AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

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So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

Hot drink...
He didn't drink hot drinks apparently... I kinda got the feeling he was taking the mick and left him to it.
A few weeks later he was in the papers after someone followed him back to the back of the stores where he got into a silver Mercedes and drove off!!!!

Just to clear up - he WAS begging. He said to every passing person 'Spare change?'

yabu
he is a person

yes and a rude and entitled one by the sounds of things. The OP offered him food. If he didn't want it or need it he could have just graciously declined. She clearly didn't want to give him money or she'd have done that in the first place. For him to demand money instead of food was grabby and ungrateful.

When I lived in another part of London there used to be this homeless guy at the station all the time. He looked very unwell and it was clear that he was an addict. I used to buy him various food and drink when I went to the shop to pick some stuff up on the way from work.
He was always so grateful. I wanted to help him but it was clear what any cash donation would be spent on. Then he started looking worse and worse everyday and one day he wasn't there anymore. I often wondered what happened to him :(
This is why I don't give cash and why I though this homeless man would appreciate some food.

It was bloody rude. Yes, he doesn't have to 'want every food he is offered', etc.

However, there's no problem saying 'I'm fine, but thank you anyway'... I can't get over how many people are pretending that it wouldn't piss them off!

Most likely he wasn't even homeless, as pointed out several times in the thread.

"I have had to rewrite this response so many times that the thread is probably on page 5 by now with all this already said.

Because someone is homeless and begging for money does not oblige them to accept food you want to give them.

Because someone does not want food does not mean that anything is being thrown in your face. Perhaps he needed soap, loo roll, a toothbrush, paracetamol, a bus ticket, socks, etc. Perhaps his dietary requirements are such that the food you wanted to give him is not suitable. Perhaps he feels offended by the implication that as a homeless person who is begging he cannot be trusted to use any money he gets to buy his own choice of food.

If you are willing and able to give to someone in need then that's great. It's a nice thing to do. I'm sure your initial offer came from a place of kindness. But if someone does not want what you wish to give, then you should not get offended and criticise their lack of gratitude. It's not about your needs (to feel like you helped, to able to congratulate yourself for Doing Good) but theirs, surely?

I'm sure you're very nice. To have even wanted to offer help suggests that. But this post makes it look as though you're nice to the homeless and destitute as long as they know their place and respond to any offer you make in a way that you approve of and which helps boost your self image. It's fine not to give money. I totally get why people choose not to. You're under no obligation to do it and many people (such as the Big Issue founder) argue against doing it. What is not fine is this sort of "they should be grateful for and take whatever I want to give whether they need it or not" approach. It's belittling and petty."

Totally agree with alltouchedout

Also, to the person who suggested "it probably would have gone down better to approach him first and ask him to come with you to the shop to pick something and you'd pay" ... Um. Are you really saying you'd invite a random man you'd never met to come on a nice little stroll with you to the shop, wander about, stand in the queue making awkward chit-chat, then give him his treats and send him on his merry way - really? You would really do that, or think anyone else would? Come on!

My DP is a policeman and he commutes to work with lots of "homeless" people from our nice just-outside-the-city suburbs in the mornings on their way into town on the train (and they all buy travel tickets). And then he sees them sitting in town pretending to be homeless

There was a young homeless guy sleeping rough outside dh's work. We had some camping stuff so dh took a warm jacket and a sleeping bag into work with him and gave them to the guy. But he never seen him using them, presumably the guy sold them on, or maybe had them stolen.

Homelessness is heartbreaking. I think you did a kind thing op, but I cant blame the guy for being rude/grumpy, if I was sat outside on the pavement all day and sleeping rough my god I'd be grumpy.

I think that was a very lovely thing to do. At the very least he could have said thank you.

It's strongly advised where I live to not give money to "homeless" people. Most of them aren't homeless, but running a drugs ring. Some of them have jobs. Most of them want money for drugs.

Where I used to live, there was a homeless man near by. Elderly. He never asked for anything, but warmly said good morning, how are you etc. When I left for work. On the way back he'd say good evening, ask me how work was. I asked if he wanted some food, he said only if it doesn't put me out of my way. I used to pack him a lunch of whatever I could afford to spare that day (I didn't have much money at the time, I was 17, living alone), plus a bottle of water, he'd greatfully receive it with a thank you and then at the end of the day gave me my box back. One day he wasn't there and never was again :(

I hate it when people ask me for money. It's rude. Ask me for food, that's different.

I had money thrown back at me once (yes actually thrown) because it wasn't enough. I gave a homeless guy some change, probably about £1 in total, but it was all small change and included some one pence coins, this is what he took offence at.

