To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

[Whyiseverynameitryinuse]

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

Alcohol is a depressive so for me this is the start point. His promise to 'try' and change things when it comes to drinking really needs to be 'I will stop drinking' or things will never be resolved. The cycle of drinking, being angry, feeling down and then remorseful cycle really has to be broken.

Personally, I think it's a long game, OP. I'm sure none of us envy you, but it doesn't sound hopeless. It's all down to what he chooses to do next.

Best of luck.

the only think that bothers me is the statment the gp wont be any help but i'll go to counselling

well u have to go to the gp to get counselling so i dont know how thats going to work

dont do couples counselling unitl hes made an effort about his own problems firt

I'm a bloke and I say your husband is a w@nker and if you don't get out, next thing is he will be hitting you. If he does, go straight to the cops and get his violence on record and get a restraining order.
If you must stay - and be it on your own head if you do - get him to AA asap.

There's been so much conflicting advice on here that I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. I only want to say that I'm thinking of you OP and I hope you're ok. I see that he's agreed to try counselling so I hope he does that and it gets to the bottom of what's happened here. Do keep posting if you feel it's helping.

I'm a bit concerned that people are ignoring the fact that he asked for a divorce while sober. If I asked for a divorce and my theoretical husband said "Oh no sweetie, you're depressed, you need help, let's get you to the GP!" I'd ... Well I'd feel powerless and awful.

He asked for a divorce, so tell him to get on with it. He asked when he was sober so tell him to pull his finger out. Don't respond by suggesting he's mistaken or needs help. He's an adult & can help himself. Or he can grow up and stop throwing stupid threats around, if he doesn't mean it.

I have been confused by that too, coffee. He was sober when he said he wanted a divorce, and yet his behaviour since hasn't indicated that he actually wants to do anything. So it was just a threat, to make op feel shit again. I don't really think it matters whether he has mh problems, is an alcoholic (he is) or an abuser. It's a shitty thing to do and I'd be having a very serious talk with him, at the least. And yes, probably giving him what he said he wanted.

Life's too short, and hard enough, without being threatened by the person who's supposed to have your back, to love you and cherish you. How many of us would say that, even when drunk, to our spouse/partner? Especially not after a night you'd spent abusing and insulting them.

Drink or not these horrible things were said. Alcohol removes inhibitions rather than making people angry it simply reveals what is simmering under the surface. Angry or abusive people can keep a lid on things for much of the time, alcohol lets us see inside.

On the rare evening OH and I have a little too much to drink he gets overly romantic, tells me he is the luckiest man alive and how much he loves his life with me. Ends up with a giggle, and usually us both falling asleep early.
That's because my OH is a nice guy and we have a good relationship.

If my OH called me "an evil bitch who is ruining his life" that would be extremely significant, I don't believe that people lie when they are drunk, Things become magnified and are felt in a deeper and confused way, but the negativity has to come from somewhere.

It's so easy to spout the shit-talking chest bumping crap when you are sitting in front of a computer reading about someone else ain't it? "Leave him', 'I would NEVER put up with that abuse!" "He will be hitting you next!" etc etc. Yeah, yeah yeah....

It is NOT that easy to destroy the fabric of your life and start again, and I would wager that ever single one of you would take what the op has and some before throwing in the towel, so let's try starting to moderate the bollocks with a bit a realism, and help this person maybe? The guy clearly is going through a bit of a crisis right now. He needs you more than he probably ever has before. You have a decision to make - if you turn your back on him now (which you have every right to do), he would never forget that, and that would likely mortally wound your relationship. You need to decide if you want to help him (I get the feeling you do), and go in there and get him off to the GP and counselling. If he recovers, then life goes on, and he will likely never forget what you have done whe he needed you the most. As he does not have a history of this, it does not sound like he is borderline personality, or a psychopath, just someone who really needs some help right now.

If people really are that intolerant of some poor sod going through a nervous breakdown/crisis, I just find that really sad. We tie ourselves up in knots to not be racist/sexist/ageist; but we would turn on someone who we don't know, and have never met, and group-destroy him. Now he is an unstable, wife-beater in making! It does not take long for our true nature to leak around the façade does it?

It is NOT that easy to destroy the fabric of your life and start again
very true, and many people stay in relationships which, in hindsight they see that they ought to have left long before
its always a gamble, will he come good or will he just drag you down with him?

You can get private counselling without getting a referral or put on a waiting list.

You can go to Women's Aid any time, and that is probably the best and only counselling you will ever need.

PetrolBastard Tue 24-May-16 05:30:07

The irony of the LTB brigade talking about him following the script!

