To wonder who this men are then?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking . More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

[BillSykesDog]

Okay, so if you were to go on a site where a man was insisting that all women were mercenary bitches who just used men for money you'd be fine with that?

I'm not dismissing some women have unpleasant experiences. I've had a few dodgy messages on FB, I just ignore and block.

But this thread isn't really about 'Who's had unpleasant experiences with sleazy men when newly single' is it? It's an 'All men are cheating scumbags' thread. And as a mother of boys it bothers me that they're going to go out into a world where there are apparently a lot of people who regardless of their own personal behaviour will just dismiss them as cheating nasty scum purely because they're in possession of a penis.

It's not okay to do that about either sex IMO, I'd be just as cross on my own behalf if I saw a poster dismiss all women as avaricious or devious in their interpersonal relationships too.

[AnyFucker]

OP is feeling rock bottom

Was it really necessary to shoot her down in order to defend the reputation of our own partners ?

Because, let's face it. Men (as a class) don't need much more bigging up, do they ?

[Sallystyle]

I think the truth is the OP's situation scares some people.

They are probably wondering if their husband's are the type of men to do the same.

It is quite unsettling that the OP has had men come onto her when their wives believe they are lovely and loyal and have no reason to doubt them. It is scary that these men's wives have put trust in their husband's and built a life with them while having the wool pulled over their eyes. Some have to disbelieve the OP because the truth that many of these men exist is quite scary.

That is the only reason I can make out for people being arses to the OP. Why else would you discount her experience?

[Bellyrub1980]

I've not been in this exact situation myself, but back in the day when I was single and tried internet dating, the "maybe you need a massage ;)" comment was surprisingly common, and made me want to vomit every time. And I'm not even average looking, but of a minger really.

[LastGirlOnTheLeft]

No one said it was ALL men. Why are so many people determined to downplay how awful a LOT of men can be towards women, especially when they are vulnerable? It's weird.

[Bellyrub1980]

*bit

[LadyReuleaux]

I really do think most men are actually not nice people.

As I said earlier on the thread, I didn't start out with this view (despite having an abusive dad) but after a wealth of life experience I'm more and more of this view. Yes there are genuinely nice men, but perhaps most - more than half - are of the willing to cheat or woman-hating variety, or just the selfish, unconsciously misogynist variety.

I do think very many men can be nice and appear nice in most contexts. My own exP is a lovely bloke who most people think is sweet, kind, funny and wonderful. It's just that he's also a manchild who's basically very selfish, doesn't listen, lies and bullshits to avoid responsibility, and has behaved badly towards me in various ways, including cheating. But if you met him right now you'd think "what a nice man". And you know what, I still think the nice side of him is nice! It's just that his relationship behaviour leaves a lot to be desired.

The fact that you may know lots of really nice men in apparently happy relationships does not mean they are all great really. And that story is told time and again on MN by women who are trying to cope with really difficult OHs. "Everyone thinks he's great."

[Sallystyle]

I guess this is where we use the hash tag 'not all men'

I know a lot of lovely men. I am married to one and raising three lovely young men.

Of course wonderful men exist and I don't jump on the all men are cheating scumbag threads but the OP has been treated horribly for sharing her experiences.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Er first you thought it was op showing off her itresistability, now it's all men are cheating scumbags.

I think it's an op whose been scarred by recent events and trying to work things out.

[AyeAmarok]

It was this bit that did it for me:

Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts.

And:

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

It's very goady, IMO. It basically says "all you posters who say they have good relationships, you don't. You DH is cheating/trying to cheat behind your back. You think you have a happy marriage, but you don't. So there".

Not nice. And I don't believe it's true.

[LadyReuleaux]

And Bill FGS no one has said all men are like this!

This thread is about how more men than you would expect are like this, it's a bit of a shock and it means that a lot of supposedly reliable, faithful men are actually not. Which is a worry.

For me, the thread is a timely warning to to be too flattered if I get a lot of male attention once everyone knows I've become a single mum.

