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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
GetAHaircutCarl · 26/05/2016 20:49

The thing is you cannot risk proof your children's mental health.

It's first world arrogance/delusion to think you can.

There are parents here on MN who have done everything 'right'. And their DC are not mentally robust. Even posters on this thread throwing around wild predictions.

TychosNose · 26/05/2016 20:57

Actually exLt she was giving a professional opinion. And she is a expert in my condition because I was suffering from psychiatric illness. She talked things through with me and would absolutely have supported me if I had decided to go away for treatment.

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/05/2016 21:02

Unless you were her patient she did not give a professional opinion.

loumom · 26/05/2016 21:02

It is too long for a little child - you will break their heart xx

exLtEveDallas · 26/05/2016 21:02

So your friend knew you were going through a psychiatric illness and yet she told you that leaving your child for expert treatment would 'cause her pain'? Despite that only being her opinion not medical fact and despite your (then) current mental health issues?

Fucking hell. I'm even more certain she deserves to be struck off now.

moreginrequired · 26/05/2016 21:02

This may have been mentioned already but why not take her with you and hire a local nanny? There were several VSO families that dos this when I lived abroad. If it is an area with a reasonable expat population a good nanny is generally quite easy to find...

Good luck I hope you find something that works

Boiing · 26/05/2016 21:05

I would not go. You can do other plenty of other things to improve your CV. Your child is too young to understand, and also 12 months is usually the peak of separation anxiety... She will be so sad and hurt. Three months is way way to long.

harshbuttrue1980 · 26/05/2016 21:06

Your baby will grieve for you, as she won't understand the rationale for you being gone. She's a BABY! She doesn't understand that "mummy has had a wonderful opportunity to make money, see the world and be self actualised". She wants kisses, cuddles and to be loved, and all she will know is that mummy is gone.
Then, like everyone who has lost someone, she'll get over you. She'll start to sleep again, and be able to get through a day without crying. Then, you'll suddenly appear again, and expect that your baby will welcome you back. She won't - she will wonder who this stranger is. Eventually you will probably gain her trust again, but if you make a habit of abandoning her, she'll just give up and realise that you aren't someone she can rely on.
Didn't you expect to have to make sacrifices when you became a parent?? To do this would be unbelievably selfish. Do you care more about having an adventure, or about your daughter's mental wellbeing?

Fpmd1710 · 26/05/2016 21:09

I don't see how anybody could consider you a bad parent for taking this opportunity. Your DH might not do everything the way you prefer but as long as your DC is cared for safely and will be happy enough with DH and DMIL then it shouldn't be too big a deal that things aren't done exactly to your spec for just 3 months. I think the biggest issue you have is more about how you will cope without DC for those few months, if you think you can get through them without your missing DC affecting your work over there then I'd say go for it. It may after all boost your career and earning prospects in the future and it also seems like an incredible opportunity for you that you will likely regret missing out on in later years

KindDogsTail · 26/05/2016 21:14

MrsSchaden
. She was very ably cared for by her father and our fantastic nanny
I am not sure but I think from what you say your daughter had had the nanny almost from the start, so your daughter would have known her very well and consistently, plus you say she was fantastic.

If the Op's daughter has been left with her grandmother (fantastic?) from her earliest months as frequently as your daughter was left with her nanny from hers, and if she were not sent to a nursery on top of her mother leaving, and if her mother was going for 2-3days at a time instead of for 3 mths in a block, then the Op's baby would be in a comparable position to the one your daughter was in when she was young.

From the information given it does not sound as though the OP's baby would be though.

flowermother · 26/05/2016 21:15

I honestly don't believe that anyone on this thread can possibly answer or reassure you about this because none of us are qualified to be able to tell you if leaving your baby for 3 months is the right thing to do.

I would try to find another way of achieving your goals.

greeningthedesert · 26/05/2016 21:18

People all over the world do this, because they have no choice. Often it works out fine. Maybe even mostly. But, it doesn't always. The posters who have written about potential attachment problems are right. Afterwards the baby will probably not recognize you or want to recognize you for a while. He or she might become very clingy. You'll find yourself wondering whether any difficulties you see are because of the separation or unrelated. I know I wouldn't do it, but you need to look up stuff on attachment and separation and make up your own minds. Good luck either way.

