To wonder who this men are then?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking . More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

[whattheseithakasmean]

When my mum cheated on my dad (shock horror, women can be immoral sexual incontinents too) and finally left him, he was having to beat women off with a stick - they were throwing themselves at him. So don't kid yourself that only men can be sleazes & cheats, or it is a male phenomenon.

My DH is not a liar. Neither was my dad. One of my friends, much as like her, is, and has cheated on her partner. So I guess my life experience is different to the OPs as the cheats I have known in my life have been women and the moral, decent ones have been men. But I suspect this will be ignored as my life experience doesn't reflect the Mumsnet narrative so must be wrong.

[whattheseithakasmean]

Funnily enough, my mum uses that Germain Greer quote AnyFucker used about women not knowing how much men hate them. I think she uses it to excuse her behaviour. It doesn't.

[pocketsaviour]

OP I'm sorry if you were upset by my request for stats. I'm an analyst by trade and trained to break down assertions into factual statements with logical proofs. I am not doubting your assertions that married men hit on you; I've had more approaches from supposedly faithful men than I could count on 2 hands, certainly.

AIBU is generally light-hearted so maybe post in Relationships if you are feeling vulnerable.

[pocketsaviour]

One particularly good hearted fellow offered to put my phone number up on the toilet wall of all the pubs in the locality if I let his wife know the kind of messages he had been sending me as I told him I would if he didn't stop

Just seen this. If you still have the conversation logs I'd log it with 101 and THEN tell the cunt's wife, and include a screenshot of that. Be prepared to let go of the friendship though - shoot the messenger and all that.

[PestilentialCat]

I've had approaches from a couple of men who know my marriage is rather dicky at the moment. One is the husband of a friend; the other a friend of my husband's.

[Smooshface]

I saw the same thing when I was last single (a long time ago), bunch of my male friends had been waiting to make very clumsy advances, one of which wouldn't leave me alone after I got a boyfriend and had to lock myself in bedroom that night at party for fear he would invade room, thankfully he didn't try. I would honestly consider lying and saying to them you already are seeing someone, for some reason they can often accept that another man may have claim over you than you actually know your own mind, tragic. The men that made advances on me were single though, but I don't know if that was just timing and if they would act that way of they weren't.

I'm hoping that you just happen to know a bad bunch, I don't think that most of the rest of my male friends would do this, mainly because they are sweet nerds!

Argh, I'm now remembering more bad things from that time, I fear you are on to something...

[MangoMoon]

When my mum cheated on my dad (shock horror, women can be immoral sexual incontinents too) and finally left him, he was having to beat women off with a stick - they were throwing themselves at him. So don't kid yourself that only men can be sleazes & cheats, or it is a male phenomenon

The OP was talking from her own, personal experience as a woman.
As were the rest of us.

Why do we have to consider & be at pains to point out that #MenMayBeAffectedByThisToo?

Why does every personal experience need to be caveated?

If a man wants to join in and say 'it happened to me too', then I would sympathise and empathise with him as well.
But they haven't.

[KittyKrap]

When I split up with someone I was dating I was contacted by a few of his married friends. They all told me that they (and their wives) would still be there for me. I was contacted by a single friend of his who told me that X was an idiot and he wished he'd asked me out first. I never had any sleazy ones but I can imagine it would happen with SOME blokes. Not all. Same as SOME women would go for a newly single guy.

[BillSykesDog]

My DH is not a liar. Neither was my dad.

Ah, but they are, whattheseithakasmean, haven't you read the thread? We just don't know it yet.

[MangoMoon]

For the stats fans, I have upwards of 200 male friends on FB (people I've been actual friend with or worked with through my life).

I have been propositioned by about 10 via messages on FB & 4 in rl.

It is a very, very tiny proportion of my male friends but more than enough to make me feel dirty, worthless, shit and betrayed.

[MangoMoon]

An overwhelming number of my male friends contacted me in a totally normal & lovely way.

[FoggyBottom]

You know what I find interesting about this thread, the general MN party line is that women dealing with unwanted sexual attention/aggression of all kinds should be believed.......only not when it might be your husbands and relatives dishing it out though, right?

