To go away for 3 months and leave DC with dad

[Littleworrier1]

I's a student and need to graduate by end of the year. As part of my studies I have the option of doing a research in Asia for three months. Me and DP were planning to go together and bring DC (10 months old) with us but we won't make it for financial reasons. The research is not compulsory but will look good on my CV, hence increase my chances of finding a job (at least I hope so). DP thinks I should go. He wants to put DC to nursery for few hours a day and MIL would have DC the rest of the time while he comes back from work.

I'm not sure whether to leave DC for three whole months and miss her dearly, or go do something that might help us in future. I know DP will look after DC ok but I doubt he will be as dedicated as me - like I always cook fresh food, use water rather than wet wipes when changing nappies, bath every night, etc.

Would you say someone is a bad mother if they go away for three months if they had the chance not to?

Honestly? I think it's selfish.

(But not as selfish as the person I know who has seen her 8yo DC once in 2 years as she wanted to travel...)

Nicky, not leaving them until adult or later teens seems a bit extreme.

This is a classic 'why women can't have it all' example.

When I had DCs my career flatlined. Once they were older and went to school, I was able to revive it again.

When you have DCs I think it's inevitable that your career will suffer. UNLESS you're willing to sacrifice your time with them. Something always has to give to make room for the other thing. It just depends what you want to/have to prioritise.

Only you know OP whether you're able to make such a big sacrifice. And 3 months away from a baby that young is a huge sacrifice IMO.

I wouldn't have been able to do it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Just weigh up whether it's worth it for something as vague as a bit of unpaid experience to go on your CV. It's a high price to pay I think.

Up to you though.

Personally, I couldn't do it.

Not seeing my baby for 3 months would be too long, they change so much at that stage.

My DH works away for a month at a time but that's part of his job and allows us a great lifestyle but I know how much he struggles with being away from the DC.

Would like to add though I don't think it makes you a bad mother if you do it but the I use wipes and don't always cook from scratch so I'm maybe not a good judge

I couldn't do it because I'd always wonder if it would give my child psychological problems. They won't understand why you've gone away, they will just feel abandoned. This can have massive ramifications later in life in terms of relationships, self identity, self esteem etc.

Is that really worth doing for your career?

I'm going to be honest here, I wouldn't say it makes you a bad mother, but - well, I certainly think you'd be a much better mother if you didn't do it.

I wouldn't say it makes you a bad mother, but - well, I certainly think you'd be a much better mother if you didn't do it.

How is that NOT saying it makes her a bad mother? Just say it if you want to say it.

I certainly think you'd be a much better mother if you didn't do it.

I think that you'd be exactly the same sort of mother if you went as if you didn't.

It's not on the same level as baby P Sapphire but IMHO its not a great thing for a mother to do to a baby. Or a father for that matter.

It's not on the same level as baby P
OMFG
Why would you even think of baby P in this context?

Op if your child is old enough to miss you and understand why you are gone how long etc that is much better for her.

Yep, only shit parents make sacrifices in the early days in order to make better provision for their children in the future

That wasn't aimed at Brexit btw, who makes a rational argument.

It's not on the same level as baby P

You're absolutely right Maggie.
It's not.
Not one bit.
Baffled as to why you'd make that comparison tbh.

YABU. Maybe if it was a once-in-a-lifetime, guaranteed leap ahead, with massive tangible benefits that would mean you could now put a safe roof over your child's head instead of living with druggies. And frankly I really doubt that a research trip in Asia will make or break your job prospects (if you don't believe a random stranger on the net, ask around widely in your department and their alumnus database. People will be willing to talk to you).

If it's just for looking good on your CV, which you hope would increase your chances at a job, vs definite and significant trauma for your baby - no matter how well your MIL would be looking after her with DP's help...

You worry about "missing her dearly" and that her bum will not be wiped as softly. You should be worrying about her emotional well-being as your number one concern and that would be very significantly compromised.

Sorry I wouldn't do this. It's not absolutely necessary, your child is so young and needs you as the mum to be around during these very important developmental years. 3 months is too long.

It is normal to feel around this time a need to 'escape' motherhood but that will pass and you will regret your decision.

definite and significant trauma for your baby

Can we have some proof of that very definite claim?

I think what it boils down to is whose needs the OP thinks are more important in this situation - her's or her baby's.

I did lots of impressive looking internships and overseas research back in the day, and frankly I don't think they made a blind bit of difference to my getting hired - I got good jobs based on my actual degree, my applications tailored to job openings, my level of articulateness etc. My peers who didn't do fancy research trips did as well as those who went abroad (everything else equal). You will still get your degree without this trip, right? (Can you do research that doesn't involve travelling (where you can't afford to take your family)?)

Oh, that's really nasty, maggie.

Sapphire fair call, I could dump some links now for easy reading but for a more reasoned case I would need to come back when I have more time to put it together. Unless you'd find the link dump without the addition of caveats etc more reasonable.

Why is it nasty, it's just an opinion.

Whatever suits you, Peregrane.

Link dump is fine.