AIBU to expect my daughter to eat what I make for her?

[onehappymummy]

Hi, not posted here in forever but had a bit of a discussion with my husband this evening and it seems that we disagree massively on this topic. I am wondering if it's a cultural difference (he is from abroad) or perhaps a class one (I'm from a working class background, he went to private school).

So, I was brought up being told "you eat what you are given or you go without". My parents would make small allowances to foods I particularly dislike (I was allowed to pick out of the mushrooms from the bolognese) but otherwise I had to eat it if regardless (I recall weekly having to eat gammon, cabbage and something else that I disliked). I will now eat anything that is given to me, and consider it rude not to eat a meal someone has made for me, even if I dislike it.

My husband believe that if you don't like it then you don't eat it. We argued today because I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter, he said she wouldn't eat it as she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy (it was very mild). I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty) then said she didn't like it. I then questioned him on if someone made him a meal not knowing his likes and dislikes, would he eat it? He said "no". I told him I would consider that rude. He got annoyed at me and made me feel like I was being really unreasonable.

So, in summary, I would like to know if:

AIBU to expect my daughter to eat the food she is given?
AIBU to think that if someone makes you a meal it is rude to not eat it? (within acceptable grounds - not feeding meat to a vegetarian or something someone has a genuine allergie or intolerance for).

There's probably a middle way that you and your DP can find :)

It doesn't sound like your DD has the same reaction to spice / chili as my DS. I'd never force him to eat hot spices as he's extraordinarily sensitive to chilli and heat. It actually hurts him, it seems to burn his mouth and he not only screams in agony if anything like that gets in his mouth, he also gets very panicked too as the heat lingers. Utterly awful for him and he'd never be able to eat half then say it was too spicy, he'd be in agony as soon as the first sensation of chilli bloomed in mouth or lips.

So if you fed DS chilli and forced him to eat it, it would be extremely cruel, verging on abusive actually such is the level of pain. But if you feed your DD chilli and forced her to have a good stab at it before leaving the table... Not so much!

I think I'd just say, be careful not to push her too far into 'finish your plate' territory as it can over ride her ability to tell when she's full. Given the comparative abundance of food, especially the more unhealthy / 'empty' foods, and obesity etc, it's more important to teach eating skills in a way that wasn't relevant when food was a more precious resource.

So being in touch with her body feedback, and understanding what it means eg when she's full, satiated, and when she's thirsty rather than hungry etc.

I'm doing some gentle work with DS (5yrs) on the difference between 'I don't like it' and, 'I'm more in the mood for x', 'I've finished eating thank you' or 'I'm not so keen on x at the moment'.

DS tends to say 'I don't like it' as a blanket term for anything, often when he's eaten most of something! It has the side effect of convincing himself that he actually doesn't like something so not a habit I wish to continue!

My last thought was that although I grew up in a very poor household, eating what you're given didn't have the desired effect. I disliked many of the meals my mother cooked, really really disliked some of the core ingredients, textures and sensory stuff not just taste buds.

Meal times were hideous, sitting there for hours as we weren't allowed to leave the table until we'd forced the congealed revolting stuff down. I used to vomit so much (not on purpose, retching from eating something my body rejected, plus the anxiety) so my mother stopped me from being excused from the table to go to the toilet, and I'd be sitting there trying to swallow my own vomit so I didn't get yelled at for being sick.

I used to protect my sister by taking her uneaten food into my plate as she would have been sitting there til past midnight if not.

So by the time we left home I was 5ft 11 and 6.5 stone, and my darling sister was 5 ft 6 and 5 stone. Bulimic me, anorexic her. Now I binge eat and am fat.

I don't think that's what will happen in your house, but just a warning that the 'eat what you're given' doesn't end up with healthy attitudes to food, and good table manners.

Btw I have great table manners now but not due to my childhood.

I think it's good to encourage children to try new things. Very often they need to try them a few times before they become familiar and they like them.

