AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

[summeriscoming]

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

Thanks Puzzled x

I am shocked at some of these responses

"beggars can't be choosers"
"He should have been grateful to you"
"He was fucking rude"

You do all understand that he is homeless yes? As in, literally no where to live. He is begging for money and you have no idea what that is for - shelter, food, drink, whatever. If you choose to give him money then trust that he will spend it on what he wants, you can't give it to someone with conditions. If you buy someone food, accept that they might not want it. Maybe he'd just eaten. Or maybe, given that he isn't exactly homeless by choice, that the one nice thing he can do each day in the misery of his life is choose his own food. So he'd prefer money not food.

I think OP did a nice thing by buying him food but this man very definitely should NOT be unfalteringly grateful at anything which is thrown his way.

And some of you need to adjust your attitudes, some terrible things written on here.

Summer, you were obviously trying to do something nice, but I think the problem was that you decided for him what he needed, and I can imagine that for a homeless or vulnerable person who probably already feels like they have little control over their own life it's just a little bit more control being taken away from them. I don't mean to excuse his rudeness to you, but I can see how refusing to gratefully accept something he'd never asked for might be the only way he can feel he's still got some handle on his life.

honestly Rhi if i couldn't afford food for my family, we'd have to eat what we got, I wouldn't be thinking anything nasty about the person doing the offering, it's not reasonable to expect someone helping you out to do a supermarket shop catered to your preferences. I always give to homeless charities as I don't like the personal interaction element of it.

OP is getting such unnecessary flack here. You did what's right. No it's NOT ok that some people want money for reasons other than food, drink and accommodation. We would never think it acceptable if our DPs/ DCs/ DFs etc put alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, clothes or anything else above nutrition and shelter so why is ok that random homeless people should?

Sadly many homeless people have addiction problems and mental health issues. He could have already eaten that day and therefore not wanted the food. If he was dependent on drugs, that can also dull the appetite. They also need to scrape together enough money for a hostel bed for the night unless they want to sleep outside. So food might not be as gratefully received as you would think. You sound like your heart was in the right place though. I don't want them spending money on drugs or alcohol either but at the end of the day, they will and you buying food will do nothing to help their addictions. And when you think about the unimaginable misery that they face day in and day out on the streets, it's really no surprise that they try to block it out.

Jesus, this thread makes me really sad.

OP, what you did was lovely. If he had seen what you were offering and couldn't accept due to dietary requirements, that's one thing, but he didn't let you get that far by the sounds of it.

Not hungry could have kept it for later, surely? He wanted money and thought if he refused the food he might get money instead. He is entitled to do that, but he was still rude to the OP.

As someone who has worked with homeless people, one night I was sat with a homeless man outside a concert venue. He said he sat there every time a gig was on as it was by a Tesco Metro and everyone came out happy and went into the Metro and bought him food, which he liked. He got loads on the evening I sat with him and he said it would last him a few days (it wasn't particularly warm weather). He said if he got money he did usually buy himself a drink to cheer himself up, which is of course up to him, but it didn't mean he wasn't grateful to people who stopped and helped.

Sometimes I have asked what they wanted, other times not, or sometimes have shared what I have, but I have never had anyone be rude to me. Please don't let this deter you from helping again, OP. Too many people walk past or just drop money in front of them without a word, which although they get the money is hurtful and does not make them feel like part of the human race. A kind gesture and a chat is often the thing they are missing the most.

I think donating to a homeless shelter directly, or putting food/toiletry items into the collection bin for the local food bank is a better idea. I was working in Manchester once and offered to buy this shivering young girl, sitting outside a shop, a sandwich and a drink, and she declined, said she'd rather have the cash if I didn't mind. There are several projects for the homeless too, where charities collect gloves, hats, scarves, sleeping bags, underwear, toiletries - they specifically say no food items or drinks to be donated though.

I used to work in a shop at the bottom of a block of flats, there were a few "homeless" men who lived in the flats, they used to go begging and bring the change to me to change it up into notes for them. They used to make an awful lot of money. I'm afraid it's all rather clouded my opinion of beggars

It's fair enough for the OP to buy some food, it's fair enough for the homeless man to chuck it back.

But - that does not mean that people should have to bow and scrape and tiptoe around a homeless person and ask about their tastes and preferences as an earlier poster advocated. Sling them a sandwich or hot drink if you feel so inclined. Homeless person can either eat it or throw it in the bin. It seems as if some people on here are saying that only money will do and frankly most people would not really be happy in the knowledge that they were enabling drinking or drug taking.

