To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Personally I wouldn't have left my children when they were 10 months old for that long. A few days to a week would probably be OK, but three months is a long time for a child of any age. I would have missed them too much and worried that they wouldn't have recognised me or rejected me when I got back. Some people may have no choice, for example if they are in the army, but if it is not essential then I would not go, frustrating as this might be career-wise.

Go. 3 months is really not that longz

I am saying that statistically it won't be fine.
What are the published data on the effect of a mother leaving a child for 3 months with a father?
Or whatever is similar. Rather than taking your word for it, it would be interesting to have some hard evidence.

Do the thousands of children adopted as babies grow up with attachment disorders? No, their new parents are given professional advice on how to overcome it and work hard at establishing a relationship. My nephews were much older when they were adopted by dsis and have developed strong and secure attachment. Any issues they do have are a result of their neglect in their early years, but even those are diminishing as the months pass. Honestly, it is not going to cause irreparable damage to the op's dd, providing she returns and works hard at re-establishing a secure attachment. But op does need to understand that she'll have to work hard when she returns and may find it emotionally very difficult.

Could you defer to next year's placement?

LittleLion if the damage has been done to the frontal lobes it's done you can't undo brain damage.
Not all children develop attachment disorders at all or of the same severity.

If you want to go, and the only thing concerning you is what others will think or just missing your child, then go. Just because you are a mother, it doesn't mean your life must stop. What a shame you can't all go together as first planned (are you sure there's no way you can do this?) I think you will regret it if you don't go, and 3 months really isn't that long.

But presumably we'd witness a higher incidence of attachment disorders in adult adopted children AndNow than non adopted ones? Where is that evidence?

DH worked away all week when youngest was under 2 - she was always a bit off and just getting used to him. She was the child who was fine with approaching GP she hadn't seen for a while - other two upset GP by treating them as strangers.

She coped better when she started nursery - seemed to make more sense. I seriously doubt Skype will keep any bond going though other children may be different to mine and my friends who found themselves in similar situations.

I don't think it will long term affect the baby.

I suspect OP may well find she gets more upset than she expected about how baby reacts to her coming back and it taking time to rebuild the bond. DH was more upset than he expected. She may find it takes a while to readjust - after all GM and Dad will now be the expects on the child.

It just a judgement call on whether the opportunity is worth it all really.

Go if you want to and it will do your CV/career good.

No one would really question a man with a baby going away for three months. It's just a double standard.

Ignore those on here judging and trying to scare you.

Twelve weeks apart is unlikely to cause irreparable damage. How many fathers do exactly the same? My dad was away for months at a time when I was a child, but my mother was always there and we were all fine. There is no special mother-magic, a father can be just as good a caregiver.

You want to give yourself the best possible chance so that you can give your child the best possible future. that's an admirable goal and is not at all selfish.

Presumably you would be able to use Skype or Facetime or similar to maintain regular contact? And since your child has loving family members to help out, I'm sure it will probably be harder on you than on the child.

No one would really question a man with a baby going away for three months. It's just a double standard.

Nope. It's all about who is the primary attachment figure. Who is usually mum. (In the uk, in 2016 if that needs saying.)

Will you be called a bad mother? - yes you will
Will your child forget you? - yes they will

Does this mean you should not do it? - No it doesn't

You need to ask yourself if this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, that will enhance your life enough to put up with the crap you will get.

Your relationship with your child will only be temporarily disrupted. Many mothers in other countries do this all the time. Olympic athletes who are parents will do this as will film stars and even the Queen left her children for nearly a year just after she was crowned. Mothers in prison, hospital I could go on listing the reasons children are left.

As long as your daughter is well cared for there is no issue in my book.

Gibbous, if you take attachment theory as gospel you could believe that, yes.

I'm sorry but AD is statistically unlikely to develop in a child being cared for by a responsive parent, be they mother or father.

No professional would state it as likely outcome!

So much misunderstanding of attachment here.

Preoccupied or avoidant attachment is not a 'disorder'. Both these might be sub-optimal, but both are well within the range of normal and functional. An attachment disorder - a chaotic attachment style - results from frightened or frightening caregiving, such as violence, severe MH problems in the caregiver, or severe neglect. None of these are what's being proposed here.

It's also worth pointing out that a preoccupied or avoidant attachment style is predicted most strongly by the caregiver's own attachment style, and is perfectly possible to transmit even while stapling yourself permanently to your baby 'because that will give her secure attachment'.

I'm a professional in the field of MH. I'm genuinely horrified by some of the posts I've seen on this thread, which seem to have misconstrued good science so badly and to be using this misunderstanding as 'authority' to push a needlessly restrictive and moralising view of 'proper' maternal behaviour.

My mum went into hospital for several months when I was about this age.

