To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

I would never leave my child for so long. Baby wipes thing a bit patronisinh

If you were a man, people would be applauding you for making a short term sacrifice (seeing dd) for long term gain (professional)
Is there anyway your h and dd can visit you half way through?
You were being pernickety about wipes etc. He's not cleaning her bottom with his used toilet paper or something!
If your h is supportive, I think you should go for it.

If you were a man, people would be applauding you for making a short term sacrifice

I wouldn't.

If you were a man, people would be applauding you for making a short term sacrifice

Er...no.

If you were a man, people would be applauding you for making a short term sacrifice

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I wouldn't. I'd feel pretty much the same regardless of which partner were making the choice.

Handsome
God I dread to think what 'proof' anyone would find for that. Probably something involving baby monkeys being raised in cages by robots.

MangoMoon Fri 27-May-16 11:12:30
grin
Actually lol'd Handsome!

Just for any one who does not know of an experiment done with a baby chimp in the late 1950s or in the 1960s, which Handsome may have extrapolated from, the experiment on the baby chimp was so cruel and horrendous, and the effects so awful and pitiful, that it beggars belief that a human being actually carried it out.

No lol for me.

(No, I am not saying the OP's baby is in the same position.)

Look at all these martyr mothers who "personally couldn't do it as no money or career progression would be worth being away from my baby". 😒. Listen to yourselves fgs.

What a rude thing to say. It's perfectly usual for a mother not to want to leave her child for three months. Personally I would be emotionally distressed at being away from my kids when they were babies for as long as three months. It doesn't make me a better or worse mother than anyone. Nor does it make me a martyr. Each to their own, but don't insult other people's POV.

If you were a man, people would be applauding you for making a short term sacrifice

I wouldn't.

But on the other hand i do think that if a man said he'd rather not take up the opportunity because he wouldn't want to be away that long (and lots of men make these kinds of decisions every day), women wouldn't be calling him a "daddy martyr". they'd just accept that that was his choice.

I don't think you'd be a bad mother but I coulndn't personally.... I need to be near my child as much as possible. Plus... and maybe thse are my own worries talking but if your DH is ever unfaithful and wants custody of DC, he'll prob get it based on being the parent who has been around since birth. You say your time in Asia is optional. I'd make it optional until you can afford to all go together

Mango moon that's not true I think it's a bad idea and it happens regular in my family

My husband goes awa for a month at time and it does have a negative effect on our 19 month son and even now he has no clue who he is when he returns home even though he face times him almost daily

He asks for his dadda for number of days after he has gone

We find his reactions heart breaking and unless totally essential I as I have stressed numerous time I do not recommend it

So I am not speaking nonsense I speak from experience

There is a big difference between a 10 month old and an 19 month old. The power of speech for one

My 11 month old was absolutely fine and completely back to normal within a couple of days. DH reckons she was unsettled for 2 or 3 days after I went but nothing concerning. When she was 3 she definitely missed me, and asked for me a few times but DH made a 'chuff chart' and she understood better when I was coming home. Again she was completely back to normal within a couple of days of my return.

She doesn't remember either absence now.

Look at all these martyr mothers who "personally couldn't do it as no money or career progression would be worth being away from my baby". 😒. Listen to yourselves fgs

That made me LOL. I have a career. It did not require me to leave my children for months at a time.

Many women manage perfectly well as single mothers. Your DH and daughter will be absolutely fine.
Enjoy your trip and good luck with your career.

Well I can tell you now at 10 months it had a negative effect on my sons relationship with his father every time he left, he had no clue who he was and wouldn't go to him when he returned home, after 4 weeks this man in his house was a nothing but a stranger and it would take nearly the 4 weeks for him to appear close to him again

