Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I've been a bitch but aibu?

149 replies

Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:09

So not to drip feed my Dh has really bad depression and is struggling quite bad at the moment.

Ds1 is very sporty. He goes to his chosen sport 3x a week and every other week it is 4x. Twice a week the training is not local -up to an hour away.

We had a letter last week offering him a chance to trial out for another team. This team is professional and could mean he might go professional one day (obviously a lot can happen in 4 years before he is 18). Well Dh is actually away when the trials are on (there are two). Also they are 2 hours away and they start at 4pm and last an hour. Dh and I sat and discussed it and I said no. I am not willing to take all of the children out of school so he could go to this trial. Dh said it was his fault as he was going to be away. I explained it was no ones fault but he is not missing out on school time for this sport. Dh seemed to agree.

Fast forward to today and ds and I have had a row in the car. He said that dad had said he could go and dad was going to organise the grandparents to come down (they love 2 1/2 hours away) to look after his brothers so I could take him. I told ds that it wasn't going to happen and I was sorry but he will not be missing school. Ds then said that Dh had told him not to mention it to me until i was in a good mood and nearer to the time so I couldn't say no!!

I am fucking fuming. How dare he go behind my back. I'm always made out to be the bad one for saying no when it is the sensible option.

I feel like a bitch now because I shouted at Dh asking him how he was going to organise people coming down when he couldn't organise his way out of a carrier bag at the moment. I also said the nastiest thing of the depression/anxiety never seems to be there when he's with son doing his sport. I am so ashamed of this and I know I need to apologise but I'm led on my bed sulking.

Apart from what I said to him aibu?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 21/05/2016 18:40

But what the DH has organised is still for the OP to do the driving AND she will have to host her ILs, who blame her for their son's depression. It still sounds very one sided to me, with the OP doing all the actual work.

I don't think YABU OP. Presumably you already are pulling out all the stops to enable your son and his sporting ambitions, your life sounds very hectic.

I think I may have lost the plot too if confronted by evidence of my DH going behind my back like that with the dc, especially if that meant even more work for me.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/05/2016 18:41

Oh I see.

araiba · 21/05/2016 18:43

i would ask gps to take him to trials

presuming he gets in, i dont know enough about the family to advise further

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:45

And for goodness sake. Your other children will miss two 1/2 days max of school (from what im gathering from your post). I'm assuming they are younger than your DS so 13 and under. It won't be the end of the world. The world won't implode. Your children won't end up working in McDonalds because of it.

Cocochoco · 21/05/2016 18:45

I think I would let him do the trial and then think about the logistics if he is actually offered a place. I would not have my ILs if I could help it though - I'd call in favours from friends.

I'd be annoyed with your dh.

Original poster
Lollypop27 · 21/05/2016 18:46

Dh would go to the matches but not the training as he would be at work and can't get home in time to take him. I would have to do it.

I'm going to let him go I realise iabu not letting him try out for his dream.

I am going to speak to the club and ask them what time training would be if he does get in. If it's this time weekly then there is no chance as I can't imagine the school letting him have an hour off each week for a sport when he is starting GCSEs in September. If training is later then I it can work. He already plays for county.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 21/05/2016 18:47

And I guess it will all fall on you, Lollypop.

Not necessarily. The OP says the Dad is very involved in the sport. Plus there might be options like a shift of car sharing with other players from the area, or the club might even stump up for a taxi.

gleam · 21/05/2016 18:48

Dh would go the matches but not the training...

Zucker · 21/05/2016 18:48

Yanbu especially as it looks like most of the actual grunt work of getting the child to this new team if he gets in falls right onto you. Ask your DH what his plan is for the ongoing 2 hour trips to training?

BillSykesDog · 21/05/2016 18:49

Could his school perhaps look at something with time tabling? Maybe if they could schedule PE in for the hour he might miss because he will be doing it elsewhere anyway. I would hope they would do their best to support a student who's working so hard and doing so well.

gleam · 21/05/2016 18:49

Would ds cut down on his other training if he got in at the club?

wolfpackonly · 21/05/2016 18:50

OP- he is 14. Can he not get a train and if necessary a taxi to the grounds?

You need to stop making assumptions. Talk to the school- I know when my brother was doing training etc school were very accommodating and openly encouraged him to continue. It's an hour. He goes to school for what- 30 hours a week? He is missing 1/30 of his schooling a week. It's not that much of a big deal.

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 18:51

Great to see you're going to let him go.

