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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok to be naked in front of your teens?

904 replies

Blackearlgrey · 22/05/2016 08:12

DP and I have always been very carefree about nakedness and as our DC (all girls) have got older I have picked up that they're no longer all totally happy about this. Recently this has come to a head with the youngest (18) saying that she really doesn't like seeing her dad wander round without clothes on. He's a bit resistant to changing his habits--he exercises every morning, then puts his sweaty gym kit in the wash, before working his way to the shower in the altogether. Our other two, who are older, are a bit more relaxed about it, in fact the oldest one says she's glad this was our practice, so that she knew from an early age what adult bodies looked like. (I can identify with that, as I didn't know until several years after I DTD for the first time!) I've been happy to try to avoid the DC seeing me without clothes on if it makes them feel uncomfortable, but AIBU to think that as this is our home, me and DP are entitled to live as we choose. NB. No nakedness in communal areas when we have house guests of course.

I'm guessing I'm going to get responses from all parts of the spectrum here, from "It's no problem, everyone in the family gets their kit off at the earliest opportunity" right the way through to "Actually, I have never seen my husband's body with the light on". But interested to see what the overall view is. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 22:21

I see people disagreeing with your opinions rather than mocking them.

I see you making statements which equate to slagging off swathes of people.

FutureGadgetsLab · 22/05/2016 22:21

Couldn't care less if you think I'm immature, my self esteem isn't bound up in what strangers online think of me.

Why are you immediately assuming she is being reasonable? Why take her side?

kitkat1968 · 22/05/2016 22:22

If he carries on despite her stating she feels uncomfortable, it feels a bit perverted

Yeah I wondered if he gets off on it.The OP needs to keep a lookout for her DD I'd say

williaminajetfighter · 22/05/2016 22:24

OP I haven't read the whole thread but I grew up in a house where StepDad was always naked. The only person it benefitted is him. Made me uncomfortable as I was getting older and traumatised my brothers who were convinced he was always getting his kit off to show off his, etc,larger than normal manhood. I had friends happen to come by when he was naked which was mortifying.

Parents should compromise on these matters. If it makes the people you live with uncomfortable I really don't think it's worth it.

MistressMerryWeather · 22/05/2016 22:26

Because an 18-year-old girl not wanting to look at her dads penis couldn't be more reasonable if she tried.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 22:28

Oh, the memories! Last time I heard someone saying "Couldn't care less what you think" they were 8 years old.

Look, whether you think it's rational or not, we live in a society where it is not the norm for men to wave their genitals around teenage girls. It's also one where the majority of teenage girls are really uncomfortable around the idea of seeing their father's genitals regularly. That may in your view be irrational, but it's a fact.

You seem to be wholly unable to assimilate the concept that a loving, caring parent is able and willing to make minor adjustments to the way they live their lives out of ordinary human consideration for their children. If you think that's emotional and irrational, so be it. But can you at least expand your mind to the extent of accepting that other people can, quite rationally, choose to deal with the people they love in a manner that is different from the way you live?

Kennington · 22/05/2016 22:32

I suppose your husband needs to be sensitive to your daughter.
But Is this a generational thing? The hippies of my parents generation of the 60s and 70s all wandered around naked at home apparently and were as keen as mustard to show the naked body as normal.
For whatever reason - I assume because of abuse - our generation is rather more puritanical.
The human body has been completely sexualised by the media. A good example was page 3. Now some forget that breasts milk producing and their main job isn't sexual.

PinguForPresident · 22/05/2016 22:35

A young woman's right no not ahve to look at a penis that she doesn't want to trumps the right for a man to impose looking at his penis on the woman.

Take all the relationships out of the question: does the woman want to see the man's penis? No. then he needs to put it away.

it's bloody sad that he has more concern for the comfort of his guests than he does for the comfort of his own daughter.

FreshHorizons · 22/05/2016 22:41

It is a very funny thread!
People wander around in the nude before they have children and when the children are small but there comes a time when they want their privacy and you accept that and wait until you are free again. It is hardly difficult.
It is nothing to do with shame or social conditioning, but merely that you want your own personal boundaries as in you give a person space and don"t stand too close when talking to them, you knock in their bedroom door before you enter and you slip on something before wandering around.
Very few people want to see their parents naked unless they are infirm and they need help showering and then they get on and do it.

dodobookends · 22/05/2016 22:53

Is anyone else thinking that the DM will have an absolute field day with this one?

PortiaCastis · 22/05/2016 22:58

dodo yes that had occured to me and The Wright stuff. Maybe the whole thing is for that very purpose

dodobookends · 22/05/2016 23:02

Portia no, I don't think that was the point of it all. Kept me entertained all day between gardening breaks though.

