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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

666 replies

Littleworrier1 · 25/05/2016 20:46

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/05/2016 11:05

If it was a nailed on certainty that it would have a significantly positive impact on your employment prospects, then that's one thing, but OP, at best you say you 'hope it looks good on my CV.'

Whichever way you look at it, it's making a decision to miss a large chunk of blink-and-you-miss-it babyhood, and you don't really know whether it will benefit anyone.

But you do sound as though you'll probably do it, so good luck and I hope it works out.

minipie · 26/05/2016 11:07

I wouldn't think you were a bad mother, no.

I don't think I could do it myself - but that's for selfish reasons. First, I think I'd miss the baby too much (10 months is when they start to get interesting IMO!). Second, I would be upset when the baby didn't know me - or didn't feel as close to me - when I came back. Third, I'd be worried that I wouldn't feel the same way about the baby after 3 months away from her, as she'd have changed so much and be less familiar to me iyswim. But all of these are things that would affect me, not the baby. And these things may not apply to you - you know your emotions best.

If you are going to do it, I would suggest that you start putting the new regime in place a month or so before you go - so main carer gradually becomes DP and MIL and you start getting DD used to nursery. That way it's not such a sudden change for your DD.

kohl · 26/05/2016 11:13

I don't think it would make you a bad mother at all.
However you would need to be prepared for the fact that your baby would shift her main attachment to your husband/your MIL, and it would take a lot of patient work on your part to be received as a main attachment figure again.
I know I couldn't do it, but I certainly wouldn't judge someone who did, as long as they set up a system where the baby could attach strongly to one or two other care givers, as you are doing.
It's a difficult decision, and either one is a good decision, but both will have consequences-I guess you need to work out which consequences matter more-which can only be your decision. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 11:24

Far from impressing the interviewer at a job application, she found herself being questioned about how she could have left her young child to do this,

The prospective employer shouldn't have known about the child in the first place. That sort of questioning is illegal.

RestlessTraveller · 26/05/2016 11:35

I agree with other posters who say you've asked in the wrong place. The sheer nature of this site means that you're not going to get unbiased answers.

I disagree with the poster who said that a bloke asking the same thing would get his arsed handed to him. I think the exact opposite and that people would say 'as long as there's a caring mother at home then go'

Your DD will be at home with her PARENT, 'mum' or 'dad' doesn't matter, she has a loving parent.

Whilst attachment theory is fact, I work with children who suffer from poor attachment on a daily basis, managed well I don't think she'll come to any harm.

That's a very long winded way of saying I'd go in a heartbeat.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 26/05/2016 11:45

The prospective employer shouldn't have known about the child in the first place. That sort of questioning is illegal

My friend discussed it openly as she was hoping to show her commitment and willingness to make sacrifices etc. Totally backfired for her on that occasion, but didn't damage her long term employability!

IslaSinga · 26/05/2016 11:48

Personally, I couldn't go away for 3 months and leave my baby (or any of my children) behind. I would miss them and worry about them constantly. That's how I would feel and I would be surprised to hear of another mother who was doing this (as I couldn't ever imagine being comfortable with it myself), but I wouldn't think of it as bad parenting.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 11:50

In general it's not a good idea to bring up marital status or children, as it opens the candidates to discrimination. Although if interviewers want they can ask questions that lead to involuntary reveals.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 26/05/2016 11:52

When my DD was this age, dp was her primary carer. She had family around her but he was main figure. There is no doubt in my mind that it would have had a negative impact on her if she had lost him then. As it happened, he returned to working long hours at that stage and two days later she stopped sleeping. She had slept perfectly to that point. But she'd realised that he would still come to her in the night, even though he couldn't during the day. The fact that his absence had affected her so deeply that she would wake up to get a glimpse of him suggests to me that a child sees their primary carer as their world. She had mummy and granny but it was her dad who made her feel safe. She was withdrawn all day everyday for a long time and was clearly holding out for his return at the end of the day. I think it completely depends on the child and the emotional significance of other carers. In our case, it would have rocked dd's world to a degree that I'd find unacceptable if there was any way to avoid it. Three years on, she still needs to check where he is and when he'll be back, and is panic stricken if she can't find him. She can't remember it and I don't know for sure if it's affected her, but it was certainly very difficult for her at the time.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 11:58

The key is how to prepare your stay and handle the return.