I think you should move heaven and earth to get your DS to this kind of thing - it could be life changing and he may resent you forever if you don't help him get there.

If that means the DC missing school so be it.

This could be an amazing opportunity for him. The rest of the stuff is just logistics.

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 18:52

If the boy is 14, can he get to training, if he gets a place, by himself somehow?

notagiraffe · 21/05/2016 18:55

I don't think you've been a bitch or being unreasonable. In isolation, yes, of course, you'd want to do anything to help a child achieve their dream. But his dream is not in isolation. It comes with a disabled sibling, a depressed dad and a mother who is shouldering all the emotional and practical responsibility day by day. And the 'dream' is two hours away. People who are serious about their dreams don't only get one chance. They make their own chances. This offer doesn't work for your family. I think you are being very reasonable to understand this in advance.
As to saying mean shit to a depressed person, well, we can be nightmares to live with and anyone who sticks by a depressed person deserves a lot of slack in expressing how bloody frustrating it is sometimes. Your OH was manipulative to raise his son's hopes behind your back. He allowed himself to be 'good guy' when he had absolutely no risk of having to put any effort into being 'good guy' and makes you into 'bad guy' when he knows how much it would put you out to do this on a regular basis. If he wants to be good guy he can cancel his trip and take DS. He deserved a bitchy mouthful from you.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. You've just been human instead of a saint. Your son and OH need to acknowledge your right to be just that.

CotswoldStrife · 21/05/2016 18:56

I don't think YABU at all, OP. I can't see this working out well for the rest of the family at all. A two hour journey each way would take up most of the day at the weekend and leave your DS pretty tired for school. Nor do I think that his siblings should be missing school so he could go.

As for your DH - if he's not prepared to take him there the majority of the time then he really shouldn't be dangling the carrot in front of your DS. Going behind your back is dreadful. I suspect that your DS knows your DH can't do it either. The grandparents won't be coming over every weekend and who is going to look after the siblings if you are out then?

Don't back down without a battle royale that doesn't include you doing all the travelling!

CotswoldStrife · 21/05/2016 18:58

Pretty much cross posted with giraffe there!

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 21/05/2016 18:59

💐

Cut yourself some slack. DH has depression, this does not give him permission to go behind your back, tell your DS to 'tell you close to the time so you can't say no' & arrange your inlaws to be in your home/mind your other children while YOU (not him!) drive DS a long way.

Fuck apologising. I'd still be ripping strips off him. If he had an issue with your decision he should have discussed it with YOU!

I really, really feel for people who suffer with depression - but it's not a 'Get out of jail free' card to be used as a defence for any shit behaviour.

I can understand why you said no to DS, but I think you were wrong on that score. I'd move heaven & earth to help him access this opportunity. Practicalities can be sorted out if he gets accepted.

saltwiththat · 21/05/2016 18:59

I think you're being hard on yourself. Living with a DH with depression can't be easy and now DS has got this fantastic opportunity that will impact greatly on you too.
Maybe you were being a tad U but I can see why.
FWIW I hated my playing rugby luckily both were hopeless

Adnerb95 · 21/05/2016 19:00

When you are the one dealing with a partner's depression and all that entails, it is easy to end up mistaking "being strong" for being inflexible. I've been there, done that. The ILs thing sounds like it could be a bigger part of how you feel about the training than perhaps you are aware - quite understandably.
Feel for you - it's a tricky one. Sounds like, after an apology, the two of you just need to have a chat and get on the same page about Ds's training. Maybe you have been bottling some of your feelings, in the interests of being the one who is coping! Don't beat yourself up about it all.

1horatio · 21/05/2016 19:01

You were a bitch, your dh was wrong. What else? It seems like your son is investing a lot of time and energy in this sport. I think yabu not letting him go.
Your DS is talented and just got offered an opportunity many others wish they had.... Did you really say no because of him missing school or are there other reasons? Maybe something concerning your DH?

TheUnsullied · 21/05/2016 19:02

I don't think YABU at all actually. Dream or not, the ongoing logistics of this if he gets in are an absolute nightmare. If he were to maintain his current training schedule but for the club 2 hours away, would you be able to maintain it? While also spending time with your other children? With your husband? The GPs stepping in this time is all well and good but unless they'll be the ones taking over the responsibility of getting DS to his training, it's not actually a solution is it?

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 21/05/2016 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gleam · 21/05/2016 19:05

Can dh do flexitime at work so he can take ds? It's only 2 hours each way and then the time spent there.

just logistics 😂