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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

149 replies

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:09

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 21/05/2016 19:05

Why Myinlaws?

I genuinely don't get why a whole family's life should revolve around one child's talent. And why sporting talent is considered such a brilliant thing to have. Very, very few kids make it and even if they do, they're washed up by the time they're 35. It seems a pretty sad life to me

alltouchedout · 21/05/2016 19:06

I don't think I would ever prioritise one dc's possible (and really quite unlikely, even if they were good enough to be signed by a professional outfit as a child- there are so many young people who get youth contracts and spend years with big teams and don't become stars or even lower league professionals) future sporting success over the whole family's current needs. The trial aside, how will travelling such a distance to training so often work? it just wouldn't! I think you were being perfectly reasonable to say no.

My line manager has recently relocated with her dh so her ds could take up a youth place with a Premier league football team. It's only because there are no other dc that she was willing to do it- and she really misses her house, her family, her friends, her local area. It's impacted hugely on her travelling time to work. And even she says the likelihood is he won't end up a star footballer, the odds are just so far against it. It's so easy for people to say "oh you should support him in this!" It's just not reasonable or even possible for most of us to let a dc's sporting ambition be the centre of family life.

RhiWrites · 21/05/2016 19:06

I don't think you should change your mind on this because you feel guilty. You had good reasons for not taking him and your husband completely undermined you.

That said, at 14 he can get himself to training and future training if he gets into the club. But 2 hours away is a long distance and he'll have to do homework on the train or give it up. Can he be trusted to be sensible about it?

KittensandKnitting · 21/05/2016 19:09

giraffe has said everything I was going to say :)

Guessing it's actually 4 hours travel in total plus the training, unless I hired someone to take him no way could this household support this dream - sad as that is.

crystalgall · 21/05/2016 19:10

Winning gold at the olympics doesn't sound like a sad life to me. Pretty sure you'd be hard pressed to find an athlete who says so

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 21/05/2016 19:10

In all honesty, I'd take your son to his trial. However hard that may be, on the understanding that if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. I wouldn't be impressed that DH had gone behind my back over it, and assumed that I'd pick up the pieces but I'm quite used to that now. I'd just wait and see how it all panned out. It may be easier than you can see right now. I wouldn't put the brakes on, over the trial itself. If he makes it into the team, and this particular team and the logistics doesn't work for you, then at least he's got some experience and confidence if he tries for another team, closer by. As for it being rugby? It's an awesome game! I wish my own son still played!

crystalgall · 21/05/2016 19:11

And all this talk of its soooo unlikely and slim chances. Well yes but someone has to make it don't they? It could be him

Lweji · 21/05/2016 19:14

As he's 14, I'd send him on public transport if possible. At best, one of us would pick him up.

I'd emphasise that school was non-negotiable, though. Anything can happen and education is important even for professional sportspeople.

He can also trial for the closest team and change.
The other team may want to get the best earlier, but then they should give the players better conditions to play, including transport. See what happens and then negotiate.

notagiraffe · 21/05/2016 19:15

I've taken DC to specialist training two hours away if it was a short course (e.g. three weekends in a row earlier this year.) It was knackering. It ate into our schedule. If he'd wanted that weekly, he'd have to do the journey himself, which he happily would. DS2 travels alone aged 13 every weekend to his training because it means the world to him.

Theimpossiblegirl · 21/05/2016 19:17

DD has been asked to join a new team. One of their training sessions clashes with another, very different hobby that she is also passionate about. The new team have bent over backwards to accommodate her, they want her that much and are aware that if they make her choose, they may lose her.

My point is that if your son is successful, talk to them, they will want to help. One of the coaches/other parents may live locally. You must let him try though, it's important to him and could be a life-changing opportunity.

scaryteacher · 21/05/2016 19:17

It's not just two hours drive though is it? It's two hours drive to the venue, hanging around whilst he does his trial or training if he gets in, and then the drive back, so you are talking about 5-6 hours out of the OP's week every week.

To put in in context, that is how long it takes me to get from Brussels to Dunkirk, then on the ferry to Dover, let alone then to the town where ds is at university just outside London. It takes me about 6 hours to drive from Dover to the Devon/Cornwall borders when we go home, and I am somewhat tired at the end of it. To expect the Op to be up for this on top of a normal day juggling kids, school runs, perhaps work etc is unreasonable.

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 19:18

I would ask some serious questions of the professional team some two hours away where it is in your child's best interests to a. Miss school and b. Travel 2 hours for training.

The like hood of 14 yr old making it to top of rugby elite is very slim. If he has talent and skill he will do just as well at the closer club.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/05/2016 19:24

All schools I have taught in have facilitated the participation in sport at this level. There are ways round it- don't worry about GCSEs, as long as he is committed and you insist he keeps up his studies, it will be fine.

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 19:29

OP is this rugby union or rugby league ?

Rugby union don't have 'scouts' they have DPP programmes and Academies attached to professional clubs. The participants will get 'culled' every year. Please have a serious talk about this with the Academy lead.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/05/2016 19:37

It's not just about you though Myinlaws. It's about the other kids. I would have been seriously unimpressed if my life had revolved around one of my siblings' hobbies. I presume your child with serious MH issues isn't one of the sporting stars? How does she feel about it?

LyndaNotLinda · 21/05/2016 19:39

My niece competes at a very high level of equestrian sport. Her entire life - and my DB/SIL's lives revolve around it. It's hugely time-consuming and very expensive which is fine because she's an only child. If she had siblings, it would be rather less acceptable.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/05/2016 19:44

I couldn't deny my child the opportunity that you mentioned. I just couldn't.

I'm assuming you apologised to your dh, of course he is happy when he is watching his son excel, you'd be complaining otherwise!

Atenco · 21/05/2016 19:47

But apart from the advisability of the child getting this opportunity, what should the OP do about her husband undermining her and going behind her back?

That is, to my mind, the really the extremely serious issue here. A friend of mine has a husband like that and her children did not turn out well.

LyndaNotLinda · 21/05/2016 19:57

No, I wasn't trying to imply that but I think you're projecting hugely. Your children are spread out in age so that one child can pursue something without impacting on siblings.

The OP isn't in this situation if all her children are in school. And as she says 'all' I presume she has at least 2 others. So they would be spending their weekends traipsing about after the eldest.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 21/05/2016 20:06

I would only do the trial if getting to the practice sessions long term is doable.

Would he take himself?

I wouldn't want to be taking the other kids & how realisti would it be for GPs to come regularly to either look after the others or take son to training?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 21/05/2016 20:08

I think you made a bad mistake not facilitating the trial. That could have rankled for a lifetime and in a sense, your DH was right to overrule you. I would never normally say this but I'm not sure what else he could have done.

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