To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

There's Skype and/or FaceTime where she'll see your face and hear your voice most days.

A 10 month old baby can not understand a lost real person being replaced with a digital version.

Kiwi, don't feel guilty about working.

If your child is loved, nurtured, safe & has strong bonds with all caregivers (including siblings, nursery keyworkers, childminders or extended family) then you are absolutely not setting him or her up for a lifetime of psychological problems - that is just scaremongering and unnecessarily guilt inducing.

I don't understand why people are comparing children who have been taken from abusive, uncaring situations to this.

This isn't the same as a child being put into foster care because they were badly neglected and everything that sadly goes with that.

Surely circumstances matter when it comes to attachment issues? She will have her father and her grandmother looking after her, not the drastic change of strangers.

This isn't something I could do but I do feel like people are scaremongering here with cries of "JUST LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE!".

Is there real evidence that a child would be permanently damaged because in this situation? Where she is cared for by familiar people who love her?

Let's not forget that she will also be in her own home and have her own cot/toys/books.

A privilege most children in care have to give up.

I don't understand why people are comparing children who have been taken from abusive, uncaring situations to this.

Sorry that was me. Your point is taken and I apologise.

However, I do have to say that not all children taken into foster care, or placed for adoption, are from abusive or neglectful situations. I have looked after many who, due to their parent's history, were removed from their biological families at birth, and therefore have (thankfully) not have had to experience abuse or neglect. Others are placed for adoption due to the conscious decision of their biological families. Others still come into care due to the ill health, or indeed death, of their families. Single parents who may have to have operations and have no one to care for their children during that time. I did not make it clear that I meant children who have a loving and close relationship with one carer, who are then moved (for whatever reason) from them at the age the OP is talking of. I just wanted to make the point that this is the age for which problems can develop due to separation, whereas in my experience younger babies or those aged 18 months and above have a less traumatic relation to losing their primary carer. But I apologise again for interupting a conversation with points that are not really appropriate.

Leopardgecko please don't apologise! That comment was not directed at you.

You sound wonderful and like someone who knows what they are talking about.

You are not interrupting anything and have my utmost admiration for what you do/have done.

Op you and I are different people and I wouldn't have wanted or been able to leave my DD. My dh is the main breadwinner and our circumstances are very different.

If you can bear the separation, and you truly believe this will have a big impact on your job prospects, then perhaps you should go. I've scanned a couple of articles and the point, which jumped out at me was the most scary thing for your baby would be losing the primary care giver. If your partner is not the primary care giver, and this information is correct, could you swap these roles now to make the transition easier for her? Will she see grandparents and other close family/friends while you are away? I think familiarity with others and following already established familial rituals should also help with the initial pain she will feel at your loss. Would you also consider touching base with a child psychologist about this and/or maybe even do some work with one when you come back to ensure that any potential emotional damage caused by your separation is addressed. I know a child psychologist is very expensive but once you are earning, then it really is a worthwhile investment - we used one for DD a few years ago and the results were amazing - it was hard work for all of us. Being separated from one parent for 3 months isn't an incurable disease for a baby if handled well by responsible parents.

10 months for 3 months means you will miss DC's first birthday?

I doubt your DC would remember or have any long term effects from you being away.

Potentially you could miss an awful lot of 'Firsts' during this time away. so for you aswell, you have to make peace with this. If you a fretting over the use of baby wipes and nightly baths now, how will you feel if DC takes her first steps or develops a particularly bad cold. If you have any guilt associated with this then I would say do not go as you will be miserable. Other than that I would say go and enjoy!

When my youngest was 9 months old I went away for 4/5 nights. My SIL came to give dh a hand. We have similar colouring, hair length etc. When I got back, I could see S2 looking from one of us to the other, clearly confused.

I wouldn't count on your baby remembering you after three months. Or not being affected by the separation.

There's Skype and/or FaceTime where she'll see your face and hear your voice most days.

A 10 month old baby can not understand a lost real person being replaced with a digital version.

ODFOD.

She isn't a "lost" person, she is a mother who is going somewhere to further her career prospects for her family. She isn't just disappearing off the face of the earth, she may not be there in person but her dd won't just forget who she is or feel abandoned if she's seeing her mum on FaceTime/Skype and hearing her voice every day.

I read another post by someone, who said firsts are overrated. I'm glad I was there for dds first steps. But yes, I think firsts are overrated.

Why are firsts over-rated? It's lovely to see your own children develop and learn although there will be plenty more firsts op if you choose to go.

Internship placements aren't necessarily enhanced on experience abroad and perhaps there's a uk volunteer position that would look just as good on your cv... (I used to hire interns for a finance department and it would never have swayed me if they'd been abroad vs simply being able to prove they are capable of being independent and capable of holding a job down long term so things like long term volunteer placements where they'd been promoted whilst still at uni, duke of Edinburgh award gold etc swayed me) anyway my mother used to go back to her native country without me when I was a baby up to when I was two for a month each time. When I asked her why she stopped when I was two (and my sister would have been 1) she said, I got back once and you just stroked my face for ages as if to see if I was really there in front of you and apparently I stopped talking for months as well. I'm not saying this will happen and god knows if I need to go away for business I run like the wind but 3 months is a rather long time, not just for baby, maybe you're underestimating the effect on you and when you get back, the unit that would have been created in your absence that may be happily continuing might not go so smoothly once you're back and you might feel a bit out of place. Anyway like most people are saying here, only you know deep down what's best for your family.

Leaving you're 10m old child for 3 months.