This being a long time ago, it wasn't done to bring me in to see her. I was taken care of by my Dad and his Mum. I was quite happy.

I forgot she existed, sorry. When she came home I had to get to know her all over again. It must have been horrendous for her to see that.

BUT! She spent a lot of time playing with me and it probably didn't take more than a week or so for me to decide she was nice and I liked her.

It didn't affect our long term relationship in any way and we were always the best of pals. I was a bit of a Daddy's girl but that's all.

So I will say that it'll be infinitely tougher on you than your child. My mum found it traumatic on her return and the bond was gone. Poor thing. But it does return in time. None of it was traumatic for ME. I was too young to miss her so was fine.

An old friend went to research/work in Mongolia years ago as part of her studies. She went for five months I think.

Far from impressing the interviewer at a job application, she found herself being questioned about how she could have left her young child to do this, and therefore wasn't suitable for the role as she probably had a swinging rock for a heart (paraphrasing here, it was a while ago).

Hopefully that wouldn't happen to the OP!

I wouldn't do it, but we're all different.

Another thank you to OTHM.

And actually all this discussion of AD in circumstances in such as these is really disrespectful to the children suffering with the effects of AD and their care givers.

I don't think it's a very good idea, sorry.

I think a child that age would find it really upsetting / damaging. I know that practically speaking it could benefit your family by improving your career prospects but I think that at this stage your sons immediate needs have to take priority. You can't explain to a 10 month old why / when you are going or when you will be back. He will be forever be wondering if your just randomly going to take off!

It does sound like a frustrating situation to be in though.

I confess to not having read absolutely all the posts on this issue but I'd say go. If your partner is ready and willing to take on looking after your baby he is obviously confident and happy to do it. I'm guessing that he in already closely involved in looking after your daughter otherwise I doubt that this would be the case.

So it is hardly a case of imposing a new and unknown carer on her, just much more of her Daddy than usual. I'm sure she will be happy to see you back but I don't see this being an issue even in the short term. In fact she might be a bit bored by just being with you when you return after the stimulation of daily nursery and care from your MIL!
It would be a shame to miss this opportunity which you might not be able to take up later. I'm guessing that your later career may well involve a lot of overseas travel and extended trips so it will become routine for her that you will sometimes be away and sometimes not.
I have a good friend who followed your career path some years ago and, as well as their father taking a very active role, her childcare was varied: nursery, an excellent child-minder, school holiday clubs, grandparents, days with other families. Her children (now adults) have always been confident, well-balanced and happy - and she is a balanced and happy adult too with the fulfilling career she had always hoped for.

grandma, did you read any of the other opinions expressed here before you posted?

Thank you, Manatee, for your informed posts.

Thank you all again for sharing your views. We can't go the three of us and I can't get a loan to come back in between. I also can't postpone with a year.

Indeed, I think it is a double standard and a father might not even have a second thought whether to go or not, but that would be for the mother being the prime carer in most cases.

AndNowItsSeven - I haven't ignored any of the comments here and I don't think I'm looking for validation, rather scanning different points of views. You said it would be better if DC is older. But I think when a child is older he or she would have the conscious to miss a parent and maybe even think the parent had abandoned them, etc. How is that a younger child is more prone to separation anxiety, if I got you correctly?

It depends on how much it would help your CV and future job prospects. If it really helped, then I'd consider it. If it was just a possibility but really didn't make much of a difference, then I wouldn't bother. Not only is it time away, but it's also extra money to find.

I don't think this is the best place to get fully objective answers, though. Personally, I look at it from the view that DH and I were military. If we'd had kids while still in, we'd spend time away. I have a lot of friends who are military, and there's been no adverse affects on their relationships with their children. That is partially due to the other parent, who is fully supportive and makes sure they can skype/facetime whenever possible. They can be away for 6+ months at a time, but are able to make it work.

We're also going to be split for a month or two at a time over the next 12-18 months because of personal reasons. Technology is available to make sure we all stay in touch and nobody forgets anybody. We have an almost 4yo and I could see the split being harder on her than a 10mo, IMHO.

Depends on how old - at 3 my child started to have a grasp on time frames by 6 and I think before the can look forward and count down to events. The certainly have more of an understanding about outside world.

I honestly think the impact is going to be on you - you won't be known, you won't initially be the person turned to for comfort, people round you will be more knowledgeable about the baby preferences and routines - all of which can be overcome with effort and time.

I'm surprised so many are suggest Skype - it's certainly better than nothing but for a 10 month old I'd be surprised if if helped keep the bond going on babies side - certainly didn't with my toddler.

Also as the mother yes sadly you will probably be judged by outside people where a Dad, most of who would also worried and concerned and think very hard about leaving such a young baby for so long, wouldn't.