AIBU to expect my daughter to eat what I make for her?

[onehappymummy]

Hi, not posted here in forever but had a bit of a discussion with my husband this evening and it seems that we disagree massively on this topic. I am wondering if it's a cultural difference (he is from abroad) or perhaps a class one (I'm from a working class background, he went to private school).

So, I was brought up being told "you eat what you are given or you go without". My parents would make small allowances to foods I particularly dislike (I was allowed to pick out of the mushrooms from the bolognese) but otherwise I had to eat it if regardless (I recall weekly having to eat gammon, cabbage and something else that I disliked). I will now eat anything that is given to me, and consider it rude not to eat a meal someone has made for me, even if I dislike it.

My husband believe that if you don't like it then you don't eat it. We argued today because I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter, he said she wouldn't eat it as she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy (it was very mild). I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty) then said she didn't like it. I then questioned him on if someone made him a meal not knowing his likes and dislikes, would he eat it? He said "no". I told him I would consider that rude. He got annoyed at me and made me feel like I was being really unreasonable.

So, in summary, I would like to know if:

AIBU to expect my daughter to eat the food she is given?
AIBU to think that if someone makes you a meal it is rude to not eat it? (within acceptable grounds - not feeding meat to a vegetarian or something someone has a genuine allergie or intolerance for).

[ComaToes]

I think YW a little U. Your job is to offer a healthy balanced meal. Hers is to choose what to do with it. I think bribing / encouraging a child to eat is unhelpful - as adults we want to listen to our bodies, only eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full. I think children should be supported to do the same.

My daughter doesn't like v mild chilli either. I do still make it as its a meal the rest of the family enjoys. She usually just eats the rice but if she's particularly hungry she will eat the chilli (I give a tiny portion, about 1 tbsp). we don't do puddings, so that's it until the next meal.

[AuditAngel]

I am a very fussy eater, sometimes it is the taste (fish) other times it is the texture of food.

DD1 doesn't like wet food, so stews and casseroles. She is better than she used to be. She will eat the meat if removed from the sauce, but hates the veg. I often just give her a jacket potato, but other times she will get a meal I know she is not keen on (cottage pie) because she can eat it although DGD doesn't enjoy it and the rest of us like it,

[RaarSaidTheLion]

So you want to make your daughter eat food she doesn't like...but don't want to make/eat a dish that she likes and you don't (tuna pasta).

I do agree that when money is tight, kids and adults may have to eat things they don't particularly like out of necessity. Is that the situation you are in? If you do have enough money then you are tending toward the unreasonable.

I do also get wanting to ensure that kids give new foods/dishes a good go though...so you could have some kind of "try 10 bites and if you still don't like it you get a cheese sandwich" rule. But the task of making supplementary food should be shared between you and your husband.

Also, if she really doesn't like something, it is a bit unreasonable of you to not remember that and make it again soon after.

Part of the reason I say this is I was diagnosed as having a dairy intolerance as an adult- but I always tried to steer clear of dairy as a child as I just didn't like it. Would have saved a lot of bother if I had just been allowed to follow my natural preferences rather than forced to eat something I liked because it was "nutritious".

Food aren't "healthy" independently of how they affect the individual eating them. Yes, they do objectively contain certain nutrients or not, but that can be undermined by the effect other components of them have on the individual, making the balance either worth having or not. One man's meat can be another man's poison.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

I'm with you OP.
When I was a kid, we either ate what my mum cooked, or we didn't eat. I always remember one time when I was around 6yo, mum was being "adventurous" and made sweet and sour pork with rice....I turned my nose up at it and refused to eat it. There were tears and tantrums, but I went to bed hungry that night. There were no more discrepancies over food after that! Mum didn't cook things she knew we really hated though.
I've always said I will not cook separate meals. The only time I have done so, is when me and DH are having something too spicy for DD (13mo). Other than that, she eats everything we eat (except cucumber for some strange reason ).