I don't force them to eat stuff they genuinely can't stand but I do encourage them to try things with an open mind. Quite often it helps to have something they like on the plate too.

My youngest is pretty fussy but this approach is slowly starting to pay off with him. He ate something with gusto last night that he hated last year. (I silently whooped for joy )

There are five in our family and everyone has different tastes and preferences, and there's no way we have time or money to cater to them all. DH or I put a healthy meal on the table and everyone eats as much or little
I don't think there's anything wrong with what OP did, and if her DC ate half the meal that's not bad at all for a new meal (assuming the DC is quite young).

Like a PP above (schnitzel I think), we're a family of 5 with a variety of different preferences. If I limited meals to only ones that everyone loves, we would have sausage and chips every day!

As that PP said, I cook one meal, have a healthy variety of meals over the week, and sometimes that night's meal is something that one person doesn't really like much. I don't cook alternatives, but I do let people take just some elements and not others. I do insist the DC try new things but I don't make them have more than a taste.

I also let them have crackers and cheese for pudding if they didn't really like the main course.

I have the same rule about no criticising the food. It's fine to say you don't like something (but only once, not banging on about it). Not fine to say something is yucky or you hate it.

Your daughter ate half the dinner you served to her so clearly she din't find it that disgusting.

We all have foods that we dislike but no way on earth would I be cooking several separate meals. You can eat what you're given or you can have a slice of toast and a yogurt.

Fussy eaters are dull.

I would never make a child eat something they dont want to, its cruel.

And how is that relevant to this thread?

YANBU. There are a couple of things that DD genuinely does dislike, and I mean consistently dislikes, never has liked them, etc., so I don't give her those. Otherwise she will eat what she is given, even if it's not her "favourite". She will sometimes say "I don't like this" when it's something she has liked in the past. I think it's either that she forgets she likes it, or is trying to assert herself, maybe, or if it's something in a slightly different form, but she'll try it and then eat it. Obviously things like green veg can be a bit of a struggle with a small child, but she knows she sometimes has to eat things that she doesn't love, and that's okay.

Sounds like your DD didn't particularly dislike what you made her, which you knew and she ate half which was enough for her, so your DH can piss off.

Would definitely eat any meal that was prepared for me by someone else. I have done this in the past with things I've really disliked as well.

Whilst I wouldn't make my children eat anything they didn't like, if I served them only things they said they actually liked we'd be down to fish fingers, chips and beans by now. Over the years they've had the choice of eating what has been put in front of them or waiting for the next meal. Strangely they are willing to eat a wide range of things when there is no choice.

One of the things I've tried to teach my kids is that nothing bad happens if you eat a food you don't particularly like - and there is a difference between not really liking something very much and hating it.

there is a difference between not really liking something very much and hating it.

Indeed.

Agree there are often reasons someone might say they don't like something when that is not actually the case.

DSS recently announced he doesn't like strawberry yoghurts. Given that he loves all other red fruit yoghurt, strawberries, strawberry juice and strawberry ice cream, I find this difficult to believe!

There's nothing wrong with expecting children to try new things. If she didn't like the chilli, I would offer something simple but filling (like beans on toast) instead. If I was making a meal for someone (adult or child) who didn't like something, then I wouldn't make it for them, e.g. I would serve mushrooms on the side if someone didn't like them. I'm very tolerant of genuine likes and dislikes for kids, but not tolerant of fads. If I'm cooking my niece's favourite meal and she suddenly decides she doesn't like it, then tough - she can have beans on toast or cereal and a banana

Agree there is a big difference between hating a food, not being keen on it and not fancying it.

If I genuinely hate a food it makes me gag, I'd think it very cruel to force a child to eat something under those circumstances.

It's like tomatoes, ds says he hates tomatoes, but there are different types which can be prepared in different ways so I refuse to write them off.