I don't give money to homeless people anymore, not because of this incident though, just because I would rather not. I do sometimes buy food/drinks but always ask what they'd like first.

I once gave a couple of homeless people a hot cornish pasty I was carrying, because I didn't have any change. It was a really posh, expensive one. I did ask them if they wanted it. They said 'yes.' And then fed it to their dog. I was slightly shocked for a second and them laughed. Fair enough, really. The dog looked very happy!

I'm not surprised you felt hurt, op. It's not very nice to be rebuffed like that, but I'm also not surprised that someone on the streets, possibly with a mental health issue, probably tired and grumpy and used to all sorts of random abuse and unwanted advice, might react in ways you mighh not expect. Hope it doesn't put you off being kind again x

I work with the homeless. I know this is going to sound arrogant to some of you, but dumping someone with a sandwich they didn't choose isn't the most helpful thing you can do.

How would you like it if you were forced out of your home and then made to eat what everyone else chose for you? Thought not. Then were huffed at because you weren't grateful enough for a chicken sarnie when you're a vegetarian?

Part of homelessness is depersonalising people - giving people back the choices they're entitled to, no matter how teeny and pathetic, is giving them back the humanity we all take for granted in our lives every day.

Doesn't the founder of The Big Issue ask people NOT to give money to beggars?
YANBU OP. I suspect he wanted money for drugs/alcohol.

I'm sorry but this has left me abit infuriated.
Even if he couldn't of used the food you gave him surely someone else he knew could of ??
The fact that you made the effort to go out of your way , fetch him food and bring it back to him says a lot about you.
the fact he complained about it and turned it down says more about him and his ' dire ' situation.

Lanaor - I disagree... If you're in a terrible situation, you wouldn't be worried about if you chose your dinner or not. You'd be happy you just got some...

Thing is, he's homeless, you're not, and yet you have turned this into something about you so yes yabu and also princessy.

Give what you want to give willingly without condition, or don't give at all.

Great post Japanese Slipper

Two points...

One, if someone is an addict, physically and addict, then they need drugs or alcohol. If a properly physically addicted alcoholic goes through withdrawal it is very nasty. Not just emotionally but physically. So all the judgement about not buying alcohol is a little misplaced.

Two, I have worked in homelessness for many years. One story about why someone might need cash not a cake... I worked with a bloke, addict, who was disconnected from his mum.

She happens to be British, like me. We were chatting about his mum and how guilty he feels and how it would be nice to talk to her again. I mention that it is British Mothering Sunday coming up and he buys her a card. They reconnect.

I went on mat leave and when DD was about 6 months old, I saw him in town. Much cleaner, brighter, told be he'd been clean for months. Talking to his mum again. He credits me with massively more than he should regarding this...

But he used to get cash begging. So some of that cash bought a card for his mum. Some of it paid for heroin as well but some went on a card. You never know what people will do. And beggars are human and make choices, some of which aren't perfect.

On a funny note, we were picking DH up when I met up with him and all DH saw was a toothless, lank-haired homeless man leaning into the car window towards his child. Fair to say DH was a little freaked out. DD liked him though because she's a good judge of character.

Has anyone on the thread suggested he may not have wanted the food because he was hoping for money to buy alcohol?

there is a beggar in my town he has a home he has benefits he also has a nasty habit he needs to feed so he begs sometimes people buy him food which he eats

i used to know some people who begged they were new age travelers they accepted everything clothing food the works they would also shoplift and take things back to the campground where they shared all they got with others

i don't give people money but there are some semi aggressive types around here so ive taken to keeping a pound in my pocket to hand over and i tell them i have three kids and no job (true) and then blame the government they usually agree take the pound and say bless you i hope you get a job soon

NotYoda, completely agree (and also agree with alltouchedout and JapaneseSlipper above). If you are giving something, you are ceding ownership of it to another person. Whatever they do after that doesn't matter - you have given what you have given away. Whether they bin it, sell it, break it, reject it - it doesn't matter. Because otherwise you aren't giving. And this is really the case with homeless people. I'm sure there are loads of times when I've given money to people and they've pissed it up the wall or shot it in their arms but, you know what, that's their choice. If you're giving, unless you are prepared to become very very invested in their lives re shelter/long-term wellbeing or whatever, you just have to let what you are giving truly belong to them.

I just give them money. I hope that they will spend it on food but if they need it for drugs then that's their call. If they are so called professional beggars (I am sure that's an over stated problem and peddled out by those who want an excuse not to give) - well they have to be pretty low on prospects and in someway damaged to choose that way to make a living.