To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Its exactly this that screws up children being taken into care - the separation from their carer is so damaging that neglect has to be severe or the danger acute before SS will remove children

Well, GibbousHologram , it could also be the fact that their parent carer has, you know, beat them black and blue, neglected them, sexually abused them or stubbed cigarettes out on them. That also has a mild 'screwing up' effect. And the reason SS do not intervene sooner is sadly down to a lack of funds and the policy of keeping kids with their birth families as long as possible is also financially motivated. The damage tends to be done by the time kids are removed and they are then put into unstable foster care. I strongly believe that if adoption took place sooner rather than giving an abusive alcoholic 15 chances and allowing her to fracture her child's ribs before intervening, it would be better for the children. To make a link between the OP working abroad for 3 months and children being taken into care though, is quite frankly idiotic.

I think there is some misunderstanding about attachment theory here.

As long as all the babies needs are met by loving caregivers she will be fine.

I am amazed that people dismiss attachment theory so easily, and reading the responses, it really shows some misunderstanding of it.

1. It is not about memory. She will not have a memory of anything at 10 months. It is about emotional security and health. There are a million studies that have been done, which show that a baby needs constant 1:1 care from a familiar adult as the basis of their emotional health

1. The issue is that the baby is abandoned by its carers. In this case, mum going away should not have a massive emotional impact as attachment theory because the baby is well attached to, and supported by Dad. Dad will be there, before, during and after the trip, so there shouldn't be an issue.

One of the earliest studies on this was done in 60's, my Mum used to use it in teaching NNEB students. It was referred to on page one. Oliver was left at a day/night nursery (common in 60s) when mum went in to hospital for 10 days to have sister. There was no key worker theory, and he had a rotating group of nurses looking after him. Dad was told to stop visiting as he was upsetting Oliver. He got so distressed he started to try and attach to the cameraman as he was the only constant face. very distressing video. Oliver rejects mum and dad after he goes home, and is still showing signs of distress months later.
The solution as given and shown in next video? Introduce child to an adult who becomes familiar (neighbour, nanny, etc) once they are a familiar face they take Oliver when mum is in hospital, one constant familiar face til mum gets back. Oliver attaches to new carer, and is fine.

It is the basis on which we have key worker theory operating in all our nurseries.

In OPs case, DAD is that person. Dd will not be left adrift with all her attachments severed, as she has Dad.

Whether you want to leave her, or not, she should be emotionally fine. She may become more of a dadies girl though!

My ds is only 7mo and I haven't left him for 3 hours yet... I could not imagine not seeing him for 3 months....

Go, if you think you would be comfortable with the separation.

Popular understanding of attachment theory is not very nuanced as some replies on this thread can attest. In fact with consistent, loving care from an alternative attachment figure, small children are fine with lengthy separations from attachment figures. What is disturbing to the point of psychological harm is separation followed by care in an institutional setting without a consistent and kind attachment figure. That's not being proposed here, so there is no need for some of the overblown responses threatening 'attachment disorder' and all sorts.

In other words, your baby will be absolutely fine being cared for by your MIL and DP as they will be consistent caring figures and no doubt will love her deeply.

It's probable that a period of absence will change the relationship you have with her, but how is anyone's guess as we don't know you or your baby.

This is a judgement call for you to make and if you do decide to go your baby will be fine.

As someone said on the very first page, this isn't really the place to ask, given people think you shouldn't even leave a baby in a car while you buy a car park ticket!

Only you can make the decision. But I am sure the negativity is because you are a woman. I am sure if your dd's dad was going to go, people would accept it. Someone mentioned being in the Army - people go off for tours of duty and are away for months. Why is it different?

I'm with the "she's very young and she won't remember when she's older" camp. If I could find something closer, I'd do that. But if this is truly your only option for such a project, then do it. Also look at the finances again, can you really not come back during the 3 months? Could anyone lend you some money? Would it be worth adding £2-3k to your mortgage if you have one for a couple of flights?

Well quite OTHM.

Attachment disorder is an extreme reaction to extreme circumstances. Not very applicable to the OP's proposal.

In surprised that supposed professionals feel comfortable making the connection here.

But then I've seen posters talk about AD in respect of children being put in nursery!

So would your DD have to go through settling into a nursery at the same time as you leaving for 3 months? How often does she see MIL now?
If you think your DD would cope ok with it then go for it.

Another Forces person here. DH has spent a LOT of time away from us in DD's ten years. They still have an amazing bond.

OP will be leaving her DD with her FATHER not some stranger.

But I am sure the negativity is because you are a woman. I am sure if your dd's dad was going to go, people would accept it.

I think that's because even in today's society, rightly or wrongly, the woman tends to be the primary care giver and attachment theory is based on this primary care scenario. I tore myself in bits considering the impact on ds if I went back to work ft when he was 10 months, because too many people were telling me that I would damage my child by doing so before the age of 3. However, as a pp has said, it's the quality of care provided in a parent's absence that has the strongest influence. I opted for a child minder. Ds is 5 now and we have the strongest relationship imaginable. He is absolutely secure, confident and loving and is very outgoing. Yet it's still me who he calls out for when he's ill in the night, he still seeks out my attention when he's in need of a cuddle or some understanding.