[NotAnotherHarlot]

I separated from a 15 year marriage and got similar. Along with other "friends" dropping me entirely and treating me like I was going to steal their husbands. Oddly enough none of those women's husbands approached me.

I don't know whether it's partly that when you have been in a relationship for a long time you forget you've been wearing a human shield. Once it's gone you get a fierce reminder of how predatory some men are.

I started wearing a ring again on my wedding finger just to get rid of the casual come ons.

You are not alone OP. It's horrible.

[LadyReuleaux]

Urgh that should be not to be too flattered

[emilybohemia]

Bill, you're doing a character assassination and projecting lots of things onto what the OP said that she never actually said. It seems you're being deliberately inflammatory. It's not nice to kick someone when they're down, when people they thought they could trust have shown themselves to be scumbags. Her world view has been turned a bit. She's probably feeling quite alone. Big difference between questioning men you thought you knew and ALL men.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

This was my favourite saying when in my twenties:

All men are egotistical, self centred, pretentious fucking assholes, except some of them hide it better than others.

Yes, a sweeping generalisation. Sadly not one that has ever been disproved in the 25 years since.

[Aussiemum78]

Well I'm single and no one is messaging me...

must be ugly?

[Sallystyle]

It's very goady, IMO. It basically says "all you posters who say they have good relationships, you don't. You DH is cheating/trying to cheat behind your back. You think you have a happy marriage, but you don't. So there".

I didn't take it that way at all.

It's an interesting question. If lots of men who are 'happily married' are sending her messages it begs the question, how many of us are married to men who would do the same?

It's an interesting question. I am not going to get all offended by it. I don't think for one minute my husband is trying to cheat on me or likely to so her post doesn't bother me in the slightest.

[LadyReuleaux]

It's very goady, IMO. It basically says "all you posters who say they have good relationships, you don't. You DH is cheating/trying to cheat behind your back. You think you have a happy marriage, but you don't. So there".

No it isn't, it's saying it stands to reason and is statistically likely that a good proportion of women who think their relationship is happy and their man would never cheat, actually are with the same men who are doing this predatory behaviour towards single women.

Quite a few people on this thread said they knew this was the case as they knew the wife and knew she thought they were happy. And quite a few have said they wouldn't reveal all as it doesn't go well and they get the blame anyway.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Although I should have learned my lesson by now and not started a statement with "All men..."

[rritchie44]

Name and shame I say.

[IPityThePontipines]

The OP's post doesn't surprise me. I've known a few people this has happened to, back in ye olde pre social media days. It's sadly nothing new.

And yes, women flocking around a widower when the funeral has barely finished is also a fairly common occurrence, in case anyone thinks this thread is too anti-men.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Ignore the snidey posts OP. I think I know where you are coming from.

[VestalVirgin]

Well I'm single and no one is messaging me...must be ugly?

Longterm single or new single?

I think that perhaps the OP has amassed some, uh, suitors while she was married who are now all messaging her at the same time.

As a longterm single, you would be approached by one man a time, so it wouldn't seem as much.

And perhaps some of the men she knows are in their midlife crisis. Not an excuse, but perhaps an explanation.

As I said earlier on the thread, I didn't start out with this view (despite having an abusive dad) but after a wealth of life experience I'm more and more of this view. Yes there are genuinely nice men, but perhaps most - more than half - are of the willing to cheat or woman-hating variety, or just the selfish, unconsciously misogynist variety

Science says that at least in some populations, 30% of men would rape if they could get away with it.

It is unlikely that the remaining 70% of men are all saints, so an estimation that 60% of men are not really all that nice seems plausible.

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

Why is it we are so afraid to confront men's behaviour

Do we fear thr men in our lives could be one of these men, our partners, fathers (certainly is in my case), brothers (sadly like father like son) our sons

The more we ignore that many many men treat women with little repeat the less things will change

I judge on someone's actions and sadly far too many men have been disappointing

[OrangesandLemonsNow]

And yes, women flocking around a widower when the funeral has barely finished is also a fairly common occurrence, in case anyone thinks this thread is too anti-men.

It certainly does.