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AIBU?

To wonder who this men are then?

248 replies

LovelyLilacWisteria · 22/05/2016 17:33

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL Smile

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking Hmm. More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

OP posts:
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BoccadiLupa · 23/05/2016 10:44

When I split up with my ex this didn't happen to me once, at all. I met my now DP through work. Damn it, I'm boring, amn't I...

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derxa · 23/05/2016 10:56

Some men are opportunists. They just try their luck and move on if rejected. Some women are like this as well but far fewer in numbers possibly. What I don't get is all this hand wringing and wailing.
Wasn't it ever thus? Despite 1000s of years of 'civilisation' primal urges are only just beneath the surface.

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derxa · 23/05/2016 10:58

I'm completely sympathetic to you LovelyLilac though. The whole thing sounds a pain in the arse.

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isthismylifenow · 23/05/2016 11:07

Yes I am with you OP. I have found the same. Been single for 5 months, have had 4 massage offers so far and one dick pick. Also spent a night with a man who claimed was separated only to find out after that he wasn't. He did offer a massage early on in the evening, to which I just realized now, never materialized.

Every single one of these men are married!

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isthismylifenow · 23/05/2016 11:08

Apologies, that was an awful autocorrect.

I didn't do a dick pick..... I received a dick pic Wink

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LurcioAgain · 23/05/2016 11:13

My sympathies LovelyLilac. I went through a phase about 10 years ago where a number of my long standing male friends had midlife crises which took the form of coming on to me via electronic media. It got to the stage where if I got a friend request from a man I hadn't seen for a decade or so, I would immediately start the mental countdown to the "my wife doesn't understand me" message. As Mango says, it's not all men (round 5% sounds about right) but a large enough number that you feel a bit soiled.

And it is not about my attractiveness, or plain-but-desperate status (no intention of divulging which, and in any case it's not relevant) - it's about them. These were often men who hadn't seen me since I was in my twenties and had no idea as to whether I'd aged well or not. They were just chancing their arm, and I happened to be a convenient target. It was their sleaziness and my perceived convenience driving their behaviour, not even any genuine desire for me as a person (which is partly why it's so damn sleazy as a piece of behaviour).

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isthismylifenow · 23/05/2016 11:22

Lurcio and Lovely, I have also thought about this quite a lot recently, as it has affected me too. When you say they are going through mid life crisis, I really and truly think that they are in that zone, send the message/friend request etc, just to see the response, to see if they still 'have it' or can still 'pull'.

Its all about their ego and nothing about wanting to know how you are doing, coping etc.

Quite a few friends have asked me why I haven't changed my marital status on Facebook, and this is one of the reasons why.

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Ripeberry · 23/05/2016 11:29

Sounds like you are being stalked! Take screenshots of every message and pass onto the police.

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isthismylifenow · 23/05/2016 11:37

Take screenshots of every message and pass onto the police.

Really? Hmm

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littleGreenDragon · 23/05/2016 12:04

I knew it was a know phenomenon with widowed - for both sexes seen it in my family.

I supposed I shouldn't be surprised it also happens to divorcees.

It won't be all men - but I can image it would be surprising about who.

I do wonder if technology has made it easier - easier to claim intent was misunderstood, easier to fish for potential candidates perhaps even making the approach easier - you can't see the disgust via a screen as easily. So I think the minority of dick heads are just more visible to more people - but then I haven't been deceived by my DH and I haven't had to deal with anything like this so I could just be comfortable in my ignorance.

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WeeHelena · 23/05/2016 12:10

It's sad but I'm always suspicious of a man's intentions when you start getting friendly messages out the blue.
I tend to be standardly friendly and when I don't bite their little hints they get bored and disappear. Some I ignore completely.

It has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive a person is and everything to do with orportunistic men.

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RiceCrispieTreats · 23/05/2016 13:05

This happened to me once, along with the whole "My wife doesn't understand me" crap. I was pretty disappointed in the man in question; I'd taken him to be a good sort and his partner was lovely.

Shortly after, he dumped her and moved in with a girl half his age. In terms of timeline, he'd clearly been sleazing on both of us at the same time, and who knows who else.

