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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

389 replies

arghhythu · 21/05/2016 18:02

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 10:09

*ring

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/05/2016 10:10

Really not your problem if he kills himself. No more than if I decided to.

It's all to get you back in your basket being a good girl.

brassywind · 22/05/2016 10:12

Everything you have said about him speaks loudly about him wanting to control you. See a solicitor tomorrow and try and spend today getting essential paperwork organised, birth certificate, marriage certificate etc. Good luck

MadSprocker · 22/05/2016 10:12

Just really feeling for you OP. Have you contacted your family or friends for physical and moral support? If not do this right now. Ask if someone can stay with you if you don't want to leave. He's a bully who is taking advantage of you being on your own. If confronted with someone else in the house I would put money on him not daring to treat you like this.
It would be awful if he did carry out his threat to kill himself, but it would leave you with the house to do with as you please.

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 10:12

OP "My (reduced) wages pay for food, clothes and nappies for DD and things like Sky. I struggle sometimes but I try not to think about it too much."

oh dear. You've been ruled by him for a long time, haven't you?

Dollius01 · 22/05/2016 10:14

So he expects you to be a housekeeper, cleaner, nanny, chef all rolled into one but doesn't even deign to pay you for your work? Please don't say he is one of these entitled pricks who insisted on sex a week after you gave birth as well?

This man is highly abusive and you must get rid for both your and your daughter's sakes. Pronto

AmserGwin · 22/05/2016 10:14

OP can't you go and stay with a friend or relative at least until he calms down? It may also make him realise you are serious about leaving him

kaitlinktm · 22/05/2016 10:16

On the one hand he can't stand you and on the other he will kill himself if you leave - he needs to make his mind up (wanker).

You need to get out - get advice as PP have outlined - and you and your DD will be fine - loads better in fact than if you stayed.

My God - my son is 31 and I would wipe the floor with him if I found he had been acting like this, as well as take my Dil and DGD into my house if they had nowhere else. However, I doubt his parents would feel the same - which is probably why he is as he is.

ricketytickety · 22/05/2016 10:16

He's using the usual threats: I'll get custody, I'll do myself in. He's run you down to try and make you feel useless. All so you'll stay and cook his roast and wash his pants.

They are threats and not actually what will happen. He is playing on your kind emotions and fear to get you to stay.

You can sort out the financial details later. Lots of women get along just fine as single parents. The emotional cost of staying with an unkind person is just too high for a woman and her child.

Most of us know someone who grew up with a controlling father who have recurrent problems through childhood and into adulthood; it's much more destructive than living with a loving single parent in a happy home.

redgoat · 22/05/2016 10:16

He's not there at the moment? Get yourself to the study or wherever he keeps his paperwork and start getting as many photos of financial stuff (incl mortgage statement) as you can.

So you have no access to joint family money? Being financially controlling is a recognised form of abuse - IIRC that came into law in December.

You need to be as prepared as possible.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/05/2016 10:18

So he is financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive.

You need legal advice asap, he won't change and you are not in an equal relationship at all.

As for killing himself that is straight out of the script and designed to keep you in your place.

AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 10:19

I guess what he is saying that if you stay and cook for him and generally be his handmaiden, he will be able to stand you, therefore that statement isn't inconsistent with him saying he'll kill himself if you leave.

But that is because he's a thoroughly immature, selfish twat. He won't kill himself. My sister's total arsehole of an ex used to make that threat regularly, he even tried the carefully calculated minor overdose of pills a couple of times. Guess what, she dumped him a year ago, he didn't bother even to try the overdose tactic because it was so very clear it wouldn't work, and he's still alive today. Which is probably bad news for the next woman he victimises.

pictish · 22/05/2016 10:20

OP try to look at this objectively. Is it normal for a person to react with threats of child custody, hatred and suicide threats over not getting their preferred choice of dinner made for them? Of course it isn't.

These are tactics he is using to bully and control you into becoming the servile, diminished wife he wants you to be. I don't see how you can continue on like this.

NeedACleverNN · 22/05/2016 10:20

So he has paid nothing towards your Dd and thinks he can get custody [hmm
Twat

oreosforlunch2002 · 22/05/2016 10:23

Threats of suicide were followed by physical abuse in my case. Then me and DC were locked out of house. Took me 2 years before I got back into house.

With hindsight I would have kept peace for a week whilst I made plans. See solicitor, get financial records, maybe lock him out, drain bank accounts, put every thing in your name, plan right time to make move etc.

crayfish · 22/05/2016 10:24

He won't kill himself and neither will he 'go for custody'. These kinds of men always threaten all sorts of stupid things when they realise they are losing control of the situation. The reality is that he loves himself too much for suicide and he is too lazy to be a full-time dad, you know both of those things so don't let him shake you with meaningless threats.

dreamingofsun · 22/05/2016 10:24

u both sound tiered. perhaps some discussion and thought before you separate? without mumsnetters feeding your rage.

when i was on maternity leave i did the cooking, looked after the kids and ran the house. my husband worked and brought the money in. this seemed a fair division of labour.

Corabell · 22/05/2016 10:24

So he can't stand you but will kill himself if you leave? And if you leave its over?

He's trying to control you.

Can you text your mum and she could come and get you?

Topseyt · 22/05/2016 10:24

I'd still leave.

Once out, I would cancel the Sky package (they are expensive, and we find freeview is plenty).

Then, from a safe distance you can imagine his raging strop when he finds he can no longer watch it.

Zucker · 22/05/2016 10:25

This man is not on your team now. So any information he's trying to feed you now is for his own interests, not yours and the child's. He will tell you you're worth nothing, that you're entitled to nothing, that any court in the land will give him the child obviously, that you have no stake in his money or house and to top it off if you leave he will kill himself and it's all your fault.

Of course none of that is true BUT you need to get yourself some new team members that will watch your back. Proper legal advice, your family, womens aid.

You will look back at your time with this dope and shake your head.

crayfish · 22/05/2016 10:25

But yes, be careful as things can also get physical when control is being challenged.

treaclesoda · 22/05/2016 10:25

Run. Run for the hills. You deserve better.

crayfish · 22/05/2016 10:27

Dreamingofsun I also do most of the housework while I'm on Mat leave, I think it's reasonable as DH is working. The difference is that I am choosing to do that and my DH wouldn't dream of questioning it if I didn't want to.

Ughnotagain · 22/05/2016 10:27

dreaming, are you taking the piss? Have you read the thread? This man locked himself in his bedroom and told his wife he can't stand her over a bit of frozen salmon. He's emotionally and financially abusive. This isn't a fair division of labour problem, it's an abusive arsehole problem.

Topseyt · 22/05/2016 10:30

Dreaming, it would pay to read the thread.

Same to all those advocating a reasoned discussion with a wanker who is so distraught and raging over frozen salmon that he threatens suicide to keep his little wifey in line. Angry

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