So as I've said not something I'd recommend unless you have no choice

Luckily in this case the OP does have a choice

We don't as my husband has to work but if it was optional he wouldn't leave

I personally don't think I could do it but I think if you feel ok about going and your husband is supportive then go for it.
Dad's can be surprisingly good at this parenting malarkey - they may not do things the same way as us mums but their way doesn't mean it's the wrong way. I work overnight shifts and my partner is amazing at looking after my 3 children aged 7 and under, he does almost everything that I would usually do and most things he misses is because it's just not part of his usual routine with them.
I just think you should take these opportunities as they come along in life. There is no way my partner would be supportive of it now we have children which is fair enough but before we had children I had the opportunity to work in India for 3 months - I went even though it caused a huge fallout, maybe i was being selfish as my partner believes or maybe i was living my life before i had any major responsibilities. 3 months really wasn't long. Now I have children it would feel like a lifetime personally.
sorry just realised i'm running on a bit lol - just do what your gut feeling is x

Repeated absences are not the same as a one off.
And the people "who have to work" don't really need to work away from home. It is still a choice, as there are other jobs that don't involve being away from home for long periods.

Well I can tell you now at 10 months it had a negative effect on my sons relationship with his father every time he left, he had no clue who he was and wouldn't go to him when he returned home, after 4 weeks this man in his house was a nothing but a stranger and it would take nearly the 4 weeks for him to appear close to him again

So if it had been one absense for 3 months, followed by 4 weeks of 'getting to know each other' do you really think it would have a long term damaging impact?

OP go it you want to, sounds like your child will be well cared for. I'm sure you'll miss her terribly but its up to you and you (and DH) to decide of going away is right for you.

I don't truly believe that one 3 month absense will 'damage' your baby. A bit inserted for a few days at a time in their lives they aren't going to remember.

Could be the making of the relationship with you DP n

It's not for as long, but DH has been going away for 3 weeks at a time, every 6 weeks since DD2 was 6 months old, DD1 2.5 years (merchant navy). It's been hard work for me but the DDs really haven't been affected. It's OUR normal.

At the end of Y1 DD1's teacher was shocked to find out he went away so often, because DD1 had no changes in behaviour and hadn't mentioned it. DD2 went through a phase last year where she talked about missing him, but that's settled.

DDs adore their DF. On the day he leaves he gives them an extra hug and tells them he'll be back in three weeks. I tell them 'Daddy is coming home' on the day he's due, occasionally the night before. The rest of the time it's barely mentioned and we just get on with life/school/day out. Sometimes we plan surprises for him and I'm not allowed to tell him when they have an achievement as they want to tell him themselves.

I presume there is time for your DH to take over more of the primary care-giver/ emotional support role before you are due to go? I don't see how leaving a child with a responsible parent for a short while, even 12 weeks or so, is a bad thing. I will say that DH was sometimes shocked by how much development he missed even in 3 weeks , and it's one reason why he doesn't want to transfer to another job with longer working absences.

martyr mothers

I thought mumsnet was supposed to be about supporting other parents? The OP asked for opinions and some women said they couldn't do. And acknowledged that parenting involves sacrifices. It's a sad moment for children if that's become taboo.

at a time in their lives they aren't going to remember.

Regardless of the question in the thread, please people stop assuming that not remembering an event means it has no effect. That is not true.

KindDogsTail, I replied "lol" to a funny thing that another poster said about an imagined proof involving robots.

From that you made an outstanding leap to an experiment from the 1950s or 1960s (the decade you were unsure of) which was very cruel to chimps, then implied that I had found the experiment (which I have never heard of) as funny.

I am flabbergasted as to the mental gymnastics required to reach that conclusion.

Salene, not once did I say or suggest that you were "speaking nonsense".

Not really sure where you got that from to be honest.

Do it, she will be with her loving Dad and grandmother. Attachment nutters need to realise this is hardly a barren orphanage type situation. Your life is important too.

Quite amusing that one poster used the phrase 'martyr mothers' and countless posters have been enraged.

Yet posts including the following did not receive the same level of outrage:

I'm fucking glad OP is not my mother

I would question the bond a mother who would even think about this has with her child

Why bother having kids in the first place

Etc

I too thought mumsnet was supposed to be about supporting other mothers gonetoseeamababoutadog.

Mango
Probably something involving baby monkeys being raised in cages by robots

That was the joke I had to do great mental gymnastics about to find a link
with a very well known experiment with baby chimps in cages deprived of their mothers. The experiment was in deed about attachment theory.