It's really about weak married men unhappy with their lives, and who think sleeping with another woman will fill the void within.

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dimots · 23/05/2016 13:21

I'm not sure 'women do it too'. Yes women do tend to flock round recently widowed or divorced men, but most of these don't tend to be married women. And I don't think there are as many unsolicited vagina pics

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DoorToTheRiver · 23/05/2016 13:34

I think it's very true many otherwise decent men will cheat if they get the chance.

I'm not easily shocked but have heard/encountered plenty of sexual remarks/gestures by married men that I had considered decent which have considerably overstepped the mark.

Loads of threads in Relationships where the OP discovers her DH cheating express total shock 'he's not the type'

If you're still reading OP some of the comments on here to you are appallingly. I hope you are ok.

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EnthusiasmDisturbed · 23/05/2016 13:48

I don't necessarily believe Chris Rock's quote men are only as faithful as their options allow them to be but I do think more men are unfaithful

And it's not always because the relationship is going through a bad patch or they miss sex and intimacy. The opportunity is there and it is exciting. I have been unfaithful myself for those very reasons (I wasn't married had a child then) but I have grown up since then but I have known many men to still be like this into their 50's

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flippinada · 23/05/2016 13:51

LovelyLilac really sorry you've had quite so many nasty comments on here.

This has happened to me too and its nothing to do with being some sort of siren.

I remember many years ago posting on here (MN I mean) about a man I'd been on a date with who wouldn't leave me alone and had a similar reaction from some posters. It's not nice.

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ricketytickety · 23/05/2016 14:37

Are these men actually that nice in their public lives? The ones that I've had come on to me at inappropriate times and who were partnered up when I looked at them through my now non-rose tinted glasses they weren't actually that nice. As in they were a bit flirty, letchy or tempremental. It was only that I noticed it after they'd done something a bit letchy - before hand I just saw them as 'normal', everyday people. After I saw other little signs of what they were really like.

Thankfully now partnered up with someone I really don't think would do that sort of thing. Partly because if I see any letchiness I run the other way. No matter how small the sign - a comment/look/joke etc.

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KittyKrap · 23/05/2016 18:06

Taking a rough group, DH, his friend and his colleague. His friend would comment on women he found attractive but would never cheat, his colleague would actively chase women, getting a ban from one site due to the receptionist putting a complaint in, he is quite proud of his 18 month affair which he explained to his wife by being a 'woman who was obsessed with him'. This man is on FB being all lovey dovey but is a total cockwomble. DH is shocked by their discussions but I'm not naive, if Helena Christianson came to the door with a toilet problem he'd be straight around to help, and he's not a plumber. For some men, any hole is a goal. However good you scrub up.

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Givepeasachance · 23/05/2016 21:02

Are these men actually that nice in their public lives? The ones that I've had come on to me at inappropriate times and who were partnered up when I looked at them through my now non-rose tinted glasses they weren't actually that nice.

I agree. You can spot them a mile off once you have experienced the type. They all follow a similar pattern in the way they speak and interact with you. Their tactics must work though, someone must be falling for it, otherwise they wouldn't all do the same thing, which is rather depressing.

I find they move on rather quickly so it's certainly not some kind of actual affection Grin

Despite all the #whataboutthewomen posts, I am absolutely prepared to say that more men are arseholes in this respect than women.

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/05/2016 18:02

So not all men. How about a vast majority?

A vast majority of men would cheat, given the chance, and often they try to make their own chances.

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Zaurak · 24/05/2016 19:09

I believe you, op.

I've had three 'old friends' mainly from my uni days contact me in the week before their own weddings basically asking if I fancied a shag. I was really shocked. And saddened.

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ateapotandacake · 24/05/2016 19:23

This happened to me! Not middle aged men, younger ones. Split from ex-p after 9 years. His best 2 friends, several guys from school, few blokes I'd worked with and friends and partners of friends all approached at some point. Initially I was flattered but then I caught on. It was really really strange. As though they'd been holding candles for me for years, silently, biding their time.
Men are odd. Not all of them, but lots of them!

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ateapotandacake · 24/05/2016 19:24

AND one I had held a massive candle for contacted me desperate to meet then two weeks later announced he and his DP were expecting. Hmm

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