AIBU to expect my daughter to eat what I make for her?

[onehappymummy]

Hi, not posted here in forever but had a bit of a discussion with my husband this evening and it seems that we disagree massively on this topic. I am wondering if it's a cultural difference (he is from abroad) or perhaps a class one (I'm from a working class background, he went to private school).

So, I was brought up being told "you eat what you are given or you go without". My parents would make small allowances to foods I particularly dislike (I was allowed to pick out of the mushrooms from the bolognese) but otherwise I had to eat it if regardless (I recall weekly having to eat gammon, cabbage and something else that I disliked). I will now eat anything that is given to me, and consider it rude not to eat a meal someone has made for me, even if I dislike it.

My husband believe that if you don't like it then you don't eat it. We argued today because I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter, he said she wouldn't eat it as she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy (it was very mild). I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty) then said she didn't like it. I then questioned him on if someone made him a meal not knowing his likes and dislikes, would he eat it? He said "no". I told him I would consider that rude. He got annoyed at me and made me feel like I was being really unreasonable.

So, in summary, I would like to know if:

AIBU to expect my daughter to eat the food she is given?
AIBU to think that if someone makes you a meal it is rude to not eat it? (within acceptable grounds - not feeding meat to a vegetarian or something someone has a genuine allergie or intolerance for).

Why do we all have to be trained to expand our palates? Some people don't like spicy food. It's not a moral or social failure.

I will eat most things put in front of me, including liver, which someone said was minging, and salad, which you can't understand people enjoying OP.

But there's a small list of things I won't eat. I won't make a fuss about not eating them, unless a host makes a big deal about trying some like I am 5 not 50. That does sometimes happen.

I don't make things that I know people won't like. Your daughter doesn't like spicy food or rice, yet you made her a chilli and got upset when she didn't like it, even though the child ate some of it.

YABU OP,food should never become a challenge or a battle ground where children are concerned.

I was anorexic from the age of 7 until I was 16(making myself sick,not eating)anorexia never really leaves you and I'm 41 now.

My parents used to force feed me and I would be given a meal if I didn't like it and didn't eat it I would go without.

Just because someone is a child doesn't mean they should have any less rights over what they do or don't like eating and I'm not talking about letting them only eat sweets and junk and no vegetables or fruit.But making someone eat an actual meal they can't stand is just plain cruel as far as I'm concerned!

It's not difficult neither OP,just remove your DD's mince before you add the spices and serve hers with something else,instead of the rice you could give her some salad,potatoes,veggies,wraps anything.It's really not that hard and I say that as a disabled Mum of 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic and disabled so we've had to different meals(and I mean totally different meals)for years.

in her best interest she should be used to eating everything, what happens when she goes to uni, what happens when her husband prefers certain kind of food and her kids. This training needs to be given early on in life

I was a very picky eater as a child; my parents went along with it and didn't force me to eat things I didn't want. I basically grew up on dry cornflakes, peanut butter sandwiches, meat, potatoes, carrots and sprouts.

When I went to university, I ate a lot of pesto pasta at first. Then my flatmates got a pizza and I tried some. Then I tried scrambled eggs, then boiled eggs (I'm a huge fan of eggs now, after never trying one until I was 19!). Then we got Chinese takeaway and I tried that. Then I experimented with stir-fries. And so on. All by my own choice. I will now eat almost anything except for most fruit, which is an extreme aversion to texture that I don't think will ever go away.

My DP and kids eat anything; I happily give the kids fruit as they love it. And DP can cook, so if he wants something I don't like he will make it and I'll sort myself out with something else. Easy!

This training needs to be given early on in life - no it really doesn't. I'm grateful my parents didn't force-feed me horrible fruits that would have left me a gagging, crying mess. I'm glad they respected my liking of a short list of simple, plain foods and didn't try to "train" me . I explored food myself when I was ready.

Being a child of the 50s/60s I was made to eat everything put in front of me.

To 'help' vegetables would be 'hidden' under potatoes or mixed in.

To this day, I won't eat them. I spent many a mealtime crying and heaving because mostly I didn't like the texture. And where they were mixed it ruined the foods I did like.

One of my DGC is the same and very sensitive to textures.

She should certainly try different foods but if she genuinely doesn't like something, don't force her. Some foods I will now eat (cheese, rice) but vegetables, nope. Oh, and I do like salad - but that's mostly because of the dressing.

