To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Nope nope nope and no. I haven't read the whole thread but I moved from my home country 6 years ago and I had no kids and even though I'm away 6 years just because I have experienced life away from family I would advise that you don't do it.

Being away from your home, your country, all your loved ones would be hard enough but being away from your wee boy? No.

Whoops sorry, girl not boy.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom re "I ask again, can there really be only one 'primary care giver' in a child's life?

Well, yes and no! If only one person is the main carer for a child then they are the primary care giver.

If that role is shared equally between two people then they both share the role. If that role were shared equally between three then so on. I've only known personally one family where the husband and wife managed to share the care equally. Most families I know whether it is mum (in almost all cases) or dad, one person is the primary care giver.

I have tried to keep up with this thread. I am not sure anyone here has given conclusive evidence either way but I think the anecdotal evidence here is not helpful really because all children are different. So we don't know how your child will react. But we can say that some people really do not recommend this. The fact posters have said they have done this and had no harmful effects may not really be able to recommend this because they do not know you child.

I'm afraid I'd say it just is not worth the risk. And I would say that whether you were male or female.

www.lucydanielscenter.org/page/lengthy-separations-between-child-and-parent

Wouldn't you also miss baby's first birthday?

Go. You will spend the rest of your life catering to DC and struggling to build a career. Your baby will not forget you, or be cross with you for leaving at this point. Your Hubby will look after the baby with love and tender care and it will give him an unparallelled opportunity to bond with your child that few fathers get. It will benefit your child's relationship with its father no end.
You will grow your brain and career, he will grow a bond with your child.
Go!
(And Skype.)
Three months is hardly any time. Go!!

MrsSch

You were not the primary carer for your child - or if you were, there was another primary carer so you were able to leave without much disruption. We don't know if that's the case for the OP.

You also had started this arrangement from almost the very beginning of the child's life - so there was no change at the vulnerable 10 month mark.

Your DD may well be fine but the fact she can't remember anything about it means nothing.

You were coming home regularly; there was a pattern and it was part of your child's known world. She had a care giver who was at least as primary as you, it was a familiar routine and you weren't disappearing for weeks on end. Your child was never completely and, to them, irrevocably, losing their primary carer. It didn't happen.

So the concerns on this thread are quite specific and your circumstances neither prove nor disprove any reason to worry.

Just because your

No idea where the 'just because your' came from - sorry!!

restless We were asked to judge her choices, or at least respond with our thoughts.

i think this is one of those threads in which MN diverges sharply from my life experience.

I know very very very few people who have taken 3 months away for work when their children were small. Of those I know, 2 are in the military, 1 is on the oil rigs. I am struggling to find another example.

In my circle of friends and work colleagues and Dh's work colleagues and people we meet at our boat club at the summer and school parents etc., many with careers that require them to travel extensively, it would be regarded as startling if either parent - male or female - went off for 3 months in the first year of life for an opportunity that "might be helpful" to the career.

We all travel for work. I went off for 2 weeks when my dd was 8 months old (and actually - as it turns out sometimes I wonder whether that was a wise decision), travelled regularly for weeks when they were small as did DH. But I never spent 3 months without seeing them. nor did he. I would have been seriously unhappy to the point of wondering about our future if he took an opportunity that was optional that meant he was 3 months away from his children.

3 months is hardly any time! Really? it is a more than a third of this baby's life. 3 months out of sight It is not the same as spending 2-3 days travelling per week, or a week away at a conference every month or any of the other things people are saying they did. Skype means nothing to a 10 month old. 3 months is a long time.

Mangomoon has the only direct experience of this and it worked fine for her but she was doing a job that can only be done by deploying abroad. She knew this going in and built her expectations of motherhood around it.

Ultimately going might be the best decision for the OP and her family -only she knows. But I am astonished at how posters' concerns about this separation are being dismissed on here as pearl clutching and now sock puppetry. I don't know one person in real life who wouldn't think long and hard and really agonize about this decision- mother or father.

great post Can

But we can say that some people really do not recommend this. The fact posters have said they have done this and had no harmful effects may not really be able to recommend this because they do not know you child

I'm not sure that this makes sense.

Posters who haven't experienced separation are saying that it will be damaging. They have no experience, there is no conclusive evidence (anecdotal or otherwise) that it will and they haven't left their children before.

Posters that have left their children. Who have had experience are saying that it will be ok. Yes their experience is anecdotal, but at least it is experience. No they don't know OPs child, but then neither do the other posters.

Why is someone with no experience of such a situation likely to have the 'correct' answer over someone has experienced it? It makes no logical sense.

I know of two mothers who left four year olds for a similar amount of time. Both for very different reasons. One was planned and had regular contact by telephone,the other unplanned with no contact and little explanation to the child. I think both children were affected deeply, even as adults. It's not an easy thing for a child to experience, but I also think the way it's handled has a lot to do with how the child copes.

I went back to work in Stockholm when my youngest was 9 months old, only because we really needed the money.

I was gone 3 nights/4 days a week for almost a year - it was a combination of exhilaration at angst.

I think all pps understand that ideally it would be better for the OP to stay home. The OP knows this.

Clearly she has to make a choice between possible gains to her career and professional satisfaction vs personal feelings (she knows it will be hard) and effects on the child.

