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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

302 replies

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:28

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 26/05/2016 20:42

Thanks for posting that Mrs TP. My DB was addicted to heroin and alcohol for years. I am going to see him tomorrow with my DC and DP. We are staying for a few days. He has been free of drugs and alcohol for around 3 years now. He has a great relationship with my kids. But by god he was a mess for years. You wouldn't know it now.

EscobarsMule · 26/05/2016 20:45

I would definitely have said sorry for offending him - I'm too British

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 26/05/2016 20:55

My immediate thought was "Genuine need or professional beggar?"

His response perhaps suggests the latter. But maybe he needed money for booze or drugs. That's his right and his choice - but one I do not wish to fund. That's my right and my choice.

Personally I don't give money to people on the street because of such questions. I prefer to give to charities who can make informed and professional decisions about how to help those in need.

ilovesooty · 26/05/2016 21:12

I agree with Lanaor

For many homelessness and addiction are about disempowerment and lack of choice, and the fact that so many people think they know what's best for you when they don't walk in your shoes.

And if I'd had the awful lives some of my clients have had I couldn't say with absolute certainty that I wouldn't turn to substances too.

Daddymcdadface · 26/05/2016 21:13

As others have said I can't believe some if the replies to this, there seems to be a few people here who post just to flame . I feel that you were doing something nice and he was quite rude. However you have to think about what this man wanted which might not be the same as you thought he needed or what would be best for him. Perhaps next time just ask first, if they don't want you to buy them food just leave it you have given them the choice. Please just dint stop caring because of one person.

a1poshpaws · 26/05/2016 21:34

You sound very kind and caring, and I see both sides of the comments on here. Bottom line - you tried to help. I think that makes you a good person.

Breadandwine · 26/05/2016 21:40

Clearly, the first and most mentions of him being a vegan were in jest.

Umm, I think I twigged that, Lweji, but thanks for pointing it out. Confused

Jessikita · 26/05/2016 22:04

YANBU. In my view, it shouldn't matter if you are homeless or not, rich, poor, fat or thin, if someone tries to do something kind for you, you should be gracious and accept their token of kindness.

I'm quite frankly taken aback at some of your responses to the OP. Yes, you are entitled to your view and I know everyone is different, but I'm so surprised at your attitude towards her trying to help someone and saying she shouldn't have harassed him etc!

No wonder the world is so "Dog eat Dog" and full of nastiness, indifference, selfishness and narcissism if this is your attitude to someone with a kind heart.

If the homeless man did not want the food, he could have graciously accepted it, and passed it on to another who looked like they were in need.

softjellyjunglecustard · 26/05/2016 22:06

thankyou EvansOvalPies i came out of it but would never have gotten by without the likes of some of the posters here who will make time just to talk to you, give you an umbrella, when people are kind to you, you remember you're human and not just a dog in the street xx

dementedma · 26/05/2016 22:16

On Tuesday I had a meeting with government officials about support for Veterans and employability. On the way to the meeting there was a veteran begging,had a card with his service number and everything. He was talking to someone so I just gave him a few coins for which he politely thanked me. I was all fired up,almost planned to start my meeting with the words " why is there a man begging just a few streets away from where this meeting is?". I planned to stop and offer him help ( via my work) on the way back to the station. He came up in conversation. Cue much rolling g of eyes. Turned out every service charity in the city knew this guy and had offerd help from accommodation to jobs. All refused as he preferred to beg, preying on people's sympathy and perception that all veterans are hard done to and left on the streets. I felt like a right fool, and angry that he was giving out the message of being abandoned and homeless when he had been offered loads of help!

frutilla · 26/05/2016 22:23

A big issue seller I chat too says he gets loads of drinks but doesn't want them as there is no loo nearby. He has his meals at a day centre so doesn't really need the food people give. Often it's too chewy for his dental problems or something he doesn't like. He would often insist on giving me the drinks for my kids.

heavenlypink · 26/05/2016 22:29

I think most local authorities display posters like this? So OP in my opinion you did the right thing. Someone who is truly homeless would be grateful for food.

