Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

[arghhythu]

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

Ah OP, don't let h8m threaten you into submission.

If you really need confirmation that he's just using what he thinks will work, how about the fact that he can't both go for custody and kill himself? If the stakes were so high that he literally couldn't live without you, wouldn't he have been treating you better? He'd rather go for full custody of your DD, a huge undertaking, than put a bit more effort in at home and lower his expectations?

The fact of the matter is, when you leave your life will get easier because you have far less to do and need meet only your own expectations within reason. His life will get harder because he expects so much but won't put the effort in to get it. You'll also get a bit of a break because he'll be legally obliged to pay you some maintenance to contribute to his DD. He will be financially worse off because he'll have to pay that maintenance plus his food and any of the rest of the bills he currently has you pay.

He can see this. He's threatening things to complicate things for you. He doesn't want you to see it the way it is.

Op, he will try more tactics to get you to toe the line. It's quite amazing how many tactics he has used so far.
Sulking, didn't work.
Passive aggressive fish and chip munching, didn't work.
Silent treatment didn't work.
Storming off upstairs didn't work.
Sleeping in the spare room.
I hate you anyway.
If you go we are over.
I will go for custody.
I will kill myself.

You still have the following to come:
You are mad/crazy/insane.
A gold digger/only after me for my money.
You never loved me anyway.
Crying.
Bad mother.
Kindness and begging for forgiveness.
A gift.
You wouldn't cope without me ( I'd hope he avoids this one as it appears he would starve if another adult wasn't present - be it a wife, mother or chip shop owner).

He is abusive. Take photocopies of everything and seek legal advice. Sadly now you have realised what he is like your attraction and respect for him will diminish. Good luck.

Love, this isn't a genuine threat if suicide, it's simply a way of trying to keep you under his control. It's a bit hard yo feel like The Big Man when there's no one to bully.

He's nasty & vile now - he will only get worse. If you can't leave him for yourself, do it for your DD. You both deserve much better than this.

Make a couple of free half hour solicitors appointments to find out where you stand financially & with getting HIM out of the house. Do NOT hold back on letting them know how unutterably vile he is. Don't be embarrassed.

Be strong. You can do it 💐

Everything that 43% said.

He often tells me I can't cope without him. I'm sure my PND got to crisis stage with his help.

DD is napping like an angel so I've cleaned the house and looked for documents. I have everything important of hers but no mortgage or bank statements of his. I've a rough idea of his earnings but they vary from month to month.

No word from him at work so I assume he'll be home at normal time. My plan is to see a solicitor tomorrow if possible and take it from there. I may have to leave in the short term (go running back to mummy as he puts it) until things are finalised.

I think I've been aware of his abuse for a long time but DD had made me see it. It's my job to protect her from this.

Good spirits OP, well done on actions today

He does no housework and does not help with DD - so how exactly are you going to not cope without him? Sounds like you are coping fine to me.

Get your passports, birth certs and marriage cert together in a safe place. He's a dick so what he says is irrelevant. He wants to mock about 'running home to mummy' - want to bet that he ends up getting his DM in to help him out? He doesn't sound that self-reliant so who is going to cook and clean?

Running home to mummy? From a man who has tantrums because he can't have his favourite food? Oh, the irony!!!

You're doing the right thing, OP. All power to you and your daughter.

Sounds like you've been coping fine to me op. Your life will probably be much much easier once he's out of the picture. Thinking of you

You're doing really, really well.

Stay strong, don't let him talk you around. Within reason keep the peace tonight, stay safe

It seems like a difficult decision, but it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things.
As other pp's have said far from not being able to cope you are tough as teak and you'll only get stronger.
On the other hand he's going to be distraught when he realises he chased aways such a good woman.
Keep your chin up Arghh thing will get difficult for a while, but your daughter and your future happiness and security are worth it

You could try posting in Legal for some advice before you see your solicitor so you have a clearer idea of what to ask.
Well done for making this decision OP.

Aw OP I'm so glad you have the strength to leave him. You are brilliant and are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. He will use every trick in the book to try and manipulate you so stay strong
The dad of my now 11 year old DD1 was like him, but I couldn't see it, I ended up staying with him for 4 years, married him then left him 9months after the wedding when I finally snapped and realised what he was like, and realised I wasn't the bad person that he told I was and I knew me and my daughter deserved better. Not sure how I found the strength to leave, I was only 20 at the time, but it was the best thing I ever did. He still gave me a bit of hassle of the years but I never looked back. And 10 years on he still hasn't changed.

I wish you all the best and know you and your daughter will now have a happy future ahead of you, even though it may be hard to see it at the minute.

Well done OP, it's amazing how seeing a relationship in the context of your responsibility to a child can galvanise things. Good luck and stay strong (and safe, if he senses he is losing control things could escalate, I don't want to scare you but it can happen)

Stay strong OP.

He will soon go running to his mummy when he realises that he has no more little wifey around to cook all his midweek roasts from scratch and do the housework.

Arses like him are generally self-important spoilt brats who think that the world revolves around them.

We had an abuser in the wider family and that is exactly how it was with him. I always felt so much sympathy for his now ex wife. Note the term "ex" there.

He too threatened suicide and wanted custody of their child, then just about three. It didn't happen. He was offered supervised contact, but being a deluded and self-important arse, he didn't want that. So he ended up with no access to their child. That remains the case today, very nearly ten years later.

You are doing very well OP. Keep strong.

Look after yourself arghhythu. Get good legal advice and protect you and your DD.

Good luck, stay strong.

Could the mortgage and wage information be on his computer?

I hope you're having something to eat before he gets home Arghhythu so everything is cleared away before he gets home. Stay strong tonight.

You're doing so well and are very brave. If you head over to the relationships board, you'll find plenty of posters that can give you specific advice about ending a relationship with an abuser.

Saw the OP, didn't RTFT because I knew what was coming. Fuck, sometimes I hate being male.

Check out the other two threads of similar theme which are going strong today as well Y. Unbelievable that some men still behave like this.

I hope you're having something to eat before he gets home

I agree, though I'm thinking of your digestive system. Dealing with abusive arses can put you off your dinner and you need to keep your strength up.

Disgrace you are living proof that there are decent blokes out there and that us women shouldn't settle for an abusive piece of shit. Keep posting here, please.

it's honestly not a male thing it's an abusive thing

I am quite fond of the old disgrace myself but he doesn't get extra brownie points. Condemning this behaviour is a decent human thing to do.