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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 13:02

I would recommend reading OhTheHugeManatee's very reasoned posts re attachment theory Salene.

Salene · 27/05/2016 13:07

I will do thanks it's a big concern for me due to my husband working away a month at a time but we have no choice as have to live and my husband is a driller so not exactly a job he can do and be at home. I see how much my toddler misses him yet I a primary CG but there is still a effect on him

Also my husband really struggles being away from him , it's a horrible situation to be in and not one is recommend to anyone if you can avoid it , hence why my saying to OP don't go.

tupperwareAARGGH · 27/05/2016 13:15

People in the Armed Forces do it all the time. Just go.

zeezeek · 27/05/2016 13:34

Me personally I don't think research is rubbish.

As a scientist I can cite many, many papers that actually are rubbish.

I would also take any research from the 1960's with a pinch of salt as it's far too outdated now to be relevant.

fruitpastille · 27/05/2016 13:44

In the long run it would probably be ok, you would likely both get over it.

But I cannot imagine anything that could entice me to leave my baby/children/husband for three months with no chance to visit in between. I would rather be worse off in my career/finances to be honest. I think about 3 weeks would be my limit.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 13:44

no one can dare say anything negative to the OP who asked for people's judgements in the first place.

But you did dare Maggiethemagpie.
You got deleted for it.

Something along the lines of 'being fucking glad that OP isn't your mother'.

maggiethemagpie · 27/05/2016 13:55

What's your point Mango? Because you seem to have just proved mine.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 14:04

My point is that you can comment with your opinion of OPs situation, you can say you would or wouldn't do it yourself and why.

What you can't do is be offensively nasty & resort to personal attacks.

If that was also your point then yes, we agree.

Buttock · 27/05/2016 14:08

Look at all these martyr mothers who "personally couldn't do it as no money or career progression would be worth being away from my baby". 😒. Listen to yourselves fgs.

Op, if I had grandparent help and a dh who was willing and able to help look after my baby, then I'd go with no guilt at all. Same how I'd jump at the chance to go on holidays without my kids if I had parents or pils who would keep them. How is a 10m old's relationship going to be affected with its mother? There are a million ways to keep in contact these days and the father will be there.

3 months out of A whole life time isn't much and I'm sure your dd aged 16 isn't going to hold it against you.

Oysterbabe · 27/05/2016 14:21

Being unwilling to be separated from your 10 month old for 3 months is not being a martyr, it's an entirely normal reaction for probably most mothers.

coconutpie · 27/05/2016 14:26

minipie - for goodness sake, that's taking what I said out of context. It's not an absolute necessity for the OP to leave her baby for THREE WHOLE MONTHS. Comparing it to a hair appointment or even having to go away for a few days is just ridiculous. It is NOT the same.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/05/2016 14:31

Look at all these martyr mothers who "personally couldn't do it as no money or career progression would be worth being away from my baby". 😒. Listen to yourselves fgs.

Yeah, complete disgrace aren't they. Who do they think they are making work/life decisions that suit them best - unbelievable. good job they have selfless people like you to tell them how they should in fact feel.

By the way I didn't realise it was compulsory to be all cool with spending 3 months away from your baby? When did that rule come in?

betsyderek · 27/05/2016 14:38

I work offshore and in a different country but they are only a 40 minute flight away and I get 1 week in 5 off as an absolute minimum plus quite a lot of downtime. Husband is a teacher so works easy hours term time only. I am not sure I could leave for months and be a long haul flight away, going would be Ok but coming home and settling back into the dynamic is something that takes a lot of practice, life goes on without you quite easily even if you are the perfect mother. Everyone will be fine and thats, I think, the issue. We are used to it now but it's not for the faint hearted!

fruitpastille · 27/05/2016 15:06

I'm no martyr and comments like that are uncalled for. I enjoy time away on holiday on my own and I have a career too thanks.

I also know that I would not find an enhanced CV a good enough reason for me to leave my family (especially young children) for 3 months. My dh wouldn't do it either. Obviously not everyone feels the same way.

