Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

[arghhythu]

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

Deep breaths OP, you can do this, yes it's terrifying but you'll look back and realise you've made the right decision.

The Unknown is always scary but you know it's the right thing to do.

Find important paperwork, birth certificates, passports, financial information and keep it safe.

He says he'll kill himself if I leave. I'm stuck.

My first husband used to use that lovely line, even when I wanted to go out.

My calm reply was always 'You are an adult, you make your own decisions, I will not be responsible for whatever you decide'.

I kept going out, eventually I left him. Some 24 years and two more ex wives later, he is still alive!

Run.
And don't look back!
He won't hurt himself.
He loves himself far too much for that, but he will use it as emotional blackmail.
What a despicable bastard.

You really need to stop this 'he's a high earner/it's his house/I'm a low earner' mind set.

You refer to him as DH so I am assuming you are married. Regardless of his name being on the deeds,
all your property/money/savings etc goes into the 'marital money pot' and is then divided according to need.
The highest priority being the housing of your DC. The residency of the child would normally go to the parent who has been the main carer. If both parents are in the position to provide equal care (by doing shift work/home working etc) then that would be a starting point from which a child arrangements hearing would start. In the normal scheme of things, a father who has a 9-5 job and no flexibility, would normally be awarded EOW fri-sun 6pm-6pm and an evening in the week.

It sounds as if you need to get out as a matter of urgency. This does not mean you somehow 'lose' your ownership of your home.

If you can, please go to your mothers. Then go see a lawyer on Monday morning.

Sadly this is not an unusual state of affairs. Babies are a hand-grenade in the middle of a relationship. You sound like you have a 'carer' personality. It's probably what attracted you to your 'd'h .
For him, having been mollycoddled and looked after by his DM, finding a nurturing caring woman who seemed to enjoy 'looking after' him must have been his idea of a perfect woman.
I am not going to blame him for his feelings and expectations whole heartedly, as he is a result of his upbringing. I do however blame him for his behaviour, which is entirely unacceptable .
Babies come along and women often switch their focus. This is normal. When you have had the sort of relationship where you have pandered to his every need and this has now abruptly stopped with the arrival of baby, it was never going to work out well.

I do not think he will ever change. Men who are 'looked' after by women have such a deep entrenched sense of entitlement that they will never be able to accept that a child 'comes first' in your eyes and that they will have to do for themselves. They are best suited in relationships with no children and a partner who is happy to continue where mama left off..(and there are women who are happy to do this)

Aaarghythu does your dm live nearby? Do you have a good relationship with her? If this was happening yo my dd I'd want her to tell me and I'd want to help her. Can you talk to her today and see what she says?

Sounds like your DH needs a cook book for Father's Day

Yes, a cook book will sort it...

Don't worry about him trying to get custody . Twat can't cook his own meal but will be willing to raise his DD? Never. Gonna. Happen.

Half th le house is yours or your DD's if you orefer to look at it like that.

If nothing else but to batter him with it.

#JOKE!

And for the suicide threat - 🙄 He really really won't and if he did that's the lroblem sorted.

I totally agree that he won't kill himself- it's incredible common for abusers to threaten this. And, even if he did, that's his choice and not your responsibility.
Please keep yourself safe, I've got a feeling he could turn really nasty. What time is he due back?

A threat of suicide, in a context like this, is a threat of violence if he doesn't get his own way, and he is making that threat "at you".

Are you safe at the moment?

Agree with Bird, here. This is not the cry-for-help suicide threat that you get from a genuinely depressed person: this is suicide-as-a-threat-of-violence, suicide-threat-to-show-you-I-am-capable-of-violence. Be very careful around this man, and keep an eye on your lo.

So he said he couldn't stand you, but then he said he'd kill himself if you left? Do you see how inconsistent this is? He's just saying anything he feels at that moment will put pressure on you to get back in line. None of it is sincere. Put yourself and your DD first.

Hold on, you're the one with the. In sleeping ridiculously colicky baby

"Dh not much use" and unhelpful and accusatory mil.

Your h said in response to you reaching the end of your tether when suffering from PND and refluxy baby that he'd call social services right? Tricked you into doing more when the clocks went back.

My love, as poor form as it is or me to go through past posts, you have and are doing an amazing Job considering all that you are having to deal with.

The PND is potentially a reaction to your mArriage being unequal, and not one member of his family appears to be capable of being anything other than inflammatory and cruel.

I repeat what I said before, it's not you, it's him/them. He's in competition for attention with a little baby, resenting everything she gets from you.

He's not a real man.

He wouldn't want full custody, he said so before when he threatened you with ss.

He's threatening suicide now

Anything to get you back under his thumb. He won't ever change. He doesn't see the need to.

Please don't blame yourself, you made this relationship work where there was nothing coming from him.

Now is the time to face facts, that the lack of his support and love may have caused your PND, his lack of support over dd and her needs and now, sulking over salmon.

Keep your head down today love, and get yourself to a solicitor asap.

Womans aid can really help too. Let them listen to you and reassure you.

Must agree that he absolutely will not kill himself. He wants you think he will and therefore be guilted and frightened into toeing the line and playing the good little wifey who wouldn't dream of serving him frozen salmon for dinner.

Yes he really is that pathetic.

Oh jeez....

I've just searched your previous posts OP..how the hell have you coped so long with him?!

You poor woman. If I knew you IRL I would have twatted him round the head ages ago

urbanfox1337 Sat 21-May-16 20:15:39

"Is it really fair to be this hard on him? If this is all he has known as normal all his life then he doesn't know any better. Hasn't the OP actually enabled him so needs some of the blame?"

Has anyone ever, in the history of mankind, used that excuse of a woman who fails to become an adult when she grows up? Yet there are plenty of spoiled little girls around.

Sorry for my horribly glib comment, hadn't RTFT at that point and didn't realise quite how much his behaviour had escalated.

It might be fair, urbanfox if he was 17/18 and had just left home. He's 32! There is no excuse for a man in his 30s to behave like a spoilt child and a bully.

Christ almighty there are some blinkered handmaidens about.

This is NOT her fault. He is an adult and I don't give a shit if this is what he grew up with. As an adult he has a choice about how he behaves. He works FT and is a high earner so presumably is intelligent and self-aware enough to know how to behave at work. His behaviour is abusive and unacceptable.

OP, you need legal advice urgently. Your first priority tomorrow is to find a shit hot lawyer (SHL) who will get the best possible outcome for you and your DD. He will need to pay maintenance and as you are the primary carer of a young baby, it's entirely possible that you would be able to remain in the house - or that it could be sold and the equity divided to allow you to purchase another property.

I had a boyfriend once that used to say he'd kill himself if I ever left him. Once I did, not only he didn't kill himself but was sleeping with someone else barely a week after we broke up (and he promptly let me know).

OP, if the leaving seems hard, remember that it will be over. Staying won't. This man is an abuser. A real, full-on, fully-fledged abuser. He's not in a bad mood or having a bad day. You wouldn't invite someone this dangerous into your house.

You sound great, OP. If you've lived with this, living without it will be a breeze, in the end.

Your husband is responsible for his own decisions. Get away from him the best way you can, but the most important thing is just to get away.

Oh and ignore the suicide threats - he is trying to manipulate you. He said he can't stand you, so why would he kill himself if you left? It doesn't make sense; it's just a ploy to try and make you feel like shit and put you on the back foot.