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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

302 replies

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:28

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 25/05/2016 12:56

I have had to rewrite this response so many times that the thread is probably on page 5 by now with all this already said.

Because someone is homeless and begging for money does not oblige them to accept food you want to give them.

Because someone does not want food does not mean that anything is being thrown in your face. Perhaps he needed soap, loo roll, a toothbrush, paracetamol, a bus ticket, socks, etc. Perhaps his dietary requirements are such that the food you wanted to give him is not suitable. Perhaps he feels offended by the implication that as a homeless person who is begging he cannot be trusted to use any money he gets to buy his own choice of food.

If you are willing and able to give to someone in need then that's great. It's a nice thing to do. I'm sure your initial offer came from a place of kindness. But if someone does not want what you wish to give, then you should not get offended and criticise their lack of gratitude. It's not about your needs (to feel like you helped, to able to congratulate yourself for Doing Good) but theirs, surely?

I'm sure you're very nice. To have even wanted to offer help suggests that. But this post makes it look as though you're nice to the homeless and destitute as long as they know their place and respond to any offer you make in a way that you approve of and which helps boost your self image. It's fine not to give money. I totally get why people choose not to. You're under no obligation to do it and many people (such as the Big Issue founder) argue against doing it. What is not fine is this sort of "they should be grateful for and take whatever I want to give whether they need it or not" approach. It's belittling and petty.

Original poster
summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:57

Like I said, I'll try different approach next time.

OP posts:
KayTee87 · 25/05/2016 12:57

He was very rude. I don't like giving money either as I potentially don't want to feed someone's drink or drug habit (flame away, a lot of homeless people have these issues). I buy food vouchers through my church to give out instead. I'm sure there will be a few places that sell them. Don't be disheartened.

BeckyMcDonald · 25/05/2016 12:57

I think what you did was well-intentioned OP but he probably gets a dozen like you offering him food daily. What he probably wants is money to pay for a hostel, or transport, or a phone top-up, or maybe drugs or booze. I know he was rude to you but I'd probably be a bit fucked off if I was sitting on the floor of a train station desperate for alcohol and another do-gooder tried to salve their conscience by offering me another egg butty. (I'm really not saying you are a do-gooder but if I was really down on my luck that may be how I would have interpreted it)

You have no obligation to give and if you don't want your money to be spent on whatever the homeless person wants to spend it on, then of course you shouldn't give it.

EvansOvalPies · 25/05/2016 12:57

Charities working with the homeless actively discourage the general public from giving cash to homeless rough sleepers, so you did the right thing Summer. Maybe your fella was one of the 'Professional Beggars' - the type that makes a living from it. I regularly buy food for a chap who sits outside one of our local supermarkets, and have spent time chatting to him. He is always very pleased to receive his snacks, and happily tucks in - makes me feel happy. If someone is insisting upon cash, then I would question their motive, quite honestly.

RiverCambs · 25/05/2016 12:57

Yabu. He is a person
Yeah and so is OP. Trying to do something good

Agree with this. Homeless or not he should have been grateful!

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 12:58

They're not grateful all the time. a few years back I saw a homeless man outside the Cutty Sark DLR near Starbucks went into the store bought him a coffee and a hot sandwich thing - he wasn't grateful, then someone asked me afterwards maybe you should ask.

so the last few people:-

woman outside Hammersmith tube - I asked what she wanted - she said hot drink (tea I think) didn't like their sandwiches but did like croissants so I got her a croissant and blueberry mufffin and driink.

Woman earlier in the year same place didn't want anything apart from hot milk but I got her sandwich and muffin too and told starbucks and they said they'd keep an eye and give her hot milk (was in winter but Feb/March time).

someone outside where I live (Crystal Palace) asked her what she wanted got her sandwich, juice, chocolate (she stated that) - I also gave her a necklace I'd just brought (a sort of fake suede wrap around diamante one you could do as necklace/bracelet) - she immediately put it on - I mentioned it to SIL as saw her afterwards and she said "you made her feel like a person doing that" - and thats what you have to keep in mind - they're people. this poor woman had been crying outside a supermarket I spoke to her asked if she was ok -she said battered woman, refuge, problems etc but I did ask. I just felt so sorry sorry for her and have known women in care/abused etc.

anyway my 2p worth! ASK THEM!!!

