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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
DancingHippo · 25/05/2016 23:16

That is quite an important developmental time for a baby realising that they are separate from the mother hence a lot of babies suffering separation anxiety at that age. I imagine it would be quite difficult bonding again when you got back.

Absolutely not worth it.

DancingHippo · 25/05/2016 23:18

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MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 23:20

I would also question the bond, a mother who could do this, had with her baby in the first place.

Plenty of well-bonded parents work away.

nosireebob · 25/05/2016 23:22

Wrong age - a few years later, no problem, but your baby is preverbal and there's no way of explaining why mummy has suddenly disappeared from her life. There's a very large scientific literature documenting that a caregiver leaving/dying at that age has long term negative consequences even if another loving parent remains. Not as much attachment disorder which is caused by neglect and poor parenting, but far higher risk of later problems with self-worth, anxiety, and of mental health problems. I honestly wouldn't risk it

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2016 23:24

What about people who don't have a choice, Hippo? A poster up thread was in the forces so she had to leave her young DD.

Do you question her bond? I don't.

As I said there are parents who are in the same houses as their children every day and have fuck all to do with them.

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2016 23:25

house*

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 25/05/2016 23:28

No.

If it was three months that would absolutely make your career then I'd consider it. (Although I'd be looking very carefully at other options too.)

But three months that might look good and might help you find a job - HELL NO!

NewLife4Me · 25/05/2016 23:31

I totally agree with DancingHippo

MissBattleaxe · 25/05/2016 23:33

I think the benefit is too vague. Personally I couldn't leave my children for that long at any age unless it was a matter of life or death. Oh and what's wrong with wet wipes?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 25/05/2016 23:35

Totally unfair on your DF as well as your DD. Why bother having a child in the first place when you put yourself in this position?

DancingHippo · 25/05/2016 23:35

Well the OP is not in a 'don't have a choice' predicament Mistress so that doesn't apply here. Women in the armed forces have a choice about leaving their kids though, IMHO, like having them when they finish their service.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 25/05/2016 23:39

Should have read the thread more carefully. 😊. Totally unfair on DMIL!

Maryann1975 · 25/05/2016 23:40

Personally, I couldn't have left my babies for that long when they were that small. But, DH was in the military when the DC were born. He left dd1 for two weeks when she was six weeks old and then again when she was six months he went to Iraq for four months. When ds was five months old he went for four months to Afghanistan. He left the RAF when dd3 was six months old, but he had left her for a couple of weeks prior to leaving. No one ever told him he was a bad father for leaving his child. Or made him feel guilty for abandoning them. I hate it when mothers are made to feel guilty but not dads. We are all parents. It's just different circumstances that affect what we do.
Lightbulbon Wed 25-May-16 21:19:00
As someone who is happy to put a younger baby into childcare 50+ hours a week even I wouldn't do this.

10 months is peak for seperation anxiety. She won't understand and will grieve you. Then she is likely to reject you when you return. She could develop an attachment disorder. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
Lightbulbon, does your child reject you after being left in childcare for 50+ hours a week? I would think that is the majority of your child's awake time? If you are worrying about separation anxiety you maybe need to look closer to home before you judge others.

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 23:44

Women in the armed forces have a choice about leaving their kids though, IMHO, like having them when they finish their service.

What about the fathers in the armed forces?

A career in the military is usually 22 yrs.

Should the military only employ childless people?

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2016 23:48

I can't get my head around that either Mango and I'm a SAHM.

Is there any proof that the children of women in the forces end up with problems later in life? I doubt it.

Families make things work.

LucyBabs · 25/05/2016 23:51

I would wonder why anyone who is already in "the forces" has children.. They know they will likely be away for months at a time or be at risk of being killed.
And I'm talking about men and women..

MistressMerryWeather · 25/05/2016 23:54

Because they are people like everyone else and want to have a family! Jesus.

Do you think being in the forces is like Apocalypse Now every day?

Don't be silly.

MangoMoon · 25/05/2016 23:59

I was in the RAF for 20 yrs Lucy.

I left last year - my boys are now 11 & 14 and perfectly well adjusted, emotionally secure, happy children.

I had children because I wanted to have children.

Is that reason good enough for you?

LucyBabs · 26/05/2016 00:00

mistress yes they are people, obviously Confused
Doing that job though brings huge risks, I wouldn't be comfortable bringing children into that life.
Especially if both parents were in that line of work

Orangecookie · 26/05/2016 00:01

No. Really don't do it OP.

A baby of 10 months is at a crucial stage of development, it may not look like there is a huge amount going on, but the basic fundamentals of life are taking place in that brain - communication, trust, security.

The baby needs a main care giver that is in tune now and a constant. If you go away then not only will there be a huge gap and change just when your baby is getting to realise and experience anxiety about separation, but when you get back it will take a period of readjustment for both of you - that is just too long.

If a parent HAD to go away, and to put clothes/food/roof over their head, then that is more understandable, but still a VERY vulnerable age to leave a child. Older child who has formed good, solid bonds and trust, maybe. Not now.

MangoMoon · 26/05/2016 00:02

Well then it's a good job that other people are comfortable with doing it then Lucy, isn't it.

Then people like you don't need to concern yourself.

LucyBabs · 26/05/2016 00:02

I don't really care mango it was your decision to make, it doesn't affect me. I was only giving an opinion.

MangoMoon · 26/05/2016 00:03

I'm only giving an opinion too.

KindDogsTail · 26/05/2016 00:03

I would not go. This is an extremely formative time of her life. Your child will miss you. She probably hardly knows where you stop and she begins.

LucyBabs · 26/05/2016 00:04

Right you are mango