AIBU to expect my daughter to eat what I make for her?

[onehappymummy]

Hi, not posted here in forever but had a bit of a discussion with my husband this evening and it seems that we disagree massively on this topic. I am wondering if it's a cultural difference (he is from abroad) or perhaps a class one (I'm from a working class background, he went to private school).

So, I was brought up being told "you eat what you are given or you go without". My parents would make small allowances to foods I particularly dislike (I was allowed to pick out of the mushrooms from the bolognese) but otherwise I had to eat it if regardless (I recall weekly having to eat gammon, cabbage and something else that I disliked). I will now eat anything that is given to me, and consider it rude not to eat a meal someone has made for me, even if I dislike it.

My husband believe that if you don't like it then you don't eat it. We argued today because I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter, he said she wouldn't eat it as she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy (it was very mild). I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty) then said she didn't like it. I then questioned him on if someone made him a meal not knowing his likes and dislikes, would he eat it? He said "no". I told him I would consider that rude. He got annoyed at me and made me feel like I was being really unreasonable.

So, in summary, I would like to know if:

AIBU to expect my daughter to eat the food she is given?
AIBU to think that if someone makes you a meal it is rude to not eat it? (within acceptable grounds - not feeding meat to a vegetarian or something someone has a genuine allergie or intolerance for).

[Rainbowsdohappen]

Just had to add my DP also doesn't like bananas so avoid them being anywhere near him however when his annoyed me i leave them out in his presence

[nosyupnorth]

I get the sense a distinction needs to be made between foods eating foods that you'd prefer not to and eating foods that you can't stand.

As a kid I hated to eat eggs and bananas - even the smell made me feel ill and I would have gone without food for a long time before eating them. My parents were aware of this and never served me these particular foods.

I also disliked a whole host of others foods including a lot of veg and basically all fish and given the choice would have avoided them - but if I was hungry enough I would accept them as better than nothing so when I was served them I ate them in the knowledge that I couldn't just refuse and be offered snack food later.

YWBU to force your child to eat food she genuinely hates but given you claim she ate half the serving which you say is a reasonable amount of food she clearly doesn't hate it that much so I would say YANBU.

[Rainbowsdohappen]

YNBU ...everything in moderation. I think it's ok to expect a child to try new food/dishes. You say DC is not keen on rice but that just maybe a certain dish if cooked/given in a different dish it may change her mind & broaden her tastebuds. I remember being adamant I didn't like something but when was given it again I did get a taste for it (although I had to carry on saying I didn't like it as a stroppy kid would do...digressing sorry)

[BillSykesDog]

Oooh, I quite fancy a spider now. This is a new pregnancy craving. I'm imagining little wiggly legged balls of Nutella.

[limitedperiodonly]

Every shed I've ever been in had spiders Bill. Apparently they taste like hazelnuts.

[BillSykesDog]

Not sure being locked in a shed to force you to eat something is a normal part of growing up.

[limitedperiodonly]

My mum used to declare that I was a good eater. I came to realise that meant that I was a better eater than she was and more like the human dustbin that was my dad.

Not that she was particularly fussy for her generation. She just liked to cook and eat plain, unadorned, unspiced food. I grew up eating meat and two veg - always peas and carrots - plus potatoes. Sometimes that meat was offal, which many people describe as minging. It's not, of course. It's just not to their taste. And that's the thing: I think you are allowed to dislike things, even if you haven't tried them because the idea revolts you.

We weren't forced to eat food and I don't even remember being badgered to try things. Everyone except my sister liked rabbit - unusual meat in the 70s - but my mum just used to put a chicken drumstick in the stew for her instead without holding an inquest.

My SIL used to call our house Mary's Cafe because she would ask you what you wanted. We thought it was normal but my SIL thought it was marvellous.

I wasn't taught to widen my palate, I just did. These days the list of commonly found foods - I'm not talking about insects - I won't eat is tiny.

Beetroot, oysters, tahini and all its evil works, olives, herring. I'll probably think of something else, but that's about it. So it is possible to be reared on a fairly limited diet and branch out if you want to. But if you don't, I don't see what's wrong with that either.

[cinnamonorange]

My parents used to put me and my plate of food in the shed if I didn't want to eat it, and not let me out until I'd finished it.
Now I eat anything, no problem.
I think learning to eat all kinds of foods is part of growing up.

