To wonder who this men are then?

[LovelyLilacWisteria]

I am a long term MNetter, around four years at least. I have name changed because I don't want this to follow me around the boards and I know some MNetters in RL

I am have fairly recently split from a H, have children. I can be attractive-ish, scrub up well, dog rough on the school run and most days in fact, so I am not blowing my own trumpet here.

Since the news got out that I am single, I have received regularly - at least fortnightly - messages from various men I have known over my life time, through work, school, in my social circle etc all of them checking up on me and wanting to find out how I am and how they thought they would just drop me a line to see where life has taken me. Nice enough. Without fail though within a matter of a few weeks/messages these men have tried to push the messages/contact to become inappropriate. This almost always begins in the form of offering me a massage whenever I express that I have been busy or am tired. It is literally like ticking a bingo card, so much so that I have purposely said it and sure enough within a few messages the massage offer comes - it is seemingly the approach of choice for middle aged married men, one that they can push on with if I show interest or stop in its tracks if I tell them its inappropriate i.e. I am being touchy and reading too much into their kind offer or they are joking . More often than not once challenged, they become huffy and borderline aggressive, with one even insulting me and telling me to fuck off. This was a man who had repeatedly offered to call in while going to meetings in my area despite zero interest or acknowledgement from me. If I don't challenge them the messages tend to become more and more suggestive in tone with some actually really shocking ones sometimes - usually late at night.

So what I am wondering is, who are these men? Here on MN there seem to be a lot of women claiming to be happily married or with lovely men and that the majority of men are decent sorts. On FB the same men that are messaging me are splashed all over it with posting about holidays they are on, meals they are going out for, how happy they are etc, photos of them smiling and hugging their wives etc. In RL my married friends also claim the same, when some of THEIR husbands have been the ones who are messaging me! One is even married to a relative.....

So if most men are decent and almost ALL of you and my friends in RL are married to decent, faithful ones, who are these men messaging me in this way?

[GabsAlot]

so all your friends DH are messaging you and suggesting you cheat with them?

[GarlicShake]

it stopped literally the day I posted a picture of me with my bf

!!! It could hardly be any clearer that they see women as belonging to their men, could it? If you aren't "taken" you're up for grabs, but hands off another man's property

Blimey.

[WiseToTheLies]

When I ended a long term relationship about 15 years ago, it was my ex's male friends who tried it on (all married), not the husbands of my friends, (well, the ex-husband of my ex-friend did). The ex's friends all started ringing or popping round 'to chat'). I got the impression that they thought I was no longer having sex and therefore desperate for a shag. They think we're like them in that respect. As I was young and hadnt had children, they were also looking to 'jump ship' in some instances as they were tired of family life. Very sad. Would never happen now Im old I dont think.

[ZestyDragon]

There was a phase in my early 30s when a number of married/attached men made an approach. It shocked me at the time. I was single and these guys must have thought I would be up for it. Honestly, it really shocked me and made me realise how willing some people are to cheat if given a chance. I felt very naïve. I never said anything to their wives though even though I should have - but I figured in a small town it could get nasty and I didn't need the hassle.

[HolesInTheFloor]

It's fucking depressing op. I recently sadly split with dh after 10 years and 2 kids together. Since school I've had a really close male friend, he was usher at my wedding, I'm now great friends with his wife and godmother to his daughter. Two fucking days after I moved out of my family home and I was an absolute mess he turned up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine and an offer of a fucking massage. Me declining him resulted in him calling me a fucking slag and that I wouldn't get a better offer. He then told his wife I hit on him and should never contact them again.

[Hassled]

I used to be married to a man who was the decent, loyal, honest, faithful sort. I believed that right up until the moment he told me he'd been having an affair. Now I'm married to a man who is also a decent, loyal, honest, faithful sort - and yes, I genuinely believe he is. But I'll never be 100% on that - I'll never say "my husband would never cheat" - and that's actually really sad. Probably also really unfair on DH. But once you've seen a decent man cheat, you lose your innocence forever.

I've no idea what my point is except that this is a really depressing thread.

[AcrossthePond55]

They do it because, you know, now that your STBX isn't there to 'keep you happy, you must just be gagging for it. [Vom emoji] It's not all men, but it certainly is some of them. Perhaps you just have a fair share of them in your circle.

I've also seen similar when older gentlemen are widowed. The widows and divorcees in the neighbourhood seem to flock around them to 'keep them from feeling lonely'.

[AnyFucker]

woah !

what's with the victim blaming on this thread ?

[SavageBeauty73]

I left my husband 10 months and I was shocked at the amount of male friends sending me texts and messages on FB!

Some single, some married. Vile.

[dodobookends]

A depressing thread and yes, it does happen. The next stage is when suddenly you start to find that a lot of your female friends/neighbours start giving you a wide berth. Whether they think that now you are single you will try to pinch their DP; or they've noticed something in their DP's behaviour I don't know, but suddenly they become very possessive of their man.

[roundaboutthetown]

Has your ex- H been telling all your friends' husbands that you are sex mad and up for anything, OP?...

[EnthusiasmDisturbed]

I have found in the past that when I have felt vulnerable (usually down to relationships) I was more attractive to some men and would get similar offers

a vulnerable woman that needs to be saved (or fucked) similar way in that some women find bad boys appealing

Lots of married people are unfaithful

[MistressDeeCee]

It happened to me when I split up with OH years ago. Male friends of his, partners of mutual female friends, etc

Of course this shit happens. Men try it on, see if they can push your boundaries if you give them an inch, the sharks are on you. I must admit it was an eyeopener - certainly not a leg opener. There are a load of men who revert to creep mode when they think a woman they deem as free and lonely, is a potential hit for no strings sex and she should be damn well grateful, thank you since she;s no longer getting any. Worse when its men you never ever dreamed would behave like that

Tend to be men where butter wouldnt melt. They rely on that because they know if you speak out about their creepiness, they can deny and you will be the bitch that aimed to tempt him.

