Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

302 replies

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:28

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

OP posts:
iminshock · 27/05/2016 01:47

You are kind.
He is rude

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 01:51

Fucking hell what a rude ass you are OP! Why on earth didnt you ask him beforehand what he would like to eat, or even if he actually wanted anything to eat.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 27/05/2016 02:02

RE.. Mrsspecter's comment.
That's how your seen op as (rude)when you try be good and help people.
I dispear sometimes.

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 02:09

No actually, trying to help him would have meant actually asking him what help he needed. Assuming you know what a person needs and then arguing with them over it when they say they dont is rude. Learn the difference.

AgentPineapple · 27/05/2016 02:18

So nice that you tried to do something nice, it's hard not to assume he had no intention of buying food but something less useful.

You have to be careful as well as most of the 'homeless' in my city are actually doing a job, they work shifts and there is someone orchestrating the whole thing and these people are professional beggars.

In saying that don't lose your faith in people and although it is their prerogative on whether they accept what you offer, it's also your prerogative on what you decide to give.

Be safe x

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 02:22

Reasons why you should have asked

  1. the 20 people who passed him before you may have already bought him food.
  2. allergies/intolerances
  3. vegan/vegetarian etc
  4. religious restrictions
  5. just not bloody hungry!
Mandp76 · 27/05/2016 08:01

If I was homeless and you offered me food I'd be immensely grateful at your kindness. Even if I wasn't hungry at that point I'd save it for later. You're act of kindness was admirable.

Mandp76 · 27/05/2016 08:02

your

Mandp76 · 27/05/2016 08:05

And for the record you are most definitely not rude! Fussiness doesn't come into it when you're starving. And at some point when you're homeless you will be starving! Keep positive OP.

AnUtterIdiot · 27/05/2016 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly · 27/05/2016 08:57

Op is a rude ass for not giving him money instead; so he could then spend his money how he chose... What fucking planet are you on, MrsSpector???
If there're any asses on this thread, look in the mirror and you'll see the biggest one staring right back at you.

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 09:44

Op is a rude ass for not giving him money instead; so he could then spend his money how he chose... What fucking planet are you on, MrsSpector???

Where did i mention money? Confused

EveryoneElsie · 27/05/2016 09:48

I dont understand why you are so upset by such a small thing, or why mention you went out of your way to do it.

Its very sad that you cant put yourself in someone else's shoes for 2 minutes and see how bad their life might be,. or how they might not be able to trust people who approach them.

On the streets, nice people get stamped on.

GhettoFabulous · 27/05/2016 09:59

I was homeless when I left my ex husband - we had to go to women's refuge. The local church had some kind of harvest festival and donated some food to us. Nice stuff, fruit and homemade cake. I have never been so upset, humiliated and ashamed in my entire life. Being on the receiving end of charity makes you feel many things. Grateful isn't one of them.

MariaSklodowska · 27/05/2016 10:03

" I dont understand why you are so upset by such a small thing, or why mention you went out of your way to do it."

It is one thing to do some act of charity, but it is quite another to keep quiet about it afterwards.

shillwheeler · 27/05/2016 12:26

Don't think OP merits all the negative comments on this thread. She was just trying to do something good, albeit in a random way. If she had stopped to ask what he wanted, she would have probably have got into the I want money debate, which she didn't want. And I don't think she is boasting about what she has done, more the feeling the rejection has caused her.

Homelessness is a complex issue. Nobody disputes that homeless people have feelings and preferences too, but am guessing OP prefers to give food so money is not spent on drugs or drink. (OK, that involves a value judgment too, but that's OP's, and not an unreasonable one, to make)

Should one expect gratitude? The correct answer, is not. However, I think it is only natural to want to feel appreciated when one puts oneself out. If you'd bought a colleague a sandwich and cake, you'd expect them to say thanks. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the homeless man to say thanks either - true there may be a myriad of reasons why he doesn't feel thankful, but from OP's perspective, I think it a reasonable expectation. To argue otherwise, that normal rules of social intercourse and politeness don't apply, is, in a way, defining him by his homeless status in the same way that some posters accuse the OP of by assuming he would be grateful for food by virtue of his homelessness.

Bottom line is OP (who meant well) feels she has had a good deed thrown back in her face. That feeling is not unreasonable.

The homeless man may not be homeless, he may be scamming, he could have mental health issues. He could just want money to spend on drink, drugs or whatever. He could (reasonably) be really fed up and act ungraciously in declining food he doesn't want, or he could just dislike what he sees as patronage. He is, like all of us, at the end of the day, human and imperfect.

Give money instead if you can accept that he would spend it as he wants. Or take the time to ask what he would like, or just whether he'd like anything. Or decide to give something to a charity that works with the homeless. They're all better than what a lot of us would have done, which is just walk on by.

YANBU. You tried to do something you thought was good. And it didn't work out. Disappointment is natural.

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 13:50

If she had stopped to ask what he wanted, she would have probably have got into the I want money debate, which she didn't want.

At which point she was free to say "no" and get on with her day.

The alternative to giving food is not giving money. Its not one or the other.

Lweji · 27/05/2016 13:52

more the feeling the rejection has caused her

Sure, because giving to the homeless is all about the giver. Hmm

MrsSpecter · 27/05/2016 14:47

If youre going to help someone, you should actually help them. You dont do it to see a display of gratitude, you do it because they need it. If you are going to huff because they dont need the thing you have decided you want to give then dont bother.

EveryoneElsie · 27/05/2016 14:53

Is it passive aggressive behaviour to offer an unwanted gift, then react badly to the refusal?
On another thread someone gives a tin opener and knife sharpener as an unwanted gift, then sulks because its not wanted. That OP is told they ANBU for not wanting the gift, and that its unreasonable to get huffy if a gift is unwanted.

Lolling at the 'PC Brigade' comments. I was recently told I was being unreasonable for saying its not safe to let a homeless person suck your child's dummy then give it back to them, as there is a higher than average risk of a disease such as Hep C.

twofingerstoGideon · 27/05/2016 16:47

You have to be careful as well as most of the 'homeless' in my city are actually doing a job, they work shifts and there is someone orchestrating the whole thing and these people are professional beggars.

Someone orchestrating the whole thing? Like Bill Sykes, perhaps?

Breadandwine · 27/05/2016 17:00

Hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread, slightly, summer, but it's in a good cause (or two!) Smile.

I'm fundraising for Taunton Association for the Homeless and Taunton YMCA by seeing how many press ups I can do in an hour. I'm suggesting a penny a press up, but any donation would be gratefully received.

Thanks!

Greenyogagirl · 27/05/2016 20:55

Interesting one, I always ask if they'd like a coffee or a sandwich and then buy it. They might have dietary issues, be vegan or just not like the taste of certain things.
However he does seem to be very rude. Xx

irretating · 27/05/2016 21:31

Part of homelessness is depersonalising people - giving people back the choices they're entitled to, no matter how teeny and pathetic, is giving them back the humanity we all take for granted in our lives every day.

I liked this sentence so much I'm going to quote it again so that more people can read it.

YoureNotAlone · 27/05/2016 21:58

OP, Next time, take a pad and pen with you. Then you can ask the homeless person for his preferred order, write it down, trot off and get it for him and deliver it back Hmm
No wonder so many people walk straight past 'people in need' if it's this much hard fucking work.

I'm now gagging for a thread where someone kindly gives a Birthday gift to a friend, only to be told "umm I don't want that, give me money instead" I wonder what the replies would be for that..."entitled friend" or "oh op, seriously, you should have asked her first"