To not buy my spoilt niece a birthday gift?

[BumFluffle]

Niece is turning 6 next week, her mother is my sister. N is an only child and is absolutely spoilt rotten by her parents and two sets of grandparents, and I promise I'm not exaggerating. She has a holiday home (the 5 year old), 2 of everything (never understood why) and gets whatever she wants, which is an awful lot. For example, when I got engaged, N wanted my diamond ring. Next day, N has a REAL diamond necklace cos they couldn't find a diamond ring small enough to fit.

I'm not particularly comfortable (financially) and have no DC of my own but have always tried to get her nice gifts. Often my sister will send me a link to the exact gift N wants and then expect smaller gifts to go with it. My problem is though that neither of them appreciate the gifts.

For example, last year I bought N a beautiful set of classic fables. It literally got tossed on the floor with no thank you's from either. Then we were out shopping a few months later when my sister saw the set for sale for a hefty price, only then did she decide to take them down from the top of the wardrobe, covered in dust, and actually read them to N. For Christmas I got her a crystal set that N was apparently desperate for (), upon opening it she proceeded to stamp on it. My sister regularly shares stories with me of 'awful, cheap gifts' others have dared to give her DD and she clearly expects a lot from ppl.

So, i quite frankly don't want to add this spoilt behaviour. I want to quickly get out of the habit of her expecting things from me and I know if I get her a (in her eyes) lesser gift, it will cause drama and if I get her no gift it will cause drama but I just don't want to. AIBU to just give a card?

Just to add, I've also tried taking her out as a treat (on top of the gifts) and she has acted incredibly bratty on every outing, demanding everything in sight. So I don't want to do that again.

why don't you try taking her out again, just on her own. do something fun that involves little or no money (and zero shops) and try to wean her off constant consumption. once she learns your rules: this is not a shopping trip, it's having fun - then she won't be such a brat with you. my mum does this with nieces and nephews who are spoilt and they don't misbehave with her. ignore any snide remarks from your sister - she's an idiot - but don't give up on your niece: she needs you.

I think whoever suggested a dress is onto something. In my experience of little girls (I have 2 DDs and 1 niece), they do like wearing pretty dresses. You can get some really nice stuff on Etsy that's handmade, and reasonably priced and hard to trace so they won't know what you've spent. At least there's a reasonably good chance a dress will get used.

Ask her what her favourite charity is and make a £10.00 donation.

She's six.

facebookrecruit I would love to do that!

Some of you sound incredibly generous and throughful with your gifts. I realise for some ppl it would be v odd to not give/receive gifts but we grew up with nothing and we're thankful to get a card from or just see a relative (not in a poor woe me way, we were just never a gifty family) so it still comes as a surprise to me that she expects so much from ppl.

I don't want to cause conflict with my sister and I think a donation to charity on N's behalf would go down like a shit in a drain. I do wonder if a voucher may be contentious in that it would cause her to ask why I hadn't bothered getting a gift. Is it wrong of me to like the idea of a passive aggressive noisy toy? Like drums?

I'm just tired of putting effort and money into things that aren't appreciated. I also don't think my sister would bother if it was my DD and she had been so ungrateful, in fact I think she would take great pleasure in telling me how bratty my child was.

I did NC for this in fear of my sister lurking on here somewhere but actually, I do enjoy Reddit and StudentRoom (but I'm female) so my name may be more of a giveaway than I thought My actual username isnt much better.

"Kids like this surely aren't pleasant to their school friends and peers? "

No. I'm sure children like that wouldn't be pleasant to their school friends and peers. I think they might stick out like a reindeer in your average class of children.

I'm quite old now and have encountered quite a few children, partly through my children (having met their friends and classmates), partly through working in schools. I have met very few "spoilt" children. Actually, i can't think of any off the top of my head - so there can't have been any that were so spoilt they are seared into my brain.

And yet there appear to be loads around when you read mumsnet. And usually other people's. And posters always come on and are very eager to say that they are 'good' parents who do not 'spoil' their children.

Which all makes me wonder if, in fact, the idea of "spoilt" children has a lot to do with with a.) the sticks that exist to beat mothers with; b.) related to (a), women's poor self-esteem and anxiety related to their identity as mothers (and the related social stigmatisation of mothers) and the consequent need to distance themselves from "bad", "other", socially stigmatised mothers and parenting behaviour; c.) an anti-child cultural bias in culture generally.

I'm not saying there are no spoilt children. And I'm not saying that's what's going on here. It's just something that has entered my head from long weeks reading mumsnet.

I am a bit about the willingness of parents on mumsnet to fall over themselves "proving" that they do not condone "spoiling". It's just a bit StepfordMum. It seems a bit like trying to appease a woman-hating culture by 1. accepting, unchallenged, the mother and child-hating cliches of a culture 2. falling over yourself to beg for approval on the grounds that "I'm not like that". Of course you're not. Most mothers and children aren't. It's a bit of a fantasy of a woman and child-hating culture.

OP, I think your issues are with your sister and your grandparents, to be honest.

Your niece is 6.

I've re-read your posts and your issues really do seem to be about your sister rather than your niece.

Nah - there are spoilt kids and shit parents who spoil their kids. Nothing more.

How about this not-at-all-passive-aggressive present?
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Reig-Deluxe-Trumpet-Silver-/151970875142?_trksid=p2141725.m3641.l6368

My nieces were like this. My MIL bought them a really good quality toy pram when they were younger for Christmas and they never bothered even taking it with them. It is still at MILs house (they live a three hour drive away) now and it must be 10 years since MIL bought it. We bought them sit on toy cars and they stayed at mils house too. Eventually my friend came and visited us while we were at mils and I gave her the cars for her son. Since then they get a £20 Amazon voucher and a book.

