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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy my spoilt niece a birthday gift?

164 replies

BumFluffle · 21/05/2016 15:22

Niece is turning 6 next week, her mother is my sister. N is an only child and is absolutely spoilt rotten by her parents and two sets of grandparents, and I promise I'm not exaggerating. She has a holiday home (the 5 year old), 2 of everything (never understood why) and gets whatever she wants, which is an awful lot. For example, when I got engaged, N wanted my diamond ring. Next day, N has a REAL diamond necklace cos they couldn't find a diamond ring small enough to fit.

I'm not particularly comfortable (financially) and have no DC of my own but have always tried to get her nice gifts. Often my sister will send me a link to the exact gift N wants and then expect smaller gifts to go with it. My problem is though that neither of them appreciate the gifts.

For example, last year I bought N a beautiful set of classic fables. It literally got tossed on the floor with no thank you's from either. Then we were out shopping a few months later when my sister saw the set for sale for a hefty price, only then did she decide to take them down from the top of the wardrobe, covered in dust, and actually read them to N. For Christmas I got her a crystal set that N was apparently desperate for (Hmm), upon opening it she proceeded to stamp on it. My sister regularly shares stories with me of 'awful, cheap gifts' others have dared to give her DD and she clearly expects a lot from ppl.

So, i quite frankly don't want to add this spoilt behaviour. I want to quickly get out of the habit of her expecting things from me and I know if I get her a (in her eyes) lesser gift, it will cause drama and if I get her no gift it will cause drama but I just don't want to. AIBU to just give a card?

Just to add, I've also tried taking her out as a treat (on top of the gifts) and she has acted incredibly bratty on every outing, demanding everything in sight. So I don't want to do that again.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 22/05/2016 10:56

A teacher has spoken to my sis about N doing things like not sharing and damaging things but sis said it was the schools job to teach her.

So your sister thinks it's not the parent's job to instil basic manners at all? Bloody hell.

OP, you've mentioned before that you don't want the 'drama' of challenging your sister in any way. Based on that and her apparent expectation that her DD can do what the hell she likes it sounds as though she's basically teaching your niece to be exactly like her.

What I wonder is, to what extent are the GPs (and perhaps you, if you don't challenge her) enabling this histrionic, demanding behaviour in your sister and now by extension in her daughter? It's not that I'm blaming you for their appalling behaviour but it does sound as though everyone just shrugs their shoulders and goes along with it for fear of the conflict that would happen otherwise.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/05/2016 11:07

I'm just wondering why you aren't just giving her your diamond ring with a nice chain so she can wear it round her neck?

igotdemons · 22/05/2016 11:24

I've been in exactly the same position as you OP, except I was 17, still in full time education and only earning crappy money in a part time supermarket job! To see my hard earned cash just thrown on the floor with no appreciation or regard for the effort I had put into the gift was when I vowed not to bother again and I didn't! My eldest DNiece is now in her 20's and is still incredibly spoilt - it hasn't stopped even though she earns her own money now, she is incredibly entitled. My DParents bought her a £300 laptop for her 21st birthday (which is a lot as they're not rich by any stretch of the imagination) but the other DGC don't and won't get as much as that for their special birthdays. Go with what you feel - I did and I'm afraid I haven't regretted it once!

ApocalypseNowt · 22/05/2016 12:17

The problem here isn't the value of any gifts per se, it's the attitude of your DSis and by extension your Dniece.

You can't spoil a child who is grateful. The issue is that they aren't grateful....for anything...even if it's off 'the list'.

Original poster
BumFluffle · 22/05/2016 12:33

Grin OneMagnum

Yes the issue is the fact that both are ungrateful and the lists seem to get longer and more expensive by the year. I don't earn very much, certainly not enough to be giving away £50 twice a year Shock and thinking no more of it when they're then ungrateful at that too because no thought went into it.

My sis is the kind of person that cuts ppl off if she doesn't like what they have to say which at times seems appealing she cut off her DH's aunt for questioning her lavish ways years ago, has nothing more to do with her. For this reason my parents would never challenge her. Instead they put money aside every month in order to just get what's on the list then don't bother watching her open it because it's just too frustrating to see no appreciation.

A day out is definitely not an option, I think it may kill me off. So we're back to either money or voucher with glitter sent in a card?

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/05/2016 12:49

Have you ever seen her excited or engaged with anything?

I actually feel quite sorry for her. I can remember being in raptures with a bracelet made from thick chocolate wrapped in foil made to look like gold with jewels on it. This was given to me by my mums elderly aunt once - we never got gifts from extended family very often as we were a big family and times were hard. Even after the chocolate was finished I treasured that foil for years.

Imagine never experiencing that?

My boys do get a lot of stuff but they always appreciate what they get and are usually surprised if they get a "big ticket" item or something that someone has thought about such as a book they might like.

redexpat · 22/05/2016 13:07

Would it be fair to say that your sister associates money with love? I know it doesn't excuse her behaviour but it might explain it.