I believe you LovelyLilacWisteria - I'm a bit shocked at the flak you've received. I'm sorry about that - must make you feel even worse.

FWIW, I read your 1st post in a sort of exasperated voice in my head. I know that feeling. You're just skipping along, living your life as usual, sand then these things happen where you feel made into an object. And then feel somehow dirty & complicit in other people's sleazy actions.

And as AF says, it's a shame women join in on the woman-hating.

[FoggyBottom]

And if you're fairly permanently single (like moi) the number of men you count as platonic friends because you're also v good friends with their wives, who say "Oh if I weren't married"

No it is not flattering.

[Myusernameismyusername]

Does it matter how many men do it? Isn't one more than enough? Or that's just us women being so silly and over sensitive. I am a femal heterosexual so wouldn't know how many women do it as I am only on the receiving end of men.

You ignored the part where I said that women feel particularly vulnerable with this kind of sexual harrasment. Men are welcome to share their experiences too

[almondpudding]

I agree with MangoMoon. It does not make you feel good about yourself. It makes you feel as if there is something wrong with you.

It used to happen to me before I met DH (before existence of FB) and I generally don't have straight male friends now because I am wary of men's intentions.

Also attractive women generally know they're attractive. They don't need random men offering massages to demonstrate that.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I had a bit of this, and I'm no stunner.

Every single widowed woman I know has had this too, from colleagues, neighbours and late-husband's friends.

It wouldn't surprise me if men also get this this, but I'm not so likely to hear about it I guess.

[CaoNiMao]

I had heard about this sort of thing happening, but didn't experience it myself until my partner died. It was doubly strange (or perhaps not...) because my partner was female.

We used to drink at a certain bar. I went to the bar every night for the duration of her illness. It was more like a social club. Everyone knew each other. The night she died (THE NIGHT!) two of the men, whom I had considered friends, came onto me.

Even writing it down now, four years later, stops me cold.

[Helmetbymidnight]

I am surprised that people couldn't read the op without despairing for their sons. That seems quite an over-reaction.

IME of cheating, men and women seemed to be doing it equally in my 20s and 30s, however, in my circle of 40s/50s, it does seem to be the men who are doing it more (or getting found out more - who knows!). Please note, I said IME so I am not disrespecting your beloved/faithful fathers.

[PersonalSpace]

OP I totally understand your post. I was chatting to a friend yesterday who told me after her wedding three married men started face book messaging the single bridesmaid with suggestive messages. She had barely spoken to them at the event! And another engaged man had recently started messaging and being suggestive to her single friend. You're not wrong, there are en out there at it all the time and the wives and girlfriends are oblivious.

Also don't get why it's a crime to be attractive these days but obviously it is on MN.

[LastGirlOnTheLeft]

I can't understand why some people insist on being so offended on behalf of their nice male relatives! No one said it was ALL men...I have a lovely dad who has been a fantastic husband to my mum for over fifty years. I have nice male friends and two beautiful sons .

But that doesn't mean I am blinkered to the awful behaviour SO MANY men demonstrate towards vulnerable women. And it doesn't mean I will dismiss it either.

[MissMargie]

You could call the home phone number and innocently thank the couple for their kind concern and say you aren't up to going out much yet or similar. Rather than entirely let the man (or woman) off.

[DannyFishcharge]

I had the same as soon as I was single! Married men are the worst.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

There are a great many smug marrieds who are only able to remain smug because their single/divorced, and occasionally married, female friends don't disillusion them by telling about the 'come-ons' their oh- so- do devoted husbands are making. None of these men have the slightest intention of leaving their wives, but neither do they see it as a requirement of a happy marriage to be faithful.

[HazelBite]

A good friend of mine has become estranged with her sister after her BIL came on to her after she separated. He would "touch her up" every time she visited her sister (wanting a bit of support etc) in the end she only visited her sister if she knew she was on her own, which wasn't often.
After a while her sister tackled her and said that she knew that she had come on to her DH and that she never wanted to see her again!

She was also contacted (in a sleazy way) by the husbands of couples that she knew through her ex as they were primarily friends of his.

It has made her very cynical

[dimots]

I believe you OP. It happened to my MIL when she was widowed in her 50s. Suddenly her friends husband's were interested...