Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

[arghhythu]

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

AF is right. There have been a few threads recently where the OP has been male and the DW has been sitting on her arse and not contributing. Laziness is not gender-specific.

Arghh tonight may be tough expect his tactics to continue. Hope you are ok. You will cope perfectly fine without him, I'm not surprised he tells you you won't cope without him - he's boringly predictable.

DailyMail, this isn't laziness.

yes it is really important to look after yourself regardless of whether bottle or breast feeding but need to eat esp if breast feeding to keep milk coming.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. :( I truly admire your strength to find the courage to leave. You're doing the right thing, especially for your DD.
Also, please don't blame yourself for any of this. Abuse is never the victim's fault.

DSZ is 11, last week I was swamped with work. He followed a recipe and cooked dinner for the two of us (DH was at work). To be fair, he needed help, and should have asked a bit sooner, but he didn't sit whinging.

Sorry to hear you are in this position, one that is similar to many of us on here with 'ex's' sadly. You will cope without him, in fact it will annoy him immensely just how well you will cope and how much his own life will be harder without you! Men like him always underestimate the women they are with I suspect. When he tells you you are weak and won't manage without him it is his view of you, a view that bulks up his own masculinity, his own self-delusion in his importance as 'provider' and not reality at all. Women tend to be pretty good at surviving this shit when they leave and in my experience build much better and happier lives afterwards. I certainly have and I bet you will too. Good luck, he will have to make financial provision for your child if you are married and you may, like me, find you are suddenly better off than when you were struggling to pay for all the food, baby stuff, bills etc on your own without that!

There was an excellent thread, last year, all about the dickheads who threaten suicide whenever they aren't the highest priority in their partner's life.

Man-child. They never grow a pair!

I think NumanoidNancy is spot on.

You are at high risk of letting him screw you over financially, judging by how you describe your finances and assets.

I suspect over the years he has encouraged you to think of the house as "his" and his earnings as "his money" but your earnings as "family money". His money goes on his mortgage for his house, your money goes on his fresh salmon and his Sky. Therefore you think the house is genuinely morally his and you would be a gold digger to even request 50% of the property.

Does he remind you often about how bad you are with money because you were once in debt? How lucky you are to live in his house?

This stuff fucks with your mind. You have enabled him to be a high earner by being his house elf. That will have stopped you building your own career, place on the housing ladder, and earning power.

You could have used your money to pay the mortgage, or half of it, while he paid for the salmon, Sky etc. It would have been no different, right?

It is entirely moral for you to get a share of the house sale or for him to give you a lump sum in lieu. He will be relying on you wanting to appear "fair and reasonable" which means he can give you pretty much nothing but minimum child support. He has fucked with your mind over years so that you will think giving him the house is fair and reasonable. It isn't.

Oh they really all read from the same script, don't they?

OP, way too many of us here who used to be married to entitled abusive men have heard all the lines that you're getting, including the threats about suicide and child custody. They're empty threats: it's just manipulation, designed to keep you where he wants you. Ignore it.

Well done OP. Good luck! You are doing the right thing.

Just caught this thread after finishing work. Best advice an old hand can offer is breath, gather up as much information as you can before you leave, and don' t have second thoughts because you know you are doing the right thing for you and dc.

Why do you not have details of mortgage and salary? Again, this is control. He will have pay slips and bank statements locked away somewhere. Check the garage or shed. When you find it, bust the lock and grab what you can just before you leave. I would love to be a fly on the wall, 'I want to divorce my wife because the best thing she could come up with for dinner was frozen salmon'. It may be a bumpy road road ahead but you will become more and more empowered the longer you are away from him. What a tosser!

May I suggest that the next time he threatens going for full custody of your child you say "Oh dont be silly, courts award 50/50 now. So how would you like use organise your half of the week with DD?" and then see him accuse you being a shit mother because you want to "dump" her on him. When you know what they are going to say, its quite amusing when they do!

Hope you are ok OP

A husband is supposed to be a partner not a superior

^ thatx1000000

How are things?

Did you get to a solicitor OP?

arghh I hope you're OK. I'm worried about you

"He says he'll kill himself if I leave. I'm stuck."
He won't, it's an empty threat. (Black humour alert. And if he did, your problems would be over because you'd inherit.) Seriously, he won't. Actually, this threat is sort of good sign. If he's bringing out the big guns it's because you've rebuffed his smaller threats successfully.

"I don't know how this escalated so quickly."
I think you've been so exhausted you haven't registered the slow escalation up until now. It's taken a year from "I put all my energy into "taking care" off him and keeping him happy" to your pregnancy and then your daughter becoming your focus. During that year there will have been points when he's known he's no longer the centre of your world, and there will have been small petty actions of his that you will have experienced, but overlooked.

Did you manage to get to a solicitor?

He has no need to go to the trouble of killing himself. With his ability to do anything for himself All he need do is wait until he starves himself to death.

hissy

I didn't say this was laziness. Only that it is not gender specific.