Janecc -- I did not lose a parent young, but I have a family of cousins who lost both parents to cancer within three years of each other. The youngest was five and the first parent to die was diagnosed a few weeks after he was born. They were 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15... (ten children in all, large Irish family). None of them is an abusive drunk. Or even a drunk. They are not unscathed, but they have carved out solid family lives for themselves (youngest now mid 40's) and have a great, loving and supportive relationship with each other.
I have a dear friend whose dad spent most of her childhood in and out of hospital getting treated for cancer, tested, treated again.. A long, slow death. Again, no abuse, no alcoholism. Their mother died suddenly when the youngest was in her late teens.
I'll ask again -- does this simmering anger present itself at work or is it only at home that he throws extended, slow burning tantrums?
It's really easy to paper over damage to children, and to project to the extent that because you are feeling ok, redeemed, have moved on, therefore the children are ok too. Some people are not willing to see the effect they have had on others. Sometimes the effect reveals itself much later.
My exH certainly falls into this camp. He blames me 100% for the fact that none of the children has chosen to talk to him once they were free of the obligation to do visitation, at age 18. He tried to convince a judge in post divorce court that I was alienating the children who remained under 18, and that I conspired with them to cause him to lose his right to see them by calling police after I learned of an incident that had terrified them. According to his narrative I am some sort of puppeteer, pulling strings, making him fall into trap after trap. The guardian ad litem appointed by the court to represent the children and sort out the 'he said/she said' stuff cut through the BS - and exH still felt it was necessary to his cause to speak up on his own behalf after this lawyer had presented his report, to recount to the judge a litany of things I was to blame for: in short all the dysfunction of our relationship, his mental health problems, all of the alienation of the children.
Janecc, I am not out of the relationship. This man has hauled me to court several times since we were divorced, effectively insisting that I stay firmly in the relationship, which is where he is mired and where he wants me to stay too, the better to abuse me. He has discovered that if he files a motion against me for contempt of court I am obliged to answer, to appear in court, and to stand there in jeopardy of being sent to jail. Presumably exH has some fantasy about me being punished (he used that word in one of his motions). He is a lawyer. It costs him nothing to represent himself. He doesn't appear to see himself as others in the open court see him at all. He firmly believes every single accusation he levels against me.
Marigold, very well said.
IFinished, what utter tripe you post.
Marriage vows are not carte blanche to inflict your problems on someone you promised to love and honour. Honouring your beloved means taking proper care of your own problems so you do not create hell on earth for someone you claim to love.