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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
NewLife4Me · 26/05/2016 19:57

gone

I know where you are coming from. Even as a small baby separation can follow you through life and have a huge impact on your life.
Even in the 60's they knew this, it's like we are going backwards.

flowermother · 26/05/2016 20:01

Not bollocks at all. There is lots of evidence to suggest that separation at such s young age is detrimental to a young child.

Nuttypops · 26/05/2016 20:01

If you think you can manage to be away from her for 3 months, and DH will manage ok, I think it is worth considering. Personally I wouldn't have been comfortable leaving DD at 10 months for that long as I don't think it would be fair on DH. He spends a huge amount of time away with work and I find it very hard having DD (18 months), day in, day out by myself when he is away but we don't have family around to help so maybe that's why.

Is there any option of shorter research opportunities?

Lweji · 26/05/2016 20:03

There is lots of evidence to suggest that separation at such s young age is detrimental to a young child.

See the discussion about evidence earlier in the thread.
Do you have new irrefutable evidence you'd like to present?

exLtEveDallas · 26/05/2016 20:05

There is lots of evidence to suggest that separation at such s young age is detrimental to a young child

No there isn't.

FFS doesn't anyone RTFT these days?

maggiethemagpie · 26/05/2016 20:09

Babies like routine and like stability. I think anything which disrupts this has the potential to affect their long term psychosocial development. Not definitely, but potentially.

Personally I just wouldn't risk it.

Plus I'd miss my baby so much that it would make me miserable.

MummyBex1985 · 26/05/2016 20:09

To answer your question, yes, I would think you were a bad mother to leave your baby for three months.

Sorry.

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/05/2016 20:10

There is so much bollocks spoken on this thread it is untrue. When DD1 was very small - from 16 weeks to about three, I was working 2-3 days a week in another country. She was very ably cared for by her father and our fantastic nanny. Throughout my career, I've had to travel a lot, and often work long hours. DD1 is now 17, and I asked her the other day if she ever felt scarred or shortchanged by my career. She thought for a bit, and said a) she didn't remember me not being there when she was a baby and b) throughout her school years, I was always there for the important stuff. So no, they are not scarred, the OP's child won't remember this separation, and she should just go ahead and do it.

MrsSchadenfreude · 26/05/2016 20:13

And frankly, MummyBex, I wouldn't give a flying fuck what anyone else thought. Any more than I would judge anyone who didn't work, sat on their arse on their sofa all day knitting. If it works for you, and makes you a better person and more capable parent, then do what you think.

ManonLescaut · 26/05/2016 20:13

There's no such thing as 'irrefutable evidence' in a case like this on either side.

It's not something that's really possible to quantify scientifcally let alone 'prove'.

One study indicates this, one study indicates that, professionals give their opinions, parents and children give their experiences.

You can only really go on your personal feeling.

I wouldn't leave a baby for 3 months because I think it would potentially be traumatic for the baby.

But I can't prove it.

TychosNose · 26/05/2016 20:14

Idk about long term effects but in response to pp talking about mothers having to be hospitalised- when ds was 10 months I became extremely ill and was given the option of specialist treatment about 100 miles away from where I live. I would have to leave both ds and a 4yo dd with dh for weeks. I talked it through with a psychiatrist friend. She said to me do not underestimate the extreme stress ds would go through. He would grieve for me as if I had died. She said dh would be under immense strain looking after ds and dd in their pain. She didn't say don't go, just be aware how awful it would be for ds. I decided not to go in the end. To put this in context, I was by far primary caregiver. Ds was breastfed and coslept and we had never been apart. He was not particularly attached to dh at that time. Op's situation may well be very different.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 20:16

There's no such thing as 'irrefutable evidence' in a case like this on either side.

That was the point, but some people seem to think that the baby will inevitably be damaged. And that there is published evidence to demonstrate it.

maggiethemagpie · 26/05/2016 20:16

Exactly Manon, it's a risk isn't it and everyone has to weigh up for themselves whether a risk is worth taking.

Even if there was a 1% chance it could affect my child I wouldn't risk it. Their wellbeing would just be too important to me.

madein1995 · 26/05/2016 20:17

Personally I would judge. It's not a feminism thing because I would judge a manr doing the Same thing. If you don't have an option then it's a different thing but yep I would judge a parent in this situation. Ultimately though dc will be fine looked after by dad. but you will miss them a hell of a lot and they would miss you. I personally wouldn't

OTheHugeManatee · 26/05/2016 20:18

Tychos - are you saying a psychiatrist friend actually talked you out of having important medical treatment because it would cause your children 'pain'? I find that pretty shocking tbh Shock

MangoMoon · 26/05/2016 20:18

*To answer your question, yes, I would think you were a bad mother to leave your baby for three months.

Sorry.*

Sigh.

exLtEveDallas · 26/05/2016 20:20

I talked it through with a psychiatrist friend

I do hope they've since been struck off

TychosNose · 26/05/2016 20:23

I think, from my discussions with my psychiatrist friend, that there is no doubt that a 10mo separated from their primary care giver for an extended period will experience some emotional trauma. Whether that causes longer term damage is impossible to predict. I agree with pp that only op can decide whether it's worth it. I couldn't do it but I'm a sahm who couldn't give a crap about having a career and struggles to leave my 5yo at school for the day because I miss her so much so I'm hardly one to listen to!

SeriousCreativeBlock · 26/05/2016 20:24

Just want to add in here that I had to do this as part of my degree, albeit in Italy so a lot closer. It didn't affect DD badly at all, and I was able to have her and DP over to visit for 2 weeks, and I popped back to England twice while it was in progress.

Do what you need to do to succeed.

TychosNose · 26/05/2016 20:27

No she hasn't been struck off. Why would she be? She's a very prominent perinatal psychiatrist. She believes in educating people so they can make informed decisions. She didn't talk me out of treatment at all. I did have treatment, just not the best available because I weighed up the benefits against the costs to my family.

TychosNose · 26/05/2016 20:29

othm
Why is pain in inverted commas? Don't you believe in it?

Lweji · 26/05/2016 20:32

Even if there was a 1% chance it could affect my child

Do you calculate what the risks are for anything you do to your child or let them do?

Will you ever let them go anywhere on their own if there's a 1% chance they might be affected in any way?
What are the risks of them being injured while riding a bike? Will you prevent them from doing it?

exLtEveDallas · 26/05/2016 20:36

Because there is no evidence that what she said is actually true. Because she is NOT a specialist in whatever illness/injury you had and should not have used unsubstantiated claims to make you go without treatment that may well have been the best for you.

She shouldn't be using her personal opinions, especially when they may well hinder other people's medical needs.

BrainSurgeon · 26/05/2016 20:41

I would look at 2 things if I was in your shoes OP:

  • what is the real, objective likelihood that you get this kind of research opportunity at a later point in your career, when you might be better prepared for it
  • can you slowly transition form being the primary care giver to sharing with DP/MIL before you go away, to minimize the effect on DD?
BrainSurgeon · 26/05/2016 20:41

Sorry I mean transition from (not form)

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