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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

149 replies

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:09

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

OP posts:

freshprincess · 21/05/2016 18:12

I don't think YABU about the arrangements, you agreed and he went behind your back.

The comments about his depression are way out of line though.

balayage · 21/05/2016 18:15

I think yabu, sorry. That said I understand how hard it is living with someone suffering from depression, and how much responsibility must fall to you.

That said, I wouldn't have told your DS he couldn't go but tried to make it work - could another parent pick your other DC up from school and have them til you get back? That would have been my first thought. In terms of missing school, surely your DS would only miss an hour? I know at my DCs school they have always been very accommodating about time off for sports trials etc, so surely it shouldn't be an issue?

TendonQueen · 21/05/2016 18:17

I can see why you're frustrated but I think you are a bit U. If you would like your DH to do more, but then have a go at him when he does organise something, he can't win. Personally I'd be glad of an offer of help so my DS could go after all. Do you not want him to go professional? Do you dislike losing control of things (perhaps, understandably, because you've got used to being the only reliable one)?

Rebecca2014 · 21/05/2016 18:17

Wait if the trial two hours away does that mean if he got into the team you have travel two hours get training?

FraggleMountain · 21/05/2016 18:18

Hi Lollipop, I just want to say that the fact that your DH is struggling doesn't automatically mean that you have to be a rock. It must be hard for you too. And I suppose that with three kids you must really be struggling if he is unable to do his part, even if he has good cause for it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/05/2016 18:19

Yep you were a bitch but your dh was wrong to go behind your back. I also think you were wrong about the trials, no way would I have said no to that, sounds like a great opportunity that possibly would not come up again, how could you not take him or arrange for someone else to?

araiba · 21/05/2016 18:20

why arent you pulling up trees to help your son become a pro sportsman- many boys dream job? for the sake of missing 2 afternoons of school?

if gps can help, yabu to give your son a chance

yabvvvvu to dh with your comments but yanbu to feel pissed off that he went behind your back

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:21

YANBU to be annoyed for your DH telling your DS to go behind your back.

YABU to not let your son fulfil his potential. My brother got an opportunity to train for a regional rugby team and trained couple times a week 1.5 hours away- he is now working as an Investment Banker after going to Cambridge university

superwormissuperstrong · 21/05/2016 18:21

yes - you have been nasty/bitchy but also -
yes - he is unreasonable to have gone behind your back rather than bring it up with you
But
What a shame for your son - clearly loves this sport, seems to be good at it and looks like it is an activity that brings him closer to his dad. I can see why they both want to pursue it and sometimes there's more to life than school and education.
Its the kind of thing that he can look back on as an adult with a lot of regret if he wasn't given the opportunity to try. I can imagine the conversation - "I had a chance to try out with Manchester United Youth Team but by mum wouldn't let me miss an afternoon of school so I could go and at least do the trial to see if I was good enough"

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou · 21/05/2016 18:23

You could have tried harder to arrange things so he could do the trial. It's a huge opportunity that is more important than a couple of hours of school.
The rest of it, meh. Apologise and move on.

Original poster

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:25

I know I was being unreasonable about the comments and I am going to apologise for those I shouldn't have said it and I have no excuse.

I want him to go professional as that's he wants to do but I don't see how this is going to work. If he gets in the training will be two hours away every week. There is another team closer to us that will be scouting over the summer. I feel if he's good enough for one he's good enough for another and ds would be happy to play for either one.

Dh is cross with me as I don't feel a 14 year old should be training 5x a week and then playing a match on a weekend. It also impacts the rest of the family. Ds2 is disabled and needs a lot of looking after.

As for his parents coming down I don't want them here without Dh being here. His mother doesn't believe in depression and feels I have made him like this

OP posts:

Hamiltoes · 21/05/2016 18:27

I think you should do everything possible to get your son to the trial, DH idea actually sounds quite good!

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:27

But you don't know that OP. You want him to throw away an opportunity because there is a CHANCE he will get another one? Do you not see how stupid that sounds.

Original poster

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:29

The sport is rugby so I am worried about injuries.

I suppose I will have to make it work. I know ds really wants it and I'm being selfish. I just feel it's another thing to add to my list of things to do.

Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 21/05/2016 18:31

I think YABVU not to let him follow up the opportunity if this is his ambition. 'If he's good enough for one he's good enough for the other' doesn't really work, because it depends what they're looking for and who they have in their squad. If he got in he could still see if the local club were interested. If he got in you could see what support was available in terms of help with travel or car sharing. Stopping him from following a dream because of a day's school is unfair.

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:34

He could cross the road tomorrow and get hit by a drunk driver and be paralysed.

Does that mean your going to wrap him in bubble wrap? I doubt it.

Yes- there is a chance he will be injured. But theres also a chance he will be injured going about his day to day life.

Honestly OP? I think there's something your holding back here from fear of being judged.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/05/2016 18:34

Yanbu to say your son cannot play for this team. I don't think some of the other posters have fully grasped how much it would impact on you and the rest of your family. Even if he could get himself there on public transport, it would take SO many hours out of his week (for homework etc).

I'm completely scratching my head over wolfpack's comment about her brother being an investment banker

gleam · 21/05/2016 18:35

I don't think you're being selfish.

Training 2 hours away every week, so 4 hours' driving plus the training time is a hell of a family commitment. Not to mention the up to 4 x a week other training that ds already does.

And I guess it will all fall on you, Lollypop.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/05/2016 18:35

It isn't feasible for DS1 to attend training at a club 2 hours away when you have other kids.

YANBU - your DH was out of order and is undermining you. His depression is a side issue

NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 18:36

Sorry yabvu

Your son has the chance of a lifetime to do something he wants and has to miss it because you say no.

Coconutty · 21/05/2016 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:38

Why Lynda? If there are family members who are willing to do the childcare then I don't see the issue.

And I thought the problem was just this one off when OPs DH was away. If he is passionate about his DS sport as OP is saying he is (the depression comment) then I imagine he will take his fair share of taking him too and from training.

araiba · 21/05/2016 18:39

if i was your son, i would be bunking off school on those days and going anyway

fuck anyone trying to ruin my dreams

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:39

bibbity- because one of the OPs complaints were her DS missing school. Thats why.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/05/2016 18:40

NeedACleverNN - tell us how you would manage this in op's shoes then? Re-read what it would entail and tell us exactly how you would make it happen.

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