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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my drunk vomiting crying husband to it?

558 replies

Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 01:47

Husband has been in a grumpy mood (swearing at the sat nav, overreacting to annoyances) all day. This evening he drank a bottle of red wine (minus one half glass I drank) then started on the whisky.

Then he started criticising me. I figured it was mostly the drink and tried not to get drawn, just saying I didn't want to talk about now and leaving the room. Apparently he then drank another half the bottle of whisky.

Next thing I know I hear him crying in the bathroom, so I go up to see if he's ok, and end up patting his back while he throws up. I try to look after him, and then he starts laying into me calling me a 'bitch' etc. I tell him if he doesn't stop attacking me I'll leave. He says that's 'emotional blackmail', then starts insulting me and I leave. The crying starts again, so I go back up. He cries about his (deceased) parents, I hug him,comfort him, he talks about life being too hard and wanting to die. I tell him I love him, and he has lots of friends and family that love him.

Then he starts attacking me again calling me an evil bitch who's ruining his life. I told him to please stop, but he wouldn't, so I said I was leaving but if he needed me to call. He said nobody that loved him could leave him like that and it proved what a horrible person I was.

I'm downstairs but I can hear him being sick and crying. I feel awful, I don't want to leave him suffering, but I don't want to be sworn and shouted at either. I'm terrified he'll hurt himself. Am I being a terrible person staying down here til he becomes less belligerent?

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 22/05/2016 11:06

If you're sober enough to strip off your piss-sodden clothes and put them in the bath, then brush your teeth, you're sober enough to be making a conscious decision to barricade your wife out of her bedroom.

I'm sure the OP has other priorities right now other than updating the thread Hmm

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 11:15

Lynda - I agree. However I think that people are posting for (if or when) the OP comes back. Sometimes it is helpful to have reassurance that you aren't overreacting or making a fuss.

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 11:15

Arrested for what?
That's up to them if they think it necessary to intervene. It wouldn't hurt to call 101 imo. Obviously not the emergency number unless he's being violent or threatening violence, or otherwise dangerous. But 101 has been good ime for enquiries regarding things that aren't clear cut.
In any case, If he's like he was last night as OP described or worse, who knows what could happen to the OP next time. These things do escalate.
If he's stinking drunk they may ship him off to a travelodge for the night to sober up, like they do with the drunks they pick up...

Talk of women's Aid etc are over the top. Yes he behaved very badly, yes he needs to apologise he is is also struggling a lot.
If it's truly a one off, perhaps. But the OP hasn't said whether it is or not. And getting blind drunk and nasty like that, after being in an already foul mood when sober, is a red flag. Struggling or not, it's no excuse to take his inner turmoil out on his wife like that. She's not a verbal (or literal) punchbag.

BlueFolly · 22/05/2016 11:17

He sounds horrible OP, I hope you're OK.

Original poster
Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 11:22

I'm still reading replies, just struggling a bit to process. I did sleep.

Husband woke first and I've heard him in the bathroom scrubbing and cleaning, put the washing machine on and hoovering the kitchen (?! no idea what happened that needed clearing up in there).

I'm hiding in the spare room. He hasn't tried to come in, either avoiding me or thinks he's letting me sleep. I don't know how to face him, if he's angry or blames me it's going to really upset me.

To answer questions his parents deaths were not recent but when he was a young man, so I think have had a big effect on him. Hes told me he was depressed and drank too much but got help back then.

We've been married less than a year, and dated for 3 before that.

He has never done this before. He once (2 years ago?) got really drunk when we were at his brothers (and they had been egging each other on to drink) and was sick, and cried about missing his parents, but he wasn't at all nasty to me, and even said I shouldn't have to deal with that etc, and was apologetic in the morning.

We have no kids, we were ttc (and having issues). We're also trying to move to a bigger house, and I know he's stressing about how we will cope with a bigger mortgage etc. (He wants to move to our 'family home' before we have kids, I feel there's no urgency as we have a 2 bed so room for one child and I'm not even pregnant yet - but then he looks at houses and talks about what our hypothetical future teenage kids would have to do, so he's definitely more of a forward planner than me).

I hope I'm not a doormat, him talking about wanting to die really worried/upset me. I think he's been a total arse, but I love him and until this happened thought the feeling was mutual. Now I don't now how I feel.

I have to stop cowardly hiding here now.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 22/05/2016 11:25

Dainty what on earth do you mean?

StealthPolarBear · 22/05/2016 11:26

Let him male the first move.

CoraPirbright · 22/05/2016 11:29

Flowers for you OP. Can you go out for the day? Get some space & release the tension?

StealthPolarBear · 22/05/2016 11:31

And tbh I'm thinking you should cut your losses.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 22/05/2016 11:32

Whatever he says, you have to be clear that it was not ok and can't happen again. If he is cleaning up he probably knows this but needs to hear it clearly from you. Have a long shower, that will give h the opportunity to hear you are up and make the first move.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 11:33

My advice would be to stiffen your spine and come out of the spare room. The attitude to adopt is brisk, breezy and disinterested. YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

If the first words out of his mouth aren't a grovelling apology then you need to make it clear to him that you are pissed off with him, that he acted like a twat and that he needs to explain what the fuck is going on to prompt this kind of behaviour. If he tries to minimise or push this on you, then you need to have a serious think about your future with this man.