You guys say the same shit to every single person that posts about their relationship. Every single time.
If by same shit you mean solid advice born of experience as well as lots of counselling and reading, then absolutely. You yourself may be lucky enough never to have had a brush with the sort of person so many here are familiar with, and it may be hard for you to believe that there is a predictable script and predictable behaviour and attitudes. A little education might go a long way.
I highly recommend 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is a therapist who has run programmes for batterers for many decades. Topics covered in the book are:
The early warning signs
Nine abusive personality types
How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
The role of drugs and alcohol
What can be fixed, and what can't
How to leave a relationship safely

The only thing any woman can change about an abusive man is her own response to it. When you run into someone who has been supportive, who only wants the chance to love a man, and who for her pains gets ground underfoot, you remind yourself of the old adage that if you want the same result, then keep on doing the same thing.

I am now divorced from an abusive and mentally unwell man. Lucky me, I really know what I am talking about.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

mathanxiety, sadly your assumption is incorrect. But my experiences don't affect my ability to consider clearly the variety of difficulties others may face.

Not everyone is the same. A short description of one night of a person's marriage is not sufficient for a stranger on the internet to diagnose a divorce.

mathanxiety- I agree.

I was married to an abusive controlling husband. I was too young, naiive and unsupported to see the warning signs and get out.
He too was mentally unwell. I thought if I stayed and modified my behaviour then I could help him.
It only facilitated and validated his bad behaviour.
When he became terminally ill he became worse.
I decided that I wasn't going to stay around ant longer to be his emotional ( and by then physical) punchbag)

Terminally ill and mentally ill I had to get out for my own self preservation. I don't care what the "mitigating" factors were.

For those suggesting stay and stroke his hair- what would you advise your daughter to do in such a situation?

mathanxiety I really am glad you got out of an awful and abusive relationship. No one should be trapped and manipulated and abused.

Op has come back and told us this is a one off. Anything else is pure conjecture and projection and completely different from consistent abuse. We simply cannot know if he will ever act in this way again or not. He has agreed to go to 1-2-1 counselling, which is in stark contrast to many mentally ill people. Were this a woman, she would be applauded for taking action and facing up to her demons. I agree with Petrol strangers cannot diagnose divorce from their armchair on a once only incident.

Pearly Your situation sounded awful and I'm glad you got yourself safe.

If it were my DD (she's only 7 now), I wouldn't be advising her to leave. I would be telling her she should do what she wants: stay or leave (which is what I first said to op). He's done this once. Op isn't being subjected to daily or regular abuse as far as we can tell, she isn't a punch bag or his bitch. Yes, his emotions are fluctuating wildly and he needs help, which he has agreed to get.

If this were my DD and he didn't get the help and his behaviour continued then I would definitely be advising her he is a lost cause and the best course of action to leave. My DD has healthy self esteem and she's going to judo, which should give her some good self defence skills.

It wasn't a short description and it wasn't a description of one night.

There was a reference to what she habitually does when he is 'laying into' her and insulting her.

There were references to his parents' deaths, his early drinking and depression, an episode during a phase of idolisation when he apologised to her for drinking to excess with his brother (clearly devaluation has occurred at this point).

There was this:
"I've only seen him crying-vomitting-level drunk on one other occasion, he does drink. I'm not much of a drinker, and only ever drink socially so it's hard to say if it's a lot? He drinks a couple of beers and a glass of whisky on weekend nights, but when stressed/upset he drinks more -skips the beers, has several whiskys and puts himself to bed, sort of thing.

He has described his drinking as a self destructive impulse before, but he also just says he drinks 'so he'll sleep '.

He does have form for getting a bit angry when stressed. Not ever at me before, but muttering swears at inanimate objects that get in his way for a few hours til he calms down. He has never been at all violent toward me."
The last bit is important.This is a slow burning tantrum in which he throws his weight around and dominates the space. He doesn't have to be violent towards the OP in order to control the home. Every so often he just spends a day displaying his temper, swearing at inanimate objects. She has to guess when, and she knows he doesn't take comment afterwards with grace - she knows what he would not react well to - Pretty sure asking him to leave or showing him the thread would only make things worse, so won't be doing that.

There was the expectation of an apology from the OP, and they are now at a stalemate.

Again, the only thing that can be changed about some situations is your mental game. If you remain in thrall to optimism that somehow, something you say or do will prove to be the magic formula, then history will repeat itself.

