To wonder who this men are then?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking . More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

I do think some women really hate on other women for telling their truth regarding experiences with men, hence the attacks and victim blaming. Instead of seeing and accepting what happens out there, its a quick and easy blame game "oh you're saying "ALL" men (even if that isn't what was said) or "you're intimating you're so special that all men want you" . All to dismiss and divert from what a woman is saying about her experience. Its nasty

Its very harsh. & a reminder that you can't speak about experiences with sleazy men, not even amongst women, unless you're the right type of victim...perhaps a wronged wife or girlfriend? Who knows. I've seen male defenders fly into action here and there on MN but this has to be the worst thread for it I've seen.

What a thoroughly depressing thread!

Well, maybe I'll come to regret this but I do not believe that my DP would cheat or start suggestively messaging friends of mine who had just found themselves newly single. I also don't think he'd rape someone, even if there were no consequences.

I don't believe that most men are "worse" than most women.

I (used to) have female friends who would specifically target men who their friends were in relationships/marriages with and subtly try and manoeuvre themselves into an inappropriate relationship with the man, purely becaise he was taken. And it proved they were 'better' than the woman. They are obviously just insecure women. But I don't think all women are like this.

I think it's probably even split in men and women who are just horrible people. I don't think we should be writing off 'most' men.

becaise - hOW very French sounding. because

AyeAmarok precisely! Thank you!

I think we judge men differently to how we judge women so what a man might do and is seen as being horrible might not be the same as what a women might do

As for men cheating I think they have other options to cheat other that just an affair, do we have many male sex workers for women? do we have holiday destinations aimed at women so they can pay men to perform sex acts for them or on them? do men receive vag pics after suggesting meeting for a drink? are men sexualised by women (or society) from a young age ?

The answer to all above is no and why is that are we too afraid to try and understand why things won't change

I think there is a difference and that it is because of sexism and patriarchy – that more men just feel, whether consciously or not, they are entitled to get what they want from women.

Lovely sorry you're finding out some of your friends are married to arseholes :(. Like another poster, I wondered if maybe your ex had been stirring things up behind the scenes.

You could start posting snippets of these messages (identifying details redacted) Blackmail style, you know the Monty Python sketch? Maybe they'll stop if they know there's real risk of their wives finding out...

As for statistics, misogyny and whatnot.. I've known one actual misogynist arsehole in my life. Every other man (be they friend, family, bf) that I've known properly has been a regular, decent human being, just like the women in my life.

It's understandable if someone experiences negative things from a seemingly significant number of people that fit nicely into an easily identifiable group, that they would not trust people from that group etc.
But blanket assertions based on that, aren't actually fact when others have experiences that don't match that at all, or even have experiences to the opposite.
It's all the young sons and nephews I feel sorry for when people start talking like this too. They had no choice in being born, let alone being born male, and already the women in their life could be setting them up to think they're destined to be arseholes and cheats when they're older because "most" or "a lot of men are like that" :( self-fulfilling prophecy or what?

The good men aren't Facebook-messaging divorcées.

Block the sleazy mingers and ignore.

I never post on here but I saw this and felt bad for you having had some comments such as that you are looking for attention and think you are attractive. That isn't the point here. Single woman gets mass of unwanted and uncomfortable attention, looks for advice gets told she's basically leading men on or imagining it. You aren't. And it's not ok.

I have experienced this many times too in the same way. It's less now I deleted/blocked almost all the culprits and now don't dare be too friendly to men. I don't online date because of sleaze and I view men who talk to me with suspicion as to their intentions and just waiting for something friendly to turn smutty. I never used to be like this. It's affected my confidence.

I don't think other women like the idea that this is so common. I actually think a lot of the married men who did it to me had NO intention of actually doing anything past indulging in some fantasy where they are no longer chubby, balding and bored and were in a moment where they were back to their 20's where they are still exciting young men who can pull anyone.
I challenged a few who I considered friends 'what about your wife?' And most replied 'I'm bored'.
One went way too far and started following me. It was horrible.

What this is really about is men viewing real women, who thought they were friends or at least aquaintances, as porn. They watch porn as they are bored. They don't tell their wives they are bored. They get bored and go online and flirt. We are nothing but entertainment.

It's affected my confidence as it has made me feel so awful about how this must be MY fault. That I led them on. I don't have any slutty photos online and don't post anything flirtatious. So I don't know what it is that I do apart from think that people are kind, respectful and like me for my personality. then you feel really dirty or betrayed when someone abuses that.

It's not all men. I have friends DH's as friends and they have never done this. It's just some men. And I think their wives might know that things have gone a bit flat but don't worry too much, so the men feel like it's ok to just dip their toe in the water.
It makes me feel horrible for their wives/gf's too, in all of this there are women and children involved in these silly games and it's no wonder you now might be thinking there are no nice men. There is.