There's a great quote you may have heard on how to approach mealtimes with kids: "The parent decides 'what' and 'when', the child decides 'if' and 'how much'". It wasn't unreasonable for you to give your DD something new to try, and to expect her to try it without immediately turning her nose up and pushing it away. It sounds like you both fulfilled your parts of the bargain - you provided the food, she ate half of it, enough to prevent her "starving" (whatever that means - why are people so afraid of a child missing a meal??) so no problem. I don't believe it is productive to force her to eat every bite (though I'm definitely guilty of trying this myself - it just seems such a shame to let good food go to waste!) - because it is also not unreasonable for kids to have their own likes and dislikes that should be respected. It is of course easier to do this the fewer dislikes there are.

One specific question on the chili: when your DH said your DD doesn't like "spicy" food, does that mean food with any spice in it at all, or food with hot spices in it? Nigella Lawson, in her How to Eat book, has a recipe for "Clove-hot" chili in the Feeding Babies and Children section that doesn't have any hot spices in it, so if her aversion is just to hot spices that may be a good halfway house. The prospect of adding cocoa to chili may also get kids interested.

It's interesting how you frame the "class" issue - I think in our case it might actually have been the reverse, though both DH and I came from "eat what you're given" families. DH came from a much wealthier family than I did and had a much broader experience of fine food than I did. He has a much wider palate than I do, which makes it fairly easy to cook for him. He also likes to cook himself, which is handy.

While we weren't poor, the food my mother cooked was fairly bland because that was what she had grown up with and her father was a very fussy and bland eater. I do remember being made to sit for hours "finishing" the canned spinach she'd put on my plate. She knew I didn't like it, so didn't make it much, but when she made it she expected me to eat it. My poor mom - she had 5 kids and we all had our own foodie fads, which must have driven her mental. Luckily for her my dad was a fantastic eater who gratefully scarfed everything he was given.

I did get much better though as I grew up. When I was in university I visited a friend in Switzerland whose father made us lunch with - oh dear - spinach on the plate. I was dreading it but I made myself eat it, because even though I had had a fussy palate, I had been taught that when someone made a meal for you you ate it with no fuss. And I found I liked it! The spinach had been fresh not canned and was gently wilted and lovely. (Spinach is now one of my favourite vegetables.) When I started interviewing at law firms I was taken to smart restaurants where I had to be seen to be sophisticated - being a fussy eater would have been a big no-no. And now I'm married to someone who likes, and expects, a wide variety of foods. So a lot of things I hated, or thought I hated, as a child - aubergines, mushrooms, any kind of spice, seafood - I now eat with a great deal of pleasure. I still have things I really, really don't like - like raw tomatoes, eggs in any way other than scrambled, all tinned baked beans - but I can't think of anything in a "normal" Western diet that I would absolutely refuse if it were offered to me. My DCs know that I don't like these foods (though they like them) but they also know that I would eat them if it would be rude not to do so.

YANBU I had a similar background and it was the same in our parents house. I have vivid memories of going to my GP house while my sister was in hospital and asking what's for tea. Oxtail. I was expecting Oxtail soup. It was actual Oxtail stew. I ate it but was absolutely distraught when DP collected me! My kids are given a choice the night before and that's what they get for tea.

I've got 5kids. They eat wat I give them, no ifs or buts. I don't serve horrible food, i can cook and I expect for the food to be gratefully received (it's homemade, fresh and tasty) Can't be bothered with fussiness.

I only cook one meal, eat it pudding is available (fruit etc) don't eat it no pudding but I guess I'm lucky neither of my kids are overly fussy, we all have different taste but I don't have the money or time to cook 2/3 different meals each night.

For example if I do a chicken and veg pie the children don't like the sauce so they have a deconstructed pie minus the sauce. Me and DH eat the pie itself.

If they really do not like a food for example my eldest doesn't like mince beef (but will eat turkey mince) they are allowed to pick the mince out so to speak.