1. Child probably won't remember you when you get back.

1. You can't be that close to your child to even contemplate being away from them for 3 months.

I know plenty of parents who are in the forces and go away regularly for 3, 4, 6 & sometimes 9 months at a time on subs and to war torn countries leaving spouses & dc's behind and have no issues at all.
I would do it personally and my husband already does do it. No issues here at all. Kids are happy, I'm happy and my husband is happy knowing we are happy.
If your family is happy and you are happy to do it then go for it.

This attachment theory stuff is crazy in this context. Can three months away in 18 years really damage a child forever!??? No one would say this about a father. Also I think it's hugely insulting to eg members of the armed forces who have little choice.

OP, if you are reading, do what's best for you and your family. Your DD won't even remember!

I'm not surprised the op has not come back, What an awful thread.

Op, Only you know your baby, dp and mil. If you think they will all be fine then go. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I would leave the armed forces and find another job rather than leave such a young DC for so long

and

Any financial gain to her in terms of your future career just isn't worth it

yada yada don't care about your child blah blah blah

I can quite understand why OP is considering this - future job prospects and opportunities are a huge pull when you want the best for your family. Short term pain for long term gain. That is certainly how most of my military friends see it. OPs circumstances are certainly different to mine, but I can understand (and support) why she is considering this avenue.

By remaining in the Army and fulfilling my contract, rather than leaving after having DD (which is what my heart wanted to do), I qualified for a large gratuity and immediate pension. As did DH. With that we were able to buy a house outright and we choose to work rather than having to work (we bring in £22k a year in pension - that pays all our bills (including fripperies). We have a safety net that is invaluable, leads to a very laid back and comfortable existence.

It means that DH does 'odd jobs' as and when he wants to but is around whenever needed for DD. It means that I have been able to work term time only and spend quality time with DD. All Without compromising our living standards at all.

If I had left after maternity leave I would have got a grand total of £8k from the MOD, no gratuity, no immediate pension. We would have had to take on a mortgage (or rent), buy a smaller place, work full time, pay childcare...all whilst living with the knowledge that we could lose our jobs/home/comfort at any point (much as the rest of the country does!).

DD would have seen less of us. There would be more stress in the household (and more saying 'no').

How is that better than a period of absence that she doesn't even remember?

I don't think firsts are over rated at all.

Op, I think you need to be very strong to leave a 10 month old for that long. I'm not saying you'd be wrong to do it, just that I know I wouldn't be strong enough. It was bad enough for me going back to work ft.

That said, I agree that 10 months is probably the best time to do it. She won't remember and she's being left with a loving and dedicated family, in her own home.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

You can't be that close to your child to even contemplate being away from them for 3 months.

What an obnoxious, offensive, deliberately nasty little assertion to make.

Can three months away in 18 years really damage a child forever!??? No one would say this about a father.

It's not 3mo in 18years though from the baby's point of view. It's three months right now. Or, to a baby, forever, because that's what she knows.

It's not some anti-feminist position I'm taking - I'd say the same to any primary attachment figure whatever sex they were. It's about what the baby will feel.

I'm not making this up for fun or to hurt the OP. There is a shit ton of evidence. Gecko has described it really well.

OP asked for opinions - I'm not going to feel bad for giving her one that doesn't happen to be 'go for it, hun'.

kiwi, it's not the same as working outside the home (because when you do that you keep coming home). No idea about sharing custody of one that age - I think a lot would depend on how long period away from primary attachment figure is.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.

I bring DD to a different country to spend time with my parents quite often and so far she has been fine with her dad upon return, like she doesn't seem to not remember him or at least she doesn't cry when she sees him at first.

If DD was bit older I would never consider being away from her for that long, but at 10 months I think she'd be fine emotionally. As calamityjam said, "10 months is old enough so that the new baby stuff is done with but too young to remember for the rest of her life or pine for you each day".
But I am indeed going to miss her first birthday and many more firsts and that's why I'm hesitant.

Happychappyforever, I am aiming for a career in development sector so an internship from a developing country would give me more.

I can't go for a shorter period as I'm on a scholarship and these are the rules, and I can't come back in between as I don't have the finances to.

Regarding the wet wipes, just gave it as an example. I used wipes for two weeks only while on holiday and DD got a nappy rash. I'll just make sure DP gets the water wipes or something if I decided to go. My main issue is that I'd miss her too much.

Thanks again all for the comments!

I would want to see some research into the ongoing psychological health of armed forced children (when the leaving parent was primary carer and child was a baby) before feeling reassured by that argument.

None of us can know how your child is going to cope. Possibly you won't know how your baby it's really doing with it either, even at the time. It's a risk without known outcomes that only you can weigh up.

Personally, if I was going to do it, I bf having a long transition period to dh as primary carer before hand, with mil coming to the fore also, and nursery already introduced. I think that's a big issue.

Whether your baby remembers it or not or has a great relationship with you afterwards isn't as important as the possibility that this experience would teach a deep seated lesson that people you care about and really on completely can simply disappear. But that might or might not happen.

I don't think you're a dodgy parent for considering it though, and I say that with a baby of the same age.

I wouldn't, it's a large percentage of her lifetime at this age.

You can't be that close to your child to even contemplate being away from them for 3 months.

Nasty. The op is trying to make a difficult decision- women trying to juggle opportunities/study/work with having young children can never do the right thing. No one would bat an eyelid at a dad doing this. Nevertheless op it's a very young baby and you will miss her and likely feel guilty.