CodyKing · 22/05/2016 13:52

This was what I suggested to the OP

op isn't asking for gift ideas - it's how to deal with a situation

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/05/2016 14:24

A pet? :) Nice goldfish and bowl maybe?

Lweji · 22/05/2016 14:29

Not a goldfish.
At the very least a noisy or messy one. A puppy.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/05/2016 15:13

How about a hamster? They can bite very hard Grin

Routenationale · 22/05/2016 15:20

I think that your parents should have it out with your sister. You are all cowering, and that's not working out, is it, since you and your parents don't like or get on with either your sister or her DD. Do you really think that she would cut all of you off - her whole family?

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 22/05/2016 16:26

When your sister says this is the list for DN's b day just say 'after what happened with her stamping on the crystal set iv decided not to get her something off the list in case she changes he mind and is unappreciative again so I will give her a voucher to choose what she likes in that moment and time.

SoThatHappened · 22/05/2016 17:21

Good jesus. Dont inflict a spoiled nasty brat on an innocent animal. Even a goldfish. Tapping it's bowl etc.

VestalVirgin · 22/05/2016 18:16

Good jesus. Dont inflict a spoiled nasty brat on an innocent animal. Even a goldfish. Tapping it's bowl etc.

This. I'd give her a potted plant as I hope that plants don't feel pain (what would I eat otherwise?) but an animal ... no.

For revenge on the sister, a noisy istrument, like perhaps a drum or trumpet, is much more appropriate.

Do you really think that she would cut all of you off - her whole family?

Perhaps she really is the kind of person who would do that, as she only values people who give her money.

I'd risk it, though. She doesn't seem like a pleasant person, so having no contact with her wouldn't exactly be that bad.

byjimminey · 22/05/2016 18:21

The 5 year old has a holiday home??

limitedperiodonly · 22/05/2016 18:44

Do you really think that she would cut all of you off - her whole family?

I wouldn't care but I have experience of this and can see how a grandparent would fall into line at the threat of not seeing their grandchild and ask others not to rock the boat.

That's why I suggest not playing games or trying to teach lessons. If you want to keep contact with the child, then buy something affordable from the approved list or send money.

Don't send a book token to a child who isn't interested in books. It's not your birthday and you are not six. If you don't care then it's better to send nothing.

I understand the posters who suggesting sending a goldfish were just joking and wouldn't really do that. The sister might flush the poor thing down the loo and that wouldn't be a nice way of making your point.

Original poster
BumFluffle · 22/05/2016 18:47

I don't really remember seeing her particularly engaged or thrilled with anything. My sis will tell me of how she loved certain things (gifts/tv shows) but she doesn't really have a 'thing', like animals or princesses or anything like that. This is probably obviously revealing but last Christmas she has a mountain of gifts which she was super excited about then seconds after she'd opened them all, she stomped off to bed because she didn't like any of the gifts. So she might just like wrapped gifts? Confused

Good questions about my sis equating love with money, it would be odd seeing as tho we had none growing up but she quite grabby. Maybe overcompensating for the fact she felt like she went without as a child by making sure her DD never goes without anything?

She was given a kitten (expensive one, obviously) when she was a little younger and they gave him away after a few months because she was squeezing and hitting him AngrySad everytime my sister gave him attention or even fed him. So I wouldn't even give her a plant to be honest.

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/05/2016 20:04

Is it wrong that I am now envisaging a wrapped box within a box within a box.....with nothing at the centre :o

It is quite sad though really isn't it? and Shock and Sad about the kitten.

KindDogsTail · 22/05/2016 20:08

It sounds as though your niece is going to need you badly in the future OP.

So do not blame her and try to have your own little relationship with her. Try to find gifts however modest that reflect understanding you and she might have together. An animal you have both talked about together, a place you have been, a joke etc.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/05/2016 20:47

I know you said you didn't want to take her out (and I don't blame you) but how about taking her to something that someone else runs and opportunities for further purchase are limited?

I'm thinking something along the lines of cooking or cupcake making or whatever you can find in the area

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Enkopkaffetak · 22/05/2016 20:58

Dont ignore the birthday Just go to Smiggle and buy her one of their bags.. Most 6 year olds will love it.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/05/2016 21:09

Nobody is under any obligation to buy other people's children anything anyway. I know people like to but there is no rule saying you have to, especially when the family has high standards (Hmm) So YANBU to not buy her anything for her birthday.

Hippee · 22/05/2016 21:24

My kids have chosen to adopt various animals with the WWF fund - you get a cuddly toy and updates throughout the year - perhaps an alternative to memyaslfandaye's suggestion (though I might get my own children those things - they have far too much stuff from everyone else in their lives).

Liiinooo · 22/05/2016 23:41

Buy her a trumpet..or a drum kit....or a xylophone... Or a karaoke set. Not good quality ones, but cheap crappy ones that can be relied upon to be slightly out of tune at all times. Say you are nurturing her obvious musical talent.