Mind you since we only see them about once a year I don't really care about offending nor annoying my Bil and sil and we usually just leave the presents at mils for them to pick up at some future date and never get a thank you either.

Children that are lavished with material gifts and are taught nothing of their value will surely grow up with no clue of how to budget or save and will have no respect for their belongings.

They will be the young adult who runs up horrific credit card debts and expects a flash car for their 18th birthday which they write off the following week.

When you ask a young child what presents they received last Christmas, they usually can't remember. Extravagant gifts are not what makes a child happy.

Perhaps when she was growing up your sister appreciated the card or a visit from a beloved relation but also longed to receive presents. There's nothing wrong with that or indulging her child with presents now that she can.

When I was a child I was restrained in my acquisitiveness. Still am. People would often say to my mum: 'Is that all she wants? That's cheap!' But even so, a card and a kiss from a whiskery aunt wouldn't have cut it.

I'd get a gift voucher and not worry about any comments - you can always say you weren't sure if N liked you other gifts.

You could also buy some glitter and glue for the PA value.

I would take her/buy voucher for one of those pottery/ceramic sessions. Job done

Why don't you buy her a voucher for a spa day OP?

I would bring her to the cinema, and get her whatever she wants there. It wont cost the earth and ye can have some time together, and get to watch a film.

I'd sponser an animal for her, she gets a teddy and hopefully will get to feel what giving to/helping others feels like, it might help to make her a nicer person...?

loving the trumpet!

I have no problem with my sister spoiling her DD, it's the expecting others to do the same that bothers me. My problem is with my sister overall, I understand my N is like this for a reason and whilst I don't want my feelings towards my sister to affect how I treat my N, it is difficult when she acts like such a brat.

I would rather avoid taking her out because it does end up costing far too much. She will demand everything in sight and is never happy with what she has, for example she demanded a McDonalds on a recent outing and shortly after getting it she saw another child with an ice cream so demanded that and when she was told she could have one afterwards, she chucked the McDonalds on the floor and was rewarded with an ice cream there and then. Me trying to say no to her in public just causes a scene and I would dread taking her to the cinema for that reason.

I will definitely go with a PA gift this time and I wonder if I could get away with vouchers in future due to the distance between us, easier to send a voucher in a card than send a gift?

~ keeps fingers crossed you get the trumpet ~

Why would you want to take your bratty niece out to the cinema or anywhere else? The cinema can be expensive and who wants to spend the day with a child that isnt even their own who is nagging for treats and gifts all the time? It drives me loopy enough when my own do it. The presents you do buy, even though they are expensive aren't appreciated. The only difference between that and an unappreciated gift voucher is surely that it has cost you less money? Just post her a £10 voucher in a card and leave it at that, or get Amazon to post something cheap but big that she can open and chuck on the floor in 5 minutes.

OP I'd have described one of my nephews as a brat at six. I was not alone. The other one was universally loved. They had the same mother - my sister.

At that age I would have spent all day with one and stuck needles in my eyes to avoid the other.

But I didn't, because it wasn't his fault he was a brat and more importantly, they came as a package. Shame, because I really liked the other one, but grown ups don't blame children for the actions of their parents and they don't treat differently.

If you can't do that, then it's best that you limit your contact with your niece and your sister.

Both my nephews are now adults and are lovely in their different ways, so it is hysterical of people to claim that children who are brats always turn out to be awful adults.

I understand your frustration with your sister but it's pathetic of you to complain about a small child - especially her not appreciating your lovely anthology of fables - she was five. It's even worse to boast about sending a passive aggressive present to her now.

She's six. How old are you?

When you ask a young child what presents they received last Christmas, they usually can't remember. Extravagant gifts are not what makes a child happy.

Ahem

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1572304502/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1463858047&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=spoiling+childhood

For the niece

Little women
What Katy did
Charlie and the chocolate factory (wrapped in violet, or is that too much?)

Joking aside, the niece is being done no favours. Being raised like this will leave her perpetually unsatisfied, and struggling to get along with others.

limited it's pathetic of me to complain about my N being ungrateful yet you can say you would have rather have stuck needles in your eyes to avoid your 6 year old nephew?

I've already said I didn't expect her to sit and read the book just to please me, however there is a difference between showing your grateful to receive a gift but not being interested in it and just plain rudeness throwing it on the floor. Back to my question then, at what age will she take responsibility for her actions? I'm pretty sure if she acted that way in school and didn't have any manners her teachers wouldn't call up my sister to tell her it's all her fault.

She stomped on it. . And what did your dsis do. My goodness. My dd would have had a red arse and not been able to sit down for a month. I don't know about a week. Jesus tonight. How rude.
I'd just get her a few things from the Poundland and she could like it or lump it. The ungrateful little minx.

Oh my god, your sister must be a terrible person!

The six year old is not to blame, with a parent with that attitude, it's no wonder she turned out like this.

I'd get her a potted plant, to teach her responsibility. Like, if she doesn't water it, she won't have anything. This child could do with a dose of reality. (There's some very nice and rare plants. Like glass gem corn ... but I don't think that family has a garden that's more than five-milimetre lawn?)

Or something which a child just has to like, but is very cheap ... no idea what that would be, some kind of mechanical toy?

I would want to upset your sister by causing her child to play with a cheap toy for hours ... I'm eeevil.