KindDogsTail · 22/05/2016 23:02

Future
The rest of us who can think outside the box see it for what it is

Those of us who can see outside your box, see it for what it is.

SaveSomeSpendSome · 22/05/2016 23:05

Its very odd for a father to walk around naked infront of his daughter older than 7 years.

Nobody wants to see there fathers penis.

My mother used to walk around naked infront of me in my late teens. It was something i didnt want to see and told her so. She then used to jiggle her body whenever she was naked and she saw me. She thought it was piss funny when i told her it knocked me sick to see her jiggling saggy tits and jiggling flabby belly.

I wouldnt do it to my kids

BlondieLoxie · 22/05/2016 23:07

Sorry, but I just don't think it's right. I cover up in front of my kids, youngest is six. My son isinging 13.. I have no idea what his naked body looks like! I think that's how it should be

houseeveryweekend · 22/05/2016 23:11

I think if anything this thread serves to highlight that it isnt actually a petty issue but an entrenched moral point, just because people seem to have such strong opinions on both sides. Personally i dont think nudity is always agressive or sexual in any context and so i dont believe that anyone has more of a right to not see someone nude than a person has to be nude in their privately owned space.

FreshHorizons · 22/05/2016 23:27

I thnk it highlights the fact that although my children found me embarrassing when they were teenagers, little do they know that some teens have far worse to contend with. Grin

houseeveryweekend · 22/05/2016 23:35

lol! true!!

dodobookends · 22/05/2016 23:38

All teenagers find their parents embarrassing Grin

kitkat1968 · 23/05/2016 08:05

I Am failing to see why keeping his pants on is a chore? He should be leaving them lying on the bathroom floor like a normal man (wink)

ovaryhill · 23/05/2016 08:34

I'm very aware that I may be projecting here but my father used to do the whole nude in front of me, getting changed etc
It was definitely sexual abuse as he
did it to get his kicks when he wasn't in a position to actually touch me till
later on or "accidentally" let me catch
him watching porn
My mother would have laughed it off and said it was harmless but it wasn't
I wasn't able to tell anyone about the abuse til he died so it's not always the innocent walking about nude thing , especially if he is still insistent on doing it knowing his daughter is uncomfortable, I suspect he'll move on to other things get his little thrill about exposing himself to young girls

blindsider · 23/05/2016 08:35

I'm very aware that I may be projecting here

I'll say...

AHellOfABird · 23/05/2016 08:49

Ovary, I'm sorry you had that experience. In this instance, both OP and her DH have done the naked wandering for years and now youngest is 18, she is no longer comfortable. So OP is covering up and is gojng to talk to her H about doing so too.

I very much think he should but this sounds like a very different situation to yours.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/05/2016 09:37

Kennington is right - the dad needs to be sensitive towards the daughter.

There's been talk on this thread of his 'right' to do what he wants in his own home, when it's hurting no-one - but the word that occurred to me, which should be more important, is kindness.

If a dad knows that something he is doing (something non-vital, something he could easily avoid doing) is upsetting his child, wouldn't it be kinder to listen to her and avoid that behaviour?

Who would deliberately go on upsetting their child, instead of being a bit kind to them?

corythatwas · 23/05/2016 10:04

FutureGadgetsLab Sun 22-May-16 22:13:05

"Augusta you might argue that he's an arsehole but he has no obligation to stop doing it."

Most of us do think that when you take on the role of being a parent you take on the obligation of not being an arsehole to the child. You take on the obligation of considering their comfort and their needs and their emotional wellbeing. You don't give way over everything, but you weigh them into any equation. It's like taking on a customer-facing job: you don't do that if your intention is to refuse to deal with customers.

I deal with students every day. This job doesn't mean always doing what they like, but it does mean being prepared to listen to them and being available for support whether I feel like it or not. If I hadn't felt I wanted to do that, I would not have taken that job. Once I have taken the job, I am bound by it. Same with being a parent. I can't suddenly decide I don't fancy considering dc's feelings because I don't care. I took the job.

The only difference is that I can chuck my paying job in at any time; becoming a parent otoh I have signed up to do that job until my children are old enough to fend for themselves. Part of that job is making sure that they think of their home as a place where they can relax and feel at ease, and where their viewpoints will be listened to.

I have already listed 3 perfectly logical reasons why the dd might feel uncomfortable: uncontrollable sexual associations (caused by hormones= medical), fear that a parent who does not observe the common boundaries of covering up when asked to do so might not observe other boundaries either, triggering of memories that she does not feel able to discuss.