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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

149 replies

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:09

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 21/05/2016 20:10

I haven't read the thread. But if it was me if i had other children i wouldn't be driving two hours to training every single week along with all the other training and match commitments. Theres more people in the family than just this son.

EverySongbirdSays · 21/05/2016 20:12

Beckham was 14 when he signed for Man United

Andy Murray was 14 when he went to a tennis academy in Spain leaving both parents behind.

With things like professional sport and dance, you have to postpone other things if you want to make it. A Levels and Universities aren't going anywhere but the window of opportunity to MAKE IT is small and gets smaller each year. You have to grab every opportunity with both hands.

I have a friend now who laments that he did not become a professional athlete because he got distracted by other things, don't let you be the reason your son gives down the line for why he could have been Jonny Wilkinson but didn't make it.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nyama · 21/05/2016 20:15

I am gobsmacked you aren't doing everything in your power to get your ds to the trial.

He can catch up with school work.

Yes elite sport is hard on other family members, to be frank, if you can't bear to support him now then you'd better think long and hard if it's the best thing for him. You will need to inconvenience yourself and the other members of your family on many occasions.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nyama · 21/05/2016 20:16

And fwiw your dh sounds lovely.

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 20:21

The OP son will not be an elite rugby player at 14 !

Sports vary in relation to the age when a child will reach an elite level. I .e gymnastics , swimming children reach an elite level early on.

14 yr old rugby player will not in anyway be ' elite'

bakeoffcake · 21/05/2016 20:22

So if he gets into this team, he'd need to go there 4x a week plus weekend matches?

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 20:24

If he gets into that team and has to train that much he will be over training !!!

neonrainbow · 21/05/2016 20:24

Why should the other children of the family sacrifice their childhood for the sake of one of their dreams?

Nyama · 21/05/2016 20:24

Oh ok I use the term to mean someone who is a cut above a run of the mill club player. If he wants to go pro then I imagine he'll need to be of a fairly high standard

EverySongbirdSays · 21/05/2016 20:27

No he won't be elite at 14. Neither were the two examples I mentioned. They were still kids. But that's where the training to be elite STARTS. If it wasn't, then these trials wouldn't exist.

Mercedes519 · 21/05/2016 20:28

I can see that a lot of people don't have experience of a partner with depression...and aren't they lucky.

When everything falls to you the smallest thing seems like an extra burden that you just can't rise to. Rearranging your whole week (when you're already on your own) for a 4 hour round trip which could mean doing that four days a week is NOT a small thing. Plus hosting your in-laws who are blaming you for their son's mental health.

This is not an inconvenience or a minor thing. The OP is already caring for a disabled child and a depressed DH as well as all the other things a parent has to do - probably by herself as DH won't be up to much.

This isn't blaming her DH but until you have almost cried when there is a minor change to routine because EVERYTHING is hanging on you then perhaps you need to cut the OP some slack for not leaping at the opportunity.

And goneto what else could her DH have done? Perhaps TALK to her before making arrangements for DS which SHE has to fulfil? Hmm

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emilybrontescorset · 21/05/2016 20:28

Can your dh not do some of the driving/training runs.
Or otherwise look after your other dcs whilst you drive.
I don't think it's on him going behind your back neither is it on him telling your son that you will drive.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/05/2016 20:30

What is the point in taking your son to the activity in your area if you didn't hope that he would excel at it some day?

His opportunity has arrived

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:30

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/05/2016 20:32

Presumably if he signs with a club thrn they won't want him playing for school or county though, so that should cut things down a bit.

My understanding is that rugby in particular can open all sorts of goals like independent school scholarships and good Uni offers and bursaries.

MrsDeVere · 21/05/2016 20:35

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 20:37

The chances of a 14 yr old rugby player making it to the level of an England Senior international are very slim.

The OP in this respect really needs to speak with the professional clubs lead on this aspect.

The training he is involved with at moment 3 times and 4 times a week at this age is not healthy and not generally advised. He will not be playing at a level that requires that much training.

My youngest is the same age and has county training during the rugby union season every three to four weeks. It is a carefully monitored programme.

Nyama · 21/05/2016 20:37

That's a choice for the parents to make neonrainbow

If they don't feel able to I am sure there will be others waiting in the wings

Numbkinnuts · 21/05/2016 20:38

He will not be signing to a professional rugby club at 14 !

He will still be able to play for school club or county.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damselindestress · 21/05/2016 20:38

I can see both sides. The sports trial is obviously very important to your DS and it would be good if he could pursue this opportunity if possible. However if your DH is having trouble organising things because of depression and a lot of the burden falls on you it's not reasonable or practical for you to have to do even more. Yes what you said about his depression was unreasonable and you know that but I can see it was sheer frustration about him signing you up for another obligation he can't or won't help with. Your DH should also understand you not wanting to be around the ILs when they have been so awful to you. He should work with you rather than against you so that you can work together as a team to find a solution to issues like accomodating your DS's hobby. Have you considered couple's counselling to help your communication? Is he getting help for his depression?

Nyama · 21/05/2016 20:40

I know plenty of 14 year olds who train at least 4x a week. Not rugby admittedly

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