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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that homeless people should be grateful if somebody gives them food

302 replies

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 12:28

So I'm feeling a bit upset. I got out of the tube station a saw a homeless man sitting on the floor. He was in a bad shape so I decided to get him some food (firstly, I don't like giving money and secondly I didn't have any change). I went out of my way to get him food and drink and cake from sainsburys. I gave it to him and he said 'I don't want it, I want money'. I said 'I don't have any money but I'm giving you food and drink'. He said 'If you give me money I can buy food myself'. 'But I'm giving you food'. 'I don't want it, give me some money.'
So I walked off. I wanted to do something nice and he threw it in my face.
I know homeless issues are very complex but still AIBU to think that he should accepted what I was giving him. Or should I only ever give money (which I don't like doing)?

OP posts:

EvansOvalPies · 25/05/2016 13:11

Oh, are you homeless, Seek ? Generally speaking, homeless people don't have a boss, and therefore cannot demand to be paid in cash. What a very strange comparison.

RhodaBull · 25/05/2016 13:11

FGS - some really sanctimonious posters here.

The OP got him something to eat and drink. He rejected it. Homeless people are often mentally ill with addictions so probably not great at social niceties.

I heard someone on the radio saying that it was offensive to give food to beggars as it was their right to spend it on drugs, drink, whatever. Fair enough. But it is also a member of the public's right to choose to try to help them out with a sandwich. If the homeless person doesn't want it, so be it. But you certainly can't blame the person who was trying to help and as some posters on here are doing, making the OP feel guilty for having the audacity to do a generous thing.

LuckyBitches · 25/05/2016 13:11

If you really cant put yourself in his shoes, stay away from the homeless.

Pretty much most of us can't really put ourselves in the shoes of a homeless person. Should we all just 'stay away'? I'm sure that's not what they want.

A lot of harsh replies on this thread. OP I think it's great that you offered food, when most people just walk by.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 25/05/2016 13:11

If you're not comfortable giving money, perhaps add a few extras to your supermarket shop next time you do one and put them into the foodbank collection (there's usually one at our local supermarket). That way you are doing something positive which you know will be well received.

Parkthecar · 25/05/2016 13:12

I think yabu and naive.

If everyone gave homeless people food they'd be stuffed wouldn't they?

Like it or not a lot of homeless people have drug or alcohol addiction so are likely to want a fix not a snack.

Also beggars aren't always homeless.

I think if you want to help you'd be better donating to a homeless charity.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 25/05/2016 13:13

No, I'm not homeless. I'm a person who uses money to buy things, because that's what it's for.

He can't 'demand' to be paid in either cash or sandwiches, but it's stupid to think that all homeless people want sandwiches or that they might not use money like non-homeless people use it: to buy stuff.

Parkthecar · 25/05/2016 13:13

I think yabu and naive.

If everyone gave homeless people food they'd be stuffed wouldn't they?

Like it or not a lot of homeless people have drug or alcohol addiction so are likely to want a fix not a snack.

Also beggars aren't always homeless.

I think if you want to help you'd be better donating to a homeless charity.

theredjellybean · 25/05/2016 13:13

i am really shocked at some of the horrid posts on here
OP you did a lovely thing and I agree with poster up thread that said if you are reduced to begging on the streets then surely the time for dietary preferences has long gone .
I have only given money to homeless on odd accasion, recently central london, young and i mena very young man crying sat in doorway...he is someones son, so i stopped and asked if he was alright, he said no, he was scared, and didnt want to sleep on streets anymore and didnt have the money for shelter, he needed 20 pounds, i had it ...but said 'i will pay for you but i am either taking you to the shelter or waiting with you , i dont want it going on drugs'. i was surprised he was not offended and gave me shelter number, i rang them, they came and found us, i paid ( actually for a whole week ) straight to them. The young man did say as he was leaving , he might have spent the money on alcohol if i had just given him the 20 quid and left him !
Now i buy dog food for a local homeless man who has a dog...he can choose is he spends his money on drugs and alcohol and goes hungry ...his dog doesnt have a choice or say

practisingpatience · 25/05/2016 13:14

I used to be very heavily involved in community work in a very diverse city. As you say, folks on the street can be extremely complex characters.

Please don't be put off by that experience, you meant well and many people would have accepted with thanks, but you also have to remind yourself you are giving so someone can eat, not giving to gratify your own ego as a nice person. (I'm not insinuating you were) So if someone declines the offer, you really mustn't feel put out.

You had the best intentions, that's what matters.