What was not helpful was to say she would be a bad mother and make nasty comparisons.
Horrible to say the baby would suffer serious brain damage and there would be serious consequences, with supposed scientific basis that turned out to be not quite what the pp said it showed. And further on with no evidence provided.

It's clearly a difficult decision for the OP and she needs to weigh pros and cons, not be scared off or being put down for even considering it.

OP - I've not read the 480 messages so apologies if this has been mentioned already...

I live in Asia now and am very fortunate to have a domestic helper from the Philippines. There are hundreds of thousands of these ladies in Asia helping families here. The wages in the Philippines are so low and so people like my helper work abroad and support their extended families here. My helper earns more than a doctor in the Philippines and pays for her 4 children to attend university. We pay her well and send her home for 2 long trips a year. I mention this as there has been bad press about how some people mistreat their helpers. Most of us don't we are just so grateful to have the extra help, especially when our families are on the other side of the world.

Anyway, I would suggest that you take your baby with you, use an agency and get a live-in helper for the time you are in Asia and then your baby will be well looked after by someone with potentially 20+ years of childcare experience and you will be able to see your baby in evenings and weekends. Perhaps your partner could come out for a holiday half way through your trip as three months is such a long time.

I really hope that you find the right solution for you and your family.

I haven't read the rest of the thread OP.
Only the first few posts on the first page.

My Friend has just had her daughter (15 months) come back from India after 3 months there with her grandparents. DF was the primary care giver in this situation, they skyped everyday and she has come back KNOWING who her mum is and everything went back to their normal life quite quickly.

So, your DD is not likely to NOT remember you.
DP has said he thinks it would be good for you to go too, and he has thought about the childcare side of things whilst you are away and seems to have it sussed.
If you think it's going to be really beneficial then you should go IMO.

Angie were those mothers away for particularly long periods of time? 4 year olds are capable of understanding that their primary carer still exists, even if they can't be seen. Of course they'd miss their mum, but that's not the same as developing attachment disorder and can easily be remedied by every day phone/ Skype contact. I suspect there was more going on with these children that was the cause of such a long lasting impact.

I do believe a 10mo would suffer separation anxiety initially and would not understand that if op isn't around she still exists. Op will be forgotten in those 3 months and will find it very hard when she returns. But I genuinely don't believe the effects will last until adulthood.

Easily one of the most vile and ridiculously hysterical threads I've ever seen on Mumsnet.

OP, you'll probably miss her 100 times more than she'll miss you.

I'd weigh up whether this is something that will actually benefit your career or not, and if it really will, then go for it. Just like a man would do in the exact same situation.

You can Skype every day. They can hopefully come out to you after 6 weeks. It will be fine.

I'd go.

No one would bat an eyelid if you were a man going.

Your child won't even remember.

My DSs are now 9&11. When they were young DH was away a lot in a submarine. There are very few opportunities to phone or Skype from a sub. I probably didn't speak to him on several occasions for 8+ weeks. He was away for most of the first 2 YEARS of DS1s life.

To add insult to injury I have worked FT since DS2 was a year old.

When DH met DS1 at 5 months, 7 months (we flew to Gibraltar and Singapore and Japan) he fitted in seamlessly. I remember being quite annoyed (but delighted).

Both DSs are 100% well adjusted.

There is some utter tosh on this thread and I'm so glad I didn't read such nonsense when I had young "fatherless" children. Fwiw it had a lot less impact having DH away at that stage on the boys than when they were older. It was tough on me.

Jeez. Some people here are shocked by the mere fact that a psychiatrist dared to say that extended separation would cause significant trauma to a small child, and offered that as a factor to take into account when weighing up options. Presumably those same people feel that psychiatry itself is a bollocks profession? Or is only adults' pain worth taking into consideration? Children are not fully human?

The level of callousness / self-centeredness / blithe bollox spouted by some people is astounding.

You don't need to be disinterested in having a career / the mother earth type to be concerned about the impact on the child. I am absolutely a feminist, I have worked full time since my baby was smaller than OP's, I want a career, I am all for equal parenting, and I still find it appaling that OP is considering this research trip. (Before the "babies are tougher than adults / too dumb to notice" crowd lays into me, I had another family member fully sharing the childcare with me from the get-go who took care of DC while I was at work; and it was still hard - on DC too.)

No peregrane people are shocked that a psychiatrist discussed treatment with someone suffering from mental illness who was not their patient which resulted in that person not taking up the best available treatment.

If you think those are acceptable actions of a MH professional, you clearly know few.

Are you talking about me Peregrane?

Because if you are you are quite wrong.

I am shocked that a psychiatrist, who wasn't treating a patient (so did not know all the issues involved with that patient), told a person that receiving recommended specialist treatment (recommended by the psychiatrist who was treating her) would cause "pain" to her child (which is only an opinion, not a medical fact), thereby stopping that person getting the best available treatment for her condition.

HTH

"No one would bat an eyelid if you were a man going"

A young baby needs its mum more than its dad, the bond is greater between mother and baby than baby & father.

Was just about to post exactly that Haircut.
*
Peregrane,* you came on this thread earlier citing "definite & significant trauma" for OP's child.
You then linked a flimsy piece of 'research evidence', which OhTheHugeManatee pointed out all the holes in.
You are now selectively quoting things and skewing them to fit your agenda.

Poor skills.