[TheWhoCaresMum]

You are not being unreasonable. Kids should eat what they are given. Or at least try it. Husband was just brought up differently. Just need to meet in the middle. My boys are fussy eaters. I wish I could get them to eat what we eat and I am thinking of starting this. If you don't eat it then there is nothing else. They cannot survive on fish fingers forever!!!! haha. WE give our children of today too much choice and freedom. But that is for another post :D I am old. I think kids get away with too much these days. hahaha.

[Basicbrown]

I haven't read all the thread so I don't know if this or something similar has been said before. Everyone has three grades of liking food I think:
Grade 1: Enjoy eating it
Grade 2: Dont love it but will eat if hungry
Grade 3: Can't bear it.

So it is perfectly reasonable to feed dc grades 1 and 2 and expect them to eat it if they are hungry. In the op yanbu because she ate half without making a fuss. My dds definitely have chilli (without chilli in, I add it for dh and me at the end) as grade 2. With chilli it would be grade 3 (and unreasonable to force them to eat). My own grade 3s are offal, raw tomatoes, raw onions, cooked blue cheese and fried eggs. Only feeding them stuff they like (ie grade 1) would lead with mine to restricted diets. Of course autism etc can lead to a very large list of grade 3s.

[SalemSaberhagen]

Mummy that's how I am too in a restaurant. It's horrible isn't it.

[SchnitzelVonKrumm]

There's a big difference between being forced to eat something and not being cooked a special alternative meal, which is what OP was about.

[Oysterbabe]

Yanbu.
As a kid I was never forced to eat anything but if I refused my dinner I wouldn't get anything else. There would always be something on the plate I'd eat and eventually I did eat and enjoy everything, because I kept trying little bits of it. I think one of the reasons I'm not a fussy eater is because I wasn't pandered to. I've seen kids scream and scream because there is something on their plate they don't like. In my house they're served everything but it's made clear they don't have to eat it. Eventually, maybe the 10th time, they do.

[RaarSaidTheLion]

Oh Janecc, that sounds horrific. I'm sorry your brother had to endure that and that you had to witness it.

[MummyIsMyFavouriteName]

I came from a home of eat what you're given. My parents never made me eat what I really really didn't like (mushrooms, fish, peaches...) but if I just wasn't the biggest fan, tough.

Now I'm an adult, I have massive anxieties with new food. If I go into a restaurant, I will order the same thing every time because the thought of trying something new sends me into a bit of a panic. I'm now an incredibly fussy eater which seems to wind up everyone I know. I'm very polite when I go to someone else's house and they have cooked for me. I will eat whatever it is but I hate it. When we eat out anywhere, my family, my DP (not often, he more complains about vegetarianism stopping us from going to Nando's), my DP's parents all complain about my fussy eating because we always end up going to the same genre of restaurant and they continually go on about the fact that I order the same thing every time. My argument is that it is more of an inconvenience for me than for them as they look at the menu and see a broad choice of food, I see one thing (when it's not there, I panic) that I can eat. I'm jealous of people who can try new food without knowing if they like it. I just can't cope with it.

My point is that just because you make your children eat food they don't like now, don't think you are 'training' them for being adults. It had the opposite effect on me. It gave me anxiety issues with food (not that it stops me eating too much unfortunately, I just eat the same thing excessively).

[Alconleigh]

That sounds horrendous Janecc. Your poor brother. And you.
I was a bit fussy as a child, wouldn't eat peas, bananas or baked beans. My fear of contamination by the dreaded bean juice was very strong. I enjoy all of those now, so I know children can grow out of it.

I'd have eaten them all if served at someone else's house though, as that's the sort of upbringing I had. Politeness to your host more important than your own inclinations. I guess that still informs my behaviour now and how I view that of others. For example I have IBS and struggle with too much wheat or dairy. But if someone makes me a lasagna, I'll eat some. Probably a small portion and load up with the salad. I'm not really sure what my point is, but I do generally think being flexible, adaptable and easy company are important assets to a person which smooth your path through life, and that's probably not compatible with excessive mithering about what you will and won't eat.

[Janecc]

I do not force my DD to eat what she doesn't like. Why would I have an argument with her about that? She is a wilful child and it would damage our relationship or the force I'd need to make her maybe damage her in the abusive sense: My brother was a wilful child. When at around 8 he decided to go veggie. Parents didn't agree so once a week they force fed him. Sunday dinner was blended then father held him and mother shoved food down his throat. It lasted over an hour and 6 yr old me had to sit and watch.