MunchCrunch01 · 25/05/2016 13:14

I'm always using cash for my next fix of chocolate personally. Op, your intent was good. That's good enough for me. He had a right to be grumpy, you have a right to be annoyed in my opinion. Maybe you could've asked upfront if he was hungry and what he wanted to save you both the mismatch!

notamummy10 · 25/05/2016 13:14

I'm very reluctant to give the homeless money in case I'm funding their addiction but I will buy them a hot drink and some food. There's a Greggs nearby so at least I know they've had one meal. It does break my heart seeing people living on the streets

It's the ones who come up to me and ask me for money that piss me off, I can't walk into the city centre without people coming up to me. Often it's the same people who do it too, I don't think they are homeless though. Often when there's a large group of them, there's a police presence nearby to keep them from starting trouble.

spankhurst · 25/05/2016 13:14

This reminds me of an embarrassing incident from my teens. I was visiting Russia (in the 1980s) and a very kind lady helped us when we got lost in the Moscow underground. I tried to give her something (can't even recall what) as a thank you and she looked hurt and offended. I assumed that living under communism, she'd be grateful for some random Western item.
OP, you sound really kind and compassionate. You're not at fault, but I think the homeless man wasn't, either.

holidaysarenice · 25/05/2016 13:15

Most of the people on here OP who say you did the wrong thing, should have taken him to the shop, asked preferences etc - they would have just walked on by!
You tried to be nice don't dwell on the refusal

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 25/05/2016 13:16

He has a DOG??? Surely his time for having pets is 'long gone' and if he was genuinely in need he would have eaten the dog by now??

It's stupid to say that dietary requirements vanish when someone's homeless, anyway. If something gives you the shits, it won't stop doing so just because you've got nowhere to have a shit, will it?

GabsAlot · 25/05/2016 13:17

wow some posts on here are rude i dont know about anything else

should she then start giving a menu out everytime she sees a homeless person?

several charities have specifically said dont give them money they dont spend it on hostels its drink and drugs it goes on which doesnt help

as for they'll be stuffed if everyone gives them food have u ever seen a fat homeless person who says no thanks im full?

some people need to live in the real world

PrivatePike · 25/05/2016 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

38cody · 25/05/2016 13:18

Liveinalighthousewiththegost: Wouldn't. not would.

Why?
'Would you like some food' is fine
What's the issue?

PrivatePike · 25/05/2016 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NapQueen · 25/05/2016 13:20

Maybe he was a vegan coeliac

OddBoots · 25/05/2016 13:21

You did a nice thing, sorry it didn't work out how you hoped, I hope it doesn't put you off being kind in future.

I have thought about this one over the years and I don't know how I would cope being homeless and on the streets, I really don't know how much I would trust food or drink handed to me by people I don't know. The vast majority of people are being kind but there are a few people who would do something to the food or drink for some nasty trick.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 25/05/2016 13:21

No reason he might not have been a coeliac, to be fair.

Anyway, it's really simply sorted: ask if someone would like some food before you go and buy it rather than once you have done so, and then nobody can be upset or out of pocket.

RhiWrites · 25/05/2016 13:22

This is not for the OP who has said she'll do things differently from now on but for everyone saying that the homeless should be grateful for whatever they get...

Imagine you are a person on a low income and always struggling before pay day. Another mum comes up to you in the playground with a bag of food. "I know times are tough for you," she says "here's some food". You can see that the bag is full of food that you and your kids don't eat. Probably you're not going to demand dhe gives you cash instead but would you feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, would rather she had asked?

Now put yourself in the shoes of the homeless man.

Original poster

summeriscoming · 25/05/2016 13:23

No I can't really put myself in a homeless person's shoes. But who can really, honestly??? Should I just walk on by? I won't. But I will rethink my giving to homeless - and the food bank idea is a very good one.
My intent was well meant but I understand I could have executed it better.

Even though, some replies on here are a bit harsh.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/05/2016 13:24

summeriscoming This is why I prefer to support a local homeless charity rather than hand things over directly; they tend to know best about how to help, and it avoids your gift being used to support addiction

SuperFlyHigh · 25/05/2016 13:26

Would you like some food and drink and what would you like is fine? Ask them if they're OK, do they need anything else?

My SIL got friendly with a woman near where she worked. She got her a flask, sachets of coffee etc, a boiler stick you put in a mug so it boils water, wipes, deodorant, toothbrush and paste and after she spoke to me and I'd met her when I stayed over we asked anything else she said padded coat long, I saw a great deal in a catalogue about £40 split cost with SIL gave it to woman who was very pleased. Don't know if sil sees her now i only saw her twice. Not a stealth boast either.

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