Don't make mealtimes a misery.

I am leaning more on your side OP. In the main I cook food I know my children (semi) like and try to encourage them to continuously broaden their horizons a smidgen. DH does the school packed lunch and he does the same. If they choose not to eat, then they can take what the want from a full fruit bowl or raw vegetables (carrots, peppers etc) but no other meals are provided.

I'm not sure I agree shrunkenhead I was petrified of being viewed as impolite as a child and as a result tried to force myself to eat foods I hated often resulting in having to excuse myself to be sick in the bathroom. There are certain foods I have always disliked mostly to do with texture, eggs, mushrooms and wobbly foods. I just can't eat them, my throat closes, my mouth starts watering, it's awful. It was far more embarrassing than me just saying sorry I don't like eggs.

For my own children I say never moan or complain about what they don't like but to eat what they can and leave the rest or if the whole meal is inedible to them to say politely "sorry I don't like x".
When children come here for dinner I always check what they like to eat before cooking and always serve everything in dishes in the middle of the table so that them preferring the pasta and sauce separate would never be an issue.
There is six of us and it's hard to please everyone all the time. I almost always let them serve themselves, I think it helps with good manners anyway. There is usually a salad and a bread option. I encourage them to try things but never pester or get cross if they don't. If someone leaves food it's fine, they still get whatever pudding is offered though we don't have pudding everyday.
My only 'rules' are everyone has to sit at the table even if they are not eating, no announcing what food you dislike or aren't eating, and we wait for others to finish eating before leaving the table.
DC3 and 4 were both very fussy from around 10 months. Now they are 4 and 5 they eat most foods I serve up, will try new things and never kick up a fuss about what is cooked.
PIL hate the fact I let them leave food and try and bribe them if we eat there but end up giving in anyway. DH said it was eat or go to bed when he was a child and on stew night they all went to bed straight from school. However seeing as SIL and BIL as adults only eat meat and potatoes I don't think it worked very well.

Thank you for all your responses, they have been very insightful, however varied.

To clear up a few things...

This was a private conversation between my husband and I. Our daughter had no part in it, she was in another room. My daughter gave her meal a good go and I was happy with the amount she ate before she said "actually mummy, I don't like it, it's a bit spicy" (her actual words, she is 5). She then had an ice cream for pudding. My issue with my husband was that he thought it was unreasonable to produce her a meal with rice as she has declared in the past that she doesn't like rice. However - she will eat without complaint: risotto, honey and mustard chicken with rice, spanish chicken with rice and fried rice. To be fair, the only one out of that list she would ask for is Honey and mustard chicken, (we call it honey chicken as she has tried mustard and said she hates that too, she said it was too spicy) It is one of her favourites.

My problem is that if I would have listened to my husband, I would not have tried all the other rice dishes on that list because she claims she doesn't like rice, when in fact she just didn't like it with the first two rice dishes I produced. I also figured that if she liked honey and mustard chicken (a recent discovery) then her aversion to spice wasn't as strong as I originally thought. Although as a PP said, Chilli is one that the spice gets more intense the more you eat, I hadn't thought of that.

As for making two meals, I'm not sure how many of you picked up on the fact the meal was made only for me and my daughter - this is because my husband is an ex-Vegetarian (one of those fish eating ones) and now only eats chicken (and fish). I suffered with low iron as a child so now, whenever I can, I try to make sure my daughter eats some red meat. My husband was on leftover chicken and pepper pasta bake from the day before. To the person who said I am unreasonable to expect her to eat this then not eat the tuna pasta bake I hate - we have tuna pasta bake once a week. I hate it, but she loves it, as does my husband, and it is a really cheap meal. I am particularly short of cash atm as I am nearing the end of my ML. Today I will eat the leftover chilli and make tuna and sweetcorn for them two. I do my best to keep everybody happy but I do not have the time or money to make two meals a day - if there are leftovers, then great, otherwise - we all eat the same.

My questions were regarding my attitude Vs my husband's on the topic of food. The other details were to give the conversation context. My daughter will try anything (she sings the Daniel Tiger song: "You gotta try new food 'cause it might taste good!"). I worry that some of you have an image of me pinning my child down and force feeding her with her crying her eyes out begging me to stop! Far from it!

I would never make a child eat something they dont want to, its cruel.

