To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

When DD was around that age DH had to keep working away a lot. It wasn't for three months in a row, but about 4 months when he was away more than he was home. It didn't seem to make any difference or upset Dd at all. She's 12 now and gets on great with him.

But I would be concerned about how much this trip would cost, and whether it really will help you in your career, or be an expensive but not very useful trip.

Whats the research opportunity and why is it so specific to Asia. If so, wont that dictate a future career choice? I guess if its that important to your career then really only you know how you would feel. You do not sound convinced its so important though>

My dad worked away for extended periods of time when me and my brother were little and we both have great relationships with our dad...

However we haven't spoken to our mum in years and she was the one that mostly looked after us.

I would think the person that it'll be hardest on would you op your dd will never remember that time mummy went away but she will benefit from the better job you secure in the future and when she's older you'll be able to tell that having a family doesn't mean setting aside your career or life goals.

Oh and Mango, let's hope that your DC agree with you on your conclusion that they have not been affected by their separations from you.

What a snipey, bitchy, passive aggressive little thing to say.

How horribly offensive Hippo.

Why are you getting so personal with Mango?

You are totally out of order.

Dancinghippo, perhaps you could ask adopted children whether they have a sufficient bond with their adoptive parents, or is the
'primal' bond with both the mother, the one who grew them in her womb, who's body they were part of (as you put it)
stronger?

S'ok Mistress, I'm too cold-hearted to be upset

Mango, I'm calling goady fucker and advising you to pay no more attention.

A step too far in women's lib

C'mon now.

You're right!

I have visions of cantankerous old man watching The Only Way Is Essex

"I blame the women's lib, me"

A cantankerous old man.

Opps.

This may be helpful. Little.
Here is the link and a quote from the abstract at the start. There is a long article with lots more details if you click on the link.

Maybe you could ask the GP to tell you of a child psychologist and you could ask for advice.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115616/

Drawing on theories of attachment and family instability, this study examined associations between early mother-child separation and subsequent maternal parenting behaviors and children’s outcomes in a sample of 2080 families who participated in the Early Head Start Research and Evaluation Project, the vast majority of whom were poor. Multiple regression models revealed that, controlling for baseline family and maternal characteristics and indicators of family instability, the occurrence of a mother-child separation of a week or longer within the first two years of life was related to higher levels of child negativity (at age 3) and aggression (at ages 3 and 5). The effect of separation on child aggression at age 5 was mediated by aggression at age 3, suggesting that the effects of separation on children’s aggressive behavior are early and persistent.

Are you primary carer/primary attachment figure? Then no. Fuck, no.

Read anything about attachment theory and you'll know for yourself you shouldn't.

Its exactly this that screws up children being taken into care - the separation from their carer is so damaging that neglect has to be severe or the danger acute before SS will remove children.

A child not remembering is not the same as a child not being affected by something. There is lots of evidence to show that trauma (and this would be traumatic) is worse in pre-verbal children because they can't talk about it.

And bollocks to all the shit about how men would do it or female soldiers would do it. So what? Doesn't make it right.

And it's absolutely not the same as leaving a child in daycare.

You've got time. Find a way for your DP and child can come to Asia with you too. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. There is a way to solve the dilemma of 'how will you earn enough money'. There are SO many ways to make a living. Think outside the box. Beg, steal or borrow enough. Look for grants or special scholarships. Use your intelligence to solve this problem. You want it, so go for it.

(I say this as someone whose partner came to live in another country with her while she was doing her post-grad. He found a way to make it happen.)

Demand for English teachers in Asia is very high.

Post grad research is SO not a full time job. Anyone who says so is a bullshitter or not-that-productive. If you're resourceful and smart you can do a lot of research in quite a short amount of time. (I wrote my Masters thesis in two weeks of sustained effort instead of the 3 months allocated, for example).