NickyEds · 27/05/2016 15:58

Buttock not wanting to be away front your children for 3 months is not some form or martyrdom. It is perfectly understandable.

How is a 10m olds relationship with its mother going to be affected? Her baby will most likely not even recognise her after three months away from her. She will have transferred her affection to her grandma. It would be incredibly upsetting for a 10 month old to lose their main care giver, as far as the baby knows her mother has simply vanished off the face of the earth. Then, after the three months she would have to get used to her mother again. It is in no way comparable to going on holiday for a week. You don't have to be a martyr to find this unacceptable and not want to do it unless absolutely unavoidable.

3 months out of a life time isn't much -it is when you are not 10 months old. It is your entire frame of reference.

exLtEveDallas · 27/05/2016 16:01

I'm pretty sure that the Martyr Mothers comment is backlash on behalf of the OP and those of us who have left their children and have been called questionable names and had Passive Aggressive comments aimed at them throughout the thread.

Not nice when the boot is on the other foot, is it?

How about:
Yes I've done it and everything was fine OP
No I wouldn't do it because I'd worry too much OP

Easy ways to be on either side of the initial question without being horrible.

Canyouforgiveher · 27/05/2016 16:21

I'm pretty sure that the Martyr Mothers comment is backlash on behalf of the OP and those of us who have left their children and have been called questionable names and had Passive Aggressive comments aimed at them throughout the thread.

well that is not what Buttock said. What she said was that women who say they couldn't leave their child for that length of time were martyr mummies.

and there have been plenty of nasty comments from each boot in this thread. Buttock's was one of them.

And the OP ASKED for opinions. She didn't post in chat saying "I've left my child anyone want to give me a bit of support". She asked what people would think. People responded saying whether they would or could do it. She surely must have expected that at least one person would say "no couldn't do it because I don't think it would be good for my child".

Buttock · 27/05/2016 16:44

The OP isn't being forced away from her baby. She is trying to make a decision whether to do it or not. The baby has a stable home life with a no doubt loving grandma and perfectly capable father. There are many families like this where one parent is away for months at a time regularly. There are families (more common in places like China) where the parents are studying/working abroad and the grandparents raise the child. If YOU can't do it, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It doesn't make you a better parent just because you "couldn't do it".

She will have transferred her affection to her grandma. It would be incredibly upsetting for a 10 month old to lose their main care giver, as far as the baby knows her mother has simply vanished off the face of the earth. Then, after the three months she would have to get used to her mother again.

Right, how do you even know this will happen?
Three months of a 10m old's life will not scar her for life. She won't grow up affected by how her mum left her "all alone" for 3 months. Especially if she has a loving father and grandma in her life.

Yes and I'll say it again, they ARE martyr mummy comments. Why is it so bad for a mother to want to better her career opportunities if it involves going away for a few months?

GetAHaircutCarl · 27/05/2016 16:49

canyou I expect the OP would have expected replies along the lines you give.

That's no problem.

But posters have gone much much further than that.

Posters who claim expertise and then post utter rot about serious MH problems have to be challenged surely?

tabulahrasa · 27/05/2016 16:55

"Why is it so bad for a mother to want to better her career opportunities if it involves going away for a few months?"

Because she only says she hopes it'll better them.

She's not said that she actually desperately wants to do the three months, or that there are very definite benefits to doing them...it's just it might improve job offers.

NickyEds · 27/05/2016 16:57

I didn't say it would scar her for life. I don't think it would.

Do you seriously think that the a 10 month old wouldn't be distressed? Would not become attached to their grandma? Be confused on her mother's return?

I have a 10 month old and I'm 99% certain that she wouldn't recognise someone after a three month absence.

OTheHugeManatee · 27/05/2016 17:22

Someone posted an interesting link on a different thread (I'll see if I can find it) to a research paper that gave a case study showing how popular representations of scientific research are generally mobilised to reinforce pre-existing social ideas. I think attachment is sadly very much a case in point. While the research itself is moderate, quite nuanced, and most pertinent to the treatment of children in institutional settings, it has been co-opted as a kind of pseudo-scientific authority with which to reinforce pre-existing ideas about how mothers should behave around their children. Numerous posts on this thread corroborate this.