I was forced to eat what I was given and it didn't do me any harm.
I was forced to sleep on a wooden plank and it didn't do me any harm.
I was given six of the best when I was cheeky and it didn't do me any harm.

We dont live in the dark ages, it is possible to serve different food with out it costing a penny more. Ever heard of a freezer?

I've just realised how confusing this must be.

Chain of events are as follows:

I made the meal and my husband walked into the kitchen as I was putting it out. I walked into the dining room and put my DD food on the table then returned to the kitchen to sort out a few bit and the baby. While in the kitchen my husband started the conversation about my DD would not eat what i'd made and I should be prepared to make her something else (paraphrasing), I disagreed. I then returned to the dining room and 5 minutes after my daughter said she didn't like it.

Just read your last post OP and I think it's find. You knew she liked some spicy stuff by the honey chicken and not giving rice becauses she's said once that she dislikes it would be daft. The problem is dh not dd.

As for needing to train children, I dint agree. I hated all veg with a passion as a child and was fussy in some ways and am glad my parents didn't force me to eat them. I eat most veg now. If my mother was cooking a meal and I didn't like corned beef in corned beef, pasta, passata etc I'd get pasta cheese and ham. she never made 2 completely different meals, the adjustment for me was simple and she never made it into an issue. If I wouldn't eat something she knew in liked, fine. I'd just get extra toast at supper time or a bigger bowl of porridge, and I'd get some cut up fruit for afterwards (she wouldn't Gove proper dessert in that scenario). I grew up with a healthy attitude to food. and if someone made me food I hated, I wouldn't suffer. Id just eat the part of the meal I did Like - the potato, rice etc. Bugger the host getting funny, any good friend wouldn't want me to be uncomfortable anyway.

I'd say if she genuinely didn't like it - had eaten a few bites and apologetically said she disliked it - you should have been prepared to make cheese on toast or something else low effort but if she really didn't like it fair enough. As she liked it, point is mute. If she'd refused honey chicken I'd have given her fruit and yogurt for afters, then toast or cereal and warm milk at supper time. She wouldn't be hungry but nor would she had achieved any goals of getting chicken nuggets instead!

If the DC don't eat something, that's up to them, but I don't make them an alternative. I have an adult DS with CF, who I've been through it all with, and a DD with sensory issues around food.

I grew up in a time when there was far less variety in foods available, money was tight and I was unfortunate enough to dislike the main staple food. There was no way my parents could stop serving boiled spuds or I could avoid being served them at school. That was what people ate, together with small helpings of meat, fish and vegetables to give it flavour.

The reason I managed to survive without major scarring (and am actually happy to eat boiled spuds now) was because the whole thing took place in an atmosphere of calm and reasonableness. My parents understood how I felt, I understood their pov, we came to a deal. It was the absence of emotion that helped us through.

I have a son who really only likes junk food (which, he has learnt from friends, is what Real People eat). If it isn't ready-bought, covered in batter and smothered in ketchup he doesn't want to know.

My take is, I cook what I cook, avoiding the two or three things I know he really dislikes, and providing the very occasional Real Meal. No alternatives are provided. He eats what he eats, and I avoid looking at his plate. Rude comments are not allowed. If he ends up hungry, he will eat more at the next meal: he really won't come to any harm and we neither of us get angry about it.

I am not cruel but I am also not running a restaurant.

Some posters on this thread do seem to be projecting a bit: who says you are forcing a child to eat just because you don't rush out and cook an alternative?

Yep Cory that about sums up my experience and views too except I still despise boiled potatoes. My DS and DH love them above all else so yes I eat them sometimes too.

People these days are very afraid of not feeling full all the time: I suppose because snacks are available all the time, it has become such an unusual feeling. As long as a child is not undernourished and not being treated unkindly I don't think eating slightly less at one meal is going to do them any harm at all. In the present case, the dd did eat half the meal without prompting before she said she didn't like it, so why did she need a new meal cooked for her: she'd already eaten?

I think forcing a child to eat something they actively dislike is horrible and can lead to a lot of issues with food later on in life. I cringe when I see parents doing this.

I was a terribly fussy eater as a child. There were a lot of foods I couldn't eat due to an automatic gag reflex I have with certain textures - I still have it today. I can't eat anything that feels 'fleshy' so meat has to be really overcooked and eggs make me retch to the point of vomiting.

