To wonder who this men are then?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking . More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

[Givepeasachance]

Yes to pp, it was mainly ex's friends who dived in there.
Wtf that means about these men is even more puzzling....no loyalty to friends AND wives?!!

Grim.

[LadyReuleaux]

I don't understand the cock shots!

I've heard a lot about this and I cannot see why men think this is a good idea. Maybe, just, if you're shagging him already and he knows you just love looking at his cock .

But unsolicited, as a come-on? Bleurgh!

I'm separating from STBX at the moment and I'll admit there may be a point when I would fancy no-strings sex (as I don't want a relationship). Even then, why would I want to be sent a cock shot?! It's not as if they look nice!

[MangoMoon]

I made this meme & put it on my FB by the way, to really get the message out there that it's not ok to send me pictures of your erect penis....

[CarpetDiem]

YABU.

[MangoMoon]

I did laugh though when I was sent this dick pic by one of my friends:

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Really CarpetDiem, that's all you've got to say? No expansion, no explanation, nothing? And I don't think she is.

[biddleyboo]

I'm kind of with op on this one. I very much kept my marriage break up to myself, but some male friends I'd known for donkeys years suddenly became predators when they found out. The unsolicited dick pics were .
However in fairness it wasn't all of them and some were single, so as ever all men can't be tarred with the same brush. It did open my eyes though and I am wary now of people's motives. Shrug, life lessons are never wasted!!

[NameChanger22]

I have had the same experience as the OP.

I've been single for many years now. Most of my friend's partners have told me they would prefer to be with me than their partners. Luckily I don't like men anymore so I'm not going to take them up on their offers. I don't have the heart to tell my friends what their partners are really like, I don't think people really want to know.

I'm not gorgeous either, maybe just slightly better looking than most of my friends. It's probably not about looks anyway, just about men getting bored with what they have.

And when you refuse them, they seem to get really angry. They must think that single mums must be desperate to get their hands on a man, any man. So when you're not interested it's a huge blow to their ego.

Being a single parent gives you an understanding of what most men are really like. It's a real enlightenment. I am glad I know the truth. Every day I am so thankful I have to means to live alone.

[AyeAmarok]

It does sound a bit like you're revelling in the fact that all these wonderful loyal husbands just cannot resist you over their wives.

Maybe just start ignoring these men.

[MorrisZapp]

I've never been in your situation but as a life long reader of character driven fiction, I believe it's pretty much standard. I am led to believe that widowhood shakes out even more chancers than separation does too.

[ManonCrempog]

I'm not attractive but I have noticed this too. It's nothing to do with me- I think some people just think fb flirting is okay. Which it isn't.
I once challenged one of the men and he said, "Well, I thought you'd be feeling a bit insecure after splitting up with your H, so I just wanted to give you a boost."

This isn't by any stretch all married men though, only a few. And it's never the single men I fancy either!

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

No it doesn't. Because I simply am not. Sorry to have brought it to your attention if you don't want to have to consider such a thing, none so deaf as those that won't hear I suppose but I am not taking responsibility for sleazy men an being accused of enjoying it.

Seemingly many on the thread have had the same experience. It sounds strange but that's quite comforting to me to not feel on my own. Those kinds of messages have the effect of making ME feel as though I have done something wrong, a bit dirty, even though rationally I know I haven't.

[LadyReuleaux]

More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off.

I really don't think OP is revelling in it at all. She's talking about some sleazy, cliched, cheating and often downright misogynist behaviour and the fact that she's mentioning it does not have to mean she's really saying "ooh get me, these men prefer me to their wives". Who wants to be wanted by men like that? Yeeeuuuch.

It puts me right off in fact. As I'm newly single I have been thinking about whether I want to bother with men, whether I'll want sex etc. But the thought of dealing with this lot is just depressing.

She's actually also asking a v interesting and valid question which is why are so many men like this? And if men who their wives think are lovely, faithful nice blokes are like this, what does that mean for women in general who think we have solid, faithful men?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

Thank you lady that was exactly my intention. And I am going to tell you why I was driven to post it. Someone from years ago got in touch with me and this one actually seemed lovely and on the level, so I agreed to a date, arranged child care, made plans, did some digging - he is married with kids. Final straw really on top of all the others.

[Psycobabble]

I don't think op is revelling in it at all

Iv had this the odd time when single from men I know have partners . It's just fkin awkward . Oh wow you fancy me please let me fall at your feet you complete sleaze who would cheat on your partner who is obviously so self assured in your prowess that you have absolutely no fear around the fact I could simply screenshot your gross messages for the world to see. Please .

However all men are not like this !!

I have married / serious relationship male friends who have never ever changed in their behaviour towards me when I became single ( in the past have dp now) and without sounding a total twat I think I scrub up quite well!

I know married men who's wife's are their world and I don't think they'd ever cheat ( at least they never ever show any behaviour that they would)

I think my dp is a good man who wouldn't cheat. I never thought that about my ex or the one before him ( they proved me right) so am not generally very trusting !!

All I will say is don't take Facebook posts of nice meals etc to equal happy relationship these things are often very cleverly posted to make things look perfect when Infact things are far from perfect !!

[StrangeLookingParasite]

It does sound a bit like you're revelling in the fact that all these wonderful loyal husbands just cannot resist you over their wives.

I am not seeing this at all - where do you get this part from?

[BillSykesDog]

All this 'where are these decent men' and the implication that all men are cheaters and even if you think you're husband/brother friends/father aren't that's just because you don't know yet: this is just the reverse of the old 'All women are really sluts' trope isn't it?

It's really hard sometimes as the mother of three boys, to see a load of women rush to unquestioningly brand their entire sex cheating bastards. Let alone my husband/brothers/BILS/father/grandfather/FILS/friends who are blameless. In fact the only person amongst my close friends or extended family that are cheats are one of DHs aunt's husband and one of my SILs.

But I suppose they're all at it and just haven't been caught. Or perhaps they just haven't met the Helen of Troyesque OP yet who apparently inspires a universal loss of sexual continence.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Op is not revelling in it- on the contrary it sounds like it's really knocked her faith in 'man'kind.

Op I don't think all men are like this but yeah it's clearly more widespread than we'd like to think.

I haven't experienced what you have but two married exes got into contact in FB this year and it seemed obvious to me that they were chancing their arm. Made me feel sad.

[Helmetbymidnight]

They weren't married when I was with them!

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

More bullshit Bill? Are you even reading the thread full of accounts of similar experiences, some much worse than mine?

[derxa]

,

[pocketsaviour]

Can you give us some numbers please, OP?

How many straight men - married or single - are you friends with on facebook?
How many messages have you received from male friends since changing your relationship status publicly on FB?
Of these, exactly what proportion have asked for sex? (If you're not good at percentages, just post the numbers and we'll all help.)
And of those, how many exactly started with offering you a massage? (You said "invariably" but unless you regularly post about back/neck pain, I doubt it's 100%.)

Please hurry with stats as the Daily Mail will undoubtedly want to post a well-rounded piece this time, and the clock is ticking for the Femail deadline.

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

No I can't. Why should I?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

Oh you're suggesting I am trying to get in the DM?