NewLife4Me · 26/05/2016 21:29

OP, I totally agree with greening

I know of many people who have experienced problems throughout their life because of separation, it hasn't ruined their lives but it does creep up every now and then.

I don't think you're a bad mum, even though there's no way I would do it myself, irrespective of differences, please educate yourself before deciding either way.

LemurintheSun · 26/05/2016 21:34

A friend at work and her husband left their 18 month old for a long week away, with (I think, from memory) her parents. When they got back, the child had completely stopped speaking, which lasted for quite a while, causing them huge stress. My point is, the unexplained loss of a parent can be devastating for a baby. And there is no way you can explain. I wouldn't take the risk, personally.

GibbousHologram · 26/05/2016 21:44

I'm a bit Hmm at all the posters saying baby will be fine but OP will miss baby too much.

Is that because the baby has other, more important things to think on?

RaskolnikovsGarret · 26/05/2016 21:49

The references to brain damage and Baby P are just appalling. I have been truly shocked by much of this thread. OP, I hope you have been able to consider the more measured views on both sides and are able to make a decision as to what is best for your family. And I maintain that DD's frontal lobes will remain unscathed, as will those of our forces' offspring. Disgusting some of the comments today.

masterchef98 · 26/05/2016 22:03

On a practical level, my ds2 is nearly 3 and I use water and cotton wool every morning and bath every night (in the baby bath when his brother doesn't join in with his knees up to his chin but it gets him clean and only takes a couple of minutes longer than changing with wipes), I use wipes during the day. You could batch cook a few meals split into daddy and baby portions so you knew they had good food a couple of days a week at least while you were away. I really wanted a year off with ds2 like I had with ds1 but could only have 9 months before I lost my job - putting him into nursery at that age was absolutely not the heartache I thought, he loves it there, eats, plays really well and is really happy. Your baby is not being abandoned but being left with loving father and family. If everyone is happy with this I don't see it as a massive problem.

JiffyLemon · 26/05/2016 22:16

OP the child was two. Didn't mean to sound so harsh towards you, it just bought back the memories of how it effected her (the mother went to prison for shoplifting, so perhaps different circumstances I know) do what you feel is right.

AldrinJustice · 26/05/2016 22:19

In 3 months your child will have changed so much...could you be ok with not being a part of those changes?

growler20 · 26/05/2016 22:20

Go - and enjoy yourself. Service men and women do it all the time and lots of other jobs involve long periods away from home. Your child is being looked after by someone you trust - and for those of you who refer to "main care giver" stfu. You bleat about equality and all that crap and then all of a sudden lo and behold the woman is more important in a baby's life than a man - get over yourselves
C.A.T.P. time

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 26/05/2016 22:37

There are a fair few knitters of puppets on this thread, I reckon 🌵

GetAHaircutCarl · 26/05/2016 22:39

Indeed.

First time posters joined solely to tell OP she will damage her DC.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/05/2016 22:42

You want to do it, you have the support of your daughters father and grandmother in doing it. As has been suggested, perhaps make steps before leaving to ease your daughter in to the new routine, of you not being primary caregiver. Be prepared that she might not be as excited to see you as you are to see her when you first arrive home, know that this will change with time.

Personally, no I wouldn't do it, my daughter is 11 months old so I'm not talking "in the absract, what I remember feeling years ago". But I have been slowly coming to terms with the fact I am not an ambitious person. I want to have a job which earns me enough money that my family can live comfortably. I don't care about having a career per se. So I'm doing my own thing to realise my own personal aims. Which does involve a fair bit of work, when I say not ambitious I don't mean lazy.

So I'd say we're at opposite ends of the spectrum. And that's fine, everyone is different. I don't judge you for your aims, for doing what you believe will be best for your family in the long term. I'm doing just the same after all.

The decision is entirely yours and certainly you will have seen a very wide cross section of opinion. I am curious as to how you're feeling about the placement now?

MangoMoon · 26/05/2016 22:55

And that's fine, everyone is different. I don't judge you for your aims, for doing what you believe will be best for your family in the long term. I'm doing just the same after all.

Brilliant post Alis, the sentence above especially. It is exactly what we are all trying to do. Smile

RestlessTraveller · 26/05/2016 23:34

The level of hysteria on this thread is actually quite frightening as is the ease at which women will judge other women's choices