AIBU to expect my daughter to eat what I make for her?

[onehappymummy]

Hi, not posted here in forever but had a bit of a discussion with my husband this evening and it seems that we disagree massively on this topic. I am wondering if it's a cultural difference (he is from abroad) or perhaps a class one (I'm from a working class background, he went to private school).

So, I was brought up being told "you eat what you are given or you go without". My parents would make small allowances to foods I particularly dislike (I was allowed to pick out of the mushrooms from the bolognese) but otherwise I had to eat it if regardless (I recall weekly having to eat gammon, cabbage and something else that I disliked). I will now eat anything that is given to me, and consider it rude not to eat a meal someone has made for me, even if I dislike it.

My husband believe that if you don't like it then you don't eat it. We argued today because I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter, he said she wouldn't eat it as she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy (it was very mild). I told him I wasn't making something else and he then lectured me on letting our daughter stave. She ate half of it (enough given I gave her plenty) then said she didn't like it. I then questioned him on if someone made him a meal not knowing his likes and dislikes, would he eat it? He said "no". I told him I would consider that rude. He got annoyed at me and made me feel like I was being really unreasonable.

So, in summary, I would like to know if:

AIBU to expect my daughter to eat the food she is given?
AIBU to think that if someone makes you a meal it is rude to not eat it? (within acceptable grounds - not feeding meat to a vegetarian or something someone has a genuine allergie or intolerance for).

[Floralnomad]

YABU , I wouldn't want to eat something I didn't like so I don't expect my DC to do so . My parents shared this opinion ,mainly because my dad had a mum who was of the 'you eat what I've made or go without ' variety . I have one DC who eats nothing spicy ,likes veg / fruit ,and generally fairly plain food ,and the other DC is coeliac , only eats chicken ,no veg and limited fruit . DH and I eat more or less everything except Chinese / Japanese/ Thai food so of an evening I generally cook 2 or 3 meals - one for the coeliac and then either a roast for the rest of us or something for the other DC and something different for DH and I . Also yes people do like salad .

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

I hate people who say they trained them self to eat anything and anyone can eat anything if they out their minds to it.
If you have aversions to some foods then they are real. I can't ignore my aversions, I'll gag rather than force it down. I've always been like this and haven't grown out of it.
Children should be expected to try a meal before saying they don't like it but if they don't like it, forcing them to eat it is horrible.

[Bolshybookworm]

There are two separate issues here. One is force feeding your child, which the OP did not say that she did. I don't agree with force feeding, as pp have said it can create negative associations with food.

The other issue is not offering alternatives/making separate meals. Totally agree with this. I work and have two preschoolers- no way am I making two meals every night!

[HoldTheDoorHodor]

YANBU to expect your daughter to try w meal that you have cooked.

YWBU to go out of your way to make a family meal you know a member of the family dislikes to eat (assuming there's no crazy fussiness going on).

Re rudeness. If someone made me a meal, unknowingly including something I hated to eat (eg pineapple) I'd have to politely decline to eat it and have some sides / eat what I could. If a friend or family member consciously made something KNOWING it included something I didn't eat (it's a very short list) I'd act the same way, but I don't hunk any of them would do that.

I also don't think it's cultural differences. I think your family attitude to food has been very restrictive. If my kids don't like dinner, we get them to try 3 or 4 mouthfuls then if they still refuse they can have a sandwich as an alternative. I

[greenfolder]

I always ate what I was given as a child. But food was pretty plain.

My kids eat pretty much what they are given. Oldest ones often had a separate meal in the evenings due to timings. But if there is something they hate I wouldn't make it.

[BlueUggs]

My exH had a traumatic childhood and was often not fed.
When I met him, he would make his daughter separate meals and if she didn't like what he made her, he would make her something else even though the first meal he'd cooked is what she had asked for.
If she refused to eat, he would worry that he was starving her.
When we got together, I pointed out that her choosing not to eat was not starving her, it was HER choosing not to eat the perfectly edible food she was offered.
This changed over time because I got sick of cooking two meals and she learned that she ate what was on offer which was always something she liked or she went hungry. She did sit at the table for a few hours felt like days because she refused to try new foods.
If she tried something and didn't like it, she didn't have to eat it again.

[Janecc]

How old is she?

[whattheseithakasmean]

Do not turn meals into a battleground. This is far far more important than what she does or doesn't eat. Whatever you do, try and prevent food becoming an issue and a flashpoint for disagreements.