[peggyundercrackers]

Yabu. Why would anyone but and serve food someone doesn't like.

Why did your mum keep buying gammon when she knew you didn't like it? She could have easily bought something else. Her actions come across as spiteful.

As an adult if someone served me food I didn't like I wouldn't eat it, hell would freeze over befor I ate it. It's not rude not to eat food you don't like.

[lovelyupnorth]

Yanbu - our house one meal eat it or go hungry.

I ran cubs for many years and the amount of fussy parents we had was untrue. On camp we had the same rule (unless vegetarian or allergic ). The amount of kids we where told wouldn't eat this or that. Who then sat down and scoffed the lot. We even had on parent who insisted their child only ate tomato sauce sandwiches. Got them to supply bread and sauce. First meal was genuinely a mad rush forgot to get child to go and make their meal. But they never asked just sat and ate what was in front of them.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

I don't think ABVU to expect that what you cook is eaten. If you can take the trouble to cook it, one's family should take the trouble to eat it, within reason. I know someone who makes diff things each day to cater for diff tastes and as you is a mug's game. We have so much more choice these days and that's a good thing.
My MIL (supposedly 'learned to cook ' in the WRNS during WWII) would cook very plain food, put it on the table for the children and if they didn't eat it, she said not a word, would put it away and then present it again for breakfast next day. Austere times. The thought of that makes me cringe.
Dear hubby as a response soon learned to eat stuff like cabbage and liver (looked/tasted like shoe leather) without complaint.
As a result he was a joy to cook for as any I made was wonderful by comparison. Win, win.

[stupidgreatgrinonmyface]

Sorry, I too yabu. My 'spicy' threshold is much lower than DH. To the point that it hurts my mouth if I have something too spicy. DH cannot understand it, as to him, these foods are very mild. I also think that if there is a food you genuinely dislike, you are far more sensitive to the taste of it. My mum can spot garlic a mile away when I wouldn't even realise it was in the food.
Our dcs have foods they dislike. The way we cope with it is when I make a meal I know they love, I make enough to put a portion in the freezer, that way we can have what we want without having to cook two meals from scratch, just bung a previously made one in the microwave.

[BillSykesDog]

But the task of making supplementary food should be shared between you and your husband.

I don't think I would feel very happy about having to rustle up an extra meal because DH had deliberately made DC something he knew they wouldn't like.

[Krampus]

It doesn't necessarily follow that if you're expected to eat everything you are served that you will grow into an adult who will tuck in even if you don't like it. I have never really liked meat or fish and there are some I really hate. I grew up in the 70s where you had to finish your entire school dinner. Nearly every lunchtime I would sit there staring at my liver and swede mash not being allowed to play. At home it was similar you ate what you were given or no pudding. As an adult I never grew to like those foods and can't be bothered to eat food that I hate.

With my own children I take a more middle position and its not really any extra work. I will make sure that there is plenty of something like naan, garlic bread, salad, veggies on the side. Then one small spoon of eg chilli mixed with much more rice. My teen used to hate any saucy or spicy food as a child but now is very happy to see a big pot of medium curry on the stove.

If we have spicy chicken wraps I let my younger one have cheese and salad in his, then put a little chicken on the side and not mention it, sometimes he eats it without thinking. My teen hates wraps so I shove a part baked baguette in the oven and he has spicy chicken in that.

[morethanonebaby]

Having an 'extremely' fussy 2 year old,I have been forced to encourage her to eat foods she thinks she doesn't like. I'm talking a child who spent her first few months after weaning, eating only bolognese for breakfast, lunch and dinner! She has a tendency to refuse to eat anything that looks different or unfamiliar.

IMO, toddlers especially need some encouragement to eat new things, and this is not cruel. I even (gasp) use bribery (my sister said this was a big no no!). Saying things like, have 3 mouthfuls and then you can have some blueberries , works wonders. Using this method (she does get cross with me) has taught her that she does like wheat biscuit things, pasta, egg, Apple, cucumber.