Good luck with getting the majority of women to believe in what you are saying however, OP. IME women are the ones most likely to shoot the messenger - in the head

[Cleo1303]

Happens all the time. Happened to me after my divorce and happened to a number of my friends. And yes, some of them do imply that as you are on your own you "must be gagging for it". Well, yes, maybe, but with you? No way!!!

If anyone makes a crude suggestion just say, "That's very flattering but I am a friend of your wife and you should be careful because one day someone might actually take you seriously, and you know what happened in Fatal Attraction" and laugh.

And if the cue for the massage offers is because you say you are tired, then stop telling them you are tired.

Invent a new boyfriend. Say it's early days but you hope you can introduce the new bf to him and his wife very soon. Say new bf is very good at massage.

There are all sorts of ways you can stop this kind of behaviour in its tracks if you really want to - and without getting a nasty petulant reaction.

[mumofthemonsters808]

My single friend has this problem too, it's odd in that if she passed these men in the street they would not even say hello. But they seem to think it's ok to send her inappropriate messages and most of them have partners. I'm flabbergasted when she tells me who has contacted her because I'm usually friends with them on fbook and don't hear a peep from them, maybe it's the photo of me and Dh as my profile picture that puts them off, which I'm grateful for. They are predators just waiting for her to feel lonely one day and they will pounce and be at her door.They too become shirty if she tells them something they don't want to hear.

[PeanutButterCheesecake]

I know what you mean, loads of blokes I know who are married/in relationships hit on me when I was getting divorced, including one who everyone knew (except his wife) that he was in a long term affair already. Think they just want to sleaze you while you're vulnerable, it's proper vile. I found it really shocking!! Now I'm a couple of years post-divorce it's died off completely.

I do say it's not the cheating twat I was married to that's put me off men, it's the men I've met since 😣

[Just5minswithDacre]

!!! It could hardly be any clearer that they see women as belonging to their men, could it? If you aren't "taken" you're up for grabs, but hands off another man's property

This. It feels like all cultural progress has been superficial.

[yawnandsnore]

I get this. I totally get this. What is it with the fucking back massage offer?! I've had this recently, and chatted it over with a (neutral, also single) friend, who said 'that's just something men offer, to be nice.' No, it's not. It's something men offer to test the water. And it's sleazy.

What gets me is when women are snooty to me in my singledom, or assume I'm just 'waiting for Mr Right'. 'You'll meet someone as lovely as my husband, Yawn, when you're not looking.'

Well, I'm not looking now, especially for someone like your husband, who has shown himself to me being a creep.

It's not all men. But I find myself pleasantly surprised when a bloke is normal, and they're the ones I choose as friends, and enjoy hanging out with. I'm not actually after someone else's man.

[yawnandsnore]

Cleo- why should single women have to claim to be 'owned' by another man to not want uninvited sexual advances?

Sheesh.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

Stealth boast with a nice dig at all women in relationships chucked in. A+++ for goadiness OP. Well done. Clearly you're so irresistible no man in the world can resist you. Obviously because of your lovely personality.

What a freaking bitchy post. This isn't what she said. At all.

[LadyReuleaux]

Your post does come across as "I'm sooooo gorgeous, all these men can't resist me"

Honestly OP I didn't think this at all! I thought you were just explaining you're fairly normal and not poutingly gorgeous/dressed up to the nines every day.

I also find your OP (and the people that have had the same experience) really interesting. Being on MN for 10+ years, and the things I've read about online dating, and things I've heard from friends, and what I can surmise from the men I've been in relationships with, are making me come round to the view that most men are actually not all that decent and lovely at all. I expect many of them can be when they want to be, but that a large proportion are willing to cheat and that another large subset really hate women. Not to say there aren't some 100% decent, loyal and respectful men but I don't, any more, think they are a majority. Not by a long chalk.

I know a lot of women think they are with one of the good ones. But also a hell of a lot of women say "I thought he was one of the good ones!" when he sooner or later turns out to be a cheater/financially abusive/disrespectful/manchild.

Obviously women can and do behave badly too, but I think a lot of men really do think at some deep, not necessarily always conscious level that women exist for their benefit, whether that's for housework, childcare, mothering them or sex. And they resent it and get mad when women don't agree.

[Makesomethingupyouprick]

It's not new either.

My Gran was widowed in 1958 with two children aged two (my Dad) and four. My Grandad died as a pillion passenger in a motorbike accident. My Grandad was 25, my Gran was 23.

The man riding the motorbike (who survived obviously) and was my Grandads best mate popped round a few weeks after my Grandad died to offer her 'support' with the implication being that she was in a bad way, the welfare state then wasn't what it is in now and she should consider herself lucky that someone would take her and the kids on.

[LadyReuleaux]

(Although even if you look like Scarlett Johanssen and pour yourself into a tight dress and heels every day, that wouldn't make this OK - just to be clear! But I got what you meant.)

[MangoMoon]

LovelyLilac, I know exactly what you mean.

Within the first 6 months of me separating from my husband of 15 yrs I had numerous messages from men I've known throughout my life.

Several unsolicited cock shots & one onslaught that was so bad I felt dirty, and started wondering what I was doing to encourage it (nothing btw, I haven't been out socialising & I stop returning messages when it starts seeming a bit much).

Thankfully it's all died off now - it's opportunistic sharking behaviour.
They're circling you like prey, seeing if you'll take the bait.

Horrible.

[WiseToTheLies]

Agree with PP that a lot of men seem to be under the impression that women exist to serve them and their needs and get very arsy when we dont comply.