A slow transition to new carers and increasing presence and relevance of the dad and the other carers should soften you leaving.

H0LDTHED00R · 26/05/2016 12:04

I think if you can cope than do it. I imagine it'll be really hard at first but then the time should fly by. 3 months isn't very very long. And if it makes you a better (more employable) person it means in the long run it'll be good for your whole family.

GoblinLittleOwl · 26/05/2016 12:15

Does your research have to be so far away, and for so long?
Your baby will be looked after perfectly well, but three months without either of you seeing each other is a big chunk out of your relationship that can't be replaced.

Original poster
Littleworrier1 · 26/05/2016 12:22

GoblinLittleOwl yes, it is a fixed term of three months in a developing country that I cannot amend due to the fact I get scholarship for it.

OP posts:
albertcampionscat · 26/05/2016 12:40

The baby's staying with its dad ffs. From half the posts here you'd figure she was suggesting hiring some random from the internet.

PhylumChordata · 26/05/2016 12:51

I couldn't.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/05/2016 12:55

Is there real evidence that a child would be permanently damaged because in this situation? Where she is cared for by familiar people who love her?

No. There isn't. What there is, is a set of studies of infant attachment that have been seized upon in popular understanding as a nicely sciency and therefore authoritative way of justifying the age-old pressure on women to sacrifice everything for their children, even though this is not actually justified by the studies themselves. It's new money for very, very old rope Hmm

HackerFucker22 · 26/05/2016 12:56

How would this thread be answered if the question was

"my DH wants to go away for 3 months to undertake a placement that may or may not help his career prospects and leave myself and our 9 month old"

I don't think its normal for any parent to want to leave their young child for such a long period? Sorry but that is just me. I don't think I could do it until my kids were adults if I could help it.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 12:57

Clearly, it's not easy for the OP, or she wouldn't be asking about it here.
But, sometimes, we do have to make tough choices.

IslaSinga · 26/05/2016 13:00

The fact is - some of us would do this and some of us wouldn't. It doesn't really matter. You have to decide for yourself if you are happy to and then make the decision.

Believeitornot · 26/05/2016 13:01

I wouldn't.

Leaving your baby for three months who may then not really recognise you when you come back.....

ExConstance · 26/05/2016 13:02

Please go, it sounds like a wonderful opportunity and your little one will be fine with your partner. There are lots of jobs, including armed forces where this sort of separation is just par for the course. I have two sons and would have gone if I had had that sort of opportunity when they were young - and y husband would have encouraged me as he is very supportive in that sort of way.

SapphireStrange · 26/05/2016 13:03

I don't think I could do it until my kids were adults if I could help it.

Honestly?!?!?

BeALert · 26/05/2016 13:03

When DH had to go away for work for 3 months my children were 1, 3 and 5. The 5 year old struggled with him being gone. The 1 year old was fine.

Believeitornot · 26/05/2016 13:10

The bit that gets me is that this might improve your chances of getting a job and it is not compulsory. So it is hardly a no brainer. Hence why I wouldn't do it.

I've got two DCs and had to suck up the fact that my career has paused slightly. Now they're older I can invest a bit more time in my job.

NickyEds · 26/05/2016 13:13

Sapphire I'm not sure I would be away from my children for 3 months until they were adults, or at least much older teenagers either. Maybe that's because they're still little but I don't think it's a very unusual stance. No way would I be leaving my 10 month old. It would have to be literally life and death.