I appreciate it may be difficult with several children. I would perhaps tackle it as X' favourite one day y's favourite another and if one doesn't child like potato for example, give them more meat and veg or a bit of bread. I batch cook so I also keep portions of food over when DD doesn't like something so that she can eat that instead and dh and I can eat what we like.

As my DD has got older, the food she will try and eat and enjoy has increased. She now likes pulled pork and asparagus for example. She eats a balanced diet. She eats different meats, a range of different coloured vegetable and the fact that it is all a bit repetitive is fine. She won't eat fish. Some of us even as adults enjoy a few favourites rather than a gourmet variety of food. She was far worse as baby and toddler and is likely not to be a gourmet adult. As a baby went through a Greek yoghurt phase, a toast phase. As in that's all she would eat. As she got older, she went through a cottage pie phase and a then 3 year boiled eggs phase, which she wanted every day and had maybe 3/4 times a week. Her current comfort food is breaded turkey dinosaurs with a mound of peas - which she would eat every day if I let her (which I don't).

I got by batch cooking meals and freezing as I didn't want battles. I know I'm coming it from a very different angle as I've seen force feeding being done in an abusive way.

[nooka]

I find fussy eaters very frustrating, but that didn't stop me having one of my own! The most important lesson I learned was not to make meals a battle ground.

We still eat at least one meal together every day which my teenagers tell me is very unusual. It's a time I look forward to, we take turns in cooking and talk about our days (and all sorts of other things).

Very different to the horrible stressful days when dd would just scream if there was something on her plate she didn't like!

[Myusernameismyusername]

I was often forced to eat me also didn't like, and not just once and me just half of it either so I am quite sensitive about this.
I DO make them try new things but I am super relaxed about it and don't Spring things on them that I think 'this ain't gonna work' and then give them crap about it
I wouldn't make more food if they left it but I also would just say ok, I won't give it to you again.
Mine are not particularly fussy eaters but I think that's as I am relaxed about it

[notamummy10]

AlCon if I'm going to somebody's house, I usually let them know in an advance that I'm fussy when it comes to food! Sometimes they get arsey so I don't bother going.


I very rarely eat at restaurants as well (the only time I will eat at a restaurant is if I've already looked over the menu and seen something I like).

[StrictlyMumDancing]

YANBU at all

I came from a middle class background where my mum would sometimes cook 3 different meals for four of us (for some reason it was never 4 meals, there was always something at least two of us ate the same!) so it wasn't there I got that attitude from, but I abhor food waste. Probably because I was a bad eater and was constantly reminded there were starving kids in Africa.

However my DS is quite fussy (DD eats almost anything) so we just don't do that kids eat what we eat thing. They have their meal and we have ours. They are more than welcome to try ours and if it goes down well then they can have it themselves as a meal. I still wont tolerate either of them turning their nose up at something they have either asked for or liked previously - they get nothing else then. I'm sure it was here I saw the phrase 'I am not a short order chef'

[369thegoosedrankwine]

Sorry but I think YABU.

I give mine food they like, in the same way I make meals I like to eat. Ds
(9) has just started to eat chilli and burritos etc...before now, they were too spicy for him and I accepted that. I don't allow them to eat rubbish instead of meals but I tend to know what they will like, and gradually their tastes will change.
I have a dss who is 23 who lived on lasagne for about 10years but now eats. anything.

Honestly don't stress about it, the important thing is she gets nutrients from food not that she isn't fussy.

Oh and if it's relevant I was poor as a church mouse , but don't remember getting what I was given.

[Alconleigh]

I'm somewhat surprised at adults saying they will never eat something they don't like. So if someone prepares a meal for you as a guest, and it's something you're not wild about (as oppose to allergic to etc), you'd actually refuse to eat it? That's incredibly ungracious if so. I am also an 80s child. I remember some meals I didn't love, but that was that nights dinner, so I cracked on. The next night would probably be something I preferred, but perhaps my sister wasn't so keen on. But she would also crack on. That is family life, is it not? The understanding that everything doesn't revolve around one person but includes everyone's preferences?

[SalemSaberhagen]

My father forced me to eat food I didn't want, or when I was full (and I really was full), he would bellow at me to have 3 more mouthfuls, finish off the peas, etc.


As a consequence I have terrible issues with food. Putting food I don't like the taste or texture of in my mouth will make me throw up almost immediately, and I cannot try new food unless I am alone. So no 'oo try this ' from my partner or friends. I start to gag before it has even reached my mouth, and get panicked and breathless.

I will never, ever force DD to eat food.