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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

302 replies

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:28

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

OP posts:

NHSisfubar · 25/05/2016 22:59

I backtracked after getting off the tube and went up to a guy begging near my friends place in a posh part of London and offered to go into the Tesco express and buy him a sandwich and drink etc and he said 'No thanks; I just had some dinner in there' and gestured behind him to a quite smart bistro!

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 23:03

You did nothing wrong, only make the assumption that a homeless person would think of nurishment before anything else - which I don't think is a wrong assumption to make.

His rudeness was uncalled for. You were doing something nice and he demanded money.

GraysAnalogy · 25/05/2016 23:05

And no this thread isn't bloody 'othering', what is 'othering' is to think homeless people don't have manners or shouldn't be upheld to those standards. I've looked after IV drug users who I've seen begging on the streets of my town and they've not acted in this way despite them needing money rather than food.

BillSykesDog · 25/05/2016 23:10

NHS, in fairness, based on my experience of working in the hospitality industry in London it's quite possible he had dinner 'in there' but unlikely he paid for it. Put it this way, London is full of posh eateries which have leftovers or food not quite fresh enough for paying customers but still good. It also has a lot of people down on their luck. It's common practice for restaurants and cafes to give meals to people begging in the area, particularly regulars they know.

softjellyjunglecustard · 25/05/2016 23:11

YANBU, when i lived on the streets I would never turn down free food. even your least favourites start looking yummy when you're freezing cold and starving - thankyou for being a lovely person OP

NHSisfubar · 25/05/2016 23:32

BillSykesDog I just thought it was quite amusing as I wouldn't have afforded it myself! Told friend when I arrived and she said he was a professional anyway and had brand new gadgets etc!

Frrrrrrippery · 25/05/2016 23:51

I don't give food or money directly to people who are or who appear to be homeless. I do give money to homeless charities as they can use the money in the best way.

Try googling Should I give money to homeless people. You get loads of different authorities (charities etc ) saying that you shouldn't.

It might feel 'nice' to give money or food but it's more effective to give the money directly to Homeless charities.

Tink06 · 25/05/2016 23:58

The same thing happened to me. Took coffee n a sandwich to an elderley homeless woman who told me off. Left her the coffee on the floor as it was a bitterly cold day but took the sandwich.
I don't like giving money either but just felt sorry for her on a cold winters evening.

Breadandwine · 26/05/2016 00:50

Maybe he was vegan

I'm vegan, and if I was made homeless I would try and maintain that - with how much success it's hard to know.

The pizzas I give out are certainly vegan, and the guys seem to enjoy them.

There are more ways to donate to the homeless than by giving money. I run a weekly breadmaking session at our local hostel (breadmaking is my passion). My clientele is a bit hit and miss - occasionally no-one has turned up, but yesterday I had six students making spicy fruit naan and chocolate and banana calzones - all in the frying pan. One of the guys made some flour and water pancakes.

One thing's for sure, I get as much - or more - out of these sessions as the students do!

Lweji · 26/05/2016 01:18

Clearly, the first and most mentions of him being a vegan were in jest.

TowerRavenSeven · 26/05/2016 02:23

He was rude, but then he didn't ask for food. I don't give money either. I tend to carry snacks on me and always have bottled water in the car. I was downtown once and saw a man asking for money. I had a bag of grapes and some kind of protein snack and bottle of water with me for ds. Instead I asked the man would he like some grapes and snacks, he said yes and I happily gave them to him. He said thank you and was very grateful.

I know a lot of people don't carry food with them but I do and if I see someone in need I'm afraid what I have on hand is what they get if they want. I don't buy restaurant food for beggars, I think it's lovely if you do but I have food on me most times and it's good enough for me and my family then it's good enough for anyone that wants it.

I was in a pizza place once and a man wandered in and asked for a bottle of water. The place they didn't have any bottled and didn't offer him a cup. I told him if he'd wait there I'd get one out of my trunk if he wanted. He indicated he did. I gave him the bottle and he didn't say much (to be fair I don't think he spoke English) but as I was pulling away I was aghast. He opened the bottled water and started washing up with it. This is a place where public restrooms are all over and he could have washed in a wash room instead of washing with my bottled water!

A few months ago I was in the grocery and a woman asked me if I'd buy her a bottle of fancy iced tea. I said no, I had water in my car if she wanted and she was like No, want the tea. I said well I don't even buy that for myself, sorry, and walked away.