Women, as primary care givers, are subjected to a ridiculous amount of guilt. Op's ds is not being left in an orphanage, she'll have a huge amount of one to one care and love. Of course op may find the absence difficult and she may find it hard to recover the closeness when she returns. But it isn't insurmountable, she will get it back. And in the meantime she's being cared for by her father and grandmother, not some stranger!

Short term pain for long term gain. That is certainly how most of my military friends see it.

Mine too, LtEve

They've all struggled - mums and dads - with being away but the benefits far outweigh the negatives. Being able to be around when the child is older, because of the hardships you've gone through in the early years, is fantastic.

10 months does seem very young though, and the service mums I know have had slightly older toddlers. I don't think I could do it. But I can see why others do.

PLEASE consult a clinical psychologist who specialises in working with children and families (or similarly qualified professional) to thoroughly consider the potentially long-term consequences for you, your child and your family.

I would say it would appear you are edging towards a particular decision already. Fwiw my friend was adopted at three and she sometimes laughs at reactions like some of the ones on here because she doesn't remember anything of life before she was adopted at three and has turned out perfectly fine... So I would have thought three months and still with one parent isn't going to make a blind bit of difference, however like I say maybe it might affect you more than anyone else on your return and just something else to consider. Good luck.

PLEASE consult a clinical psychologist who specialises in working with children and families (or similarly qualified professional) to thoroughly consider the potentially long-term consequences for you, your child and your family.

Seriously?The child would be with her FATHER

Only skimmed through the replies and checked the OP's update. Just adding another opinion if it helps.

If it's important for you and your oh is on board, by all means do it.
From the little I know girls are less affected than boys, or at least seem to recover better, although a specialist would advise better.
She'll be with people who love her and she knows I'd start nursery well before you go so that the change is not that great.

If you go, I'd say skype, Skype, Skype. Keep in touch and show that you're still there for them.

Clinical psychologist? Jeez if we had to to that every time DH had to go away we would be bankrupt!

Op this is all about you and you missing your dd, if your dd was older it would be better for your dd.
You have totally ignored my comments as you just want validation for your choice.
It is your dd and its your choice but speaking as a professional the chances are this will affect your daughter and you may not notice the impact until she is older.
At the start of the thread no I didn't think you were a "bad mum" now I think you are a "bad mum" if you make this choice , either that or very naive.

A clinical psychologist cannot predict the future with any more accuracy than Mystic Meg.

You have totally ignored my comments as you just want validation for your choice.

You are a random on the Internet.
You are one voice amongst several on this thread.

It is your dd and its your choice but speaking as a professional the chances are this will affect your daughter and you may not notice the impact until she is older.

You could be Fred the bin man in rl.

At the start of the thread no I didn't think you were a "bad mum" now I think you are a "bad mum" if you make this choice , either that or very naive.

Why is she a bad mum?
Shitty, nasty, judgemental shit from someone who claims to be 'a professional'.

a baby needs constant 1:1 care from a familiar adult as the basis of their emotional health

Her father and grandmother are not familiar adults?

Did women not die in childbirth all the time in the past and sometimes do now? Other people stepped/step up and took/take care of them.

Apologies to the poster I quoted. I misread your post. I agree with you.

I didn't say she was a bad mum hence the ''
threads where someone asks for advice when all they want us validation annoy me.
Then people say oh yeah it will be fine without having a clue if it will be fine.
I am not saying it won't be fine, I am saying that statistically it won't be fine.
Op's dd may be not be as affected as badly as another child that will only become evident after the event.

I don't agree with those who think this will somehow damage your child given you'll be leaving her with her father and grandparent. However, I would advise you to think very carefully about the impact it may have on you.

I speak as someone who went away from my then-10mo old for 5 days and when she came back she didn't want to know me. It was heartbreaking - of course, she got used to me again, but having missed her terribly despite seeing her over facetime every day it was pretty horrible to have her cry when I went to cuddle her on my return.

Are you the main carer? If so, don't do it.
My xh has always spent periods of 2-3 months away from ds since he was 18 months old and it hasn't had any adverse effects because I have always been the main attachment figure.
If you are that person then a 3 month separation at

Clearly some of these professionals need to read up about child development a little more because they have totally misconstrued attachment theory.

Op you clearly trust your mother and dp to look after your child properly: she isn't going to form an insecure or avoidant attachment because you have been away for three months with regular Skype calls. She isn't going to turn around at the age of ten and tell you she hates her life because you weren't there for her that time her bowl of mushed bananas fell on the floor.

a parent can be present 24/7 and a child can develop an attachment disorder because it is all about how a child is treated by consistent caregivers. I've met children whose parents did not work and were always at home with awful attachment disorders because their parents for one reason or another could not adequately meet their needs.

I have never met a child whose got an attachment disorder because there mother left them for three months to go further her career when they were a baby.