Boogers · 22/05/2016 11:34

Hi OP, glad you came back Smile

First and foremost you need to talk to him and he needs to be told everything that happened last night with you filling in all the blanks. You say this has never happened before, does he usually get down when he drinks?

A lot of posters on here will strongly disagree with this but he needs professional help if he's talking about wanting to die. Would he open up to you about why he said that? Would he open up to you about all the other things he said and did last night? Are you in a place where you care or are you still in shock from the brutality of what he said to you?

babyboomersrock · 22/05/2016 11:39

We have no kids, we were ttc (and having issues)

Whatever happens today, OP, please put those plans on hold. Give yourself a lot of time to think about what has happened and about how the future might look.

Above all, stop thinking about his needs for a while and consider your own. Take care Flowers

Original poster
Whyiseverynameitryinuse · 22/05/2016 11:41

Well that went well. He was in the kitchen, blanked me when I walked in to get my breakfast, then when I asked how he was he claimed I laughed at him while he was upset last night. I said I didn't, I said I had tried to help him and he'd just laid into me. He said I was an unpleasant person and he wants a divorce. I left the room.

I know I should probably feel divorce is a good thing after his being so horrible but I just feel utterly crushed.

OP posts:
upthegardenpath · 22/05/2016 11:43

Hello Op, I hope things are moving in the right direction...
My biggest concern would be that if he has unresolved issues and can't handle his alcohol or the issues, this may become a pattern of behaviour that will repeat itself.
And I know you are tic, but imagine having this sort of scenario like last night, when you've got kids about.
I wouldn't want children to see their dad like that or taking to they mum the way he talked to you.
He needs to sort himself out, or he cannot have a future as a decent, responsible adult and possibly father, some day.
Good luck Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 22/05/2016 11:43

So he was angry all of yesterday, including before he started drinking?
What's he usually like?

upthegardenpath · 22/05/2016 11:44

Sorry X post - didn't see your last post OP. That's not good Sad but maybe a necessary step now.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 11:45

Yes, definitely see it as a good thing, better now than a few more years and a couple of kids down the line

I was going to say earlier that his reaction today would tell you which way to jump - and it has

Boogers · 22/05/2016 11:46

Wow OP, I take that back. Fuck him.

Do you have anywhere you can go today to get away from him?

silverpenny · 22/05/2016 11:49

He says he wants a divorce. Tbh op sounds like the best option in the end? Please don't spend your your life walking on egg shells in fear of "upsetting someone" and as someone said whatever happens put the ttc on hold. Imagine if the above happened if you had had a small baby in the house

kaitlinktm · 22/05/2016 11:50

I don't know about you and I don't know if this is the legally savvy thing to do, but in your shoes I would clear off to relatives at least for the day (or night too). He has behaved abominably and HE thinks he is ill-done-to. FFS you were nothing but supportive and he accuses you of laughing at him - as if his drink-sodden memory is likely to be accurate.

I would feel inclined to write him an account of what happened through your (sober) eyes (use your posts on here as guidance) - but certainly I would keep your dignity and, if he wants a divorce, oblige him.

I am so sorry it has turned out this way OP Flowers

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 22/05/2016 11:54

OP just remember. Last night, he 'wasn't there' but you were. And he won't trust your side of events and won't accept your word on how it happened.
To me, that would hurt me more than him using the D word.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 11:54

OK, big girl pants on. If he is going to act like a knob and rewrite history to invent things that haven't happen, then you need to put a brave face on it.

It sounds as if he is expecting you to crumble, to cry and beg and plead. DO NOT DO THIS. If he is nasty enough to invent shit that hasn't happened, then you need to be aware that he is not the person you thought he was. My bet is that he has decided he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and that the TTC has brought things to a head. Instead of acting like a grown-up he's being an arsehole and pushing it on to you to make it your fault.

He wants a divorce - fine. Be matter of fact and ask him how he wants to do this; is he going to get a solicitor? Who is going to move out? How are you going to split your possessions? Don't get drawn into discussions about who said what. If he starts on inventing bullshit stories, then be very polite and just say 'That didn't happen and I am not going to discuss this with you.' and change the subject. If you need to rant and scream and cry then do it on here or with trusted friends only.

Good luck - and although it probably doesn't feel like it right now, you've had a lucky escape. No kids so no ties and you can walk away from this idiot and find someone who actually cares about you.

Peridotisinvalid · 22/05/2016 11:56

I think he's ill. That's not making excuses, it's just an opinion. It's not as if he makes a habit of getting drunk and being abusive. I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

MardleBum · 22/05/2016 11:56

Bloody hell. I didn't expect that.

He's feeling sorry for himself because you didn't pander to him enough. He remembers the bits where he cried and said how unhappy he was and the bit where you walked away and left him to wallow in his own vomit and piss and self pity.

He's forgetting the bits where you were happy to comfort him up until he called you a bitch and blamed you for ruining his life, based on nothing at all.

He will change his mind once he thinks he's punished you enough for not being sympathetic enough but I think you need to think very carefully indeed about where you go from here. Thank God you are not yet PG. I think you may have just dodged dodged a bullet.