My last instance was just yesterday, I was in a parking lot and two young women, a man I took to be about 20, and a little toddler were on the corner. I looked at them and the youngest woman looked wistfully at me and ds and waved. I know this sounds awful but it looked so staged. I felt awful but something just didn't strike me as right.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 26/05/2016 03:14

Frrrrrrippery It might feel 'nice' to give money or food but it's more effective to give the money directly to Homeless charities.

... But make sure it's a local, grassroots charity that actually helps all homeless people.

Not Shelter who hoover up funding yet drop homeless people if they realise the council won't house them.

Iknownuffink · 26/05/2016 03:40

You may have been the fifth person that gave him food. Perhaps he needed money to launder his clothes...

I also buy food for beggars.

It breaks my heart when I come across them, always has done.

Frrrrrrippery · 26/05/2016 09:30

OnceThere

I agree, I much prefer to give to local grassroots type of charities.

JacquesHammer · 26/05/2016 10:59

He really didn't need to be rude.

OP made a lovely gesture - a simple "no thank you" would have been far nicer than badgering her for money

Lweji · 26/05/2016 11:32

In summary:
The man who looked homeless or a beggar was rude.

He could:
a) be a professional beggar who wanted money
b) have mental health problems
c) just be a twat

d) a vegan with digestive problems

Should he have accepted the food the OP gave him?

No. He has no more obligation to accept anything that is given to him than any of us. He didn't throw it at the OP or was rude to her. Just stated he wanted money.
Conversely, the OP has no obligation to give him anything, then or ever again. Certainly not money.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 11:33

Re-reading my post.

The man wasn't exactly rude, in fact, as he didn't insult the OP. He just refused the offer. Fair enough. His problem.

EvansOvalPies · 26/05/2016 14:41

softjellyjunglecustard posted quite beautifully, and provided the perspective from the receiver's PoV. (I so hope you are on the up yourself now, Jelly).

Lweji - I do see what you mean, but if a beggar is begging, then they can't pick and choose what they beg for. Why did he not take it, thank the OP, then give it to one of his homeless acquaintances, if he didn't want it himself. Indeed - he could have 'sold' it - in exchange for a couple of ciggies.

Lweji · 26/05/2016 14:57

Actually, the OP didn't say he was begging. Just sitting on the floor.
And of course beggars can choose. It may not be smart to refuse things, but they can certainly refuse. :)
And going back, it's quite possible he had no need or want for food.

EvansOvalPies · 26/05/2016 15:24

No, you're right OP didn't say he was a beggar. But when offered something he became a demander. He said "'I don't want it, I want money'. Where is the fine line between begging and demanding, I wonder? And who can tell?

EveryoneElsie · 26/05/2016 15:27

Maybe he has poor social skills. Or was having a bad day. Or OP wasnt as nice as she thought, and was in fact patronising or condescending.

Nobody here knows.

OnTheBlacklist · 26/05/2016 16:52

NC for obvious reasons.

In my teens I became homeless, and at the same time was pregnant. I lived in a squat, accessed only by a small broken window at the back. I had to heave my 6 month pregnant self on top of a bin to climb through a window for shelter at night. I had no money and no cooking facilities.

It didn't occur to me to beg at the time. I'd fallen through the cracks somewhat and was very naive (a thread in its own right probably). What little money I did have I'd buy reduced bread and cheap tins of soup from the local bargain place. I ate them cold.

Had someone come and given me food and drink I would have probably cried with gratitude, and if I wasn't hungry it would have been squirrelled away until later because at that time I had no idea where my next meal was going to come from.

Buckinbronco · 26/05/2016 16:54

He's probably doesn't want food. Drug addiction, alcohol addiction and serious mental illness are very common amongst the homeless. Their needs aren't the same as yours

Cromwell1536 · 26/05/2016 17:03

I live in London and often go through Charing X station. There are posters everywhere saying don't give money, you're often helping someone kill themselves through drink and drugs. There's also a campaign running by homelessness charities to discourage people from buying food/drinks and giving them out, as this 'enables' a dangerous lifestyle, and helps keep people on the streets rather than have them seek help. Now, you might think that heavyhanded, patriarchal, whatever - but this comes from people who are expert in the kind of problems street sleepers have. So -- I give to homelessness charities rather than homeless individuals, and while it doesn't take the edge off the guilt when an individual seeks your help and asks for money or food, at least I feel I'm doing some tiny thing towards alleviating a problem. Maybe direct your generosity to homeless people in a slightly different way in future?

northernshepherdess · 26/05/2016 19:26

The homeless charities say absolutely do not give money and they work with these people all the time so I have to take what they say on board.
Having been in the exact same situation in my home town... I bought an extra burger on my bank card for a beggar... He didn't eat apparently, he said he only drank... so I went back in scrabbled my pockets and got him a

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