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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

149 replies

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:09

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

OP posts:

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 21:16

Bathsheba Are you sporty at all? You don't seem to understand the passion and what us on offer

The problem with some parents with ' passion' is that they are often unrealistic.

I assume that if your daughter is playing contact rugby union with boys she must be 11 or 12 ?

Nyama · 21/05/2016 21:34

We are all unrealistic it's a nice place to be.

If kids looked at the odds they wouldn't even start.

Nyama · 21/05/2016 21:35

I know a lot of kids very successful in their sport. Don't know any where lives are ruined because of it.

Bathsheba · 21/05/2016 21:35

Numbkinnuts - yes she plays club contact rugby and has done for 4 years. We are in Scotland and contact begins at the start of P4 and she is now at the end of P7. Now it's almost the end of the season (and now got her it is as she can't play in the 2 remaining weeks) she now has to move towards the girls squad as she can no longer compete with the boys. She can still train with the boys but not play competitively with them

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 21:41

But as your child progresses through the sport the ' unrealistic ' expectations of parents can put undue pressure on the child. Plus potential to be that ' pushy

The children need to play for fun and development not the expectation - often lead by parents - that they will be the next Jonny Wilkinson.

The OP has closer options for her son to potentially excel in his chosen sport.

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 21:44

Bathsheba. Hope she makes a good recovery. Shame to mss her last two games with the boys but at least she will have the off season to recover.

Meeep · 21/05/2016 21:54

I disagree with many here.
You can't do everything. Something has to give. If you can't add the commitment to this other club onto your list of things you do in life without cracking, that's OK. Don't do it. You are a person too, not just the mother of a son.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 21:59

Yabu to stop your son from pursuing this opportunity. Yabu for using your dh problems as a stick to beat him with.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 21/05/2016 22:16

Getting an offer from the first club will massively increase the chances of getting an offer from the second. Job done.

FWIW, rugby clubs are very geared towards facilitating youth development. Wouldn't surprise me at all if the long distance club sorted out a training program whereby your DS did most of the training at the nearest club to you.

angielou123 · 21/05/2016 22:21

I get you OP. It's too much, nothing to do with ruining a dream. Not viable. A shame, but life. Also I know what it's like to say No, be undermined by the other half saying yes and then promising to sort it out when you know damn well you'll get stuck with it anyway.

SalemSaberhagen · 21/05/2016 22:33

Actually Nyama, my DP is an ex professional sportsman who has played for England (can't give away too much for fear of outing).

He says he enjoyed it until the training etc got in the way of what he wanted to do. By that point though he felt he 'had' to carry on, and he felt obliged to as his parents were so enthusiastic, and because of all of the time and effort that had been spent on it.

He retired a couple of years ago after 10+ years of playing. He's never been happier since. So although his life wasn't 'ruined', it wasn't all sunshine and roses either.

I don't know how his siblings feel about it all.

SalemSaberhagen · 21/05/2016 22:35

Is it that black and white Paul? You are ignoring the significant challenges that the OP faces.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 21/05/2016 22:48

Yanbu to feel blindsided when you'd agreed it wasn't possible. But at 14 your ds should be allowed to try and make it work if he wants to.

I have a relative who the school accommodated with 'educated off site' when they got accepted at a prestigious school in their chosen profession. The parents and school worked together to allow them to attend 1 day a week, provided the rest of their school work didn't slip. mum drove there and back to start but it had a huge impact on the younger dc and started making them late
For school if they got held up on the way back. So relative started getting the train there and back as much as possible.

I see you're letting him go. Speak to the school and see what they are prepared to do to accommodate if he does get accepted. You might find they are surprisingly helpful, especially when they can say one of their pupils also does X training.

But clearly the bigger issue is this always falls to you to do the running around and making things work. Ds is old enough to start making his own arrangements so maybe he needs to.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 22:52

Surely you meant to address your comment to the other people who said similar to me as well Salem? I was just giving my opinion. (Love the name btw!)

SalemSaberhagen · 21/05/2016 23:04

I was being very lazy and just replying to the most recent comment I saw saying it, and I thought the others had been picked up on it too. Sorry!

Original poster

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 23:18

Woah I have read all of the comments and thank you for everyone's replies.

To answer a few questions
1, no I am not sporty
2, it is not a case of not being able to bear to take him I don't know what gave you that idea
3, Nyama thank for the comment about my husband sounding lovely most of the time he is but I expect you don't actually care and was just trying to be passive aggressive so here is my first

For those of you who have said how you would move heaven and earth for their child to do this I'm guessing you don't live with a depressed person and a two other children who are struggling. My husband is getting help for his depression but it turns out it's a lot more complex. I am trying to split myself 3 ways and it's bloody hard. I'm trying my best.

If the club was closer I wouldn't have thought twice about him going.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 23:24

Sorry Salem my post came across as cunty and that isn't acceptable. OP I apologise to you also, I think my post wasn't as kind as it could have been.

SalemSaberhagen · 21/05/2016 23:27

I feel like we should join hands and sing Kumbaya

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 23:31

I feel the same. However it would be uncool for such awesome pets from legendary tv shows to do something so cringey. So I politely nod in your general direction.

Nyama · 21/05/2016 23:57

I did actually genuinely think he sounded nice. Thanks for the biscuit anyway

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/05/2016 00:06

You're under an unrelenting amount of pressure OP, don't let people who clearly know very little about depression or looking after a disabled child get to you.

I hope things work out for you all.

BillSykesDog · 22/05/2016 00:11

Lollypop, I understand your reservations and it does sound like you have an awful lot on your plate. But keep your options open. Try and see if there is a way it could be doable. Simple options like car sharing or taxis or getting his own transport. Or perhaps even looking at some of the grants that are out there for young people in sport to see if that could help with transport costs or even with him perhaps living away from home part of the week to facilitate it. I know children in some sports and also the theatre do that.

If somewhere down the line it becomes clear that it's absolutely Undoable you have to face that. But it sounds like it's at least worth exploring the options available rather than dismissing it out of hand. He may not even get selected, and if that happens at least he will know he tried his best and failed, rather than growing up thinking he had a chance to do something big but was held back. His Dad's illness must be very tough on him too, and I think this sport and his ambitions may well be giving him a focus which helps him with that. It would be a shame for him to lose that unless it was absolutely unavoidable.

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 00:11

He has depression which will ofc makethings difficult, but it's not an excuse to arrange your time for you or undermine a decision you had made together. That was just sly, and unfair on both you and your DS. Obviously everyone's going to be different, but given the circumstances, I don't think you were a bitch for what you said - and I've had depression for years...

I hope you are able to get some help to cope with your DH's depression on top of everything else. Kinda like another poster said, you don't need to be the strong or well one all the time. It's just not feasible or reasonable. And it sounds like if you're coming out with things like you did at your DH when you wouldn't normally, you may have been "strong" for too long already and you're nearing breaking point?

Fishface77 · 22/05/2016 08:25

Lolly I think you've had a hard time on here. Some people have the ability to move heaven and earth and take their kids to the moon and back every Friday night and some haven't.
Only you know how hard you have it and although you want to give your ds every advantage, it can't be at the expense of your other DC or YOU.
Agree that your husband has made arrangements but he has undermined you and the arrangements still hinge on you so he hasn't done you a favour. From what you've said about this one situation he sounds manipulative. Changing and organising things the way he wants them with no consideration to what suits you or his other DC.
As for what you said to him about depression, he's getting help but are you? My DH CPN said that the only thing close to having depression is living with someone who has depression.

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