HormonalHeap · 25/05/2016 12:58

You did the right thing and offered him food; he obviously wasn't hungry and furthermore ungrateful for your concern, don't think anything more of it.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 12:58

oh I also give them change if i paid by cash or change in my purse. not loads but a few pounds.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 25/05/2016 12:59

He was fucking rude.

Flowers OP.

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 13:00

what you could do though (and what I will do) is ask:-

do you want a phone top up? oyster top up etc? if they say yes and you've got £5/£10 to spare then do that!!!

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 25/05/2016 13:01

If he was genuinely homeless and not looking for cash to get his next fix he would have accepted it. You sound lovely op. His loss.

ApocalypseSlough · 25/05/2016 13:01

Maybe he wasn't hungry! Confused

Floggingmolly · 25/05/2016 13:02

They have tastes and preferences too. Seriously?? When you're reduced to begging in the street; it's so not the time to imagine complete strangers are going to cater to your tastes and preferences Confused

EveryoneElsie · 25/05/2016 13:05

If you want to do something good for someone, just do it. But dont expect gratitude.
If you really cant put yourself in his shoes, stay away from the homeless.

SaucyJack · 25/05/2016 13:06

It's nice that you wanted to help, but of course YABU to think that he should have to accept and be grateful for you sandwich.

He may have been given ten sandwiches already that morning. He might not even like sandwiches.

After the first time you'd offered then you should have then either left him in peace, or respected that he is an adult and capable of making his own choices and given him a couple of quid for a can of whatever he really to drink.

Some horrible replies in this thread.

RainbowsAndUnicorns5 · 25/05/2016 13:06

Perhaps he was feeling grumpy Biscuit

LordoftheTits · 25/05/2016 13:06

The first and only time I've offered to buy a homeless person food he was incredibly cheeky. I had expected a sandwich and a drink but he asked for the bumper pack of three, two bottles of Lucozade, crisps, a chocolate bar and also asked if I could buy him fags. I don't bother now.

VioletBam · 25/05/2016 13:06

How did you know what sort of food he'd like?

Oh that's right you DIDN'T!

He might have allergies or OCD or anything!

Or are homeless people not allowed to have those?

YABU.

Volunteer at a shelter or just walk past.

2boysnamedR · 25/05/2016 13:07

Same happened to my friend. I don't like giving cash as done that before and it was spent on booze. That's fine if it's what you need to get through the day but not I was hard up and couldn't afford alcohol for myself at the time.

You get flamed what ever you do on here.

NickiFury · 25/05/2016 13:07

I think some people struggle to realise that homelessness and starving are not always synonymous. If you want to give something, just give them what they want, let them decide, not you, you're making yourself be in charge of their choices even with the best of intentions. You have decided what they need.

KayTee87 · 25/05/2016 13:07

I saw a homeless woman sitting outside freezing in the winter, I gave her my spare gloves and umbrella out of my bag and she asked me 'what the fuck she would want them for' Hmm
Thankfully most people are nice both homeless and not homeless. Always the odd few that are rude and ungrateful.

In fact one of the times I did give someone cash was on my wedding day, I was outside the venue trying to cool down in my huge dress and the homeless man congratulated me and told me I looked lovely Smile i had a long chat with him about where he was going to stay that night and gave him £20 as I said I hadn't been allowed to buy a drink all night so it was spare money.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 25/05/2016 13:09

If someone is insisting upon cash, then I would question their motive, quite honestly

Don't know about anyone else, but I like getting paid in money and wouldn't appreciate my boss deciding it would be better for me to be paid in sandwiches and cake!

Anyway, good for you, OP, doe rethinking - it's clear you wanted to do a nice thing.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 25/05/2016 13:10

If he was genuinely homeless and not looking for cash to get his next fix he would have accepted it. You sound lovely op. His loss

Absolute bollocks! What do you use cash for? Your next fix too, I assume?

Sunnsoo · 25/05/2016 13:10

He could have just said 'no thanks' then! He was rude!