My DH is really the primary care giver. I work FT, he works PT and is there to pick up the kids every day from school. He had a fellowship abroad for 6 weeks when the kids were 18 months old and 3.5 years old. Kids didn't really seem bothered; I was around, their grand parents were there for the duration. I think if you both are around a lot, you being away for a couple of weeks won't be devastating. Will be really hard for you though!!

I'm very supportive of DC being left with their dads - doesn't happen enough. In this case however 3 months is a very long time- 10 months is really small. I wouldn't go for that long and neither would dh.y DH was offered an opportunity in Asia fairly short term so we've all gone

Read anything about attachment theory and you'll know for yourself you shouldn't.

And then read any of the numerous pieces of work questioning and debunking 'attachment theory' for balance.
For example John Bruer "The Myth of the First Three Years" (available from Amazon).

Absolutely not, a weekend or at most a week maybe, but not three months. Like a previous poster has already said, that type of separation is detrimental to your dc in the long term. Is it really worth your daughter being psychologically impacted? I

As others have said developmentally and emotionally this is the worst possible time to leave a child. I will not bore you with repeating the psychological reasoning for that, but it really is the most difficult age.

I am an adoptive parent and also a foster carer and my own practical experience with children leaving their primary carer at that age has shown the above to be true. A much younger baby or an older toddler is by far an easier time to be apart (well no age is good of course). I have found between the ages of 9 and 15 months to be the worst time for any separation and also the worst problems when reunited. Psychologists may argue on the longer term difficulties but I have witnessed again and again leaving a child of that age for that long to cause long term difficulties. I have found it much harder to initially bond with a child of that age, as they are still attached to their primary carer, and on the other hand it is equally as difficult for the relationship when reunited after a period of 3 months. With my own (adopted) children it was the one placed with us at 11 months that was the most difficult for them and took a longer time to bond. Younger babies and toddlers from 18 months onwards have far, far less difficulties. I hope I am explaining well enough (not sure if I am) but my experience, as well as the science behind it, would sadly make this a very vulnerable time for your little one.

With the foster children a 3 month separation at that age has damaged them emotionally, and caused much upset for the parents when after that time the little one does not recognise or have a bond with them.

I know others may disagree but this is what I have witnessed again and again over the years. So in my personal opinion it would be a huge mistake to go. I would advise against even if it were for an important/vital/unavoidable reason. But I would advise never to put a little one through the trauma and possibly long term consequences of the effects of the separation, just so a few paragraphs on a CV may, or may not, improve job prospects in the future.

But I wish you luck whatever you decide.

And then read any of the numerous pieces of work questioning and debunking 'attachment theory' for balance.
For example John Bruer "The Myth of the First Three Years" (available from Amazon)

Isn't that book about it not being just the first three years that are important?
i.e Teachers etc can't just blame the first three years for having made it all too late for a child to progress after early damage, as the brain does go on developing.

That does not affect the argument that it would be a bad thing for a baby to lose her primary care giver and usual routine for three months.

I have found this thread very enlightening. It is making me guilty about working out of home when my baby is so young, but, perhaps rightly so.

What is the research saying about children of this age going backwards and forwards between mum and dad, if they no longer live together? Is that detrimental and hugely damaging?

I'D rather do this when the child is 10months instead of 10years tbh.

My thoughts are GO. It's an opportunity you may not get again so take it now while you can. Ignore the posters saying you will be "abandoning" your dd. You would absolutely not be abandoning her at all. She'll be at home with her other loving parent, probably being spoilt rotten by her grandma and having a blast at nursery. There's Skype and/or FaceTime where she'll see your face and hear your voice most days. There's absolutely nothing to suggest that you taking this opportunity will "damage" her in the slightest. It's not like you're disappearing off the face of the earth for 3 months with absolutely no contact in that time. She may be a bit funny when you get back but she'll soon get back to normal.

Yes, you'll miss her loads but time will fly by and you'll soon be back having had an amazing experience.