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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
ANewIdentitytoJazzItUpABit · 22/05/2016 09:47

We need more information OP - I went through a dark dark place a few years back and long story short I was hard work for my dh. Lashing out, hateful, angry, spiteful towards him. I felt so shit and hated myself. He was the closest thing to me and he bore the brunt of it and i directed all the shit towards him. It was horrible.
In a better place now with our relationship better than before. ButI do t know how he stayed tbh looking back at it now.

CrapDIL · 22/05/2016 09:50

He sounds very, very depressed. I'm not proud of myself, but I've done the drunk crying thing when depressed and it's horrible. Ive never called DH names though.

Depression or not, that is absolutely no excuse to behave like a cunt. It doesn't matter WHAT you're going through, it doesn't give you carte blanche to act as you are the only person with thoughts and feelings.

Hope you're as OK as you can be op.

clam · 22/05/2016 09:53

Keep telling him you love him and are there for him?

Sod that! You make sure he's not dying and leave him to it. And then carry on with your life until he apologises within an inch of his life. Then monitor hims closely and analyse whether this was a one-off or if you have a serious problem on your hands.

kaitlinktm · 22/05/2016 10:07

As PP have said it all now depends on what he is like when he wakes up. If he is not utterly contrite then I would pack his or your own bags.

If he claims "not to remember" then I wouldn't be impressed either - all that nastiness and vitriol must have come from somewhere in his head. This was the excuse that my ex used to come up with - that, or "I didn't mean it - I was drunk". In fact when he upped and left some years later I realised that in fact what he said whilst drunk was really what he thought and - it was all the rest that was an act - just keeping things sweet until he could leave.

If the same is true of your H then don't waste any more of your time like I did, just kick him into touch.

ohtheholidays · 22/05/2016 10:08

I hope your alright OP,honestly his behaviour sounds like it could have turned violent I would have left.

Even if this is a one off it's not good and I would take time away from him,if this is something that has happened before then I'd be seeking a divorce.There's only so much any one can take and anyone can give before they completely lose themselves and who they were. Flowers

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 10:10

If he's still sleeping when you get up, would it be unreasonable / not advisable to get rid of all the alcohol in the house? Wouldn't want him drying to drink his hangover away today Hmm

And good grief, what a waste of a bottle of whiskey (and wine tbh, I'm sure it would have been nice in a bolognese instead of the toilet)...

In all seriousness, assuming he hasn't choked on his own vomit in his sleep in the interim, he needs to get help.
Drinking when you've been angry and stressy is really not good, and not fair on the people around you. Been on the receiving end of that before. You have my sympathies OP hugs I hope you are safe!
And if he carries on drinking today, or it happens again, call the police. And if they take him away, pack his bags for when he comes back.
You deserve much better than being treated like that.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 22/05/2016 10:14

Do you have kids? Either way I would be up and out early for the whole day and would text him to make it very clear that his behaviour was not acceptable ( and then turn phone off to avoid waiting to see if/ what he responds ruining my day). I would expect a sparkly clean house, flowers and grovelling apology at the very least upon my return.... He may well have issues, not a reason to treat you like dirt. Cake

StrangeLookingParasite · 22/05/2016 10:16

I don't even think he sounds depressed, just drunk and maudlin. Alcohol is a depressant, he's just doing what he's being told to do by the drug.
And don't tolerate this stupid, self-pitying bullshit for one second.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2016 10:17

whyiseverynameitryinuse

This should really be in relationships, not AIBU.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

re your comment:-
"I was mostly worried if he slept all night on the floor he'd be in pain tomorrow"

And why is that?. He has shown you no real consideration whatsoever; why do you feel so responsible for him perhaps even now in the cold light of day?. If you are really an evil bitch who has ruined his life then why is he still there?. He acts like this because he can and is there because it suits him. He can drink and abuse you verbally at the same time.

Many women in this type of situation end up simply enabling their alcoholic H as you are doing. I would also read up on co-dependency as you are probably co-dependent as well.

You are not responsible for him even though you think you are. You can only help your own self ultimately; you are totally under equipped to help him besides which he does not want your help.

NameChange30 · 22/05/2016 10:20

OP, please read this:
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/alcohol_and_domestic_violence.html

I suggest you contact Al Anon and Women's Aid.

notapizzaeater · 22/05/2016 10:29

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Has he been like thus before or was it a one off ?

SarahLinden · 22/05/2016 10:29

OP, if you allow this behaviour, it will get worse. I guarantee it. I've been there.

This man hates you.

Leave him or he'll grind you down to dust.

haveacupoftea · 22/05/2016 10:30

If thats how he behaves when drunk then he will have to promise not to drink again for the sake of your marriage.

If he wont, he can GTFO.

PetrolBastard · 22/05/2016 10:34

'And if he carries on drinking today, or it happens again, call the police. And if they take him away, pack his bags for when he comes back.'

Arrested for what?

If it's a one off and he is contrite, I would forgive it, reluctantly. Sometimes people lash out at the people who are closest to them when they are at breaking point.

If he has ever acted like this before, it's only a matter of time before he does it again.

APomInOz · 22/05/2016 10:39

Really mixed advice on here, no wonder the OP has left. I would like to know though, is this behaviour normal for him or a one off. I also agree that he is going through something and blaming OP by the sounds of it and he needs to talk it out. Good luck OP, hope he is humble in the morning.

Dieu · 22/05/2016 10:44

Some of the replies on here, although mainly supportive and well-meaning, are fucking aggressive. Not helpful, and it's no wonder we haven't heard back from the OP.
Hope you're okay, and if you feel up to updating us, that would be much appreciated.
Flowers

glassgarden · 22/05/2016 10:46

having seen the true colours under the veneer of self censoring
She may forgive but can she ever forget?

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 22/05/2016 10:46

Janecc - oh, he sounds incredibly unhappy does he?! Fucking DIDDUMS 🙄🙄🙄

Why on earth do people put up with this sort of shit?

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 22/05/2016 10:49

Given the op was awake at 0400 this morning, having been barricaded from her bedroom by an extraordinarily unpleasant drunk, I imagine she has other things to do this morning beyond updating MN.

Like sleeping, hopefully. Or getting herself to her mum's.

AndNowItsSeven · 22/05/2016 10:50

Probably because they love their partner and are a compassionate person.
Talk of women's Aid etc are over the top. Yes he behaved very badly, yes he needs to apologise he is is also struggling a lot.

MardleBum · 22/05/2016 10:51

I agree Handsome

Fluffyears · 22/05/2016 10:51

He should be grovelling today. I'd not be happy.

YorkieDorkie · 22/05/2016 10:56

He sounds unhinged OP Sad you've done more than he deserves but it really sounds like he needs some help. Does he have any history of depression or alcohol abuse?

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 10:58

AF - I have noticed over the last week or so that the handmaidens seem to be out in force. Not sure what's going on but it's all very Stepford.

OP, it's not uncommon to have far too much to drink and make a tit of yourself and say daft things. Both DH and I have done it; but neither of us has ever done what your H did last night. In fact most of the time the drunk one is busy apologising for being a mess, whilst the sober one makes sure they have a mental catalogue of the misdeeds for the full squirm factor when debriefing the next morning..!

The fact that your H kept returning to the theme of you being the root of all of his problems, suggests that there is an issue here. In vino veritas and all that. I'd be sitting him down and asking him for a full and frank conversation, because getting drunk and repeatedly calling you an evil bitch - whilst you are trying to look after him - is horrid behaviour.

DaintySong · 22/05/2016 11:03

Is there nothing else? Sounds like he might have heard something bad about his wife...?