To want to tell this Ridiculous competitive parent to shut the hell up

[Choccybadger]

There is a parent at my childrens' school who winds me up so much I am struggling not to explode in an undignified manner.
I have tried to keep my distance at the gates, in playground etc but she always makes a beeline for me.
She knows we have been house hunting for a while as it comes up sometimes and my kids tell their friends what they did at the w/end.
Most of our conversations go like this.
Her: have you found a house yet?
Me: no, not what we're looking for just yet.
Her: our house is on the market too. We've been offered £xx for it but not sure whether to take it as think it's worth more. Our house is so amazing you know.
Me: lovely. Hope you find something.
Her: we've decided to wait til next year as my partner will move up so so much in salary and bonus and will be able to buy a £1m house just with his bonus. It's just so much easier to find something decent over the £1m. Everything else is a bit shit

Me: great.
Her: yeah, we will just have SO much money. You know, we've just bought the £70k car, having a £15k holiday because we know how much money we will have. It's embarrassing. What's your budget? How much does your husband earn?

Now, we don't do too badly but I feel very uncomfortable talking about money like this with someone I barely know. I find it quite rude to keep talking about it and also to suggest that anything anyone buys for less than £1m is crap. That's not the case. We don't live in London and our part of the world doesn't have the highest prices.

It doesn't stop there. Literally every time shd speaks to me she tells me how gifted her children are and she's been told they are "amazing" at something or other. The way she puts it sounds as though she is putting my kids down, my youngest in particular.
I get the impression it's personal, that she's not like this with other mums.
How can I politely but firmly tell her I just don't care and actually find it rude, uncomfortable and belittling as well as hating the barbed comments about my kids in relation to hers?

or go medical "well we would move house now but ive got (insert horrible oozing description") and watch her run

I cut out all this competitive parent shit very easily.

It was the early 2000s when I hit on the idea of doing the school run wearing a Walkman (later an iPod). Have some very neon headphones, so they can see you can't talk. I wore dark glasses too.

My sons loved it. They said I was the 'cool' parent at the school gates. In fact I was onto Kid 3 by then, with 4 on the way, and had totally had enough of that bullshit, realising that once they go to secondary school you never need to see those people ever again, so why not cut to the chase and eliminate the small-talk right now?

Say ooh just like the family in that TV program Capital (the one who does not get the bonus in the end) 😁

I think she sounds either massively insecure or a complete twat

I disagree she is massively insecure and a complete twat.

When I meet someone like this, I just think to myself "This whole conversation is about your needs and your insecurities. It has nothing to do with me, I am just the wall they are bouncing it off"

So let it bounce off you. don't try and "win". Just feel glad you aren't as sad or unpleasant that you have to crow or have to make yourself feel good at others' expense.

I met a mum like this before, constantly talking about money, how posh her area was, how much she spent on a coat for her ds. She would also label other mums as "minted" based on their handbags etc. Her kids were off the scale intelligence wise, her brother was "sickeningly attractive" and basically if you had been to Tenerife she had been to a 6* hotel in Elevenerife.

I think she latched on to me because I nodded and smiled and looked like a tramp and didn't display any wealth in terms of clothing/vehicles etc so she probably thought I would aspire to be like her. It turned out she was horribly insecure, most of the stuff was either completely fabricated or very heavily embellished and the massive house in a vair posh area was a two up two down terrace.

just spat my tea through my nose at elevenerife

I'm with the others thinking those quotes can't possibly be verbatim...

I work with children, and the ones who boast, even to the extent of lying, are those who are very insecure, sad, defensive about something in life that they struggle with or emotionally neglected. Not always but often.

I find, as I get older and don't give a shit what I say people only have these types of conversations with me once. Be proud of who and what you are and don't resort to telling her to shut up.

Her: have you found a house yet?
Me: no, not what we're looking for just yet.
Her: our house is on the market too. We've been offered £xx for it but not sure whether to take it as think it's worth more. Our house is so amazing you know.
Me: lovely. Hope you find something.
Me: Really? You might think its amazing, and it probably is for you as its your home, but obviously others don't or you would have had the offer your were expecting. Maybe you should reassess your high expectations to see if they are really reasonable. Do you have funny décor, I've seen on TV programmes it can put people off?
Her: we've decided to wait til next year as my partner will move up so so much in salary and bonus and will be able to buy a £1m house just with his bonus. It's just so much easier to find something decent over the £1m. Everything else is a bit shit
Me: great.
Me: Must be great not having to contribute anything yourself and just send the cashcow out to work, I'm so jealous. Laugh. Well actually not really I like my own independence.
Her: yeah, we will just have SO much money. You know, we've just bought the £70k car, having a £15k holiday because we know how much money we will have. It's embarrassing. What's your budget? How much does your husband earn?
Me: Not enough, it never is, is it? , the car is 8 years old but its in good nick, reliable and gets us from A to B. But the flip side of that is dh is home every night and is a great handson dad with the kids, especially with ds and his footie you should see them together every night. You only get the opportunity to raise your kids once no second chances and their relationship with dh is so precious, you cant buy that. That with the fact he's there to support me, and not off on some high flying career, I don't need the expensive shit you need. There is so so much more to life than money, give me a modest but happy life any day . Its amazing how people can have such different values and both seem happy!

Say, all cheerful, "let's hope he doesn't find a younger model, eh? Tick tock!"i

Love this!

She cant sell her house. She is just trying to sell you her (overpriced) house, telling you that you can live in her amazing home, you can also be such a successful family, if you buy her home.

If her house is priced at less than a million, then by her own admission it is crap.