There are several misunderstandings that keep cropping up. One important one (that turns up on threads discussing 'attachment parenting' as well) is the idea that insecure attachment styles are profoundly dysfunctional, rather than generally well within the normal range of social functioning - some 40-50%% of people exhibit an insecure attachment style when tested as adults. A second misunderstanding is the notion that brief childhood experiences are immutably deterministic - for example that a single short experience such as a three-month separation will irreversibly 'damage' the child for life. Combined with the first misconception, you can see how the catastrophising begins.

The reality is that the only profoundly dysfunctional attachment style is caused by frightened or frightening caregiving, such as violence, parental psychosis or drug abuse, or severe neglect. This does have lifelong consequences and is difficult to remedy. But the vslast majority of parenting is perfectly adequate from an attachment perspective and it is deeply unhelpful to new parents, who are generally just doing their best, to suggest otherwise.

Yet another misapprehension is around how much parents can actually do to affect their child's attachment style. In fact the strongest predictor of secure attachment is the primary caregiver testing as secure in the Adult Attachment Interview. There is no evidence whatsoever (if anyone knows of any please correct me, I am always on the lookout) that a parent testing as avoidant or preoccupied in the Adult Attachcment Interview can affect the chances of their child's developing a secure attachment style through any methods such as bed-sharing or carrying a baby in a sling. That is to say, AP methods and constant maternal proximity to one's children may be appealing for any number of reasons but there is no evidence that they do anything to affect a child's attachment style.

Again the reality is that a style of interacting - and resulting attachment style - is transmitted by a caregiver through a billion tiny interactions every day, and not by single major events such as a 3-month separation or by techniques, length of breastfeeding etc. My own view is that, given that a secure attachment style can be learned via psychotherapy, anyone genuinely concerned that their own patterns may impede their children's developing a secure attachment style would be better spending their money on a good adult psychotherapist than on babywearing equipment or an extra large bed.

With the in mind, should the OP decide to pursue the internship as described, the thing to watch out for would be alterations to the relationship on her return. She would need to prepare for a period of readjustment as she resumed her relationship with the baby, and to have support for any difficult feelings that could arise if, for example, the baby took a while to respond to her again as she had done before leaving. If any long-term harm were to be done it would NOT be caused by the separation as such but through this rapprochement being badly handled, with a resulting knock-on effect on the subsequent relationship. If steps were taken to support the OP to avoid this outcome I do not see why she should not travel as described.

Again, it is really important that attachment not be seen as a cut and dried injunction to mothers to behave in a certain way. It is about styles of human interaction, it is more plastic than deterministic and there is plenty of scope for alternative caregiving arrangements with no loss of psychological wellbeing in the child. The key is to ensure happy ongoing relationships within the family and I see nothing to suggest that the OP would not do this.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 17:23

Nicky, you may be 99% certain that she might not recognise someone after a 3 month absence - but several posters in this thread (me included) with actual experience of leaving their very young children have said the exact opposite.

It is hard on the person leaving.
The children in my experience were fine.
On my return, every single time, within^^ a week it was as if I'd never been away.

The hyperbole on this thread has come entirely from posters who have never actually done it.
Yes, all opinions are valid about the subject but the actual lived experience of me and others is real.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 17:26

OTHM, all of your posts have been great on this thread - I am an unashamed fan.

OTheHugeManatee · 27/05/2016 17:32

Here's that case study. It describes the reporting of a different research area (neurology of sex differences) but illustrates beautifully the way scientific research can be stripped of nuance and co-opted to reinforce pre-existing social agendas. I'm afraid this is abundantly, depressingly the case with attachment theory, which has been misappropriated in popular discourse to give an authoritative, sciency spin to the age-old social pressure on women to stay home with the children. As I said, it's new money for very, very old rope.