I did/do the multiple meals thing fairly often. Some days I don't. When kids were younger they had to try. If they said they didn't like it I told them I wouldn't make it again but could they please eat some because that's all there is today/I don't have time or energy to make anything else/there is bread and butter.
We had a few vegetable battles over the years.....don't all parents?
When I was growing up in the '70s we had to eat what was on offer. There was nothing else.
My mum once made a lovely #skintweek meal, with rice, sweetcorn, peas and mathisons smoked sausage, seasoned with garlic and cayenne pepper.....lid fell of the cayenne pepper, she took out as much as she could......and apologised to us the whole meal about making us eat it........
-I'm really impressed how exotic our meals were in the '70's-

Adults should eat what they are offered within reason. I ate sausage bacon and eggs the first time I stayed at my in laws.......I was vegetarian! Maybe a bit too polite!
I only found out 2 years ago my OH doesn't like asparagus. We've been married for 23 years.....he's eaten it loads of times with no complaint.

I can't stand fussy eaters but for some reason that never goes down well on MN despite basically everyone I know IRL being of the same opinion

I find that 'clear your plate regardless' policy unreasonable and especially with foods like chili. Chili gives some people cystitis.

I dont understand the difference between this and being a control freak. We are not in a time of food rationing. No one is asking you to make 2 or 3 meals or different portions. Just provide a meal the whole family can enjoy together.

I was of the opinion that I would never make multiple meals. I now have 3 kids and sometimes I do indeed make a kids meal and an adults meal. There are things they just don't like that DH and I do (like chilli or curry) and we don't want to go without, so they get something else instead. I don't actually mind doing separate adult and children's meals. They try new stuff all the time and are only allowed to declare that they don't like something if they've tried it first. Sounds like the same happened with you and your daughter; she tried it, didn't like it, but she'd eaten. If you made it again an insisted she ate it then you'd be very unreasonable.

billsykesdog I grew up in the 70s and my Mum never bought food she knew we didn't like then fed it to us. Although there wasn't a lot of choice back then and money may have been tight it doesn't mean you buy stuff people don't like - makes no sense at all.

In my opinion yanbu in your approach of trying certain dishes to see if your daughter likes them. I never offered alternative meals to my son and the only thing he wasn't keen on as a child was broccoli, so I stopped offering it to him. However he eats heaps of it now as an adult.

I don't believe in people clearing their plates in response to another poster, I serve smaller portions but make it clear anyone can help themselves to seconds if they want.

Oooh just remembered I've got some homemade chilli left from the other night. Bit excited now

Life is too short to eat food you don't like. I agree with your DH. I regularly cook different meals for my children. I don't mind doing it.

Yanbu
We have a similar outlook to yourself. Ds gets what he is given. Neither if us have time to make two meals and we always eat as a family. Ds is expected to try everything and if he doesn't like it then fair enough. He will eat enough to not starve even if he doesn't like it and he is given lots of praise for that. There are a handful of foods he has tried many times and genuinely doesn't like so we tend not to cook with those things. Every so often he's encouraged to try them again, perhaps when we go out for a meal. Or, for example, he doesn't like courgette, so I put it in a cake and he really enjoyed it (he knew it was in there). I do things like that to show him that sometimes he may dislike a specific ingredient but how it is cooked depends on how it tastes.
I cannot get my head round parents who will cook a separate meal for their child/children. I was never force fed anything as a child but I was encouraged to try everything. As such I have grown up with varied tastes and there's not much I don't like. I would like ds to be the same and so would dp.

My own kids hated liver which I love. So I didn't cook it for them, just me.
I don't like wasted food and the DGC know they have to eat a fair amount of a meal I've cooked. I know what the grandchildren like and, more importantly, what they absolutely don't like so I just don't cook the food they dislike. I would be very upset if someone I thought cared about me cooked a meal they knew I didn't like.

thankyou, thankyou!! i am the same as you. there r 5 of us and if they dont eat it they go without. im not cooking seperate meals. i do enough, i expect u could do without the hassle too. stand ur ground. i dont think theres room for discussion. if ur daughter is hungry she will eat. x