My mum always asked me to try new things. She would dish me up little plates of stuff and I would try a spoonful or two, but if I didn't like it I never had to eat it and she would make me something I did like or have something already on standby. As a result I've grown up willing to always try new things, which has ultimately enhanced my enjoyment of foods and I have a healthy diet. My DD is exactly the same. She's a very good eater, but I would never force her to eat something she didn't like.

You say the chilli was mild. It tastes mild to you. You're older and your palette is more 'advanced', for want of a better word. What tastes mild to you may taste burning hot to your much younger child, OP. Your tolerance for spicy foods will be a lot higher.

YABVU to expect your DD to eat anything she doesn't like. Always ask her to try things, but don't force it if she doesn't.

YABVU to expect anyone to choke down a meal they don't like. It isn't rude. We all like different things. I went to a friends house for dinner once and she'd made chicken in a sauce. The chicken texture made me retch because it wasn't cooked enough for me so I ate everything but the chicken. I was hardly going to make myself ill over a bit of meat.

Why do we all have to be trained to expand our palates?

I think it's generally a good thing to widen your palate and learn to tolerate and then like different foods.

There are many foods I hated as a child and now really like. Some my parents convinced me to eat, some were eaten under social pressure at friends houses, some I decided to give a go myself.

I am very happy that I now like lots of foods that I didn't before, it makes life more interesting, it makes travel and eating out more enjoyable, and generally makes life easier.

I realise some people are super sensitive to tastes/textures and will never learn to like or tolerate certain foods. But surely that is the exception, not the rule. OPs DD doesn't seem to be super sensitive, she ate half the plate.

It is a difficult one. I have food phobias about meat, eggs and dairy. I would starve myself rather than eat them. I have been like this since a small child. It is the smell texture and taste. If a child has such a severe reaction, then to force them to eat them is cruel.

That said I cook with meat and dairy regularly and brought my DS up to be a very healthy eating omnivore.

I feel it's a form of torture to be forced to eat foods you don't like and make you feel sick and can cause eating disorders in later life.

With my DD there is no fuss made at all in terms of I cook something, that's what she has and she can either eat it or not. She always eats most of it, even if it takes an hour and everyone else has got down from the table.

I remember my experience from childhood as there were some foods I really didn't like (fish, baked beans, liver!!!) and some I just didn't like the idea of such as peas (after one bad experience). However, some of these would still be put on my plate and I would find a way to eat them. Again, my parents never made any fuss, just told me they'd cooked it because it was what I needed (I actually have quite strict dietary needs linked to a chronic medical condition) but it was my choice. I ate it, even the liver. (Though I do joke that that was what made me become a vegetarian at 13yo).

YANBU to the extent that children do of course need to learn that sometimes that's all there is. I have had great success with DD by doing as I've said above though. I always remember being told by a friend that the best way to not create a fussy eater is to never make a fuss. Your partner should support you in what you serve, never preempt a dislike as that's giving her permission to not like it (whether she does or not) and should not be expecting you to cook something else.

Could you involve her at weekends with the cooking too? My Dnephew has no interest in food at all unless he's cooked it.

IS THERE ANY EVIDENCE THAT THE POSTER FORCED HER CHILD TO EAT???

Her beef was with her husband for

a) deciding in advance that the child would not like it

b) insisting that she should cook a different meal when the child had already eaten half of it

"I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty)"

So what's with YABVU to force her to eat? No forcing went on.

I think people are missing the bit where OP says she didn't pin her child down and force her to eat anything!
Occasionally I'll ask my dd to help me write a menu for the weekly teas (reasonable stuff like lasagne, cottage pie, etc etc not burgers and chips every night!) as she then knows what we're having and there's no "awwww I didn't want X" etc etc and it gives her some choice (as I say, within reason, she's mature enough not to write "ice cream or Mcdonalds"!)

If you like chilli do it with bbq sauce mixed in, your Dd may eat that my 3yr old loves it, seems to take any spice right out. YANBU being fussy is fine when your a child BUT my dp barely eats anything because his mum never pushed him as a child and it's so irritating!

When we were kids we ate what we were given. My mum would not cook separate meals. Obviously we wouldn't be forced to eat something if we really hated something but we would be given a bit extra of the veg for example to make up for it.

I don't eat food I dislike so I don't expect my child to either. I don't understand how it's rude. Surely it's more rude to expect somebody to eat something they're not enjoying