Without this, I swear we would still be on bolognese only! I think sometimes as a parent, you do know best, and can help them to broaden their horizons on food. However, being one for an easy life, if my LO still hates something after her 3 mouthfuls, I admit I'm probably unlikely to try it again for a good while. Perhaps I am on the mean side!

[BillSykesDog]

Why did your mum keep buying gammon when she knew you didn't like it? She could have easily bought something else. Her actions come across as spiteful.

In fairness, if you go back to the 70s and parts of the 80s that's not true, especially in some areas. I know that was the case for my MIL bringing up her family. Choice was very limited as were funds and often it would be the case that the cheapest cut was all that was available so I totally understand that and the need to do it for necessity. Ditto postwar cooks dealing with rationing.

But choice is available cheaply these days. Plus adding spices is not a necessity, that mince could have just as easily and cheaply have had an onion, a tin of chopped tomatoes and some herbs bunged in. It's when it tips over from necessity to control it's not very nice. It's imposing your will by making someone else do something unpleasant and it's not nice.

[Krampus]

Morethan you don't sound on the mean side at all!

I sometime bribe mine with money. If we have lots of sides and condiments out I will challenge one to dip the bread in the hot chilli sauce or eat 2 jalapeños. We always end up laughing.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

How old is she op and how is her eating otherwise?

I'm very fortunate that ds eats most things we do and always gives new foods a try (from our plates). He gets a lot of praise for trying and if he doesn't like it, fair enough, no issue. But I know he'd struggle with spicy food and what he finds spicy will generally be milder than what I find spicy. He also hates scrambled egg, but will regularly give it a try (again, from our plates) to see if his taste has changed. The only other thing he hates with a passion is mushrooms, so we ask him to pick them out of the food. He never makes a fuss.

I suppose I'm saying that if I know he won't like something I won't make it as a family meal. If he's just having an 'off' day and would normally eat something, then he's asked to get down from the table. If he asks for pudding he doesn't get it - not as a punishment but because he knows that I believe if he's not hungry for perfectly good food, then he can't be hungry for pudding.

I sort of agree with you, and wouldn't be making separate meals for everybody. If she would normally eat it, then I can see your point. But I wouldn't be making ds something I know full well he won't eat. We all have different tastes, including children, except we have more control over our choices. I think it's quite dangerous to turn meal times into a battle tbh so would be avoiding that.

[shrunkenhead]

YANBU as a pp said you need to equip children with social skills, one of which is politeness. My dd knows that when she goes to a friend's house to eat up what the parents give her and say thank you and then tell me later if she doesn't like it.
I've had so many incidents of po faced kids at ours say ridiculous things like "but I don't like the sauce ON my pasta" " but I only like X pasta...." etc and I'd hate for my dd to embarrass herself or us like that.
Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't necessarily want to. It's a life lesson.

[morethanonebaby]

Haha Krampus, I'm impressed that you can 'pay per results' with your LO! I am sure we will move onto that eventually!

I think it felt a bit mean, cos my DH would often say, 'why are you making her eat weetabix, she clearly hates it', while DD was going beserk wanting the blueberries. But gen it was just a massive tantrum as she was cross she wasn't getting the blueberries straight away. She knew EXACTLY what I wanted her to do, and she didn't want to go along with it! ;). Now she wakes up saying 'weetabix mummy??!' Hehe, I may have been playing down the battle, out of social niceties. If only 2 year olds were as polite and reasonable as we would like!!

[Ivegotyourgoat]

This comes up on here a lot and the general consensus is that you shouldn't force children to eat what they don't like or they'll get food 'issues'.

The problem with this is that children are smart, some (not all) children will realise that they don't have to eat things, and will decide that they don't like a whole bunch of foods that they just don't fancy.