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food
londonmummy1966 · 26/05/2016 22:31

No you aren't being unreasonable. I used to get luncheon vouchers at one point and tended to save them up to give to homeless people. Most were really grateful but the odd one or two would complain they wanted cash. IMO I can choose what I want to give and if I wanted to give luncheon vouchers you can choose whether or not to accept them but you can't then tell me to give you something else instead. If the OP chose to give food that was her choice. If the intended recipient chose to turn it down that was their choice. Fine but they can't then expect her to give something else instead.

Ifeelsuchafool · 26/05/2016 22:40

I have seen some street people who have clearly not had the opportunity or money to deal with their appearance or hygiene turned away by cafes who just don't want them in there. These people are usually grateful if you ask them if you can go in and get them something but I always ask what they would like. They are people, with their own particular tastes and as I wouldn't dream of ordering for a friend in a restaurant or café, why should I decide what a total stranger would like to eat?

SomethingLike · 26/05/2016 23:10

I have food for the same reasons to a homeless man recently. He was so overwhelmed and grateful I cried. It was so sad to see something we take for granted so much so gratefully received. It's heartbreaking. Keep doing what you're doing and reaching out to homeless people.

SomethingLike · 26/05/2016 23:13

OP I don't think you got it wrong. This guy sounds like an anomaly. MN is a crazy place these days if people will attack and criticise you for attempting to feed a homeless person. It's like the PC police are out in force on every single thread- it's not a true reflection of life on here any more it's angry people projecting. You didn't do anything wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/05/2016 23:17

That's great bearleft. I hope everything continues getting better for him, and you!

EveryoneElsie · 26/05/2016 23:41

Lets take OPs comments and change it;
I tried to do something nice for someone at work.
They smelled bad so I went out of my way to buy them some deodorant.
They said they didnt want it, they wanted something else and now my feelings are hurt.

Do you see now?
Thats not being nice.
And it would get a lot of biscuits.

BillSykesDog · 26/05/2016 23:48

There's a big difference between implying someone is smelly and implying someone is hungry in a situation where they are likely to be hungry. It's more comparable to offering someone a spray of deodorant after a five mile run.

IoraRua · 26/05/2016 23:53

I'm with you OP. I don't give money to the homeless for exactly this reason, I do give it to charity though. Maybe he wanted money for drugs, but I don't want to fund that so giving cash isn't something I do. Not your problem if he didn't want the food.

ilovesooty · 27/05/2016 00:20

It's like the PC police are out in force on every single thread

Here we go again.

MariaSklodowska · 27/05/2016 00:42

" It's like the PC police are out in force on every single thread- "

oh about time someone started bleating about 'PC'.

NO it is not "PC" it is about treating homeless people as people.

Just because someone is a beggar doesn't mean they shouldn't choose what they spend their money on/what sandwich they like, does it?

falange · 27/05/2016 00:44

Yanbu. Even if he didn't want it he should have been polite and accepted your kind offering. Being homeless doesn't excuse anyone having bad manners.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2016 00:54

Even if he didn't want it he should have been polite and accepted your kind offering. I think people may miss what things can be going on for homeless people. Trauma, abuse, MH issues, night terrors, PTSD, personality disorders, addiction, loss. People get trench foot, get their stuff nicked, witness violence and death.

I worked in a shelter where a lovely man would go upstairs every night then come down about midnight. He couldn't sleep in the room with the other blokes because he would panic, scream, imagine things, hurt himself. Really nice bloke so he would come downstairs every night and hang with us, try to doze in a chair. Now imagine how he felt every day, with next to no sleep.

I know politeness costs nothing but people can be in a very dark, lonely place.

MariaSklodowska · 27/05/2016 01:00

" Being homeless doesn't excuse anyone having bad manners." yes it really can do. thank you MrsTerry for explaining so eloquently.