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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 11:05

A young baby needs its mum more than its dad, the bond is greater between mother and baby than baby & father.

Proof?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 27/05/2016 11:08

God I dread to think what 'proof' anyone would find for that. Probably something involving baby monkeys being raised in cages by robots.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 11:12
Grin Actually lol'd Handsome!
MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 11:15

Irrefutable proof that a baby likes its mum more than its dad....

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 27/05/2016 11:16

Hahaha!

EatShitDerek · 27/05/2016 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Workinzzz · 27/05/2016 11:28

When DD was 4 months old I was hospitalised for 7 days and unable to pick her up/hold her for 4 weeks. I then went back to work full time when she was 6 months as I couldn't afford any more mat leave. She cannot remember a single thing about this time, we have an amazing relationship, but she also has an amazing relationship with my DH and her 2 sets of GP's as she knows that so many people love her and take care of her.

Of course if I am around I am always the one she wants a cuddle off if she falls, but when I'm not any one of those people are her rock and she knows it.

Although my separations weren't by choice imo if you think this will benefit your whole family in the long run then you should go, you will be the one who finds it the hardest to deal with.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 27/05/2016 11:48

Ok, I will concede that babies tend to have closer bonds with their mothers in the early days than with their fathers. But by the time they're (plucked out of the air) six months (or weeks?), if another person is also present, caring and attentive then they will also form a very, very strong bond with them.

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/05/2016 11:54

Grin Mango

FoggyBottom · 27/05/2016 12:03

Easily one of the most vile and ridiculously hysterical threads I've ever seen on Mumsnet

OP, you'll probably miss her 100 times more than she'll miss you.

I'd weigh up whether this is something that will actually benefit your career or not, and if it really will, then go for it. Just like a man would do in the exact same situation.

This. I hope you're OK, OP Flowers The moral policing of women by other women on this thread is just awful.

maggiethemagpie · 27/05/2016 12:04

Absolute rubbish Salene, my partner is a SAHD and my daughter will ask for him more than me simply becuase he's the primary carer she doesn't give a jot whether he is a man or a woman.

maggiethemagpie · 27/05/2016 12:07

I am quite bemused by all the sympathy towards the OP who came on here asking posters for their opinion on whether she was a 'bad mother'. Yet when people have given their opinion they get slated!

Mumsnet never fails to amuse me, people get heavily criticised for trivial things on other threads, but something important like whether to leave a baby for 3 months and no one can dare say anything negative to the OP who asked for people's judgements in the first place.

Really, there's no other internet forum like MN

BoboChic · 27/05/2016 12:09

The issue at stake is nothing to do with the relative adequacy of mothers and fathers as primary carers for babies. It has to do with the fact that a primary carer of a young baby might disappear for a few months. There are significant risks to doing this, though whether those risks will materialize is, of course, uncertain.

TychosNose · 27/05/2016 12:18

Peregrane some posters on this thread are talking absolute shit about things they know nothing about. Not you btw. I mean the pp that you are referring to.

Salene · 27/05/2016 12:19

Take time to read the study's conducted on this subject , it's been greatly researched since the 1960's

A good read is the study/paper called attachment theory by John Bowlby, and a lady called Mary Ainsworth.

Im not a psychologist so I personally can't give a view, my opinion is based on research papers I have read.

So if you want to rubbish research papers that's your choice 🙈

Me personally I don't think research is rubbish.

MyBreadIsEggy · 27/05/2016 12:37

I would go.
You would be leaving your child with her father....not abandoning her into foster care for three months.
As a pp said - you will miss her more than she will miss you!
My DH left for 6 months in Afghanistan when our DD was 3 months old. It was fine. I'm due to give birth again in November, and if plans stay as they are, DH will be deployed overseas again when the time comes.
If your DD was older, then I would probably struggle to make the decision, but at 10mo I really don't think 12 weeks away from you will be damaging in any way.

Salene · 27/05/2016 12:38

I mean at the end of the day the mother could pass away and the baby would cope , some baby's are taken from there mothers or primary care givers the result of this is stress to the baby and surely those who think it's ok can't argue with the medical known fact that stress on a baby's developing brain is not good it interferes with the electrical connection being made every minute of every day

So yes the child would cope the question is be asking myself at OP what's currently more important the 3 months away or not putting baby under stress. I'd personally pick the baby's needs, but there is no right or wrong it's your child so it's your choice.

As to how much of a effect it would have well you would never know as you have nothing to compare it too.

Lweji · 27/05/2016 12:40

So if you want to rubbish research papers that's your choice

As a, ahem, scientist, I know how to interpret research papers. And how not to overinterpret them too. :)

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 27/05/2016 12:40

I'm not saying Bowlby's was (particularly given the time, which was what, 60 years ago?), but some research really is rubbish, and academics regularly disagree with each other.

I've not read Bowlby for many years, but iirc his stuff was focused on children in quite stark institutions. This is not what we're talking about here at all.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 12:47

Peregrane some posters on this thread are talking absolute shit about things they know nothing about.

Yep.

MangoMoon · 27/05/2016 12:50

Presumably those same people feel that psychiatry itself is a bollocks profession? Or is only adults' pain worth taking into consideration? Children are not fully human?

Massive leap in assumption there.

Perhaps when making 'fact' based arguments, it may be advisable to stick with facts?

exLtEveDallas · 27/05/2016 12:52

Bowlby was focused on the mother figure as primary carer and could not imagine a world in which the father figure was just as important. His studies have been taken apart and whilst some vestiges remain, the focus is on a 'key figure' rather than a mother - as it should be.

OPs child will have a 'key figure' - father and a 'secondary figure' - grandmother. There is no reason to believe that the child will come to any harm, physically or mentally, from the absence of one parent.

Salene · 27/05/2016 12:58

But I'm assuming in this case the op (mother) currently is the primary care giver..??? Hence the issues. If this isn't the case and in fact the father is who looks after the baby then of course there won't be a issue. OP who for the first 10 months of this child's life has been the primary caregiver..?? As I think that's a important issue here.

Salene · 27/05/2016 12:59

Sorry if I have assumed wrong and soap has already confirmed father has been PCG I've haven't read every response

Salene · 27/05/2016 12:59

Soap..?? That should read op