My ex was an IB so I've met a few, but not many, of this style.
The next time she brings it up just laugh and say if his take home cash bonus is that high ( they are usually paid in a mix of cash and 50% stock which is deferred for a number of years) you're surprised they aren't looking at 5m house as the 1m ones just don't really compare, surely she deserves a fantastic forever home with all their hard work and success?! They should get a huge estate with a pool! And maybe one day they should get a private jet!
I've always gotten more pleasure in feeding insecure people and suggesting stuff that is clearly outside their means when they brag. "Look at my new 70k car" I'd say that's lovely oooohhhh I would have gotten an Aston Martin (or other 250k car- not a car person) they are gorgeous!!" rather than letting them ruffle me as it is just sheer insecurity. She'll run back to her husband and ask to start looking at stately homes. Petty but used to amuse me and kept the atmosphere neutral.

I find that "That's lovely Dear, but have you welcomed Jesus into your life?" pretty much puts a top to any conversation.

Iknownuffink

I'm really trying NOT to play playground politics. The woman approached me with this crap every day and the class our kids are in together is small - 15 kids - so our kids our friends.
I am trying to do the opposite of play her game and tell her that I don't want to have these 'discussions' but given kids and class size, school etc would like to be nice about it. Also because I'm not a bitchy person I am struggling to see how to draw this line without being rude.

And to the person who asks if I have embellished where this person has said "because we will have so much money" that's not actually the worry of it.
She actually tells me they can afford to do all this amazingly expensive stuff because:

• her husband WILL be promoted next year (hasn't actually been yet)
• he will be in the next pay bracket which is so much bigger than now. I stay quiet.
• yeah, the pay bracket is xxx hundred grand and the bonus should be xxxx. Again silence from me.

My husband has a theory that she is desperate to know what he earns so she can 'compete'. I will never tell. It is a ridiculous competition to have.

The competing over kids thing has got to me in a different way. A few times now she has told me in front of DD1 that her daughter is gifted and will need to find a new social grouping for play times because who she plays with us directly related to intelligence. She actually honestly used the phrase 'sort the wheat from the chaff' about what her kid will 'need' to do. I'm not really sure what she means and why she thinks this is to be directed at my kid who has been assessed at well above average in all subjects - delighted.
This cow has made her feel less good about herself by talking about her WHILE SHE IS STANDING THERE as if she is below standard to play with her kid.

Thankfully, her kid seems really nice and like it's not completely ruined her sense of reality yet.

I have told her it's not appropriate to have these discussions in front of two 8 year olds but she continues.

On the other hand I know a poverty-competitive mum, who is very middle class, very nice lifestyle, great jobs, lovely home etc but is constantly huffing and puffing about the cost of things "I'm PAYING for this, you know!" (swimming lesson at £8) and complains if an extra child joins the lesson as it reduces her child's time with the instructor, therefore reducing "value for money". There are only four in the class and when I pointed out £8 per session is reasonable she said "I have TWO children you know!" Eh, yes woman i am very aware you have two children as you are constantly screeching across the pool at them. Drives a big car and complains about the cost of fuel etc. I don't think it is a stealth boast, it is more a martyrdom complex.

Go with Zippy's answer

My Dd's best friend's mum is like this. I've had it put up with this shit since they were 3 years old. They are 22 now

I was as perplexed as you OP then I finally realised she's an insecure, air head. She really has nothing between her ears and so fills it up with inane boasting about her "perceived" circumstances. I found out about 10 years ago that her H Had been declared bankrupt twice, they met as she had an affair with him and he still likes to have affairs which she pretends she doesn't know about.

So I actually feel sorry for her and just smile and nod is when I see her now.
There must be a reason this woman is talking to you like this OP because it isn't normal. She's obviously very insecure and rather thick give her your sympathy and thank god she isn't a family member!

Prep school mothers eh!

I tend to say "let's not talk about money, it is so common" in my sw London accent. I probably come across as a dick but that's kinda the idea when I want people like this to leave me a loan!

In terms of insulting your kids I would tell her she needs to work on her own social skills if she wants to model good grace to her gifted child. Does it really matter if you piss her off? Might mean she blanks you going forward!

As for her IB husband - it's tough out there at the moment. Really foolish to count any chickens.

Ugh we all know or have met someone like that . I'd tell her straight out. I find you really rude to ask such personal questions, please stop bragging as you're making yourself look stupid. Words to that effect.

Oh I couldn't possibly talk about money it's so vulgar don't you think,that's what you should say the next time she trys to find out what your DH earns,what your spending on your house ect.

With what she says about her daughter and friendships in front of your daughter speak to the school about it.What she's saying and doing is not normal OP and if other parents hear her oppinions it could sadly effect her child's friendships at the school.She has very low self esteem going by the spectacle she's making of her self(from what you've described)sadly if she keeps it up in front of others at the school it could go onto effect her poor daughter.If she's that much of a nightmare other parents could avoid offering or accepting play dates,they could also start avoiding inviting the little girl to they're childrens partys.

I've seen it happen before when I was teaching,a parent that rubbed the other parents up the wrong way and the children were left out of lots of activitys with they're school friends and it was nothing to do with the actual children it was all because of what the Mother had been like.

Sounds a bit like my brother. He used to have spreadsheets on my net worth . I had no idea of that and now I tell him nothing. Massive insecurity and an unhealthy relationship with money - learnt behaviour from mother, who always did and still tries to control us with money. She wants to make you feel bad so she can feel good as that's the only way she can get self esteem.

Cross your arms, tuck them under your boobs, hoick up your boobs and say in your best 'Mrs Brown' voice "thats naice" every time she opens her gob. It really means 'feck right off I dont care' but hey she may be to thick to know that and you can smile sweetly without being obviously rude to her.

Ask her if she can lend you a few grand, she'll avoid you like a dose of swine flu.