I was a picky eater. I am also tiny and slim - looking back I think my 'pickiness' was my body's way of self regulating so I didn't get fat as I never grew very tall. Obesity is an epidemic and far too many people don't seem able to stop eating when they are full. Never force your daughter to eat. Just don't. It is childhood obesity that is the killer, not skinny starving children, so when it comes to food, just let it go.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

I don't make her eat food I know she dislikes

she doesn't like rice or anything even mildly spicy

I made mild chilli with rice for me and my daughter

I don't understand how those three statements go together, OP.

[whattheseithakasmean]

She did sit at the table for a few hours felt like days because she refused to try new foods.

I would never do that to a child and I am so happy my mum would never have done that to me. Way to give a child food issues - slow hand clap.

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

On the fence here.

Your dh was unreasonable to expect you to make her something else. It sounded as if, if she at half her portion, she got a decent meal anyway.

OTOH it's important IMO to be sensitive around people's and esp children's food preferences and aversions. Our ds2 is pretty fussy. If I limited what I cooked because of him we would have a very monotonous diet indeed, so the rule is he tries everything and ideally eats a modest portion. If he really, really can't eat it he can fill up on bread/fruit. We respect his real dislikes - one is mushrooms, so we either leave them out or add them in pick-out-able form. And we make sure he gets meals he likes on a regular basis.

[Mistigri]

You're both being unreasonable as it happens ;)

Children do need to be exposed to foods and to try new things. Their tastes can change over time (a lot of time: my 13 year old is still very fussy, but he ate curry for the first time this week).

On the other hand, no one should ever be forced to eat food they don't want. With young children, it's wise to make sure there's something at each meal that they will eat. With older ones, it doesn't matter so much (no one was ever harmed by skipping a meal) though if you want family meals to be harmonious then it makes sense to take everyone's likes into account.

[Yolly24]

I agree with everything TheToys,araiba, nooka and curren have said. Babies/children have a different experience of food to us. I remember distinctly the smell and texture of foods when I was little, it wasn't about the taste. Anything 'gobby' like runny eggs/porridge/chocolate mouse/yoghurt made me literally gag. Even just the smell of porridge cooking set me off. I had no control over that, but was forced to eat it anyway. I was probably lucky the only curries back then were Vesta, and no-one had heard of Chillies! As an adult the last three are among my very favourite foods, but I still cannot stand even looking at a runny egg.

Making mealtimes into any sort of battle and you increase chances of an eating disorder.

It is so easy to cater as pps said above. Also for instance my kids would be offered their veg cooked or raw/grated with dips which they learned to make themselves, and were always handy in the fridge. We would draw up shopping lists together so everyone was happy, they would come shopping with me and we would see if there were any other foods we fancied trying.

Making pasta and rice and having different choice of sauces is so easy,as per PPs above, plus a grated cheese option. This was all done on a shoestring as I am a single mother, so money is no reason to make people/children eat food they don't like. It's more than likely kids will grow up to like most of these foods anyway so why make a big deal of it now.

When they went to other people's houses my kids were notable for always being polite and eating what they were given unlike the kids they were visiting! Also the other parents were always gobsmacked that their kids had eaten at my house veg and other things they wouldn't eat at home.



I really don't get why anyone would want meals to be anything but an enjoyable experience for everyone

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

Oh, and he is interested in food, flavours and cooking, so I often invite him to watch or join in when I am making something new or something he's not keen on.

[Adnerb95]

YANBU on the whole - starting with the whole "different meals for different members of the family" thing is a mug's game and should be avoided at all costs. I also think that kids/adults/ whoever should learn to appreciate meals prepared for them and manage to eat a good portion even if it is not something they particularly like.
However, I am a aware that having been brought up in a family of 6, my DM's policy of "eat what you are given or go without" had mixed results. 5 of us are foodies, love food, cooking, etc and will try anything. My eldest brother, however, struggled with food from an early age and is still a fussy eater now he is well into middle age. I sometimes wonder if he would have benefitted from a slightly more flexible policy!
I think there is something to be said for trying different versions of 'unliked' food, too - offering a much milder version of chilli/cooking rice a different way. Otherwise, as time goes on, you risk a situation where more and more foods are off the menu.

[maxeffort0satisfaction]

I don't think its a class thing. But I really like your husband. can I marry him instead? (don't chop my head off I'm joking. well kind of).

I think its just what you want to instill in your child. its your own values as a family. I ask them to try but not force to eat. But its your own family and up to you.. you both need to compromise on a solution. people have different parenting styles and values and sometimes , well often, you realise after having the kids how much you differ on parenting values and styles as a couple because its one thing discussing the general or imagining how you will parent and another when the child is there and you are dealing with day to days stuff.
is your husband tall, too? lol

[Keely93]

Yes fair enough always get your child o try new things. But I wouldn't expect my daughter to actually eat it if she didn't like it, because I wouldn't eat it myself.