I wouldn't force a child to eat something that they genuinely hated, ds seems to hate mushrooms so I let him pick them out. I wouldn't force him to finish a whole plate or let it get cold and gave him sitting there for hours, but I certainly wouldn't cook him separate meals because he'd turned down the first one.

[msrisotto]

I don't like spicy food but make/try mildly spicy things occasionally. I've noticed my tastes changing, I never used to eat peppers but do now. It's not fair for others to miss out or be restricted by one person's narrow preferences. You didn't force her, she ate half of it, no big deal! I'm sure she likes most of the food you make, you're not a monster. And your H is BU for expecting you to do anything in that moment.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I do also agree with shrunken though - although it depends on the age of the child. A 9 or 10yo will understand that it is rude to refuse something a friend's parent has cooked, a 4yo not so. Faddy eaters annoy me - the ones where it has nothing to do with taste. Dniece is an example - won't eat sandwiches that are cut into squares and not triangles, won't eat them if the crusts are attached (I'd just say eat around them and leave them), will happily guzzle a glass of milk but won't have it on cereal etc. Ds went through a stage of saying he only liked spaghetti, not fusilli or whatever. I told him it tastes exactly the same, but to leave it and go hungry. He soon ate it.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

There are five in our family and everyone has different tastes and preferences, and there's no way we have time or money to cater to them all. DH or I put a healthy meal on the table and everyone eats as much or little as they like (which with kids varies anyway, even with foods they like - sometimes they eat loads, sometimes they pick at it because they're just not hungry). No alternative is offered, though if we're having something "challenging" I try to break it down so everyone will find something they like (so eg if they don't like curry there is rice, pappadums, various salads to pick from).
The only firm rule I have is No Post-Mortems at the table - fine if you don't like what I've cooked but I don't need an in-depth analysis of its shortcomings

[Ivegotyourgoat]

I don't agree that it's spiteful of the ops mum to buy gammon, maybe her mum liked gammon. My mum made things I didn't like sometimes, corned beef hash ugh, stewed steak, she liked it and it was cheap for her to make, we also had things I loved like sausage and chips, roasts, she used to make me eat most of my dinner and I have no hard feelings about it, she only did small portions though never piled it on.

I love chilli, ds complains about it every time but I explain to him that I like it so we have it sometimes, it's also healthy, quick and can be frozen. Ds likes shepherds pie, I hate it but I make it for him, he also gets to choose meals like pasta bake and on Fridays generally gets a treat tea like fish fingers waffles and beans, it won't kill him to eat a chilli once a fortnight.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think there's a halfway house between your and your DH's stances though isn't there.

My DD2 is a bit picky. I don't go out of my way to cook stuff that I know she doesn't like. But if I've done something that I know she's not mad keen on but will tolerate, I'll expect her to give it a good go and do her best.

In your situation last night I would've expected her to give the chilli a good go and, once that was attempted, fill up on rice / whatever was with it.

I learned quite early on that making a battle out of good is both counter productive and miserable for all concerned.

[msrisotto]

How old is she btw?

[Tabsicle]

I think that kids should be encouraged to try food that is unfamiliar to them. I'm not sure about forcing them. Certainly, I do have massive food issues (diagnosed bulimia in my teens, lots of struggles with food ever since) and I do think they started with my battling my mum over what I ate. Our rule was that you sat at the table until you finished what you ate. When I threw up my dinner I view that as a victory. She switched to "eat or go hungry" and I took hunger as a victory and kept going with that. Going to bed sick with hunger meant I'd done well. Not a good attitude to have.

Obviously that isn't normal but it makes me a bit wary of saying kids will be better eaters if you discipline them.

[gentlydownthestreamm]

YANBU.

Yes kids are often sensitive to spicy foods (DSS is) but if they start very mild then they can work their way up slowly to become less sensitive. I really don't see what the issue is.

It's not as if your DD was proclaiming to be in agony or absolutely miserable having to eat it, you were hardly force feeding her. I'd be really annoyed with your DH for making such a big deal of it.