Right now the OP is telling herself 'he doesn't hit me'. But she was horribly hurt and upset by his words, she has witnessed the tantrums, and she was left reeling by his texts from the supermarket and again by the alternating rage and commonplace questions about a counsellor. that is the opposite of a sucker punch but with the same effect - the victim is one step behind, always in the position of reacting, always on the back foot, always following the dominator's agenda and never getting to set her own.

What has been described is a very typical abusive situation and a very typical response to an abusive situation.

I would bet the farm that he doesn't behave like this at work.

OP if you are still reading. You have had a huge wake up call and are in a very difficult place.

No one on the Internet can diagnose your DH or your relationship; your DH sounds like he has some very significant issues, but however much sympathy and empathy we feel for him - and for you - you need to put your own safety and mental and physical wellbeing first. The analogy to fitting your own oxygen mask first is a good one IMO.

This thread sadly hasn't been Mumsnet at its finest, but you will find more gentle, wise advice on the relationships board. From people who have been there. It might be better to start a new thread rather than moving this one though.

Good luck with it all.

Vlad, totally agree with your post. Most people promise in their marriage vows to stay together in sickness and health and if he is ill, OP needs support not being told "I'd never put up with that, LTB"...
Finally regarding mental health not making you into an arsehole, some women murder their own children in the depths of a psychotic episode. I'm pretty sure they'd get support here. Depression manifests differently in men and women, more sadness in women and grumpiness and anger in men.
OP good luck.

Mathanxiety. I don't know if you lost a parent young. But I did. Everything and I mean everything that you are quoting in your post of 7.08 this morning I have done myself. I got help but not until several years after his death. And that didn't complete my need for counselling. This guy lost both parents young. That's catastrophic.

I have read all of the posts and I don't agree with these conclusions to his behaviour. I know that my own personal behaviour has been abusive at times. I also know that I have got the help that I needed and also have ongoing help and am in a far better emotional place than many people I see in RL. Many of us are confused and doing our best. I've got rid of much of the the angst, the pain, the hurt, the lack of acceptance......

It is so easy to dismiss others with mental health problems and I know that I have been looked at as crazy before by people, whose behaviour is also far from "perfect" whatever that means. My husband did not give up on me and because of who I have become, my young DD is grounded, emotionally stable and mature. I personally think that op right now wants to give her dh that chance as well. Life is a learning journey.

I am not trying to persuade you to my point of view as we could extrapolate different parts of texts and interpret them in very different ways. We are coming at the issue with a different view point.

I don't believe that people lie when they are drunk, Things become magnified and are felt in a deeper and confused way

I agree, pearly. I ran bars for several years. Angry/sad drunks come out with the same stuff every single time. It's what is there, under the surface, drunk or sober. Mr Why provided a neat demonstration of that by repeating his angry self next morning, while transitioning from drunk to sober, and simultaneously regaining his contrasting sober attitude.
Must have been a right old head-fuck for poor OP.

Wether or not hes got mental health issues it gives him no right to speak /treat her like that.ive been in an abusive relationship my partner was physicaly and mentally abusive .he drank and smoked drugs.it was awful.never his fault etc.i got out after a few years.op dh sounds like an abusive drunk and she needs to kick him out! Hell get worse in time.

Hell get worse over time.
He shouldn't if he gets good counselling, works hard and faces his issues. None of us can predict the future.

Garlic- certainly my experience.

Although I worded that badly- and of course drunk people do spin yarns and tell porkies, but we see the truthful essence of a person when they are drunk.

When sober people are able to carry a facade and go about their daily business in a rational cheerful fashion.

When someone is drunk we see what lies behind the facade. I don't think people change into a Hyde character when they are drunk, that Mr Hyde is there all the time.
So an angry potentially violent person will be able to hold things together when sober, but when drunk and they lose it we are simply seeing what's there all along.
If someone who is sad and depressed- yet manages to put a brave face on things when sober- gets drunk, they end up crying into their drink and become a maudlin drunk.

This is why I think the OP should tread carefully- she has seen this guy's ugly true colours, the pent up rage, the way he is blaming her.

In any case it's up to the OP if she feels she can save him.
Personally my life is too short to stay with someone who is capable of behaving like this.

If you remain in thrall to optimism that somehow, something you say or do will prove to be the magic formula, then history will repeat itself.

The whole of math's post was important. The sentence I've quoted is the distillation of how relationships become abusive, and the answer to "Why do they stay?"

There are a lot of differences between a sudden & uncharacteristic outburst and one coming after a build-up, on cycle repeat. I think OP's in the latter situation, for reasons amply explained. She might continue to minimise and hope, for a while yet. I don't think she's daft, though.