To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Thank you all for taking the time to share your experiences or give opinion here; I respect all your views. Regarding the study from the 60's - I think it's outdated and I'd rather look at more recent sources. I must admit I didn't consider the possibility of DC's developing separation anxiety as I thought she would have at least one parent and be home. I also mentioned in an earlier post that I would bring her every two-three months to see DGPs and she doesn't seem to look at them as strangers when she sees them initially.

Do you still think you'll go to do the research OP?

Well I have never heard of it, and took the comment at face value.

So there was an experiment where baby monkeys were raised in cages by robots then?
You are the only poster that made that connection though.

Maggie, why do you want to know?
You were the one that said you were glad she wasn't your 'fucking' mother....

They werent robots, they were wire surrogate 'mothers' that fed them but offered no comfort. It was the brain child of Hartry Harlow, and its very interesting.
pages.uoregon.edu/adoption/studies/HarlowMLE.htm

Baby monkeys with no caring parent grew up into abusive adults that couldnt relate to each other, or raise their own infants normally.

But as DS has her Dad, it isnt relevant.

OP, separation anxiety wont be an issue as your DS has her Dad.

I just googled it actually EveryoneElsie, it's foul.

Clearly I wouldn't have thought something like that remotely funny.

Pretty shocked that you actually thought that I would have tbh Kinddog

I wouldn't say you're a bad mother or anything of the kind and you jave to make the decision that works for you but for me recntly I had to spend a few weeks in hospital, still saw dd so not really the same as being away but when I got home it did upset me that even from that she would reach for dh rather than me when tired/upset. It's balancing out now but, and this may be silly/petty of me, I found that hard. How would coming home to her bonded, albeit temporarily, to dh/mil moreso than you be for you?

Do you still think you'll go to do the research OP?

maggiethemagpie I'm just as confused as before this treat. Most people here say my bond with DC will be disrupted if not scar her for life, but in my opinion DC is young only and if I'd leave her for that long now would be the time and not in a couple of years when she'd be asking bout mummy and missing me consciouly. Also people are right my research might not lead to any better career prospects but If I went I could at least say I'd tried to work for our future. But I'm going to miss her so much I'm not sure I could cope.

Hi OP, plenty of women in the Armed Forces have to leave their children at home for long periods of time. I have. 6 months. It's fine. DD and I are incredibly close. 3 months will be fine.

If its that you wouldnt like to be separated for that long its one issue, but it wouldnt scar her for life.
She is being left with a loving parent. Thats what she needs. Thats what children of single parents get. They dont grow up automatically damaged.
At what age does it become ok to leave them?

By the logic of some on this thread, children should not be able to cope with being adopted, or having a step parent, and thats just not true.
To learn to love as adults we need unconditional love as babies and children. We need a loving carer or parent. The sex of that carer is irrelevant, they dont even need to be related to us.
Dont let that thought concern you.

If you had to go into hospital you'd cope. You'd use Skype or something.

Littleworrier
Regarding the study from the 60's
I am not sure if you meant a study I had been referring to with baby chimps? If so, please ignore that, as that remark was in relation to a joke another poster had made regarding baby monkeys being raised by robots. What I said in response was about experiments in the 1950s or '60s with baby monkeys being alone with surrogates made of wire or cloth, or isolated. It is not relevant to your situation, but the scientist had done the experiments to find out more about infant attachment.

A good, modern psychologist you could probably ask for advice if you are in the UK, and if you thought it might help, is Sue Gerhardt who knows a lot about babies and has written a great deal. She wrote this: www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

Her contact is here:
oxford.cylex-uk.co.uk/company/ms-sue-gerhardt---psychotherapist-19111836.html

Hope all goes well, Little and you can find a way to make it work all round.

I absolutely wouldn't do it if my life depended on it.

KindDogsTail thanks for the recomendation, I'll google Sue Gerhardt.

Littleworrier
My pleasure.

You wouldn't leave your child with their loving father if your life depended on it? Really?
And you'd leave your child without a mother forever, so that they wouldn't be without you for 3 months?
It certainly makes sense.

Sorry, it was to allowlsthinkalot.

You sound guilty already OP, reading between the lines it doesn't sound like you would cope.
Contact your HV who will be more than willing to discuss your predicament and child development theories with you.

Ultimately it is your decision.
Good luck.

MangoMoon
Pretty shocked that you actually thought that I would have tbh Kinddog

You had written LOL about the joke to do with baby monkeys raised by robots - and I would not laugh about that and I was a bit shocked by your laughing and more especially at the p who made the joke.

As this thread has included discussion about attachment theories, and that monkey experiment about attachment theory I mentioned is well known, the joke (about a robot scenario that would not be nice for baby monkeys either) seemed not un--related.

I understand you had not heard of the other experiments before. And you were probably not thinking of the monkeys and the robots per se but wanted more to laugh at posters who think OP's baby might be harmed if she goes away to work for three months even when her father and grandmother would be there to care for her.

Do it if you think you can. It'll be hard but you should be really motivated.

I understand you had not heard of the other experiments before. And you were probably not thinking of the monkeys and the robots per se but wanted more to laugh at posters who think OP's baby might be harmed if she goes away to work for three months even when her father and grandmother would be there to care for her.

Again, you are ascribing things to me that are simply untrue.
I did not want to 'laugh at posters' at all.

You really need to stop making such huge assumptions ffs.

You wouldn't leave your child with their loving father if your life depended on it? Really?
And you'd leave your child without a mother forever, so that they wouldn't be without you for 3 months?
It certainly makes sense.

For me, it sounds like a bad idea. Just because your baby can't articulate that she's missing mummy doesn't mean that she isn't. I dont think it matters who looks after a baby, mother, father, grandparents but what matters is consistency. If your baby is used to her mother caring for her and then she goes for three months it will have an adverse effect on her.

It doesn't sound like you have much faith in the dad, what with his less than daily baths and baby wipes I would decide whether you want to be primary caregiver to your baby or whether you want to go travelling for research. I would choose the baby, research is less important tbh.

Kinddogs Littleworrier I saw videos of that experiment on the tv. One robot was covered in soft cloth or perhaps fur and provided no nourishment. The other robot was wire and provided the food. The baby monkeys practically ignored the wire robots and craved the softness/warmth and therefore attachment to others. It was heart wrenching.

Sorry, I'm a little unclear about the relevance here. And what about babies, who are fostered as babies and then as adopted as toddlers? Many of these children have transitioned successfully from loving foster parents to loving adoptive parents, haven't they? (Which is kind of a bit similar to what would happen in this circumstance albeit for a 3 month period). I thought the most important part in the development of a child's emotional stability was to have love and caring and understanding and mirroring and all the other things a baby needs. So if op is ensuring this will happen, we cannot say the baby will be damaged. I said way back I think involvement of a child psychologist would perhaps be a good idea to touch base to reassure op and check emotional development later on. HV discussion also good idea.