Delete and block, it's the best way. And be wary about having any private messages with a married man - if he was worried for your welfare on your own, he would invite you over to his house with his wife, not do this in secret. So the moment you get a message, the wrong way is exactly how it will go.

Yes but if I believe that misogyny in men is down to patriarchy and sexism, then I don't give up on boys or think it's a lost cause at all - I just see it as all the more important to try to counteract those forces when raising my DS and DD.

are men sexualised by women (or society) from a young age ?
What planet are you on where the answer to this is "no"?
It may be more prevalent still that girls are obviously sexualised by grown-ass adults who should know better, but I've seen more than enough questionable if not blatantly skeevy comments from grown women regarding boys barely of legal age too. Similar kind of comments some men might make regarding girls of the same age. You see it with young, conventionally attractive, male celebrities all the time.

All men are lying, cheating scumbags?

She DID NOT say this. Jeez Louise there's some projecting or something happening here.

No one is saying anything of the kind but how many men watch free porn in a regular basis? And is it so unreasonable to think that this wouldn't spill over into real life at some point? That a woman who isn't their wife may possibly make them feel attractive for a while?
Women do it too. I am positively sure of it but for some reason it isn't so creepy and uncomfortable for men to receive such attention.
As a single woman I feel vulnerable. Do men feel vulnerable?

I will share my opinion, as a single male.

Most of my mates are married or in long term relationships, quite a lot of them have kids.

I would say at least 30% of my mates who are in relationships would cheat in someway, some may kiss someone else, others would go 'all the way'.

Some would take any opportunity that arose, others would only ever do it under strict circumstances. I do think men are more likely to have a one night stand with a stranger than maybe go in to a full, sustained affair, but that's just my opinion.

I am feeling really awful after reading through this thread. Hope you are ok OP. Stay strong. And rant here. I have send this happening to me both before and after marriage with DH. I think these men just want an ego boost and that's it. They are generally very happy with the status quo in their homes and lives. At least that's my experience. I am attractive but not the really beautiful one and two of the men who tried it on me were married to women who were beyond stunning!! I was first stupefied and then extremely angry because I thought there is no way they actually want me permanently? They want to keep their wives but just something on the side to change the taste. Fuccckkkk

I would say at least 30% of my mates who are in relationships would cheat in someway, some may kiss someone else, others would go 'all the way'.

I would probably agree with that percentage.

But I think the same number of women would cheat too.

Serious projecting. All this falling back on that tired excuse - if you call out SOME men you are calling out ALL men and we're going to hang onto that like a dog with a bone, so we can live in denial of the fact that this shit with some men DOES happen. & no woman should be afraid to query and discuss it for fear that she will be scorned or disbelieved.

The most depressing thing is that women display this awful attitude to other women and are so blinded by their projection they can't even see this is precisely why such things are held as secrets, and how bad that is for women and girls

The "not ALL men..." thing is boring now. Its already been established that OP and posters didn't say that so why not RTFT instead of inventing

Ok it didn't come out right. I didn't mean to say that I wanted any of them. No. I was trying to say I never thought they were serious about me. Not that I wanted them to be serious.

we got you, Val

Thanks AF. Nice to see people like you got me. You wise lot

I agree with you Valentine it's an ego thing not something they probably would actually do, the idea is what is exciting. Unfortunately there is a real person on the other end of the ideas who might not want to be involved. It's a really gross situation

Agree with you OP, it's this happened to me after my divorce and has happened to friends of mine. I was very shocked at some of the men who tried it on with me, had been under the impression they were nice, happily married family men. Was a big eye opener. Very disappointing.

myusername
I have seen this happening elsewhere too. I could be wrong but I think it is likely that the husbands/partners of very attractive women think they have somewhat less power over their partners IYSWIM? And they try to assert it by cheating or trying to cheat. I think they feel too powerless in front of their partner so then go around trying to regain some of that lost control. Unfortunately that means if this theory is right, even the most gorgeous women cannot feel secure about their partners. Disgusting stuff

I was very shocked at some of the men who tried it on with me, had been under the impression they were nice, happily married family men. Was a big eye opener. Very disappointing

Yes choc, it is the shock at WHO tries it on that is so disheartening. The men who turned pervy on me in the year of my divorce were not at all who I'd have predicted if you'd told me ahead of time. 'x men will come on to you, y of them in completely sleazy ways, z of them married to your friends'.' The realisation that you can't spot the treacherous ones even after a lengthy acquaintance is really quite devastating.

as for men not being 'nice', well, they mostly don't need to be

That's so very true crappy. I hadn't thought of it quite like that before.