Given that the advice from homeless organisations is not to give them money, and advice from Mumsnet is not to give them food either, in case they're full, gluten-intolerant or 'fucked off with sandwiches' I guess it's best for everyone we completely ignore them.

Frankly I lost patience with them after being verbally abused by two different Big Issue sellers. Despite the mantra they do not want money one hassled me repeatedly in a bus station for money and swore at me when I said no, another called me 'a fucking bitch' for not handing over the sandwich I was eating.

I donate to the local shelter. Anything else is 'middle class naivety' I see.

RUDE!
I don't give money but I have asked whether they want me to buy them food. Up to now everybody has said yes...

He was rude. You were trying to be helpful and kind and he should have at least said thank you.

Replace 'homeless man' with 'colleague', 'neighbour', 'elderly man,' 'harassed mother,' 'drunk teenager,' etc etc and the person rejecting it would clearly be acting in a rude and ungrateful way.

You're a person doing a nice thing for another person. He can take it or leave it. You weren't obliged to give him anything at all, it was a gift.

Op's gripe isn't that the homeless guy wasn't on his knees with gratitude. It's that he was openly, needlessly rude to her, rather than simply saying no thanks if he genuinely wasn't hungry.
I can't believe the posters insisting it is the begger's perogative to spend someone else's hard earned cash on their next fix if that's what they choose to do, and the giver has a fucking nerve having any opinion on that whatsoever.
The money is given at the giver's discretion, it is not "earned" in any way, so if it comes with strings attached - tough shit.

sonlypuppyfat Yes, it does happen! A city a used to do some homeless community work had a ring that would beg as a career. They would steal from others too, genuine homeless people, who would be too scared to report because they knew they'd see them again. They would chase people off their "patches". It was all very competitive.

suspendedcoffees.com/ OP have a look at this scheme. It might be a better way for you to lend your support if there is a coffee shop in your area that is part of the scheme.

Honestly, are some posters quite mad? As if your average homeless person is worrying about allergies, fgs. They're hardly at the off licence inspecting the craft beers for impurities and choosing the organic wheat-free option. It's so blasted stupid and self-righteous that they're having a go at the OP who was only trying to be nice.

I came across this, recently. It doesn't operate in my area, but it inspired me to bake a couple of small pizzas extra every Saturday, which is pizza day for us.

I give them to the 1st two Big Issue sellers I come across next time I'm in town - they're mostly very appreciative, but I had built up something of a relationship beforehand.

But one guy just took the pizza with a grunt - and initially, I was a bit miffed and thought - 'You're not getting another one, mate!" However, on reflection, I realised that we don't know what trauma these guys have been through to make them homeless - and we don't know what trauma they go through on a daily basis. I've persevered with him, and now I get a gruff "Thanks."

I don't give money to people begging on the street after reading an interview about someone who was in a fairly well paid job but use beg on the way home from work for a bit of extra spending money.

That's one person, LadyV. Didn't read that in the Daily Fail, by any chance?

I take the view we have no way of knowing how genuine a beggar is - if I've got a spare pound in my pocket, they can have it. (I also support the local association for the homeless.)

We none of us know whether we'll end up homeless ourselves - so I just can't walk on by.

You can't shoot up cake...

Breadandwine I just wanted to say that your post made me smile and tear up a bit. Bless you.

Having volunteered with a homeless charity I would say don't let this encounter put you off. As you said, homeless issues are very complex, and you don't know what was going on with this guy. This idea that all homeless people should be grateful is really patronising - there are many, and deeply traumatic events that lead to homelessness and that's not going to make you into some kind of Dick Van Dyke character. The advice to ask first is very valid, saying 'What can I do to help?" and talking to the person as an adult and not a child is important. If they ask for money, be honest, say you're not comfortable and could you get them something else. If you really want to help, then volunteer, or raise money for organisations that work with homeless people. Also, a lot of charities have advice lines now where you can call to ask for support services to go out and speak with a homeless person.

OP, that was a lovely thing to do. The person who you were trying to help, was incredibly rude. Simple as. Homeless or not, there's no need to be rude to people trying to help you

Some of them are chancers and some of them are genuine. If I offered food to a beggar and he was that rude, then he could fuck off if he thought he was getting any money. I dont have money to waste on other peoples skag habits, but I dont mind helping out someone who looks genuinely like theyve fallen on hard times if I have spare