I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

[Lollypop27]

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

I know this isn't a response to your AIBU as such but reading all the debate about whether you should allow your son to go/ find a way to make it work I just wanted to add the thought that simply going to this trial could be excellent experience for him, even if you subsequently decide that going there several times a week just isn't feasible (which I don't think is BU). As long as your DS is aware of that important caveat, he could see it is a practice run for future similar opportunities if they do come up, eg the local club you mentioned.
I know for me in other contexts, having gone through it once has put me in a much stronger position, handling the pressure and thinking about what could go better next time etc. I think for the sake of missing one afternoon of school, I wouldn't miss out on that.

I think some people are just so blind-sided by the idea that their child could become a star that good sense flies out of the window. And they're glossing over the inconvenient facts

Yes it isn't at all sensible to make sacrifices so your dcs can have a bash at actually being quite successful. Lots of sports parents are mad. But we do it anyway

I think you somehow need to get your son to this trial. He may not get in but you can't let him not have this chance OP. He may never forgive you

I agree Lynda, realistically, rugby is not a game where your chances are set at 14, and again, realistically, you don't only get one shot, there will be other opportunities closer to home. Numbkinnuts makes some excellent points.

Driving a 5-6 hour round trip once a week is hugely demanding when you also have a disabled son who needs a lot of attention. DH is not going to be the one doing the driving.

Oh, just realized it's probably too late now for the trial. That's a real shame. I do totally understand your point of view OP but hope your DS doesn't look back on this with regret . There are few things more frustrating as a teenager than being denied something you're really passionate about (albeit with the best intentions but sometimes parents get it very wrong), it's a time when you can feel very powerless which can then fuel a lot of anger and resentment. Hopefully the two of you can have a good chat about it though.
It must be incredibly tough feeling like everything is on your shoulders and I agree that with minimal support from DH and another child with a disability, the two hour trip (four hour round trip) several times a week would be a nightmare.

I can see why you're (rightly) upset, and I can see how the logistics of your son training for this club are really daunting, but I would let him do the try out and then have a good chat with the club and work out if it's possible (via trains etc) IF he gets accepted. At the moment it's not even a bridge to cross yet. And if he were accepted, could you then mention it to the more local team and see if they'd assess him? Being accepted by the other club may give him more clout?

Nyama - the OP has several other children, one of whom is disabled. She also has a severely depresssed husband. Sometimes, something has to give. I'd rather it was the DS1's improbable sporting glory than the OP's mental health because if she goes down, the whole family is fucked.

This four hour round trip isn't a one off - if he got in it would involve making that journey once a week. I'm amazed anyone could think you're being unreasonable for not being able to do that! Especially as there is an opportunity to join a team closer to home.

You have work and other children to consider; there just aren't enough hours in the day. And your son would be exhausted too.

In our house the rush after school / work is manic enough what with three young children plus homework / reading / dinner / bath that it's hard enough to get our son to football training which is five mins away once a week. Two hours away would be impossible even if we wanted to.

We do make sacrifices for our sporty children - I agree - I have two. But there is balance to be made.

Making general comments about giving the child an opportunity to follow this dream is ignorant of the sport they are involved with and can cause more harm to a child when their dreams are shattered due to injury through over training or unrealistic expectations of parents.

YABVVU. These chances don't come along to just anyone.

The OP doesn't know yet what time the training is, because if it's the same time as the trials at 4pm, he'd have to leave school by 2pm, which would mean he'd have to catch that work up every week.

If he's so determined that he wants to go on the train on his own - that's something they can discuss.

They do though. A lot of children get an opportunity to train with a rugby programme attached to a professional club. They then get ' culled ' ( sorry horrible word ) and very few get through to elite end. Now if he was say 17 my view would be different.

What is the point of taking your son to the activity in your area if you didn't hope that he would excel at it some day?

Because:
-he enjoyed it
-it made him feel part of a team
-it was good exercise
-it developed self-discipline, respect for others, sense of self-worth

I would imagine very few parents encourage their children to partake in sport for the reason that they hope that one day they will excel in it.

*if they even allow him to leave early, which they may not as he's doing GCSEs.

Now if he was say 17 my view would be different

Quite.

My daughter broke her arm today. Playing rugby.

And do you know what, I'm SOOOO proud of her. She had the best game she has ever played today and she has had to battle for 4 years to get there. There are now 2 girls in her team but for all but the last 3 months did has been pretty much the only girl in our club.

Do I resent the miles and the hours - hell no. Do my other 2 children miss out - hell no. Do our school support her playing sport and would they give her authorised time off for a trial - ABDOLUTELY.

Are you sporty at all? You don't seem to understand the passion and what us on offer here.

Also a trial held at 4pm on a school day is somewhat

I'm not being rude just realistic. It may be that the OP doesn't have the time to take her son to training. In which case I would take him to the trial anyway for the experience then wait for an offer from the other club. It's probably not worth falling to bits over.

I have a friend whose eldest child is excelling in a certain activity. She has another child, 3 years younger.

Every single weekend eldest child is elsewhere in the country doing this activity. Sometimes an hour away and child goes on the train. Other times 3 hours away and my friend takes her. One memorable weekend eldest child was 5 hours north on Saturday, and 3 hours south on Sunday.

Every Friday younger child goes to Gran as mum and eldest child are travelling. Mum had to reduce hours at work to keep this commitment, which of course has an effect on family finances. Dad works ridiculous hours to bring in as much as possible.

I have been watching younger child for a while. She is getting more and more insular. Quieter. More isolated. She has dropped all bar one of her own activities, has dropped school teams and outside activities - because she kept missing them. This is impacting on her friendships.

I am concerned about this kid, but I don't think I'm close enough to mum to say anything - and tbh I doubt anything would change in any case.

I've caught the way young child looks at mum sometimes. Sadness, and anger too. Sometimes these commitments aren't worthwhile - not if it costs the rest of the family.